#mwa2015

Monday 6:15pm. Make my way to opening night drinks at the National Gallery of Victoria (NGV). A woman in the lobby hands me percussion sticks and points me towards the chimes hanging from the ceiling. I shrug, bang the instruments for a bit, become self-conscious about the noise I’m making, and shuffle off. Apparently I’m the first one to take up the offer… 

6:17pm. There’s nothing worse than walking into a conference reception on your own and not recognising anyone. Except maybe getting hit by a tram and dying - but that’s another story… Anyway, I scan the room, sigh, and grab the nearest drink before approaching a group of folks for some polite introductions and small talk. Note to self: You can always spot the Adelaide crowd. 

6:30pm. Mingle. Small talk. Drink wine. Decline food on sticks. Repeat. At some point I meet Titus, who’s helming this thing on behalf of Museums and the Web, and Tim from Museums Victoria, who I last saw in Hong Kong when I was still working for Qatar Museums and flush with oil money. 

6:45pm. Head outside to the garden area and daydream about smoking cigarettes again - it’s more fun than just randomly checking your phone every 30 seconds while the world drifts past.

7pm. The wait staff are busy topping up wine glasses, which means people are talking to each other. They should have a three drink minimum before they allow people to set foot inside these things. Three shots at the front door or you can’t come in. That should be the rule. 

Tuesday 8:45am. Am drinking a can of Red Bull on the way to the official opening because I am obviously some kind of caffeine monster with a death wish. 

9:05am. Grab myself a cup of watered down coffee at the conference reception before heading inside and grabbing a seat. Melbourne Lord Mayor Robert Doyle delivers the opening speech with the easy-going candour of a talk show host... or a monorail salesman. He takes several pot shots at Sydney, talks up the local coffee scene, receives his applause, and rushes out the door without so much as a look back. The guy’s a pro… 

9:45am. Keynote speaker Nik Honeysett from Balboa Park Online Collaborative is up. He starts by discussing magic... which immediately makes me think about John Higgs’ KLF book, in which he argues it’s possible for individuals to be guided by abstract magic forces that they might not even be aware of. This has nothing to do with Nik’s talk or museums, but it’s a very good book. 

10:30am. The ‘dietary requirements’ biscuits are hidden away in a corner so I eat one of those and drink another bad coffee. I do not have ‘dietary requirements’ but these look better than the ‘official biscuits’. 

11am. A number of talks are in progress, but I’m focusing on remembering my own upcoming lighting talk, so I have no idea what anyone actually said or did throughout most of the day. Sorry to the speakers, and Helen Stuckey from Flinders University I need to get in contact with you about retro games and that article I wrote about the education sector. 

2pm. I don’t like public speaking. My hands get clammy, my throat constricts, and my heart rate goes up. I once tried to get beta-blockers to nuke my public speaking fear but the doctor told me to ‘man up’. 

2:40pm. Relief. My talk seems to have gone well. I think the crowd appreciated my stories about Prada pop-up shops in the desert, hastily cancelled exhibitions, and Kanye cameos at launches. If nothing else they provided a contrast to the more instructional/useful talks from my colleagues. 

6:15pm. I have no idea what happened after my talk. My next memory is showing up at the David Bowie reception thing at ACMI. 

6:30pm. There is a lot of deep fried food at this reception and I am eating it all. I chat to people and try not to mention I’ve already seen the Bowie exhibit at the V&A in London (where the final room is much larger and more impressive).  

Wednesday 8:30am. I’m back at work. Nothing much happened the previous day, apparently. 

6:30pm. Catch a tram up to the Melbourne Museum for the final #MWA2015 function and the ‘Smart Bar’ event. Last time I was here it was on a weekend and filled with screaming children, so I never made it past the front door. 

7pm. There’s various talks and interactive displays and stuff, but all I care about is the table full of old retro junk. I actually had a Commodore 64 as a kid. And it’s always fun to look at laser discs and think, “Well that was a shit idea.” 

7:15pm. There’s a live snake here! He’s terrifying and cool at the same time. Also, he’s in a glass enclosure, and a python, so I don’t freak out. But I’m still deeply suspicious of snakes. 

8pm. I like to leave functions / parties / etc while things are still interesting, so I wait until no ones looking and do my Irish exit shtick. Also, three days of conference receptions is hard work. Big thanks to Museums and the Web for having me, and for all the people I met and had a chance to chat with. 

8:01pm. PS. I’m currently on the second draft of my book about living in Qatar. Anyone know a good publishers?