#myspirituality

MET SOME CREATURE IN LUCID DREAM

I have been having very long what I can broadly call abstract discussions with a lot of people lately. This particularly one, defined my world view a little sharply.

I had started learning about Lao Tsu and Taoism last year, thanks to JKD. There was this very critical bit that I took away from it. The system, exists. It just is. It’s bigger than me, and it is not controlled by me. I cannot, at a very spiritual level, change it. (This does not translate to one person can’t make a difference). The sooner I come to terms with this, stop trying to interfere in the hope to change it and see how my relationship with the system is, the sooner I will find peace. It changed how I saw the world. I realised and accepted that I had no control whatsoever. Control is an illusion.

Then while talking to Magic Man II, I saw his world view - which was pretty much but worded differently. The world just is. Everything just is. In this present reality, it exists. In this current chosen possibility, it is. I cannot deny it. I have to accept it. The sooner I accept, the more at peace I am. This, again, doesn’t translate to resignation. The acceptance, I have found to be liberating.

Once I accept the way things are, I know it doesn’t hurt me. I can stay equitable through that experience. I don’t get overly happy, I don’t get overly upset. It just is.

Now let me push the envelope a bit. Is it? There is also this larger realisation, that there are multiple possibilities in multiverses being played out, at the same time. To me, I visualise it like being on a rotating chair, and there’s that infinity circular screen around me. Depending on which direction I look, that possibility will play out. So when all of these possibilities exist, which one plays out, which direction do I look? It’s not chosen by me entirely either usually, but I do believe a little part I can play perhaps. But the larger believe is that it’s chosen randomly. Randomness, to me, is like an ultimate truth by itself.

By the nature of all of these possibilities existing, I believe none of them actually do. It’s just a reality that has played out for me. In a bigger ecosystem, it is just one of the possibilities still. So my reality, doesn’t really exist from that perspective.

My rendevouz with death happened comparatively late in life. Usually, kids do exposed to death and I wonder how they process it. I am just grateful that I was old enough to process it. However, it was a journey to really come to terms with it.

My paternal grandfather’s death was the first one I experienced. Throat cancer. I was doing my post graduation by then I think. My parents had moved to Delhi. He had started living with them for proper cancer treatment. He was an avid reader all his life. A political science professor. Towards his end, the glaucoma in his eyes prevented him from reading. That’s when he started losing his battle. He was anyway quite old to fight this battle. But in one of those interactions, I remember him confiding in me and saying ‘I don’t want to die’. I found it strange. He was in his late 70s. He still had that much attachment that he wanted to just live through this painful cancer. It made me think. Are people ever ok with dying?

The second death I experienced was an untimely one. My paternal uncle. A freak medical ignorance case. It changed my father for good because he could never learn to forgive himself for being a doctor but not being able to protect his younger brother from death. But it was the first time I saw my father so broken that he was completely dysfunctional. I had to do things which normally he would have done. He took the call of removing my uncle from the life support after he was declared to be brain dead. He did that from home. He didn’t have the strength in him to come to the hospital. Everyone was a wreck. I went in to the NICU. I stood by my uncle, alone, when they pulled the plug. I did it to ‘see’ death. I wanted to see how life finally leaves the physical form. In his scenario, it was painless since he was gone before that. It was surreal. I didn’t know how to react. I remember being this hyper functional person when he was brought back home for cremation. I had very short bouts of tears. I was mostly running around figuring out the arrangements, making lemonade for all who couldn’t stop crying and ensuring that they didn’t get dehydrated.

My parents dogs died after that. I didn’t go back home for that. I feel bad about that now. I should have. But I am certain I acted with that knowledge then and that little nag is what taught me the lesson in life & death perhaps.

However, it was the year 2015 when I finally came to terms with death.

My maternal grandfather, who I was very close to, hadn’t been keeping well towards the end of 2014. I kept ignoring it for a while - I thought it was the usual old people sick thing. In Jan 2015, I decided to go pay him a visit. He was admitted to the hospital for the first time that day when I landed. I visited him. I played music for him. He asked me to play Marie’s her name by Elvis. I had all Elvis songs aside of that on my phone. I went back after 3 days. I thought he would get better. He hardly left the hospital after that. I remember the last time I spoke to him was in the midst of my theater practise. I was telling him about the play I was doing - Vagina Monologues. My nana was way too progressive for his times. And then, some days later, I got a call saying he is pretty much comatose. I went to visit him in the hospital. He wasn’t there. His body was, but he wasn’t conscious. He would have some bouts of what seemed like visions to me. His face would get twisted and eyes would roll like he was seeing the light. I put my pendant under his pillow in the hope of sending some energy. I left Calcutta. The night I landed back in Bangalore, he was gone. Midway during my flight I suppose. I didn’t go for his cremation. I went 13 days later for the other function that happens. I don’t know why I did it. But I did. Thankfully, my family didn’t judge me for it.

Sometime later, around August, my pregnant cat Leia, fell down my 3 floor balcony. I didn’t realise it. I was in my car, getting out of my house, and I suddenly looked right - for no real reason. And the reason was ofcourse to find my Leia hurt very badly. I picked her up, put her on my lap and started driving straight for the vet. I was beyond myself during that drive. I took Shinoy with me so I could be calm. I couldn’t stop thinking about how I didn’t see her missing. Could I have found her earlier? She got operated. Her children didn’t make it. She couldn’t survive the fall. I was alone at the vet all day through her surgery. I remember coming back to office for a bit, our biggest client till date got closed on that day. I went back. They asked me what I wanted to do with the body. I didn’t know. They said they could bury her by the tracks somewhere. I said ok. I didn’t know if there was anything I could do better. I lived in guilt. Of not noticing that my child was missing that morning when I fed the rest of them.

Later that year in Nov, I moved in to this house that I live in currently. Leia’s sibling, Luke, was an active little boy. I came to this house so that my cats could go out of the house. I found it cruel to keep them in an apartment, particularly after Leia’s fall. But what do you know? Luke got hit by a car and died on the road behind my house. My maid came in early morning shouting Luke Luke to me. She speaks only in Tamil, so I couldn’t really get what she was saying, but I was prepared for the worst in that short walk from my house to the road. There he was, splattered. Hit by a truck, perhaps. I asked her to stand there with him. I went back to my house, picked up an old sheet. I came back and picked him up. I coudn’t take him inside my house because I had other beings. So I opened my car, put him in the boot. I asked my office admin to come home with a rake. And then both of us dug up the small mud patch outside my house and put him there. For months after, I couldn’t drive past that part of the road, but I purposely did, in some twisted way of punishing myself. I would drive past to see how long that blood patch of his would be there on the road. I couldn’t forgive myself for moving into this house, and inadvertently causing his death. I had my other cats on the streets. I couldn’t stop worrying if they would meet the same fate. I felt responsible.

By the end of that year, beings really close to me were gone. I think I came to death then. I realised that I was too small in the scheme of life and death to think I could have caused or prevented anything. I absolved myself of all the guilt. I understood that there’s nothing more natural than death. I was always functional around death before that, but now I know the depth of that loss. It has made me appreciate the depth of that presence. I deeply understand that no physical form will pass before its time. When it does, it just will. We as humans don’t have any control over it.

I saw another very close death 2 years later. An uncle of mine - who had been my mausi’s love for 20 years. I dearly loved that man. He was battling blood cancer. I was making a trip to Calcutta to see him because he was sick. 2 nights before my date of travel, my mausi called at 1am. I dread midnight calls for this very reason. He was gone. I felt a jab of regret - of not making it in time. But the day I landed, was the day he came home for cremation. I stood by my mausi through that entire process - when her own children weren’t there. She was alone. And I realised, that is exactly why I was supposed to come. I absolved myself of my guilt. Truth is, things just happen the way they are supposed to. We need to stop beating ourselves for it. Somewhere between 2015 & 2018, my partner’s dog passed. I ensured I went with him to the vet when they euthanised him, even though his own family was there. I went with him to the farm where we lay him. I can’t take away anyone’s grief. But just being physically present for someone at the time when the body passes, is the strength that they need. I have started prioritising travel for death over everything. Everything else can wait, but that one moment in someone’s life has come. And we need to give it the due respect it deserves.

I celebrate life today. I live with the cognisance that anyone I know can die any day. Do I have unsaid things to them? Do I have undone things? Can I do more with every minute that I share with people and beings? I let my dogs sleep in my bed after this year - realising that someday, they will be gone as well. I might as well snuggle as much I can today. Screw the fur in my bed. I mended my relationship with my immediate family and the people in my family I care about. I have Marie’s her name on my phone. We have put a bereavement leave in our HR policy.

I have been wanting to track back my life to see how much I have wanted and when. So here it goes.

I grew up a middle class child. More than what my parents had, but still not too much. I am very very grateful for that middle class saving, not consuming too much, no wasteful spends, etc were embedded in me so early on. I have realised that it has been something that’s held true throughout.

Till I was living with my parents, I had no reason to spend as such. A bit of money for puchka was all I needed. When I went to college, I was given a pocket money of 1k per month. I lived in a hostel - so all basics were covered. I managed to make a lifestyle out of that money. Never really picked up odd jobs to match my lifestyle and be able to spend more. I remember being very clear about not asking for extra money from home and managing. It felt odd to me to take money from someone - that someone being my parents then.

When I got a fancy ass banking job at 24, I was making pots of money. That’s exactly what my dad had told me when I was very young - I have nothing to give you other than good education. I took that quite seriously. When I started earning a little too much too young, I figured I had money to spend. I spent it. Not on things as much as Mondy’s and Hawaiian Shack at Bombay :) I spent it on food, travel, gifts for my family, etc. I exhausted that money. I never had much aspiration of buying anything. I recall wanting to own a Honda Accord at some point. It died a sweet death I guess. I did buy a house - which we sold when my ex-husband and I separated. No significant purchases since.

When I started my company, I lived off nothing. I was better than college days, but very poor compared to my banking days. With time, that gap has only widened. But it doesn’t bother me one bit. I am not sure how. I realise I never really wanted anything anyway. But I also started learning about minimalism from my ex-husband and his family. They truly didn’t buy to upgrade, it was mostly to replace. There were fewer things, more clean energy flowing around.

I started on my path to minimalism a few years back. I don’t buy things. I have one of each item usually. 1 pair of sunglasses, 1 pair of jeans, 1 sneakers, 1 speaker, 1 headphone and so on. If things break, I fix or replace. A lot of times, I declutter to give away things I no longer need or use.

I do believe in astrology. By the end of the post, you will realise I believe in everything (rolls eyes).

I was born on 21st May. A cusp between Gemini & Taurus. I grew up a Gemini, the twins - which is essentially, 2 people always infighting. It’s an air sign. Taurus is a bull. An Earth sign. A little later in my life, thanks to a dear friend, I started realising what this meant. What being caught between two planetary alignments meant. What caught between earth & air meant.

I am born in duality. Recently, I have just begun to accept it. Earlier, I had fights within myself making decisions and choosing. This ofcourse, was true for very trivial everyday things. For the big decisions in my life (so to say), the choices were always clear. But it was never indecisive - it was doubly decisive. I was pretty certain about both. So I would often pass on the choice to someone else.

In the last few years, I started on what I call my spiritual journey - stepping away from the obvious reality, my reality, and understanding more. As I read and heard and talked about things, I realised there were so many conflicting, contradicting thoughts. Believers in one school of thought would often find it imperative to diss the other school of thought. The choices were apparently all very binary. You could either believe in science or religion. You could either be right wing or left wing. You could either be a man or a woman. You could either do numbers or creative. I started diassociating with all of these mandatory choices. I did not want to choose and here’s why.

Both points of view seem right to me. Both are opinions and can be the truth in their own universes. Both can co-exist. In one place, at different times, because our realities are bound by time. In another parallel universe, they exist together all the time. I have come to embrace that now. I have stopped choosing. I understand and accept it all. I am what I want to be, because of that consolidation within me. I can be anything, anytime. It happens naturally. I adapt.