thinking abt vampires again lately (as if i’d ever stopped lol) and while i love vampires in so many different ways, i’m thinking of the types of vampires i fantasize abt in a sexual way and what the appeal is to me. definitely the power imbalance and fear. and the bloodlust as an intrinsic desire, but it’s not really about the blood drinking alone. i don’t think i’ve ever had a fantasy about a vampire who solely wants to drain me.

it’s either been 1. vampire who is seeking fun and entertainment more than blood. not that the blood doesn’t matter, it does make up a huge part of it, but the vampire acknowledges the power it has over humans and develops a bit of a god complex over it and sees humans as not just a food source, but things to play with.

or 2. conflicted vampires. they have this hunger built into them and they need to satiate it but they haven’t been able to fully dehumanize humanity. there’s varying levels of conflict in this type. not a huge fan when they get too defanged, cuz the underlying danger is a huge draw, knowing that any second they could kill you. but there should be a sweetness to them. and a little angst.

these r the two main vampire archetypes that i’ve been into (which is noootttt surprising at all considering how prevalent they are in like. every vampire media ever) and they aren’t like. strict categories. it’s fun when a vampire crosses over or has a bit of both, but these r just the general areas where my vampire fantasies lie.

i am also rlly into the. pathetic vampire type? for lack of a better term? where the scenario shifts so that the vampire is the weak one, usually due to being hunted or at the point of starvation. begging for blood. i do think that can be really hot. but i’ve drifted away from that a little bit as my sexuality has solidified and become predominantly submissive. lol.

tho there absolutely are aspects of the weak vampire that i like when recontextualized. i still find desperation so hot, and the idea of having a sliver of power over the situation that ultimately i am powerless in is cool. to me. vampire who could easily just bite me but they beg me for it. or threatening a vampire w a stake and it’s talking me down, not so much cuz it’s worried i’ll actually kill it, just trying to convince me i don’t need to be scared of it. that’s hot to me. idk.

if i do have a scenario w a vampire i have some power over i generally like there to be a power shift at some point. vampire chained up with silver who i take pity on and release and it becomes sadistic is hot. or vampire on the brink of starvation and and i let it feed on me and it almost loses itself while i’m helpless to stop it, that’s hot. i’ve always been into role reversal narratives too… they’re fun for me.

occasionally will insert myself into the pathetic vampire role w scenarios involving vampire hunter who tries to kill me but doesn’t. and then we fuck. etc. u get it. u know the drill. but to be so honest i don’t rlly fantasize abt vampires much lately. sexually, i mean. been 99% giants for the past like. 2 years at least. got that micro mentality…. teehee

anyway. fantasies involving first type r pretty straightforward. preyed on by vampire. used sexually and as entertainment. often there is something the vampire finds fascinating abt me n wants to keep me around for (never been into snuff lol.) sometimes it becomes a fucked up infatuation and frustration. kidnapping often. pretty easily translatable to giant scenarios lol

second type has more variety but at the root the tension comes from the fact that the vampire wants to feed on me but also desperately doesn’t want to hurt me. or scare me. that’s a big thing actually. vampire who knows it can kill me and knows it’s a good thing i’m afraid of it but also. just really wants me not to be. it’s fun when it’s got a suave exterior to kinda hide that fact too. teasing, toying, flaunting power. but at the center of its desire is the desire for my trust and affection. my vulnerability. a lotta the time this type will have some self consciousness/loathing complexes where the obvious power imbalances make it feel monstrous and horrific and undeserving of trust or affection or any kind of tenderness, despite how badly it craves it. i do go a little crazy for that. i dunno. it doesn’t have to come up to the surface often, but i do like when it peeks through. it endears me. wanting so badly to be seen without fear. wanting to be trusted. cuz i want so badly to give my trust.

i guess that’s the main thing. in these scenarios i want to be vulnerable, and so i want someone who wants my vulnerability. taken forcibly or given freely. but wants it. needs it. i don’t like the thought much of being vulnerable with someone who doesn’t care abt seeing me vulnerable. id rather cruel intentions than no intentions yknow. i know i said the blood drinking isn’t the main thing for me, but i do love that aspect of vampire scenarios. there is a hunger in them that i can satiate. that’s hot.

all these aspects are very easily translatable to macro micro for me so that’s fun. the only thing is, without the literal blood drinking metaphor and lack of well established pop culturey cliches n tropes, it does blur the lines sometimes trying to figure out where the desire comes from. which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. a lot of it can be broken down to the giant trying to gain fear or trust, but there’s more room for nuanced desires and it can get really interesting and fun. wanting the micro out of curiosity, pity, lust, sense of cuteness, a mix of various reasons. it’s cool. but at the same time, i do like knowing in clear terms what is the want. where’s the drive. what’s this desire coming from. or if it can’t be pinned down, i at least like to be able to tell it’s there yknow?

i don’t rlly get into scenarios with aloof giants who have no feelings whatsoever towards the micros. doesn’t do it for me. they can be hiding their feelings, but they have to be there. the only unaware i’m rlly into is masturbation/sex with micro caught up, cuz then there’s at least some sexual desire at play on the part of the giant. kinda like the whole pleasing u pleases me kinda deal. hot as fuck when a giant is getting off, in any way. hot as fuck to be used to help it get off unintentionally. but tbh i usually like to reimagine so it’s pretend unaware/one partner aware. lol

[i do want to add real quick that while i disagreed abt using possession as an effective way to tell a story abt being replaced by someone better than u, that’s just my opinion, (as is everything i wrote here, these r all just personal reflections) and i’m sure it could be utilized in a way that works for someone else. it’s a cool idea anon, sorry for tearing it apart a bit lol]

i do feel like explorations of societal identity that focus on personal flaws and self hatred play out better with the physical double in a lot of respects. physical manifestation of yourself reflected and made to highlight your flaws that you can gaze into rather than ideal version of what you want to be as an abstract possessive entity.

the fact that you still exist physically and can interact with the world whilst your doppelgänger is living your life really emphasizes the persecution paranoia that comes with the territory, cuz if you’re seen together, most likely the ppl around you will try to root out the phony and if you know you’re coarse and rotten and unpleasant, then the jealousy and fear of being replaced gets a spotlight.

cuz that’s what most interests me in stories of social identity. the idea that if you are not good enough in society’s eyes, they will replace you. if you aren’t pleasant and likeable and kind all the time, your loved ones will drop you for someone who is.

social identities often come with a sense of obligation. this person has their flaws but they’re my sister, my friend, my husband, my coworker, my neighbor. the past and every moment that has built up a relationship acts as a sort of safety net. those nets can be abused, see how ppl stick around ppl who hurt them becuz of what they used to be. but they’re also kinda essential. no one is perfect all the time. everyone has bad days and will say or do the wrong thing, and they still deserve to have ppl who love them.

the strongest relationships i’ve had in my life are ones where i know i can mess up and still be loved. they last thru times where i kinda suck. when i’m being irritable or apathetic or insensitive or annoying or distant or obtuse or whatever. having someone who knows me and has known me at my best and worst and sees me in my entirety instead of just this low point, and will continue to care about me even when i’m not a good friend or a productive member of society or can offer them anything but a headache? that has saved my life.

so when exploring this sense of social identity in fiction, the most interesting way to go about it (to me at least) is to take these real fears of losing that sense of identity and the safety that comes with it, and give them a physical manifestation. what is that sense of identity? what makes you you to the people around you? is it your appearance? the things you say? the way you act? if something can mimic that while also acting as a foil to all of your flaws, can they really become you in the eyes of society?

while possession def can get across these ideas and fears, it kinda falls flat at the end for me. becuz the possessed takes a passive role in all this. no chance to try and convince your friends you’re you, no opportunity to proclaim your identity, no desperate begging to be recognized “it’s me it’s me you have to know i’m me!” and no tension that you could be mistaken for the imposter and turned on by the ones who should love you. you’re safe in a state of suspended anticipation in the back of your mind, watching and waiting to see if anyone notices.

it’s a horrific concept of course, but with the removal of the original identity from the narrative, i can’t imagine a satisfying conclusion. maybe someone else could. but i feel like if a character ceases to exist in the world, they become static, which identity never is, and if they remain trapped in their own head watching their life happen thru their eyes, the loss of identity isn’t as severe. despite knowing that it’s a different beings joke coming out of their mouth, they still get to hear their friend laugh. still get to feel their mothers arms around them. still get to see their wife smile at them. there’s horror in that for sure, but it doesn’t strike me with the same sense of dread as complete separation from your identity.

possession absolutely can be utilized to focus on identity issues. something wearing your skin and masquerading as you. ruining your life, taking it over, abandoning it. causing people to hate and fear and be hurt by your visage, while you can do nothing but watch. i do think possession excels when the force possessing you is worse than you though.

something forcing your body to do all these terrible things while you are a helpless spectator to the destruction of your life. tarnishing your image and reputation. your child begging and pleading with you to put down the knife, your boyfriend struggling against you looking up at you with betrayal and terror, your dog cowering in a corner at the spectacle, and how could they accept you would do this? how can they not realize that this isn’t you? is your sense of self to them so shallow that they base it entirely on your physical self? can’t they tell it’s not you, that you would never do this?

and the aftermath of those possessions are always so god fucking awful for the possessed. which makes them essential. even if you manage to convince them it wasn’t you, even if they believe you, even if they tell you it wasn’t your fault, every time they see your face they’re reminded of what happened. they can’t meet your eyes anymore. they love you, but seeing you brings them back to the horrific event. your dog who has unconditionally loved you it’s entire life can’t even be in the same room as you anymore.

there r a lot of places to take that.

the possession that ruins your life could be an exploration of the self as a fragmented identity to try and distance the ugly parts of yourself. while posing as an outside force, the thing that possesses you is more of a mr hyde, all your hidden desires and impulses unleashed and all inhibitions released. you lost control and did something terrible and have separated yourself into “demon” and “possessed” to console yourself and escape your guilt.

the possession metaphor really comes thru for this; being led by your emotions and misguided instincts in the heat of the moment finds the perfect parallel in the loss of control and helplessness that comes from being possessed.

the possession that ruins your life could also represent a force that comes into your life and makes you worse. while you are still deluding yourself into thinking that something wicked is taking over and ruining your life to pretend that you are a good person who could never do that, in this version there IS actually an outside force at play. someone or something got into your life and is twisting you into someone you and your loved ones don’t recognize. until you don’t notice the day when you’ve been exorcised of it because you act just the way it made you act.

the possession can represent an actual person who is a harmful influence, some sort of change to your life that negatively affected you, but most often it will be an event, especially a traumatic one, that warped you into someone so different, so grotesque to yourself, that you call it possession instead of facing the thing you see behind your eyes. works really well paired with the inherent violation that a possession requires.

the possession that ruins your life could also be an exploration of the fact that your identity in the eyes of others is so reliant on your physical form. even if it walks and talks like a duck, if it looks like you, people will think it’s you. this idea can be explored a few different ways— possession, body swap, any form of double; doppelgänger, twin, shapeshifter etc. the core of it is that something looks like you, is causing harm, and your identity is going to suffer for it.

possession works better in this sense of ruining you rather than replacing you cuz the inability to intercede or do anything at all works in favor of your life being ruined. your passivity is aiding the tension; rather than sitting idly by hoping someone recognizes you so you can return to your life, you are unable to do anything but watch it crumble around you, and slowly the hope that you get control back is turning to dread. do you even want to go back after everything and everyone has turned against you?

that is the root issue of my anxieties over identity. the fear of being replaced by someone who lives my life better than me is interconnected with the fear of someone living life worse than me and destroying it. both extensions of the same horrible thought.

if i can’t maintain a strong recognizable sense of identity, how is anyone supposed to love me?

i want desperately to be known and understood and seen and loved. taken in in my entirety and accepted and loved for it all. but if my sense of identity, or others perceptions of it, can be so easily mistaken? if people can’t actually tell who the real me is? what hope do i have.

in one of the most impactful and terrifying nightmares i had as a kid, i was turned into a goon (from an illustration in a book based on the song little bunny foo foo, basically gangling limbed green creature). the transformation itself wasn’t scary, even being in a different body wasn’t that frightening. the worst part was when i went to get help from my family, all sitting around the dinner table that i’d been eating at just before my transformation. they didn’t recognize me when they saw me, and immediately recoiled in horror and disgust. i tried to speak but couldn’t. i grabbed my cup off the table and drank some water and tried again. the last thing i remember from the dream was croaking out my sisters name while desperately reaching out to her, and only seeing fear and hatred in her eyes.

this began my long abject terror and eventual fascination with metamorphosis. it horrified me more than anything. i remember being haunted by an episode of bbc merlin where guinevere is turned into a deer and hunted and almost killed by arthur. or this movie that was playing at a family friends house that i only caught a small part of, but centered a man who hated dogs have his son turn into one; the scene i caught was the son nearly being shot by his father.

there was this book i didn’t even read, but the summary was about how a boy who loved spiders was magically turned into one and his mother found him and thought it was her sons pet and chased him out of the house. i thought a lot about what i would do if i was turned into a spider or a fly as a kid. once i told my brother i would probably kill myself, which apparently wasnt the right answer, but it seemed a better alternative to being killed by my mom without her knowing it was me.

i actually cried the first time i read kafkas metamorphosis. and i don’t normally cry from books. the hardest episode of buffy for me to watch was the one where giles is turned into a demon. it stressed me out so terribly. so did the faith buffy body swap. i just hate hate hate the idea of someone i love and who should love me, not being able to recognize me as me. loss of identity so severe that i am left utterly alone and unloved and even despised.

so if something is taking over my life and running it better than i am? showing me how unlovable i am by being more easily loved than i could ever be? acting as a foil to highlight every fault and crack in my soul that makes me feel worthy of rejection from society and hatred and disgust from friends and family? i need to exist separately from it to feel the full effect.

what is more terrifying than being possessed and knowing that people love you less than the thing that possessed you, is being replaced by something that lives your life better, and still having to exist in the world. no connections, no home, no friends, no family, no life, no identity. because if you try to reclaim that, you risk losing to your replacement, and being seen as other by everyone who used to love you. hunted down by your closest relations, cuz everyone knows you must destroy an evil doppelgänger. and you get to look yourself in the eye as a perfect replica of your face smiles at the sight of you being turned on by your loved ones.