#nabunaga

“You ready for our date, bae?” Nabunaga knocks on your bathroom door as you straighten your Mary-Sue hair.

“Yeah, one sec!” You call out, yet you notice the smell of weed and vape sinking in through the walls. Oh Nabunaga, your one and only bae.

Once you finish up you turn off the light and walk out of the bathroom.

“Ima take you somewhere nice. Very nice. Very Gucci.”

“Oh Nabu! You’re the best.” You shout wrapping your arms around him.

“We gonna go to Taco Bell. Don’t worry about what you eat, boo! Nabu likes all types.” He smirks the smirkiest smirk ever to be smirked.

He opens your door, and walks off. It closes by itself. Oh Nabu, what a romantic.

He blasts all the ‘dope shit™’ like Lil Wayne.

“Gas pedal. Gas pedal. Shake it like ya gonna make dat ass fall off!” His smokers voice sings, making your heart flutter.

After the short ride, he escorts you inside, letting you open the door for him. What a gentleman.

“YooooOO0o0o sh1t uh, fam, my man, my bro, wazzup homie?!?!!?” He high fives the group of five year olds walking out. How lucky am I to have a boyfriend that knows and loves everyone? #blessed

He looks down into your bright orange, viper eyes. “Get anything, not too expensive fam.”

Fam? “…. I thought…. I thought I was your bæ….” Your voice cracks.

“Now you can be both.” He pulls out a box of onion rings, gets down on one knee. A group of people you never knew come in. “This is Pikunoda, Shalnoot, Kortosleep, and my twin, Nobunaga.– I know, what a weird name– I wanted them to be here for this killa moment AF”

He pulls out your ashy hands and slides the box of onion rings into it, “Will you be my bitch-ass-waifu?”

“YASSSS!!1!” You screm. He screm. They all screm. The poor guy behind the counter screm. Poot Lavado even screm.

•••

You put on your Nabu™ necklace, and your weed dress. It’s your wedding day. Your mom cried.

‘Watch me’ plays as you walk down the aisle, you hear someone whisper to you, “Yo momma cried so hard, she got diabetes.” You blush instantly.

“Impale me with that giant bear c0ck daddy!” You hear your 90 year old cousin cry to her boyfriend.

You’re so glad this brought everyone together.

As you approach the altar, Nabu whispers to you, “Daaaamnnn girl, are you head lice? Because I can’t get you outta my head.”

“Oh Nabu!” You whisper back.

“Do you take this… One… To be your rightful husband?” The preacher preaches his job.

“Ye.” You nod.

“And do you take this bomb-ass-ho to be your rightful right nip?” The wrinkly bag asks Nabu.

“As long as I get dat ass.” He smiles.

“I now pronounce you bae and baeee! Now kiss!” The preacher shouts before hitting the dab.

Just as Nabunaga leans in, he trips and falls, landing on yo tiddys.

“Can I just stay here? Bae???”

“Ey, yo, Shaaaaal, my man, ‘sup?” Nabu grinned, getting back up to his feet. “Thought you wasn’t back till like Tuesday or Wednesday or somethin’? I’da had a little welcome back thing set up for ya, y’know?”

Shalnark arched an eyebrow, not changing his posture. And he had that smile on his face. “Don’t worry about it, Nabu. I think the Four Loko you got me last time is still in the back of the fridge.” His head tilted to the side. “So, who’s your guest?”

Nabu gulped, tugging at his snapback. “Hey, uh, about that, I know this is your place an’ all, an’ I was totally gonna ask you, but y’know my cell phone don’t work so good right now cause--”

“Don’t worry.” Shalnark clapped a hand on his shoulder, smile never wavering. “Aren’t you going to introduce me to your friend?”

“Yeah, so, uh...” Nabu shuffled over to where his companion had just sat down, then stood off to the side, not making eye contact with either of them. “This is, uh, this is my bro, ummm...” He darted his eyes over, hoping the dude would get the hint.

“Tonpa?”

Nabunaga’s head snapped to the left, eyes wide. He’d been expecting the dude to be the one to say his own name, not Shalnark. “You two know each other?”

Tonpa, paler than a cloud of smoke, put a hand behind his head and forced a smile. “Yeah, we, uh... we’ve met. It was a long time ago. I didn’t think you’d remember, kid.”

There was a little crinkle around Shalnark’s eyes, a little change in his smile. Nabu had no idea what it meant, but it sure as shit meant something. “How could I forget?”

“Look, I don’t want to encroach,” Tonpa began, only to be cut off as Shalnark’s hand touched his shoulder.

“Don’t be ridiculous; you have to stay the night, for old times’ sake.” Shalnark trailed a finger along Tonpa’s jaw. “Don’t you think it’d be nice to relax, make up for lost time?”

“I, uh,” Tonpa stammered, sweat following where Shalnark’s finger had led. “I guess it couldn’t hurt?”

Nabunaga took a deep rip off of his vape, eyebrows somewhere up around his snapback. Whatever the hell this was, it was gonna be an interesting night.