In total, it has maybe been since mid-January but the physicality of it all began on February 7th.

I’ve had some crazy thoughts during that/this time but I have garnered some clarity since, I don’t know, two weeks ago when I was home with my migraines. The physical pain & the mental strain I was putting myself through was quite the combo.

I started to feel scared of the medications I was taking at some point. I have a somewhat unconscious habit of avoiding medication in hopes of “learning something”. When I was younger, I used to think if I got cancer or some chronic illness, my eyes would open to some enlightenment I would have missed otherwise. This is probably what leads me to chasing the invisible dragon more often than I should. It’s a sink-hole, really. I get so deep into whatever pain I feel that I convince myself taking something to “fix” it means I’m incompetent.

Sometimes when the “bad” began to feel worse I imagined I felt the way drug addicts feel when they’ve run out of money. When they just have to sit around & wait for something to happen or for something to fall into their lap. And when that persisted for too long, I started to “wish” I was an actual drug addict or at least someone who knew how to get their hands on some. I wanted a way to induce a feeling into myself that I felt I was incapable of getting naturally–though I was incapable of most “feelings” so drugs are, realistically, quite the leap. I’d be an amateur taking steroids, zero to one hundred.

I also think I am a bit too dumb for drugs anyway. I don’t have the social skills to weasel my paws onto anything & I think I’d get antsy & overdose on naproxen or something.

It’s two faces of the same coin, all or nothing. I honestly just want to feel better. This will all go away when I feel at least okay.

People notice when their friends feel off. And I, quite selfishly, wonder if my friends ever talk about me. I don’t assume they do. It might be the only time I hope people are thinking of me—when they are sincerely and lovingly concerned for me. Though, I might not deserve it. Again, I could just be an attention seeker. I don't think people who deserve attention and care have to beg for it like this.

I'd rip my vocal cords out if I could, or lose a third of my body weight. I'd do both if I could. I would be the best version of myself.

I don't have anything to be upset about. I am not even upset over anything. Just an idiot, maybe. An idiot and an attention seeker. The two worst things to be. I think being self-aware might just make me all the more intolerable. I have the mind to recognise the person I am, yet I unconsciously persist.

I don't want to be myself. It's hard to do things when you don’t want to be around yourself. I wish I could exist outside of my own mind and body. It would be refreshing. I am not an accurate reflection of those around me. I am not a picture of those I love. I am fucking annoying and no one deserves to be in the same room as me.

I want to jump off of the Cliffs of Mother and I want to survive after. You don't have enough time or power to think of anything but jumping off a cliff when you’re doing it.

I couldn’t kill myself. I couldn't harm myself and above that, I am scared of failing and having to face people afterwards. True embarrassment. I am being hyperbolic but it’s easier. Being dramatic gets the point across. It’s hard to get confused by something so plainly stated.

I want to be trapped in a forest fire that I lit and have to fight my way out. I'd live. I really want to be alive.

“As I stood at the door, on a sudden I beheld a stream of fire issue from an old and beautiful oak which stood about twenty yards from our house; and so soon as the dazzling light vanished, the oak had disappeared, and nothing remained but a blasted stump. When we visited it the next morning, we found the tree shattered in a singular manner. It was not splintered by the shock, but entirely reduced to thin ribbons of wood. I never beheld anything so utterly destroyed.” (Shelley 20-21)

I think I subconsciously start taking a back seat sometimes. I feel a bit lonely & then I unintentionally begin to isolate & withdraw myself which leads to me feeling justified in my loneliness & fear when, really, I am the one who caused it to begin with. Maybe I am self aware enough to recognise that I create most issues by myself but I am never fully able to convince myself/believe it really is all mental–if you look for it, you’ll find it & I never really feel like I have to do much digging at all. I know I make things up but there has to be some support under it. I’m not sure what’s worse, being crazy or being right.

I am trying to think of the correct verbs to describe this.

Is it a blanket over me? Have I sunk & lied down ? Has something (passion maybe) been taken from me? Or has something (this something) been added in? This is cringe (see I am self aware)

I will tell you about my weekend so you can also see what might be signs of this something.

Whatever it is, I think it took its first course of action on Friday. I started to feel alone or hated or like I was trying too hard or playing a role. I felt Ásta was annoyed & that Edda could see right though me & can recognize “what” I am & knows she hates it or finds it a nuisance to look at. We pregamed in Ásta’s dorm & I didn’t like the way I looked & pronounced that I was happy even though I felt like a burden to those around me. I can never tell if being drunk makes me more of myself but well adjusted or more of how I think others want me to be–truly well adjusted.

This wasn’t just a drunk thought but I asked the others if I should message Sindri. I can’t tell if they find me juvenile about this sort of thing. I am not sure if they think I am “weird” about it or think I care too much. They all act as if it is cool & casual to ask about but I am not sure what they think of it or how they think I think of it. I will never be able to know. Who fucking cares–I can’t tell if I look like a maniac writing publicly like this. Anyway

They tell me I should & to make the message when I am my most sober. A very casual wyd tonight type of message. Bare bones, leaving nothing to the imagination. The way to do it in their opinion–which is correct because I don’t expect or know anything from or about him. He responds in two minutes, saying he is at a club party & I then take thirty & ask if it’s fun. My friends & I go to a band party & then to whatever party Soley was at, following her location. Ingrid & I saw Verndari & his friends & we run away.

We make it to what turned out to be the club meting. Sindri is there like he said he’d be. I don’t know who saw who first. I don’t know what he thought. We barely spoke. He ended up taking his blacked out friend back to Loftskeyta which I found out later. In the meantime I was distraught. I distracted myself for a while. Eva saw Kolli. He saw her makeout with two different dudes. I honestly hope it hurt him a little. We walked back to the band party & then began walking home. I was acting like a child & stomping around. I spoke with Ásta, who is sitting next to me as I write this, & got scared I was annoying her. She started running, I thought it was because of me. Sindri messaged me again asking what I was doing then. I told him I was almost at Katrín & he told me I should have stayed. I said maybe he should have left. Anyway, he says he is walking towards me & everything is fixed.

I start straightening my hair. I am scared he won’t show up & he does. We do whatever. I have no idea whether I am good at things or not. In the back of my mind, I am hoping that if I do a good enough job he will stay. He is always warm. The necklace he wears is pretty. We talk about music after. I drop my phone & ask if I should pick it up. He thinks we should stay lying down a little more, jokes about having a perfect mental clock. I don’t know why I am acting so antsy. Maybe I don’t want him to think I care so much about being next to him. Maybe I am just embarrassed about my music taste. We talk about nothing more, kiss again whatever. I am not sure if he falls asleep. I think I do. I wake up & he leaves around 3. I feel sort of embarrassed when he does. I would have stayed with him but I am also a girl. He is shocked to hear I had never ubered before & I don’t think he knows about Eva staying over that night also.

Ardis asked about it in the morning, asks if it ended up happening. I think it makes me feel better when she asks. Makes me feel like they are interested in me. Like they don’t want to ignore everything in relation to me.

They all started having dinner without me that night. I had to walk into it without anyone having asked me to. Ingrid’s friend was visiting. I felt a bit stupid but the world moves on.

I am “not myself” by this point–That probably is the worst way to explain it. We drink & laugh & I break my finger at the pregame. We go out night crawling. Everything is dead. We go to a band party & dance. We try someplace else but go back & I stand outside with Edda, Ardis & Ásta. I act like I am calm, like I am above myself–I can tell now that I was acting how I thought others wanted me to be. I ran into the mosh & Edda, Ardis & Ásta left. I kept bumping into this one guy. I don’t remember how we started talking. We started walking to a water station & he picked me up to show it to me in the distance. He is three years older than I am. I assumed he was smarter too. We run into Ingrid on the way back & walk off. It’s alright at this point. I like having someone next to me. We run & skip by two people who I always recognize that live at Katrín. I am sure this sobered me a little.

Things happen in my room on the top bunk. It is far less enjoyable than before & I start to feel bad about myself but it’s still alright. He wants to fuck me. I get scared but let him try–I don’t think I cared about myself enough to say anything. I have to remind him to wear a condom. He tries & we stop. Somewhere between the first & second or second & third time he tries, I mention how nice it is to just lie down & talk about nothing. I said I felt like I should feel embarrassed. He says no but maybe he should. I say it’s better to give up & that it’s not gonna work but when he asks me to repeat myself or say it again, I say it’s nothing. I don’t blame him for anything because of this. It’s not alright but I put myself in the situation. He gives up & gets himself off. Sometime before we stopped, I put the sweater he was wearing on & was actively looking for my underwear. I knew I hated it the whole time but I didn’t tell him. He rinsed off in my shower & I dressed in a new set of clothes from my dresser. I sat on the bottom bunk & watched with my eyes unfocused as he dressed. I was probably looking at him strangely & he asked me “what?”. I said it was nothing & he kissed me & left. I was so relieved it was over.

I considered leaving my room & going into the floor lounge to act as if I hadn’t been in my room. I was scared of how loud it had been.

To make this sound less bad I will say this–A nice break. Some men don’t seem to know how to have sex with a girl. With Sindri it was fine. It didn’t hurt & my body still knew it was alright even though it wasn’t all that “pleasure pleasurable”. I was still happy to be there. I liked it. It hurt the second time. Nothing was fooling me. I even said “ow” a few times. I assumed someone older than me would know but I am not sure it’s really an age thing. I don’t think it matters that I am eighteen. It only mattered that it was me & I didn’t say anything loud enough/clearly enough to mean anything.

I fell asleep sometime on the bottom bunk & woke up at six or seven. I was grossed out by myself immediately & was terrified that I was pregnant even though it doesn’t seem all to possible. Having to remind him to put a condom on, I have no idea what he was thinking & I am certain I don’t want to. I showered & washed all my sheets & towels & clothes. Every time I went in or out of my room I prayed no one saw. I was working in the study room downstairs by eight. I saw him walk by & glance through the glass walls. I hope he doesn’t feel all too bad about anything but I still hope I never see him again.

At breakfast, Ardis laughed about how I “found a man” in the five minutes I was at the party for. I hated talking about it & thinking about how she knew. I hated how Ingrid probably told her & thinking about what she thought (Neither of these things I could ever blame them for. There is legitimately nothing wrong about it). I think Ardis asked something about how it was & I said regrettable but fine. I laughed it off. Which is probably the reason why when I recounted what happened to Margarét & Eva, Margarét asked me who was better. I have no idea how it wasn’t obvious. Maybe I didn’t really explain myself.

I stayed in Eva’s bed while everyone did other things. I wanted to be around Ásta but was stills scared shew as annoyed by me. We considered going out that night but watched a horror movie instead. I sat by Ásta as they turned it on & passed out. I haven’t told Ásta anything about it. I don’t know if I should. She is my friend but it is not really her job to listen. She doesn’t gain anything from possibly feeling bad for me. Eldi knows but he knows everything. I never feel bad about anything around him. Quite a unique experience that is.

I have been alone for most of the day & when I am with the others I wonder if they think I am acting strange. There is no moral to this.

It kind of just ends here. I am going to go to the gym for the second time today with Ardis, Edda, Ásta, Ingrid & Eva & maybe eat dinner with them afterwards. But they all went & bought food together earlier so maybe I won’t.

I sort of feel justified lol. But I think I need to remember what is good in life. I tend to overthink the bad so much that I forget there is anything else happening.

“You do not have to be good.

You do not have to walk on your knees

for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.

You only have to let the soft animal of your body

love what it loves.

Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.

Meanwhile the world goes on.

Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain

are moving across the landscapes,

over the prairies and the deep trees,

the mountains and the rivers.

Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,

are heading home again.

Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,

the world offers itself to your imagination,

calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting –

over and over announcing your place