#nanne

First off, link to chapter here! This one is going to be a DOOZY, so please feel free to skip to the relevant sections that interest you.

Chessa and the Gur Children

Normally in game, you trigger the cutscene with Sebastian first, then you can interact with the Gur kids. I wanted to switch this around for two reasons. First, Sebastian's section hits harder when Astarion starts to catch on to the true details of the ritual, and second, it's a little weird for him to come extremely close to an emotional breakdown, then be flippant and sassy around a bunch of kids.

Sebastian

Originally, the flashbacks to Astarion's night with Sebastian weren't a thing, but I'm glad they are, because it's exactly what Cazador would This whole section is heavily inspired by this gorgeous animatic set to El Tango de Roxanne. It's lived in my head rent free ever since I saw it, and it honestly illustrates just how terrible Astarion's life as Cazador's spawn was.

Sebastian has always been a foil to Nanne, in the sense that what he endured was exactly what Astarion spared Nanne from. I wanted their meeting to be memorable - while Astarion says he remembers every person in the cell he finds Sebastian in, he also mentions multiple times in the game and demonstrates that he has a very hazy memory under Cazador's abuse and torture. While Sebastian was indeed one of his first victims, and he was sweet, shy, and handsome, I wondered why Astarion would bring up dining with Cazador in game as an example of how horrible a master he is, instead of mentioning being tortured in the Kennels for a tenday straight. So, this scene materialized.

Astarion's reasoning for picking flaying over eating a rat is both from spite and guilt over luring Sebastian back.

The Cage

Like I mentioned in the end notes for the chapter itself, this whole scene inspired the idea of Nanne being a potential victim for Cazador that Astarion spared. Again, it's not a novel idea, but I loved it, so I went with it in my own way.

If Nanne hadn't already known that Astarion was the pale elf who'd dumped them in Fraygo's ten years ago, they would have figured it out right now - but now they understand just what Astarion spared them from. Seeing Sebastian both scares them and fills them with grief for Astarion for that reason.

And then Astarion says that he's going through with the ritual anyway and Nanne loses it.

Nanne at this point hasn't really openly protested Astarion ascending because, well, in earlier acts, Astarion always would talk a big game about how bad and evil he is, but never follow through. He may bitch about Nanne doing kind things, like saving gnomes, etc. but that's pretty much it. Even his plan of taking over the Cult of the Absolute is literally "Find device, kill people, profit!" So, they both assumed that their own transformation into being half illithid would dissuade Astarion from making a grab for more power, and that naturally over time he'd chill out and not be so hellbent to murder people. Astarion is also stressed the entire time they're in Baldur's Gate. They don't want to risk straining their relationship over a fight like this.

However, this is the moment where they realize that Astarion will never give up the ritual on his own. He's literally seen every person he's seduced for Cazador turned into spawn, including children, knows he'll have to sacrifice them all, and that's not enough to stop him. They're horrified, scared, and sad for Astarion because he's desperate. They realize that they can't just stand idly by and wait for Astarion to make the right decision.

There's also anger at themself. Why did Astarion pick them? Why were they the lucky one, when previously they've been so unlucky? Why didn't they realize sooner that they really, genuinely needed to talk to Astarion about this before the palace?

In the end, they hope that when the chips fall, Astarion will have that same burst of conscience that he had when he spared them ten years ago - but now they know they can't count on that, and that unsettles them, deeply.

Cazador

We all joke about how Cazador's kind of sad and pathetic when we meet him in game, but I honestly think that makes him even more terrifying as a villain. This is a small man with a reedy voice, and Astarion is still scared shitless of him, even with a small army at his heels. He's put Astarion through hell, and even with three months of adventuring and freedom, Astarion fears him more than anything.

However, the bastard really loves monologuing, and Nanne ain't about that, so they try to intervene - and fail. Chatterteeth casts Eyebite: Fear on them, so they're overwhelmed with terror and can't move while Astarion is trapped in the ritual.

The way that Cazador's boss fight is set up is perfect for a video game, but has a lot of, erm, oversights. However, I got to give the guy credit: he knows how to put on one hell of a ritual, and that staircase is a good chokepoint. As long as he can hold it, then he can pull off the ritual without a hitch.

In case you actually wanna read my insane, crazy ramblings about this fic, here's all the Author's Notes in one place!

So you know how last time I said Astarion would really go through it? Lmao

One of the most fascinating parts of Astarion's character is that he has a... shocking lack of empathy sometimes. When I replayed the conversation you get in the Act 3 interlude before reaching the city, I was kinda stunned when Nanne went "You sound like you're jealous of Cazador" and he goes "Oh yes, absolutely! The only problem with what he did was that he did it to me!" Which is like... it would be hilarious if not for the fact that this is what his abuse has taught him. I won't really go into it now, because that'll be for the next chapter, but it was definitely a moment I wanted to capture, and I'm glad I replayed that convo instead of just winging it.

Astarion's nightmare in this chapter is the very first I ever wrote for him. Don't worry, if you're sick of his nightmares, he only gets one more, so you're almost done! But this one I really wanted to emphasize just how wonky dream logic can be. The instant teleportation to places, the weird sensory things you experience, how Nanne in real life wouldn't behave nearly as innocent and childlike as they do here. But this is how Astarion perceives them: as a wholly pure figure that needs to be shielded and protected from monsters. He puts them up on a pedestal.

The feelings are also complicated, because Astarion's role is complicated. He's clearly a victim of Cazador's machinations, but he's also the one who lures these people to their deaths. How do you resolve that cognitive dissonance in your head? The fact that technically, you don't have a choice in killing someone, but you get to pick who gets to live and who gets to die? The fact that you're being used by these people, consumed as an object, but at the same time leading them to be consumed by someone else and ultimately killed? No wonder this man actively avoids any attempt to empathize with anyone. It's easier that way.

Nanne's involvement only makes it worse. They are living proof that people like Sebastian had futures, and Astarion "sold them out" (read: was abused and forced into an insanely difficult position where he is both victim and perpetrator) for breadcrumbs. The fact that he's pressed and coerced into using himself for so little is mind shatteringly awful. His reward for using his body and leading someone to their death is a rat. That's it. That's all. A rat. That's all Nanne's life is worth to people like Cazador. That's all it was worth to him, and realizing just how far he's come horrifies him immensely. Is it another reason why he clings to the ritual as his chance to "make it all go away?" Absolutely.

And then Nanne eats the Astral Tadpole.

So, this was something else I decided on from the beginning. First, because it's a choice that I feel a lot of players make for the gameplay advantages and not for RP, and second because more drama and angst lmao. More seriously speaking, I find becoming half-illithid absolutely fascinating in the context of romancing Astarion and persuading him to remain a spawn because on the surface, it's VERY hypocritical (which is part of the reason why Astarion is so furious about it). No, Astarion, you're not allowed to make a deal with the devil, but I'm allowed to eat this weird worm the Emperor gave me that gives me super powers!

Nanne realizes this, and that's why they're so ashamed. They've done the very thing they don't want Astarion to do, and it wasn't even solely to save him, it was as an emergency stopgap solution to being wounded. The road to hell is paved with good intentions, and while we know that eventually the Astral Tadpole will die and Nanne will go back to "normal", they don't. This could be a permanent physical change, but they're so desperate they don't care. That's the main difference between Astarion's mindset when it comes to the ritual and Nanne's mindset eating the tadpole: Astarion is so desperate to be powerful and untouchable that he completely ignores all of the bright neon warning signs telling him that this ritual is bad news. But Nanne is so desperate that they're willing to live with the consequences if it means they get a solution now.

And don't worry, there will be consequences.

Be careful of the curse that falls on young lovers Starts so soft and sweet and turns them to hunters - Howl, Florence + the Machine

The movements were jerky, a bit awkward, a bit unsure. But they understood. The first time was always the hardest.  Astarion’s nose brushed their neck, and they felt just as much as heard him inhale. An exhale, then another breath taken and released.  Together, they stood and breathed.

Didja want more hug feels? I did. (Link to the chapter here)