#mysistermi4

i've decided to fully go back to my 2013- 2018 vibes bc even tho i didn't seem like it on the outside, i was waaayyyyyy happier then. tbh i think i was just pretending to be sad for the aesthetic. also i'm back with the guy i dated both of those times & literally the only reason i ever broke up with him was bc i thought i was too f4t (which wasn't even true most of the time) so basically im restarting bc he actually deserves it. the last person i was with would make me feel like shit abt my pcos, tell me to lose w3ight, etc. but he's not doing ANYTHING to work on himself while he's in prison (he got in a car accident & someone died, no it wasn't drunk driving but still u should have some kind of remorse!) all he ever did when we dated (so i assume he did the same stuff to his other exes & his ex-wife) was complain about how i look/talk & all this other stuff even when i was really small, cheated & lied about it or tried to justify it (& then got mad when i finally did it back lol). his ex-wife was 16 when they got married but at the time i was like "maybe it's not that weird since he was 18 or 19" (can't remember). but then ig he thought he had nothing left to lose since he was in prison & he outright admitted to me to being an actual ped0? as in looking up çp & saving FOLDERS of it on his phone?? i do NOT understand what the fuck made me think that pos was the guy i wanna be with bc holy shit im disgusted

so now im back with the guy that i really love & should never have left for that asshole just bc he's objectively hotter (but also like…not anymore, once u find that out about a person they become ugly instantly)

this guy actually deserves the best version of me, especially bc he'll never ask. he's never brought up my w3ight, never said he wants me to be skinni3r, in fact that's not even his type & he still dated me when i was really sk1nny (& also when i was way bigger than i am now). that is a person who deserves me being my best. which means happy & secure in myself & mentally stable

tbh even though everyone thinks that this is a disease & means ur unstable i actually was the best when i was actively in it. i could hold a full-time job, go to school full-time, do sports/workout every day, eat healthy when i did eat, be nice to people...it's only ever made my life better. & i wanna give my all to the guy who always loved me (im serious literally the first time he ever said he loved me which was like 11 years ago he just said it the same way u would say "the sky is blue" or "im going to work," he didn't make a whole dramatic show of it bc he was secretly trying to manipulate me like everyone else has). & both of the times we've gotten back together he literally said he was still in love with me & couldn't move on. this time he just straight up asked me to get back together, he said that he had been trying to find someone like me & there wasn't any

so let's do the math: should i lose w3ight & better myself for someone like that? or for someone who literally wants someone skinny bc he can't admit publicly that he would rather be with an actual ch1ld?? yeah i think we know who the real winner is here

& again i literally am a better person when i do that. idk why i ever tried to get "better" (well actually i do, it's because everyone else was like "that isn't safe that's bad!" newsflash buddy: so is me having heart disease & being overw3ight)

update 07/25 - only my tags

this shouldn't need to be said but hi

this is not a cute 2014 aesthetic blog. i was a teen on here in 2014 and it's not what you think, it was scary. if you're new here get out and save yourself.

stats under cut

even though they saw that as a direct insult and tried to take my money from me

Yes you. Younger Mia/Anna/Edward.

That heaviness in your chest in the middle of the night? It's not depression; it's your heart struggling to keep beating. If you don't get enough protein (120+ grams daily), your body starts to dissolve its own muscle. No, you don't magically burn fat only at 15+ hours fasted. And you burn muscle long before that. Your heart is a muscle.

I know you think you have nothing but time. Most of you think you have too much of it. I've been sick since I was 11 and now I'm almost 30. I understand. In fact, when I look back at ages 11-19 I genuinely wonder why I wanted to be gone so badly; my problems are real now, and much worse. I have survived unimaginable horrors in my 20s, usually from people who claimed to love me - myself included - trying to "punish" me. I have had 3 heart attacks. I have been shocked to wake up after drinking too much and hoping I didn't.

And even after all that?

A large part of my believes that if I were just a bit smaller, they would have treated me right.

If I were just a bit smaller, I would be invisible to those who want to hurt me or use me.

It's not true, in my experience. Actually, it seems to make me a bigger target because those people want someone who is easy to control, mentally and physically.

But still the thoughts persist.

Why? Because the human brain loves repetition. And I have been repeating these lies to myself since I was 11.

So if you're struggling, especially after SA or the loss of a loved one, go to the gym and lift heavy shit. Eat protein from soy, meat and fish. Run sprints to release your rage. Jump into a lake and feel the cold water on your face. Talk to someone - NOT someone who reminds you of that person, though. Someone who makes your stomach and legs still and calm when you sit across their desk.

But don't let the sickness consume you.

I am so young still, like you. You may think I'm ancient - I thought 26 was elderly when I was 11. But I am young. And I've wasted 2/3 of my life on this. I will be lucky to live to be 50 - your grandparents' or even parents' age. Because I let myself believe that if I was just a bit less, I would be worth more.

Please show someone your blog if you're too far in already. And don't resist their attempts to save you. Rehab is lovely, actually; if it didn't cost so much without insurance, I would gladly go back. It is a place to find yourself. And then you have all the time in the world to practice being yourself in the world.

Find peace.

will add to my pinned later but for now:

- #mysistermi4 = all my posts

- #mysistermi4diary = emotional and life stuff

- #mysistermi4log = numbers

- #mysistermi4quitting = off subs (current attempt: nicotine)