#myjake

There’s an internal monologue playing over and over and over again in my brain as I wind down from the first month of marriage and the craziness that has been enveloping my life over the last 10 months, and sadly, it’s not a positive one. Those closest to me know what a bittersweet time this has been, knowing I’m marrying the man of my dreams, fully supported by my mom, dad, and Big Brother Superhero....and yet, missing my BBFFN Josh. I’ve made a lot of friends in the last 4 years since Josh walked out of our lives, and so a lot of them don’t even know I have another brother. Those that do know about him probably don’t realize that I live roughly 10 minutes from his house now. It’s impossible to go to the grocery store or walk down Mainstreet and not be constantly looking over my shoulder for his face. Jacob and I walked around the Farmer’s Market yesterday, walked near a park where children were playing and laughing, and I had to stare and study each child to see if one of my nephews was out there giggling and carrying on. Oh, yeah, I have 2 nephews. I haven’t seen the oldest since he was about 4 months old. I have yet to meet the younger one. It’s hard living here, and wondering if maybe he has seen me at the gas station, or Walgreens, and turned the other way- dropped his groceries and made a B-line for the front door so he wouldn’t have to actually talk to me. 

But I’m not writing this for a pity party. Really, most days are okay. I stick to my schedule and I go about my business. I’m sharing this because I have a good handful of friends who are deeply supportive and very very real. They’ve been posting on social media about being “real with others.” (Thanks Layne and Aubrey). We live in a world now where we only post our best selves on facebook/instagram/snapchat/twitter/you-name-it. But people don’t work like that. In fact, all of us are kind of messy. All of us have hurt and hang-ups in our past that should make it hard to get out of bed in the morning. All of us have dealt with stuff, or are currently dealing with stuff, that should turn us into zombies and heartless people because sometimes being a human just plain hurts. Sometimes the pain is too great to stand. But it’s the strongest of us that stand up anyway. 

We got our wedding photos back a couple of days ago, and while the portraits are okay, it just seems so glaringly obvious to me that there are 4 people missing from our family photo. Others may say that it’s not so bad, and I guess it isn’t really. These 4 people by my side are the reason I am who I am today. But imagine if we were a family of 6 with Josh in it, or even better, a family of 9 with his wife and 2 boys. I couldn’t wait to be an Aunt when we found out Lexi was pregnant, and now that opportunity is gone...at least with them.

BUT HERE’S WHY I CAN GET OUT OF BED IN THE MORNING: Jacob has 9 brothers and sisters. Three of his siblings already have kids, which gives me a grand total of 12 nieces and nephews that I just inherited by becoming Mrs. Hardwick. ON TOP OF THAT, one of his younger brothers (who I grew up knowing), is due to have a beautiful baby girl with his wife Melissa sometime next year, so AUNTIE LIFE IS STILL UPON ME! I grew up hearing the phrase that God would never take away something great without giving you something better in return, and I lost one sibling, one sister-in-law, and two nephews, but I gained so so much more. I still miss Josh terribly. Somedays, just getting out of bed is a struggle because I wake up still lost in the dreams I was having. This morning, I dreamt Jacob and I were at Snooze with Josh and Lexi, drinking coffee and eating pancakes. It was exactly the kind of picture Josh and I had always talked about growing up- that when we got married, we’d double date and let mom and dad watch our kids. 

But then I woke up.

I woke up to Jacob’s gentle arms wrapped around my torso and I took a deep breath and I knew I wasn’t having Snooze pancakes with Josh and Lexi, but I was hitting snooze with Jacob. Jacob, who understands and empathizes so wonderfully with my heart. Jacob, who was good friends with Josh and misses him too. Jacob, who always lets me cry on him when I need to, but also lets me be angry when I need to also. My wonderful, sweet husband, who knew our wedding day was a long day of wishing Josh would show up. And I was so thankful in that moment, this morning, when I rolled over and laid my head on his chest and listened to his heart beat. I was so grateful for the man and the family God designed for my hurting heart. 

I guess the point is this, don’t let your internal monologue steal your joy. We shouldn’t have been a family of 6. We should have been the family of 5 that you see in that photo. We should have been exactly as we were. We are now exactly as it was meant to be. We are stronger and more fearless and more willing to love harder than we ever were before, and for this family of five, I am so grateful.