#nateday

3rd June 2020

Hello Chaps and Chapettes.

I am what is known affectionately and sometimes ridiculed, as a furry. To those who don’t know what that is, it means that I am part of a community that roleplays online, and often offline, as an animal. This can come in many forms, from your average animals that walk on two legs, to more commonly known furries who walk around on two legs with forms not too dissimilar from what you see in Disney films like Robin Hood and more recently, Zootopia. 

(Photo: Walt Disney Studios)

Some people, including a few I know and call friends, dress up as their fursona - that means, the persona they take on when they are being a furry. Most that I know personally, like myself, keep it to a past-time that they spend online. They’ll chat normally about a vast range of things, from what is going on in the real world, films, music, life, ETC. However, they’ll do this behind a pseudonym, the name or character they go by in the community, and everyone (who has the desire to roleplay with them) will refer to them by that character’s name and species. 

Here’s my example - I’ve been known in certain communities as Dusk, a black panther. I have had numerous backstories for my character, but lately, I stick with a basic ‘he’s a panther and is from England,’ and riff on whatever else anyone wants to know about him. This is probably because I have grown as close to Dusk as I have to my own life, to the point where there’s no difference between him and me, apart from he has a pretty sweet tail and is a hell of a lot cuter. 

This is one example I can give of how weird a person I really am. Some, even the friend or relatives of mine that others would consider weird enough, don’t know this story about me unless they’re reading it now. If they are - hello! Love you lots, thanks for reading this confession, please don’t send me to the funny farm. I’d prefer a funny zoo…

So, why? Why do I have this segment of my life that is important to me? Why, now I’m an adult, have I not stopped enjoying logging onto a chatroom and having people call me Dusk, or lately Scaramouche? And why have I invented these personas for myself? 

I’ll start with those first two questions and answer them together, if I may. This isn’t something that started overnight. When I first began to join online communities at around fifteen or sixteen, it was to help aid two things. The first was my writing. I’d heard that people would create text-based roleplays which was essentially like writing an ongoing story where you tell the story from a personal character. I thought this would help improve my book writing abilities immensely. 

(Photo: Underworld (2003) Lakeshore Entertainment )

The second reason was that a girl I really, really, really fancied at the time told me about it, and invited me to do it with her (the roleplaying online, nothing else… ). So I went along to do that thing boys do - try and impress the person they fancy. The roleplay was about vampires and lycans (werewolves) because that was a big interest for this girl and myself (Anne Rice & ‘Underworld’ was preferred rather than Stephenie Meyer - Sorry Edward/ Jacob fans). I created a character called Dusk’eth, who was a werewolf, a total ‘Mary-Sue’ (a generic character who is perfect at everything) who tried to woo this girl on my behalf while she played as a vampire.

This worked about as well as you can expect, by which I mean, it didn’t. After a few roleplays, ‘Dusk’eth’ seemed to wander off to find other things on the internet, sort of like Wreck-It Ralph, and discovered a place that when by the name of ‘Gaia Online’ which was a community with cutesy little avatars and a lot more people to chat to. 

At the same time that I became more involved in this community, I went on a trip to Tenerife, where I visited the Loro Parque zoo. There, I became fascinated by a Black Panther who seemed to watch me and only me the entire time that I walked by its pen. It was more than likely wishing I was in its pen so that it could have me for lunch and I wish this story was about a free animal, not one in a cage, but nonetheless it has an impact on me. This was where Dusk’eth started to change from a werewolf to a guy who could become a cat. 

It was after this that I met other people who discussed with me what furries were and introduced me to the places on the internet where they would meet. When friends and this girl I had liked at school moved on, these people stayed and remembered my name, what was going on in my life, and held an interest that didn’t invade or ruin how I wanted to live. Eventually, Dusk settled on being a panther full time and still has many of the friends he met in those early days as close to him as they are to me, no matter where in the world they are. 

(Artwork ‘Dusk’ by Nateday, https://www.furaffinity.net/user/nateday )

And that goes some way to answering those first two questions - I still do it, because the people I befriended behind the animals they pretend to be remain good friends. They’ve been there for me in the highs, they’ve helped me through the lows, they’ve cried and cheered with me and I with them. It seems strange to those outside the furry universe, but that’s okay because to us, it makes sense. 

So, that last question, why do I still identify as Dusk, and why did I create Scaramouche too? Well, Dusk went through that part of my life with me and as I say, I put so much of me in him that he really hasn’t felt like a non-existent creature. You may have heard other writers say that about their characters. 

Scaramouche, on the other hand, is me. However, that is just a name. Not a character, just a persona to give me an extra boost of confidence when I do anything, like this right now. I can best describe it as a uniform, I know I can be a certain way when I’m Scaramouche that I cannot be when I’m Matt. I guess that’s why Elton John and Lady Gaga must feel when they step into their names too. 

There are so many more things that make me completely bizarre, like the fact I’m a Brony (a guy who likes My Little Pony) or that I believe I see dead people… sort of. But for now, I will close by explaining why it is okay, for me at least. 

Everybody has a quirk. You may not think it, but you do. It might be something disgusting, something embarrassing, something sexual, something strange, or something most in your country think is acceptable but other people from other countries would consider it strange. Everyone is a little odd and it is fine so long as it isn’t hurting anybody. You can think I’m a weirdo and that’s not a problem either. 

I know I am and I’m happy with it.

All good things, 

Love, Scaramouche. 

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