behind the scenes: ellie scott visits jude at the hospital
It had been just over twenty-four hours since Jude Baker collapsed on the basketball court. She hadnāt left Nateās side since that moment. She couldnāt bring herself to be alone. She was standing on the edge of a precipice and she knew she would fall over if left alone. Nate hadnāt allowed her to drown this sorrow in liquor. Instead, he held her all night and talked to her. They talked about so many things. They talked about Jude and about the past with them. They talked about her mother and her father. They talked about his life in England and the years heād missed in her life. They didnāt leave his bed, but she didnāt find herself wishing to watch the red numbers of a clock.
He made her eat twice in the time that passed. He made her call her father and say that she was staying another night. She couldnāt be alone. She needed Nate. In the time sheād spent with him, she learned that she did love him. She probably always had loved him. Nate Lancaster was someone that could hold her together when she fell apart. He was someone who wouldnāt let her fall to pieces alone, someone who she could depend on when everything else was falling to shit. She was getting so close to making a decision, to being with Nate and only Nate. She just had to think of the words, to be sure that this was right. She knew it was real. She knew it was real, but she didnāt want to rush. Sheād rushed things with Jude and that had turned out so badly.
They were still in his bed when her phone vibrated. She jumped for it instantly, the same way she had every time it vibrated. Each time, she prayed to a God she didnāt believe in that there would be news on Jude. Her father had texted her to let her know that there had been no change. Davis had texted her the same news. No one else had bothered. Why would they?
Heād want to see you. You know that, right?
The text was from Davis. Davis always pretended that he could care less about anything that happened in Tree Hill. He put up a faƧade but Ellie knew the truth. He cared a lot more than he let on. He worried that he would fail and never make it out of Tree Hill. He didnāt know what he wanted to do with his life. Davis Baker cared more than probably anyone else in that town. He cared enough to text her those words.
Her fingers flew over the keys of her phone, texting her response.
A minute later, her phone vibrated again.
He would. Say youāll come.
Ā She wondered if Davis was right on this one thing. She wondered if Jude would really want her to be at his bedside. He had been so cold in their last interactions. The morning that they woke up at the beach, just before homecoming, heād barely said three words to her. Had it really been less than forty-eight hours since Homecoming? How could everything change so quickly? She looked down at the text on her phone. Davis was waiting for an answer from her.
Let me know when I can. I donāt want to run into Ronnie, Grace, or Carson.
She didnāt wait for his response. She snuggled closer into the bed with Nate, burying her head in his chest like she had when he came up to her at the basketball game. He was a rock. He was someone that she could depend upon in all times of need. She stayed there for almost an hour when her phone vibrated again. Ronnie had gone to the cafeteria and then home to shower. The parents were all gone for a while, showering and sleeping in places that were a little more comfortable than the hospital. Grace and Carson had both disappeared.
She looked at her phone and then at Nate. āCan you drive me to the hospital?ā
It was a great credit to Nate that he didnāt question it. He didnāt question it when she asked him to wait outside, to not listen to what she had to say to Jude. She had to say good-bye to him. It was time to finally close that chapter in her life. It was the only way that she could move forward, that she could really figure things out with Nate. She had to say good-bye to Jude.
She walked down the hospital corridors and paused outside of the room where Davis was waiting. She smiled at him and was so grateful when he dropped his brotherās hand and started to walk out of the room. She stopped him for a moment, giving him a gentle hug. āThank you, Davey,ā she whispered.
The moment that Davis was out of earshot, Ellie went and took his seat by Judeās bed. She lifted his hand in hers and squeezed it gently. She didnāt know what to say now that she was there. He wasnāt moving. He was hooked up to machines and the rising and falling of his chest was barely visible through his hospital gown and the blanket over him.
She drew in a deep breath.
āI loved you so much Jude. When I saw you collapse on that court, my heart stopped. For a second, my heart simply forgot to beat. All I could think of was the month that we were together. We were good but we were also so bad for each other. We were toxic. We were wrong for each other. I mean, youāre good. Youāre good to the core and Iām not. My dad said it best. Iām a spoiled brat.ā
She could feel the tears starting to burn in her mind. For once, she didnāt try to stop them. Jude wasnāt awake to tell her not to cry.
āYou said it best. I suck. I know you donāt remember our conversation when I was in LA. I was so into you. I fought for you and I won and I had a good month. We had a good month. We also had a crap month. How much drama was there, Goopy? It was like I could never be good enough for you. I get it. Youāre good and youāre pure and even when youāre at your most broken, youāre still one of the best guys in the world.ā
The tears began to fall faster down her cheek. She looked at Jude again.
āI guess Iām saying good-bye to you. To us. But just because Iām saying good-bye doesnāt mean you get to leave. You donāt get to leave. Davis needs you so badly. He wonāt say it to you, but he needs you. Heās lost, Jude. Weāre all lost. Maybe you were just as lost as all of us too. Still, you donāt get to stay lost. You have to find your way back. You have to find your way back for Grace and Carson and Lydia and Davis. Theyāre the people that you love unconditionally, in the way that you couldnāt love me.ā
She leaned over and kissed his forehead gently, squeezing his hand.
āIāll never forget you, Jude John Baker. I fell in love with you so quickly because you were everything that I wanted to be. Youāre light in the same way that Iām dark. I wonāt say that Iāll never move past you, because I will. I think I already am moving past you which hurts worse. We were wrong for each other and we both know it. Maybe one day weāll be able to be friends, when the hurt is less. To get there though, you have to wake up.ā
āYou have to wake up Jude. You donāt have to do it for me, but you have to do it for them. They love you more than I ever could.ā
She thought for a moment. There was only one thing that she wanted to do left. One last thing she had to say and do before she could leave. Once he said that he would love to hear her sing. They hadnāt gotten to that point. She didnāt have her guitar with her. She didnāt have anything except for her mp3 player, loyally living it her pocket. She pulled it out and found the song she wanted to sing. She skipped past the first verse. The first verse wasnāt right for this, for them. The first verse would be right five years ago when they were nothing but hazy memories.
āThis scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin, tried to reach deep but you couldn't get in. Now you're outside me, you see all the beauty. Repent all your sin.ā
Ā When she was three years old, the Baker family came to visit them in Los Angeles. She played with Davis and Jude on the beach, collecting sea shells. Ellie could remember this day so clearly because sheād heard the story so many times in her motherās voice. Her mother had told her this tale more times than she could ever count. Ellie was chasing after Jude and Davis, always afraid of being left behind. Then she stepped on a piece of discarded glass, cutting open her bare foot. She let out a scream and Jude ran back to her. A few minutes later, their parents came for them. They heard the crying. Ellie had to get stitches that day and she still had the scar on her foot.
That scar was visible. It wasnāt like the scars she was nursing from her mother, from the break-up with Jude and the numerous near break-ups in the past month.
āIt's nothing but time and a face that you lose. I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose. I'll write you a postcard. I'll send you the news from a house down the road from real love.ā
Ā She remembered the day in his kitchen so clearly. September 27, the day she got home from Los Angeles. It was the start of their destructive relationship. She had flown across the country to try to escape the pain that heād caused her. She couldnāt though. She couldnāt escape it even there. He had called her the night before and they made strides to fix the mess they were in. They made strides and she chose to believe that they could make it. She chose to believe in the potential they had instead of the overwhelming evidence against them.
Maybe she knew even then that they could never work out. She chose him once and now she was choosing someone else. She was choosing to let Jude go, because it was better for both of them. She drew in another deep breath, ready to continue the song.
āLive through this, and you won't look back... Live through this, and you won't look back... Live through this, and you won't look backā¦ā
Ā It was a plea. It was a plea to him to just live through this. They were over, but she couldnāt lose him entirely. She couldnāt say goodbye to him forever. His grave could not be another that she stepped around at work.
She could not lose another person that sheād loved in her life. It didnāt matter that theyād broken up. It didnāt matter that she was here to say good-bye so that she could move forward. None of that mattered. She couldnāt lose Jude Baker. While heād made her cry a million times, he had been the first person to make her smile after her motherās death. Heād been the first person to elicit a real smile from her lips, a real laugh. The day in the gym was much like this night.
She just needed him to wake up too. She needed him to open those beautiful eyes and go back to the people that needed him. There were too many people that needed him.
āThere's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave. You were what I wanted. I gave what I gave. I'm not sorry I met you. I'm not sorry it's over. I'm not sorry there's nothing to save. I'm not sorry there's nothing to save...ā
Ā The music faded as did her voice. She looked at him again and wiped the tears from her cheeks.
āWake up, Goopy. You arenāt done here yet. We may be done here, but you arenāt. You have to publish your novels and change the world. You have so many people left to touch in this world. Donāt leave before you get the chance to change all of those lives the way you did mine.ā
She dropped his hand and walked away from his room. She motioned to Davis that she was done and went back out to where Nate sat waiting.
She didnāt know what the future would bring her, but sheād said good-bye to her past with Jude. It was time to stop living in a drunken stupor. It was time to find herself. It was time to move forward.
It was time for Ellie Scott to wake up again.
