#myrambling

but i do hate the things i struggle with. i hate that it’s hard for me to manage what should be basic adult tasks and i hate that i struggle with connection and maintaining relationships and i hate that i overthink to the point of ruining things and i hate that i have very intense hard to control emotions.

i thought it was fine to hate those things, cuz they’re negatively impacting me (who i don’t hate) so of course it’s natural to hate them. but i’m finding out that hating the way i do things (or the way i don’t do things more accurately) is actually a form of self hatred.

that’s fucked up. i’ve been working so long on getting to a point where i wasn’t hating myself, and you’re telling me i’ve been secretly hating myself this whole fucking time???? and now i gotta unlearn all that shit too???????

and what sucks too is some of it i genuinely considered as a form of self preservation. like. i personally don’t consider myself annoying, i think i’m interesting and enjoyable to be around. but i do realize that people tend to find me annoying. so i’m always apologizing in advance, bracing for the inevitable fact that someone is going to think i’m too much, and instead of being preservation, it becomes self deprecation.

“it’s not that i hate myself, i’m just hyper aware of the fact that everyone will probably hate me and doing my best to change my natural behavior so that doesn’t happen” <- person who doesn’t realize hating the way you interact with and are perceived by others is a form of self hatred

oh also i started playing piano again it's actually so fun (WISH I WAS HOME RIGHT NOW TO BE ABLE TO PRACTICE IT) i'm learning how to play My Castle Town - Deltarune Chapter 2, it's pretty challenging for my skill level (aka beginner+++, i am 100% self taught, i learned to play it back in 2021 for like a year and haven't touched a piano for the last four years since lmao) BUT!!!! it's very fun i forgot how fun playing piano was

So here’s my rambling for PoppyWeekend day 2 - angst. I’m not even sure if this can be called angst lol. I don’t really write, so it’s only in the form of rambling (for now)

Thanks for @somewillwin @uhh-the-green-thing @jmojellybae @stanzoeywade who listen to my random ramblings all the time lol, even though it’s messy as hell since I can barely words

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Graduation

Im just thinking of a scene during graduation you know. I keep thinking of the lines Poppy said in the very beginning when we meet for the first time. "I will be your first and last memory of Belvoire." - what if it becomes a full circle.

What about after unexpected allyship, they actually have a hard time parting from each other.

Maybe after working together and defeating X at the end, they both celebrate it of course, but maybe they don't really hang out together for the rest of their Belvoire time (only a few months before graduating). Just both of them coming to an understanding that ruining each other is kinda pointless. "This doesn't make us friends," Poppy says. Bea agrees. They only give a subtle nod when they see each other outside.

Until graduation comes, and they both realize that they probably will never see each other again.

(Well, they could, but it would be difficult to admit "I still want to see you sometimes." given their complicated history and their huge ego)

And then the day comes. Poppy and Bea are just stealing glances in between, thinking that maybe they should have a quick private talk to finally close the chapter, but both are surrounded by their own circle.

Until the ceremony ends, and the crowds finally disperses. Bea sees Poppy standing alone and she decides to approach her.  "Hey."

"Hey."

They talk. Just to wrap things up. It ends well. But I guess both would just be sad inside because 'oh, this is the end' but they don't want it to happen, but they also don't know what to say. So silence just hangs between them.

Bea breaks it, "I guess this is the part where you wish me to die huh?"

Poppy just rolls her eyes, “Won’t be necessary. You’d wish to die when you end up in a crappy apartment full of New York rats.”

They both laugh. Until it fades away and now they have to say the real goodbye.

“So this is it. Finally we’re free from each other.” Bea says.

Poppy hums.

“I guess this is a goodbye,” and Bea offers her hand.

But Poppy doesn’t take it. She just keeps staring at Bea. I guess the word ‘goodbye’ finally sinks in. It takes a while until she takes Bea’s hand. A firm handshake and all.

They finally part ways and walk in opposite direction.

i’ve never found it easy to shut up and i’m a chronic oversharer. it’s just the way i am, i’m used to being misunderstood a lot and there’s just something in me that says if i can just clarify my words once more, just translate my thoughts a little bit clearer, then i’ll finally gain this ever sought after sense of connection.

but i do get self conscious splaying out my insides without getting feedback. i was high w someone recently and i was yapping and yapping and yapping and getting no response, so i asked a question and they said they didn’t know, and so i asked what they were thinking abt and they said they didn’t know, and the conversation just kinda fizzled out.

i dunno. maybe it’s invasive of me, but i get uneasy sometimes when ppl don’t say what’s on their mind. cuz i just can’t help myself from saying what’s on mine. and i find it very hard to read people. like, with literature, i can make inferences and pick up on subtext and come to conclusions based on action and dialogue and sometimes even inner thoughts themselves. but for people, everyone has their own meanings and hidden meanings and i tend to underread or, more often, overread into it.

there are ppl i know who say “i’m not mad” while distancing themselves from me to mean “i am mad and you should know this and run after me and make sure i’m okay or you don’t care about me” and ppl who say “i’m not mad” while distancing themselves from me to mean “i’m not mad. just busy/need a break/whatever” and so it’s not always easy working out what means what

ideally i should probably just take everything at face value and if someone isn’t upfront that’s on them, but idk. hidden meaning and subtext are what i deal in with my obsession with literature, and even the most honest person can say something that has hidden meanings. and being unable to pick up on passive aggression or secretly mean comments just puts u at risk for being made fun of without even knowing what’s happening :/ idk

i guess all this to say i appreciate ppl who take time to clarify and get on the same page and long to understand and be understood. i enjoy the friends i have who r open with me. and there r definitely a few of them who are not naturally open ppl. like “you could not waterboard this information out of me but i will tell u on a phone call” kinda friends. that’s a rlly special feeling.

it’s just rlly nice to be able to have someone who you can tell anything to, no matter how weird, inconsequential, embarrassing, fucked up, whatever, and just feel secure in the fact that they won’t judge u cuz they tell u the same shit. like. there is something so deeply strange within us both. pleaseeeeee let me into ur brain so i can see it pleaseeeee tear open your chest so our souls can have a play date, i know mine gets awful lonely…

awww thank u anon :3 yea it’s not everyone’s cup of tea and that’s okay. tbh it scares me too, i just get really turned on by the fear lol. it’s such an intense vulnerability, to be so small and in the hands of someone who could kill you on accident. but the power dynamics just elicit such intense and visceral emotions in me.

even the thought of simply being held by a giant just makes me crazy. paralyzed with terror, unsure what this massive beings intentions are. maybe it will hurt you, even kill you. but maybe not. maybe it’s fascinated by you. maybe it thinks you’re a cute little thing and it wants to protect you. maybe it sees your weakness and is turned on by how easily it can dominate you. maybe it sees you as a potential friend, or perhaps a potential toy.

i don’t know exactly what it is, but the idea of a being that could so easily kill me but doesn’t? out of love, curiosity, desire, whatever. it just makes me so horny. that’s about half of my love of the vampire. the other half is the intrinsic desire built into the vampire. a vampire wants you. it needs you.

add that desire to the giant and you’ve got a perfect fantasy. this sublime being who could kill you. but they don’t. they can’t. because they want you. want your company, your entertainment, your trust, your love, your body, you.

and the immense relief that breaks after the build up of the fear is so sweet. it doesn’t want to hurt you. it wants to own you, take care of you, protect you, adore you, feel you, use you, love you. the fear never completely subsides, there’s always a rush, always the exhilaration of not knowing what happens next. and that’s just incredibly hot to me.

of course, this is just one aspect of the erotic potential of giants but it’s the one that appeals to me most