#must document

i noticed that a vein on my hand seemed much darker than usual. it was one of the thin ones, so for a moment i actually thought there was a scratch there or that i’d accidentally marked myself with a pen. but no. the longer i looked, the more obvious other veins became, too. it freaked me out because i have this thing about the cardiovascular system. blood is fine, in fact i find the sight of it fascinating, but i don’t want to know what it’s doing while it’s still inside the body. *shrugs* can’t really explain it.

naturally, the sight of all these bizarrely blue veins made me think it’d be super easy to make myself bleed right then. i still don’t understand where that comes from because unlike other people, i don’t want to punish myself or feel pain. (if i wanted to feel pain, i could simply press down on an area that’s already hurting. yay fibro.) it’s the blood. well, other people’s blood is kind of disgusting in the same way that you find other people’s snot more disgusting than your own, but ... i have literally experimented with methods to make myself bleed with as little pain as possible. i don’t know why.

all of this put together made me feel extremely anxious and i’m impressed that i somehow managed to force my eyes away from my hands and make coffee.