TODAY--- I just stayed home and tried to reflect about things that is happening in my life at present. I still consider myself blessed because though I'm striving and struggling, there are still options to choose from and options that could be the best for me. I've mentioned that right now I'm reviewing for a Licensure Examination but my mom keeps on pushing me to think and decide whether to continue or not. I'm not saying she tells me to do that but at least that is what I feel she is implying. There are a lot of things that's been going on today. As usual, I woke up late from sleeping late and with I can still remember partially the contents of my dream. Silly me! Maybe I am really hoping that my so called friends would understand what I'm going through but then one person can't. I dreamt of her explaining why she was not able to reply to any of my sms, she said she has no load. I believe its more than that.
As I am reflecting about the past hurts and experiences, I realized I lacked forgiveness. Forgiveness from the people I've hurt, from the people who wronged me, and most of all forgiveness ode to myself. I focused on to how hurt I was by the people I loved most and the friendship that it turned out as cold and strangers with each other. I am not great like them, I'm just Lady, imperfect and capable of making mistakes and one is being silent for almost 4months. I really thought they would choose to understand but I guess I'm wrong again. I know they are also hurting so to not bother and add to their load, I just keep everything to myself. Crying silently almost every night was my only resort to just tell Him what I feel. In darkness of night of our cold room, I just stare blankly at space with eyes wet from tears until I could sleep, this is my routine everyday in that long 4 months. Few people bothered to ask if I'm still ok or breathing but the persons you expect who would at least be there doesn't even care anymore. Maybe I'm still to blame, I pushed them away from me. Life!
I have so many hurts that I kept in my heart. Sometimes I wonder when it will explode or will it stay dormant for the rest of my life. I was hurt by my friends (at least that is how they are to me) and the person I respect and love most would sometimes choose to spend time with others than us like this time of year. I thought during Lenten season we'll spend time because I think from now on, we'll seldom see each other. I don't know what to do besides crying. I don't have any outlet, no one to talk to, to really force me to say what is on my mind. I don't know how long I can endure living hurt and wounded like this by the people I call family and friends.
You know me more than I know myself. Keep me forever at Your side, embrace me in times like these and never let me go. I am weak and though I look like I am strong but You know that this is all a facade, to protect the heart of a child in me. Please be my light, my guide, my protector, and above all my father. Thank you for not giving up on me even if sometimes I gave up on myself and to everything. Thank You for putting smiles on my face when I seem like frowning. I love You and always will. Amen.
