Bad Decisions
Who believes that their gut feeling is their God conscious? I fully believe that mine is. I use to think that I could feel God talking to me or leading me the direction that he wanted me to go in. Lately tho I dont feel him as much. I feel like I might have lost my connection with him. I have been so lost lately. And I have been making horrible decisions. Even when I know that I know better. Its like impulse to me. Its not Gods fault, it is my own. I dont stop and try and listen. Because Im startiing to realize how i dont just stop, and listen. Its not that he isnt talkiing to me, its that I havent been listening. And then when I do stop and ask him for direction, its rare that he puts a big neon sign in my face that says do this. I can see my life spiraling out of control. Like I just kinda throw my hands up and say it iis whaat it is, and now its like I have just given up and basically said "you win life". My husband left me for my best friend who is also alot younger then me and has her life a little bit more together then I do, of course she also has people that help her, and then I have also not seen my daughter for 2 years now. Its my fault too. I sit here and ache for her. I can still hear her laugh and see her beautiful face in my memories. But I can not get to her. I miss her so much and the only realthing that is stopping me from getting her is me. I self sabotage everything for myself. Why???? So then of course I turn to God and say those SOS prayers because that seems to be the only time I try to reach out to him, when I know that he is the answer. Im not a bad person dont get me wrong. I do make my mistakes but I dont try to hurt anybody and I pretty much now just stick to myself. No reason to fuck up other people's lives on top of my own. So now what? Where do I go from here. I know what the problem is. Its me. No Im not sucidel and yes I want to fix my life. Yes I want to get my little girl back and as bad as I hate to admit it I would like to not hate my husband anymore. I just want to heal and move on with my life. do miss him terribly. And I hate myself for it. Because I know that he doesnt give a fuck about me and I hardly think thatt he ever did. I dont know why he was put into my life, I guess to teach me a lesson. But with that lesson came great pain that I feel has made me lose my spark and not I am lost. And finding myself or God seems to be my biggest tragidy. Because If I lose me and I lose God, Then Im just like a vessel roaming around this planet. Just waiting for it to be over. I dont want to go out like that. I dont want that to be the last chapters of my life and I sure as hell dont want my daughteer to have to hear about her mother giving up. The image she has of me already probably isn't the greatest and I know that I have alot of making up to do iif I even get that chance. So my question is where do I go from here. How do I get my spark back?
