I hate what you did to me

All these scars left on my body

After your cuts

They will never be pretty

They will never be smooth to touch

Will another man ever want to be with me

After how you have mutilated me

I wonder

I know I will always carry these scars

And a part of me will always love you

for who I thought you could be

and I don’t know if these scars will ever heal

I feel like I am dying

again

and again

and again

and again

You couldn’t just kill me once

You had to do it on repeat

Repeat

Repeat

Repeat

I am begging you to stop

Stop stop stop

I am shouting

I am bleeding

I am biting into your flesh to let me go

But you keep me bound up

What is wrong with you

Why can’t you let me go

You seem so cold and indifferent

Yet you keep me tied up to you

I feel dead after all your words

And yet you say you love me

While telling me how ugly I am

How does that even make sense to you

How could you do this to me

How could you cut me in so many pieces

All the while telling me you love me

while you cut me up

Piece by piece

Who does that

To another being

And I, I’ve been numb for so long

from the anasthesia you made me inhale

So you could continue to slice me open

ever so thinly

Thinly

thinly

Thinly

I feel sick

Bend over and barf you up

And yet a part of me will always love you

for what I thought you could be to me

But you never were

You chose to kill our love

in

a

blood

rush

Goodbye my love

I have gone where only sand was

To the end of the Sahara

Thought I might find you between the dunes

Staring up into the starry sky

I was looking for you wherever I went

I went to the edge of Africa

where Morocco longingly reaches out to Gibraltar

I looked into the greenest of oceans

Thinking maybe your eyes,

maybe they would be like the ocean

With the waves you might come crashing in

Not a shadow for miles around

And yet I sat there, hoping you to appear

from the emerald waters beneath my feet

Closing my eyes and letting you in

nothing there but golden sand

kissing my calves up and down

as the tide changed

And I am alone

In the middle of nowhere

Wondering where you are

A figment of my imagination perhaps

Maybe you are not even real

There is a place where

sky meets sea

only shades exist

nothing lives there

nothing dies there

it is a place

in constant catatonia

they call it a life

There is a current stirring inside of me I fear a tidal wave is rising Slamming me to the ground My insides left for anyone to see There across the cement gray as the skies above

I stare at my reflection Not sure I recognize the person She is staring back at me A hollow look glazed over with a thick layer of translucence It doesn’t feel like me But hell, nothing feels like me anymore And I always feel like I need to be anywhere but here.

The shadow of you lingers Whenever I turn around There is only blankness

You were never there I was always here And we were never one

It was all in my head My tongue searching for yours The taste of something so familiar

Such a paradoxical obsession

You left an impression

Yet I will stubbornly deny it

I will insist you barely caught my sight

That perhaps I didn’t even notice you

When in fact I inhaled

Every inch of you

Your lips moved

every word felt like a magic spell

I leaned in only to feel mesmerized

Had to force myself away

And now you’re stuck in my mind like a

Bad pop song on repeat

Repeat, repeat, repeat

I scrub every square of my skin

Every. Goddamn. Square.

To come clean

of the way you’ve drawn me in

Desperate to get rid of

whatever trance I’m under

All my radar systems failing me

You are too smooth

Here I am like a prey standing frozen

Run, run, run

My mind says

But my body says stay