Hello! i am gonna answer this in parts instead of posting the whole ask so its easier to read lol.
I feel like i cant even get into everything else before we discuss Why TPE is ok. (why it is different from abuse, a concern i have understanding for especially in a world that straight up doesn't condemn abusive relationship dynamics)
BDSM, specifically violence during sex, is something people would be doing even without the frame of consent, community, safety expectations, etc that BDSM gives. I think it can be helpful to think about TPE the same way. It gives a community where people engaging in dangerous play, something that would be harmful twisted into something mutually pleasurable, can have an idea what the dangers are, a supportive community who understands what is ok and not ok from within power exchange, a pre-req that people empowered by this dynamic have to care about their partners comfort and happiness and well being, a language for both parties to express their feelings around it at all times etc. When we talk about abusive dynamics vs TPE, we need to talk further than otherwise necessary about why that control is bad. (Not on a large scale just literally for the person in that abusive dynamic. )
We can look to BDSM for help with this: what is wrong with hitting someone? It cant be that it hurts, we all think boxing is okay. Liking to punch and be punched recreationally is not an unheard of desire. The psychological effects of abuse make the abused feel trapped, powerless, afraid of what might happen to them next, it causes fear for their safety. This is markedly not what is happening during bdsm or in tpe . If you want to hit someone, you can find someone who wants to be hit, but in abusive dynamics its not just about wanting to hit someone, its about wanting to have power over them. From The new topping manual:
What I want to address is the line between what i do and what a tradwife does becauuse its seriously one of the hardest parts of this to talk about……. Because a lot of tradwives are literally doing bdsm. Like tradwife is a kink identity LOLLLL and its not hard to see why.
(the ragebait driven engagement mill on social media created the kink content -> propaganda pipeline + its sooo hard to discuss the specific kink identity of a tradwife Disconnected from the way that same identity is being used for propaganda, even though that role is treated with a lot more care+ understanding in kink communities than outside of them. If u are someone who feels very strongly about No women being in this position with their husbands i dont necessarily blame you! Lots of women have trauma from this expectation and will never understand opting into it, you can think of consensual non consent as a similar situation. I think people will always sexualize hierarchy + powerlessness and there should be a framework of consent to base your dynamic off of and imo your dislike of the idea or even of the political implications wont make people safer.)
It is just like daddy/boy dynamics to me, obviously based on a real life type of hierarchy, one subverted by mutual desire and consent. This kind of parent/child tpe dynamic we could understand easily as being wrong in real life but more clearly fiction because the line between what is fiction and reality is more clear (they are not really an adult + child. They are really a husband and wife though). But i already dont think the amount that a dynamic is fictional is what makes tpe healthy, I think its mutual enjoyment and well being. If something is harming you its bad. If it isnt harming you, who says it has to be?
I dont blame anyone for not understanding or feeling personally disinterested in these dynamics, there are lots of kink dynamics that i would never try, lots of kink I am very uninterested in. Lots that I find the idea of unpleasant. If you have baggage with expectations of domestic labor U might not find that same expectation sexy. Or maybe the baggage makes it more sexy.
On Responsibility:
In every long term committed live-in relationship, we can simplify and say Partnership using that definition, there is going to be struggles over + need to clarify expectations, control, vulnerability, responsibility to each other and yourself.
A perfect egalitarian relationship would maybe be one where you split all costs down the middle, all chores down the middle, all responsibilities dictated by equalness, which is fine and im sure how SOME people work in their relationships, but I am sure we are all familiar with the way things are usually split up in partnership, that is to say, some people like some stuff and some people like other stuff (and are good at some stuff bad at others, have careers in some things etc). I think this is a source of intimacy for most healthy relationships: being able to tailor your responsibilities alongside your partner, being able to take care of them and be taken care of in the way you both see fit (I think this exact same intimacy is the source of even the most unegalitarian tpe dynamics)
This, for some partnerships, can include administrative tasks, or ones that inherently mean one partner taking “control” in some area, I think its perfectly normal for one person to be in charge of taxes and money in a partnership, for example, if that makes sense for them, but for lots of people that might seem like an overstep! I once watched a couple talk about how, for anything they do together, they will decide a "captain" and a “co-captain” where the captain would decide what to do + it was just the co-captains job to follow instructions, and they changed who did what depending on the task + what they like to do, and it worked great for them! It wasn’t a kink thing either!! I think in these partnerships, when theyre healthy and happy for both parties, this dynamic can seem obvious + perfectly egalitarian even though its often not! It often requires someone taking on agreed-to responsibility, and someone else giving control up! Which is why i think it can be so normal to not get how another partnership’s dynamic works, you just wont have all the info the way the people in that relationship do.
I love tpe because it makes all of these expectations extremely clear, it gives both me and my owner well worn ways to express our desires and dissatisfaction (especially on his side!!!!!!!! my favorite part!!!!!! <33333333)
The last thing i will say is there is no real way for me to talk about tpe through shane + ilya solely because I am always talking through the lens of the kind of love + safety ive found in my tpe dynamic. There isnt a way for me to talk about tpe without it being partially about myself considering this is my full time life + as such when im explaining tpe i will be referencing my dynamic . Hope this is helpful + informational! sorry abt the length!!!!!!
This is something im very interested in talking about more complexly, but i think theres a serious gap in language for people who view being a sub (or a dom. Im going to use sub as an example) as a part time costume they put on during sex, vs subs who view it as an identity label. Being a sub to me is like saying im a lesbian like it was always there I just finally have the language to describe it. In my relationship, my Owner’s dominance and my submission have always been our most indulgent, private, and loved parts of each other. When we used to “turn up” our dynamic during sex it was not a costume we were both putting on, it was an extension of the way we liked our relationship to be all the time but needlessly confined to our sexual dynamic, it would make both of us feel more like ourselves before we had to go back to our regular life.
the way we split up control and responsibility has never been similar to other peoples relationships + it has always been informed by those parts of our identities. TPE is a way we formalize + ensure the healthiness of our dynamic, gives us a way to talk about things that before we had to leave things unsaid + nebulous. Its a language we put to the way we already like things to be. I dont feel like im acting when im being submissive, when im taking orders, when im trusting other people to take care of me, when im giving up power for someone else to take. That is all when i feel the most comfortable, when I feel the most like myself, and i think all of these are Assets of mine that other people enjoy about me!
I actually feel like this is something so heavily supported by the text and shanes character development through the whole first season that I might not be able to answer this convincingly. I think Shane's whole character arc is about learning how to give up control and every good decision he makes about his life involves hiring out a part of his control to an expert. (and almost everything bad he does to himself regards having Control over his life lolll) He is freed when he can let someone else make his decisions. His food, dress, schedule, branding, the way his houses look etc are all given over to other people And all of this is at least partly framed as good for him. It already frames shane having less control over his personal life as something he likes and can have! Its something he can opt into to make himself more peaceful!!! And its specifically Because hes so hyper competent and confident and in control in hockey that he enjoys this backseat in the rest of his life!! Its Shane The Person that he doesn't want the controls for.
It’s part of the reason he's in love with Ilya is Ilya gives him explicit instructions. That’s part of why he likes sex with him, because Ilya tells him what to do. And that's a relief to Shane, you know. He loves that because then he doesn't feel like he's about to make a mistake. He comes at it from a place of inexperience and insecurity, and so if someone is telling you what to do, you’re like—okay well at least I can do this. He seems to want this, you know?... There is an element of just wanting to let go and be taken care of.” - Jacob Tierney
I think Shane loves control…. Outside of his life he likes steering the thing, he likes… dominating to a degree in his sport, He likes to do everything to be able to continue to do that in his sport, I think that's his whole life up to this point. So I think that with Ilya there's an element of control he can give up, and hes reinforced that hes doing a good job. And at the end of the day, Shane loves to do a good job and make people happy and perform… - Hudson Williams
And thats him liking giving up decision making during sex, for the exact same reasons he enjoys having a stylist decide his clothes, a nutritionist pick his diet, his mom run his schedule + branding: it all gives him freedom from culpability around decisions. So its established he likes giving control over sexually + nonsexually for the same reason. Surely you can understand where i get the tpe from :)
Um idk . Idk how to answer this because like i only know how my own tpe started. You can read decisions decisions which i think is a masterpiece in showing how egalitarian relationships can decide to implement power exchange before theres even been a conversation about it, how both their personalities might lead to TPE.
The negotiation of tpe is like the boring administration to get to the fun of sexualized hierarchy … In the same way when i talk about bondage im not really interested in the negotiation lollll. But for us! We decided to start power exchange because I felt like i wanted to invite my dom to be more self centered about his pleasure + my displeasure. Hes incredibly gentle and fair and responsible, and while he has always been comfortable taking a dominant + guiding + giving role in our relationship, he was never able to expect me to obey him or to have a guarantee his leadership would be supported by me because it was a line of egalitarianism we didnt cross. This was frustrating for both of us! Having rules that require me to obey and require him to go into directing me with the knowledge that it I am placing myself in a vulnerable position makes us both feel like our relationship is way more authentic.
Boundaries, negotiation, safe words, time limits, etc are all things that vary between tpe dynamics, but my dynamic has a very conventional intro-to tpe set up. If I’m feeling overwhelmed its expected that my owner reads the situation to make sure the way we are handling things doesnt make it worse. We dont have a lot of strictly defined boundaries because we are finding them together! He doesn't ask me to drive on freeways and I don't ask him to make decisions about my friendships because those are somewhat “hard limits” for us, and I’m sure we will find more! (he doesn't like the idea of controlling my relationships But i would give that to him if he wanted LOLLLL)
Any partnership is about finding what makes both parties the most comfortable, it just takes far more conversation when you play with hierarchy this way! We talk about how we both feel about every single thing we do constantly. Its our favorite thing to talk about. our biggest hobby is working on our dynamic together. We have established that this could be something we just do for now, and that if we start not liking it as much we could re-negotiate. We dont have a contract, we started with very small displays of power exchange- I prioritized obedience, I started to sit at his feet- and he took over directing me to do more in turn. We added rules and punishments slowly. At every step our trust in each other has grown and weve been able to ask for more. It has been a very gradual transition and we both get very excited when we agree i need a new rule or that we should give him decision making power over another area of my life.
Um yeah it would be an awkward conversation but i think theyll be ok. U could be egalitarian again or decide on a lower protocol. This conversation + the possibility of one of us becoming dissatisfied have always been something weve discussed in my dynamic.
I really think they would keep it a secret from everyone- imo it would be one of their favorite things about it. Their relationship being Just for them is something that i could see them missing post-being outed. In my life, people have only ever seen our dynamic as us being super supportive + understanding of each other. People in my Owner's family tell us its so sweet how we “accommodate” each other, and my parents are always thanking my owner for taking such good care of me. Its something everyone sees even if we are not making an effort to Show people. Everyone we know thinks we are insanely suited for each other and don’t need to know any more than that. We are very private but still very loving around other people, and i wouldnt describe this as turning our dynamic off. We are always shifting the force of our power exchange for the circumstances (in a lot of tpe circles this is looked down on lollll + theyre kinda right we are for now not "really" tpe) In some tpe dynamics they choose to share partially or totally with their loved ones but me and my owner have always felt like our relationship is something only for us. I feel more like myself at his feet than i do anywhere else :) no one sees me as totally as he does.
Haha i knowwwwww i could not imagine it. Genuinely if me and my dom switched places even for a second we could both drop dead, but this is why total power exchange is not for everyone + lifestyle submission/dominance take a specific type of person. I have seen exactly why my owner does so well in his position, and I feel like i see the same qualities in ilya.
One of the things i have always loved most about my owner is that Hes a caretaker, there has never been a time in his life where he wasnt taking care of everyone around him, but its also his passion. His job is in nursing, he has always wanted kids more than anything, since the first day I met him he has dedicated his time to finding out how I need to be taken care of and mastering it. I have truly never met someone like him, he is exceptionally organized, exceptionally neat, he has always been comfortable advocating for himself and for others, he sees everything and tries to help everyone. He is so kind it hurts my hearttttttt he was never taken care of enough and still he is so selfless in his loveee i am just always in awe of him. He rests by organizing and planning and finds peace in giving orders. Hes satisfied when he sees my execution of his orders the same as if he were doing it. He can have extremely high standards for me and I can improve myself to reach them!!! I would not be able to handle added responsibility either lol, i find peace in giving that responsibility away. He has never found peace in submission, sexually or otherwise, he finds peace seeing something perfectly within his control, and that's just a way we are different. We have always loved that we have such opposite feelings around control; for him control has always been about furthering his autonomy, and for me control has always been something i use to hurt myself. U dont have to agree that any of this would be similar to ilya, but in my view it really is. He is comforted by seeing something within his control. He both loves care taking, its a natural impulse for him, and is forced into caring for people who despise him. Caring for someone who thinks Ilya is Good is really healing for him. Having someone offer up control is healing for him!
Ok i think thats all i got! Literally i dont know how anyone will respond to this and I definitely got some stuff wrong or could have explained parts better. if theres any parts that are specifically interesting to u All of it is so fun to talk about for me.
