#negative behaviour

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Due to platformization, social media users are more connected now than ever before (van der Graaf, 2017). However, being a good digital citizen is not always on the agenda in a digital world where anonymity is easily acquired.

Although the idea of community is fantastic and carries with it a lot of positive connotations, there can also be a very negative aspect. Much like in the real world, minorities are often singled out in communities, especially those with preconceived ideas of what their members should look like. While this form of negative behaviour is often thought to be done by one person towards another, “harassing behaviour is frequently networked in that it is coordinated and organized” (Marwick & Caplan, 2018). Communities such as the gaming community have been notorious in the past for their bullying and pressuring of female gamers.

According to research, a whopping 41% of Americans have been personally been the victim of online harassing attacks and a further 66% have witnessed an attack on another person (Milne, 2020). So, what can be done about this? In Australia we have a numerous number of acts that aim to provide protection from cyber bullying and other forms of negative behaviour in the digital environment. All social media platforms contain a report function that can be utilised to help report and point out negative behaviour. In addition, Celebrities such as Amy Schumer have spotlighted the issue through use of humour (Carpenter, 2017). Schumer utilised her large following to bring awareness to the issue and even provided anecdotal evidence of her own experience with online trolls – picking on her weight and insinuating that she needed to be buttered to fit through a door. Truly disgusting words.

There really is no excuse for comments such as these, however, in a world full of different opinions, trolls will always have their pitchforks ready. We as good digital citizens need to be aware of this and ready to help those who need it. Accumulatively, we as a digital community can work to increase the security and regulations surrounding negative behaviour on the internet.

References

Carpenter, C 2017, "'Hi, 13 Reasons Why!' Amy Schumer talks teenage bullying and 'sweaty' Met Gala gown", Daily Mail, viewed <https://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-4471042/Amy-Schumer-talks-teen-bullying-sweaty-Met-Gala-gown.html>.

Marwick, A & Caplan, R 2018, "Drinking male tears: language, the manosphere, and networked harassment", Feminist Media Studies, vol. 18, no. 4, pp. 543-559.

Milne, E 2020, ‘Lecture 11. Digital Communities and Trolls: understanding social media conflict’, MDA20009 Digital Communities, Learning materials via Canvas, Swinburne University of Technology.

So my sister pointed out this thing that I do... So I have the tendency to brag and one up people. But like most people with problematic behaviours, I don’t even notice I’m doing it. 

I have this stupid weird urge to use any opportunity I get to tell people I’m good at something. Mostly because I spent so much of my life having none of my abilities recognized, and treated like I suck at everything and that I’m stupid because I’m good in the way that ‘counts’. 

I’m sorry for anyone I’ve done this too... I’m especially prone to do it if I feel like the person is better than me. For example I did it to a friend who is way better than me at art, and seems to do better socially. And it was for something as stupid as me talking about how flexible I am. 

COGNITIVE BEHAVIOURAL THERAPY: Identify the root of negative thinking with CBT

We say things in our own heads that we would never say to other people—that we’re worthless, stupid, ugly or fat—but we allow ourselves to hear it and believe it. These negative thoughts can slowly break a person down and cause them to have low self-esteem, depression or anxiety. We see these negative thoughts as the truth when they really aren’t. A way to get past this is through cognitive…

1) Gossiping.

We all do it. Some of us more than others. We talk about the girl next door or the new guy that just started working here. We talk about how the Brown’s just split up and “Did you hear why they separated?” Did you know that when we talk about people it shows an insecurity or jealousy in us? Boom. Where are you lacking in your life that you feel the need to cut down someone else’s life? Have a think about that for a moment.

2)Lying.

There’s no point or purpose to this. Who are you lying to and why? It doesn’t even make any sense to do this and I still don’t understand why so many people still lie. You think the truth hurts, check out a lie. Nothing hurts more than that.

3) Worrying about things that haven’t happened yet.

Let me repeat that if I may. Things that haven’t happened yet. Why would you waste your time and energy worrying about something that hasn’t even happened? I know a lot of us play out a situation in our head and our first instinct is to be play it out with a bad ending. Why do we do that? I’ve done this one myself once or twice. Worry is a natural emotion/feeling. It’s up to you to control it and stop it in its tracks before it spirals out of control. That’s when the stress kicks in and our blood pressure rises. No need for all this now, is there?

4) Holding a grudge.

There’s an old saying “holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die”. Think about that for a sec. The poison you are drinking is the grudge. You are swallowing every drop and you are mad and pissed off to a point of no return. Expecting the other person to die? Honestly they could care less what you think. Hell they probably aren’t even thinking about you anyway. So why on earth are you wasting your time and energy grudging on someone? Go pick some flowers and bring them to a nursing home. Really. Spend time doing happy things. Not brewing and stewing over silly things.

5) Jealousy.

The girls in the magazine are beautiful. Sally has a beautiful body. Jimmy has a nice car. The Whites just bought a brand new house. With every turn, someone somewhere has something better or nicer than we do. Our first reaction is jealousy. There is no need to be jealous really. We all have something special, unique and beautiful inside of us. We also all have something that someone else wishes they had. Just be grateful for who you are and what you have. You are perfect and blessed exactly the way you are. Embrace it.

6) You’ve already lived the past.

Oh how we love to hang on to what happened 5, 10 or even 25 years ago. We still go on and on about it to whoever will listen. Why shouldn’t we? Who we are today is because of what happened to us yesterday. Well, yes, you’re right. Sort of. Who we are today is the result of the way we chose to handle the past. We didn’t all have silver spoons in our mouths. Some of us were dealt really shitty hands. It is what it is. Be done with it. No one wants to hear it, really. Just tell us something happy and joyful. That’s all we want to hear now.

7) I don’t love me.

Watch how you talk to yourself. You are listening. Make sure your self-talk is loving, kind, compassionate, gentle, caring and supportive. Talking bad about yourself to yourself is probably the worst thing you can do. Treat yourself in a totally loving and positive manner. When you do this, you will be able to see how awesome you are and how much more awesome you will become.

8) Woe is me.

Always the victim never the victor. Sad things keep happening to you and you can’t wait to tell the next person you see. The more you talk about it, the more depressed you get and the more terrible things keep happening to you. You think your life is bad? Go hang out in a city where they just had a devastating earthquake or tsunami. Stop whining. We’re getting sick of listening to it and there will come a point where no one will want to be around you. How lonely will that be?

9) Negative Nancy.

We are really truly sad for you and wish, just once, you could see something in a positive light. Not everything is bad. Honest. Try to find the good in things and when you do you will see that more good things will show up in your life. It’s a universal law. It has to be. You are sucking the life out of us and we don’t want to hang around you anymore.

This list covers many things that we all do almost on a daily basis. Next time you catch yourself doing any of these, stop it. Immediately. Turn it around and tell yourself that your soul is beautiful and deserves only loving, kind and caring thoughts. Once you get into this habit, in no time you will see that these behaviours will become a thing of the past and your soul will illuminate beauty.

Hello,

I have a good resource for online CBT which contains worksheets and so on which can be helpful for a range of issues. You can find it here. There are plenty of activities available to help you work through negative behaviour and much more. 

As for books, followers, please recommend some! 

New Post has been published on http://coachingpositiveperformance.com/facing-consequences-self-defeating-behaviour/

Facing the consequences of self-defeating behaviour

When you are trying to remove self-defeating behaviour from your life, the first step is to know that you have a problem. I have previously explored some of the different strategies that you could apply to help you recognise whether or not you had self-defeating behaviour. Once you have recognised your self-defeating behaviour, it is time to assess the extent to which your actions have had an effect on other people besides yourself. Think of it this way, your self-defeating behaviour is a tool that you are using to get something you need, an unfulfilled need. This tool at one point in time might have been successful but at some point in time it became self-defeating. So the second step in recognising this and knowing that every action that you take has consequences.

Many people, when they discover that they have a behavioural problem, shy away from examining the full extent of the damage that this behavioural problem has caused. They are afraid of what they might discover but whether they choose to look, or not, the problem will have done the same damage. Clearly, a problem exists and it needs to be resolved. Avoidance is not an effective problem solving skill, therefore, the best way to tackle the problem is to be honest and take on the challenge of eliminating the behavioural problem.

The benefits of examining the consequences of self-defeating behaviour

When you take the time to examine the consequences of your self-defeating behaviour, you will experience 2 key benefits:

1.   Better relationships

If your self-defeating behaviour is causing problems within your relationships, you need to take action to rectify the situation; before the problems become irresolvable. In order to do so, you need to know the nature and, the full extent of the problem. The problems can often be resolved quite easily and, when you learn of these problems, you will naturally be more motivated to take the corrective action.

2.   Greater motivation for change

Since anti-smoking campaigners have gone to more extremes to inform smokers of the consequences of their choice, we have seen a steady decline in the number of smokers in the western world. More graphic detail of the consequences of drink driving has seen a sharp drop in the number of people who think that it is acceptable to drink and drive.

We can see that, when people are fully informed of the consequences of their actions, they are more likely to opt for change. The same is true with your self-defeating behaviour. Discovering the full extent of your problem may at first cause you to experience upset and disappointment but, once you have gotten over the initial shock, you are far more motivated to take decisive action to rid yourself of this problem.

Taking responsibility

I have often said that taking responsibility is one of the most important things that you can do in life, however, taking responsibility is one of the hardest things anyone can do. We live in a world where few people want to take responsibility for the consequences of their actions. It seems that we are almost hardwired to put blame on other people.

Society does not help this situation. Owning up to our mistakes and wrongdoings seems to have become more taboo. On a daily basis, in the media, we see people being ridiculed for even the smallest error of judgment. In most cases, the person who made the error will have had the very best of intentions. When you see the level of ridicule and abuse that they experience; why on Earth would you ever want to own up to a mistake? Since the advent of social media, you no longer have to be famous to receive large quantities of abuse for your mistakes. Despite the potential for ridicule, understanding and, acknowledging the consequences of our actions helps us overcome our self-defeating behaviour. It is a fundamental step on the path to happiness.

A good exercise to help internalise this is a “what if” scenario. Ask yourself the following questions:

A.   What if that was me, how would I feel?

Internalising other people’s feelings is an excellent way to grow emotionally. You put yourself in the other persons and shoes and it helps you to understand the consequences of your actions and how they affect your friends and your loved ones.

Imagine that your self-defeating behaviour is passive aggressive behaviour. You fail to deal with your issues and rather than standing up for yourself with the people whom you have a problem with; you let the frustration build until you finally snap at a friend who is completely innocent in the whole thing. How do you think that friend would feel; knowing that you are taking your frustration out on them when they have done nothing wrong. Put yourself in your friend’s shoes and attempt to experience their feelings.

B.   Knowing this, how would you feel?

Now that you have an idea of how your friend might feel as a result of your self-defeating behaviour; how would feel? You know that you are causing them problems due to your behaviour. Most likely, you do not wish to cause any pain or upset to your friends but now you know that you are doing so; intentional or not.

Most people, when they see that they are causing their friends or loved ones to be upset, are motivated to change their behaviour. They are hurt by the fact that they are causing hurt for others. They see that the status quo is no longer acceptable. Anytime that you feel you may be engaging in some self-defeating behaviour, you should attempt to see things from the perspective of those on the receiving end of your behaviour. It is truly an enlightening experience.

When you are engaging in self-defeating behaviour, you need to recognise the situations which are triggering the behaviour and, the consequences of your actions. When you are considering your actions, you must not just focus on the consequences that you experience yourself. There will be consequences for your friends, loved ones, colleagues etc. Do not be afraid to shine some light on these dark areas of your life. Knowing the problems that your behaviour is causing is empowering and helps you to summon the courage and strength to make the necessary changes.

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New Post has been published on http://coachingpositiveperformance.com/eliminating-self-defeating-behaviour/

Eliminating self defeating behaviour

People with self-defeating behaviours often have a feeling of loss of control. They feel that the outcomes that they are achieving in life lie outside of their control; despite the fact that we have a great deal of control and influence over almost every aspect of our lives. This loss of control is something that we need to stop. There are many different reasons why an individual might employ self defeating behaviours. These range from a poor self image to an inability to make strong social connections.

Whatever the origins are, self defeating behaviour is a cause for significant concern. By its very nature your problem will increase because of the negative feedback loop that self defeating behaviour creates. For example, if you believe that you have poor social skills, then you are less likely to make the effort to form new relationships and, strengthen existing ones. As a result of your lack of action, you will experience weak social connections which will only serve to reinforce your belief that you have poor social skills. It’s a self fulfilling prophecy.

Overcoming self defeating behaviours

You need to identify within yourself what your self-defeating behaviour is. Sometimes it can be obvious and deep down; you will know that you have this issue. In other cases, there may have been many people who have called you out on that particular issue. However, there will be some cases where it is insidious and takes a long introspection for you to understand what the problem is. The good news is that when you commit yourself to finding and, eliminating, these self defeating behaviours, you shine a light on the darker areas of your life which serves to illuminate the problem.

So, you might ask yourself what are examples of self-defeating behaviours. Well, they are varied and can range greatly. Common examples are the generalisation of the negative; where negative past experiences are generalised to the point that you feel that any new experience will also be negative. In my opinion, the most common is the abdication of responsibility.

For example, when you were young your parents will have decided everything for you. Anything that they did not decide was most likely decided by another authority figure e.g. teacher, politician. You had no freedom of choice whatsoever. As you got older you had the opportunity to take more decisions for yourself. However, if you abdicate responsibility for your decisions, it is easier for you to put the blame on others e.g. your parents. You might generalise that every situation you encountered was not your choice; it was a result of the way you were raised and the life that others created for you. That means that you always blame someone else for your own shortcomings. This is an example of a self-defeating behaviour because even if others tell you what to do, you get to decide whether you will obey their orders or not. If you deny that you have responsibility for your life, you sacrifice the opportunity to create the life that you really want; something which certainly lies within your control.

Identifying the self-defeating behaviour

Here are some steps you can take to help identify the self defeating behaviour:

1.   Write down any self defeating behaviour which you think you may struggle with. If you think you don’t have any then note that.

2.   Write down any negative behaviours you perceive; whether you feel that you have control over them or not

3.   Write down any self defeating or negative behaviour which others have raised. You might also ask some trusted friends for their thoughts.

4.   Take a long look at the list, and

5.   Note if there is anything in that list that looks like a self perpetuating problem, like:

low self-esteem,

inability to connect with people,

consistently being in toxic relationships,

procrastination

passive aggressive behaviour

any negative belief you hold about yourself

any situation where you have been described as your own worst enemy

failure at work despite the cards being stacked in your favour

These are just some examples of self defeating behaviour which you might experience.

Recognising self defeating behaviour is empowering

You also have to admit to yourself that you could have a problem because self defeating behaviour is a problem and one that gets progressively worse. In order to break the cycle of escalation you need to recognise it as a problem. These are easier said than done but remember that the first step is always problem identification i.e. awareness.

This is the foundation of the discovery process. Without knowing what the problem is you cannot move forward. Just like any scientific approach to a problem you need to start by defining the problem and proceeding from there. In self defeating behaviour this is doubly important because once you recognise that you have an issue with yourself; you realise something far more important – as your thoughts and behaviour are the source of the problem; you have the ability to rectify the problem. This is truly empowering and realising it means that you are already half way in your change process.

The greatest tool for identifying self defeating behaviour

The greatest tool to help you identify if you have self defeating behaviour and more details about it, is keeping a journal. Keeping a journal allows you to see the relationships between events. For example, you may have noticed that you start pushing away people emotionally when they start getting close. This may not be obvious to you but on a journal, you can how these events occur over time and, easily identify correlations between events.

The consequences of self defeating behaviour

When you know what the problem is, you have to understand what the consequences of the behaviour are. All negative behaviour has negative consequences for your life. When you take the time to recognise the consequences, you form a greater understanding of the problem and, you build up the motivation to resolve the situation. The biggest problem people have is that they don’t realise what the consequences of their actions are.

When the self-defeating behaviour happens can you recognise it and do you realise what the consequences are? You need to recognise what the negative behaviour is costing you. In your mind you might feel people just don’t like you or you blame other people for your problems. You need to recognise that what you are doing is a self-defeating behaviour. Continuing with the example above you need to recognise you are blaming other people. If you are doing this, then you need to recognise it is that behaviour that is causing people to dislike you or avoid you.

Consider a time when you didn’t have this self-defeating behaviour, can you remember? Do you remember how you felt and how it was different from today? Most importantly do you realise what happens when you act that way? Do you know how people around you feel, especially those that are close to you and love you? These are the questions that you need to internalise and think about.

Summing it up

When things don’t go the way we plan in life, we have a tendency to look outside of ourselves to find the problem. Many times, our lack of success will have been influenced by circumstances beyond our control. However, there is always something that you can do to try and improve your outcomes. Even where outside events have had an influence, you are likely to find that some of your behaviour was self defeating. Self defeating behaviour is like the ultimate bad habit; it keeps on costing you the opportunity to progress with your life. When you take the time to identify your self defeating behaviours and, eliminate them, you clear away many of the biggest obstacles that stand between you and success; dramatically increasing your chances of living the life you desire.

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