#mun collaboration

[Setting: Living room. Aleister sitting on the couch after a sleepless night and Sochi sitting over him in a straddle, knees into the couch, to hug him and give little kisses, keeping him close.]

Aleister: I wasn't making sense at all?

Sochi: You said what you felt...I'm actually proud at how you opened up. All of you just...said such hurtful things out of misunderstanding. They made sense...but misunderstood sense. That's why I said what I said, but the damage was already done.

Aleister: It's my fault...if I wouldn't have reacted, it would have blown over. You protected yourself...and my holding you that night should have been enough. I shouldn't have lashed out. It hurt that someone did that to you. I snapped. I apologized for that. You know me and why I did it...but they don't...and even when I tried to explain it and apologize I get more threats...not just at me but at us as a relationship.

Aleister: No, I didn't want to wait. I needed you in my life months before I even sent those messages. I was ready for my winter to be over...and you chased me...you chased me down and I did everything to resist. I did. Damn me for wanting to be happy and damn me for falling so hard...damn me for feelings some sort of fucking joy and wanting to take hold of it...

Aleister: I'm sorry that because of what I was...it makes us look cheap.

Sochi: God, Aleis, no. No...no, no, no. The fault is in ALL of us being very human. That's it. That's all. And, Aleis, you're very human. You aren't less than human because of how people perceive you or how they've used you, abused you. You aren't cheap. You aren't dirty. You aren't damned.

Sochi: I'm right here, Aleis. You can feel me. My heat. My curves. My hardness. My softness. My brokenness. Maybe not as badly, but I've been used and abused too. Am I cheap? Dirty? Damned? I think so sometimes. People have thought so. But you never would think that of me. Just like I don't think that of you. And I don't feel those things when I'm here in your arms. I feel whole and so happy. And in OUR relationship, what WE think and feel is all that matters.

Aleister: ...No, you were a victim. What I've done were my choices. I made them, and I don't apologize for them. I did what I could to survive because I refused to die in some god forsaken gutter. And for that, I'm marked. My only regret is that it affects you because you're with me.

Aleister: God, Sochi...I don't want that for you or ours. I just want to keep you...I only want to be with you. I never want anyone to convince you that I'm......or being with me is.....is.....

Aleis and I had a long conversation yesterday.  Partially text message, and then the rest on the phone before he got busy for the day.  He's thinking of taking on some students at Todd's music store up here since I'm connected with him because he's our pit master at the BIT and Susie's husband.  I was paranoid about it at first, thinking that he wanted to do it just because of me, buuut he really wants to.

I woke up to this text message yesterday morning:

[Text]: As a single man, being an escort is a novelty job.  You meet people, connect with people, and I gained some of the social skills that I lacked otherwise.  However, I'm selling my time that I should be spending on YOU to other people.  I'm not exactly proud of that.  The price is no longer high enough to make it worth my while.  It got me out of my situation and got me out of the sewer and in a Manhattan apartment (which is not easy).  Now, I am inspired to move forward with my life and with you.  I want to give this all my attention and switch gears to my other saving grace...my music.

I told him how much him saying that meant to me.  I've never been wanted that badly before, mattered that much to somebody.  I told him he had my unfailing support, devotion, and adoration in anything he decided to do.  He had it before...but it means a lot to me.  Not the escort thing...the fact that he's inspired again...that he's getting into his music again...that he wants to move forward for himself.  And that he's doing it because he wants to spend time with me, because he wants to be with me...no one has ever been willing to sacrifice anything for me before.  I told him that...

Then he sent this one after:

[Text]: ...Sochi...it means that much to you?  I want you, Sochi...so much that I bore my demons and allowed myself to open these frozen gates for you...I need you...because...you...you are my muse.  You inspire me to be more than I am.  Not just for you, but for myself.  I couldn't see myself as more than what I am before.  I'd hit a wall before I met you.  God...Sochi...I...

He didn't finish what he was saying, but I think I know what he was going to say, and he's not so good with very emotional things still.  I know I mess him up sometimes, buuut he does the same thing to me.  Saying those things, calling me his muse...telling me how much he wants me.  I've never really been wanted this badly by someone before.  It's a little scary.  It means so much to me though, makes my heart feel really really full.  And I trust him when he says it.  I feel, deeply feel, that he's sincere when he says it. 

Aleis has a surprisingly pure heart.  Actually, it's not surprising at all.  It's as pure as a cloudless bright blue sky where I can hang my sunshine and be wrapped in him.  It feels so good.

I even think...I even think that I could fall in love with him.  That scares me.  Love scares me.  I don't get it as a concept.  I'm the type of person who gives my everything to everyone...if I fell in love romantically with someone...would I have anything left?  But, for the first time, I think that I could face that fear. 

It's only been a month.  I'm not in love with him now, at least, I don't think I am.  I don't really know how to describe how I feel for him (it requires too much thinking!).  It's more than just like, and more than just devotion, but it isn't love...I'm not ready for that yet.  It's only been a month.  Things with Shawn were perfect for four months...I'm not ready to figure out something like love...but, with him, I think I could be someday.  Whatever it is though, it's stronger than anything I've felt for anyone before.  There have been a lot of times that I've just wanted to end a conversation with an "I love you" or something like that, buuut the English language overuses that word, and I don't want to say those words to him unless I know 100% that I mean them...even if saying them just kind of seems natural.  Besides, it's only been a month...my heart might say "go" but my mind says it's too soon, and I'm trying to think about this more because Aleis deserves that from me.

Buuuut...the way I feel about him, the way he makes me feel, it's the same feeling I get when I'm dancing all out...nothing in my life has ever rivaled the feeling I get when I'm on stage dancing, but now Aleis makes me feel those same kinds of feelings.

[Sochi]: You /will/ be spending Christmas with me regardless, Aleis.

[Aleis]: And I /will/, huh? That is the busiest season for escorts. Holiday parties and New Years parties, all that. Most don't want to go to those alone. However, I rather join you and your friends in celebrations like that. Especially New Year's Eve. I think you can figure out why.

[Sochi]: New Years kisses? Or Times Square? Because I've aaaaalways wanted to do that!

[Aleis]: Both?...I've always wanted to do that myself. That is something that we can experience together.

[Sochi]: You've never been to Times Square on New Years?! Oooo! Yes! We HAVE to then! Yaaaay! So we can spend Christmas at my place and then I can spend the rest of my break with you in NY!!!!! That makes me suuuper excited!

[Aleis]: Well, I have been there on New Years, but I was working. No kiss either. Which, now, I'm glad for that.

[Sochi]: I'm glad I can give you your first New Years at Times Square smooch then! Hee hee!

[Aleis]: Even if something happens between us and between now and then, I still want that New Year's to happen...is that alright? I really want it to be you...

[Sochi]: Oh, Aleis, of course. You don't even have to ask. Of course it will be me, regardless it will be me...but don't talk like that, okay? My heart, my feelings, they don't change easily, especially when they just keep growing and growing. I don't see how I feel changing.

[Sochi]: You're not having doubts about me, are you?

[Aleis]: No, not about you. I really wouldn't call it doubt. I suppose it's more along the lines of insurance. My rational brain thinks in those contingency plans. Just in case...

[Aleis]: For a moment there I was a bit embarrassed about my degree of geek.

[Sochi]: I am currently sitting in front of the television, working through a calculus book for fun...I don't think I have the right to call aaaaanyone a geek.

[Aleis]: I hope saying so doesn't offend, but you make a pretty little calculator. QUICK! 25683 X 2579753 = 46r. I'm joking. Don't actually solve that. For the love of god.

[Sochi]: r=1.44x10^9 in scientific notation but 1,440,000,000. That was head-math!

[Aleis]: ......I will love you during shopping trips.

[Sochi]: Well, technically that's really estimated to a significant digit because I didn't want to solve more than two decimal places. So it's not equal so much as an approximation.

[Aleis]: Look...you will love this!

[Aleis]: (Picture of a young woman with a sketch pad)

[Aleis]: This dear woman is blind, but her pictures are amazing! She told me to tell her about someone close to me. Guess who I am bending her ear about? I'll be playing one of your songs for her, too.

[Sochi]: Oooo! She's so beautiful! That's so amazing! How awesome! What's she drawing right now? Feel free to play her one! Too bad I couldn't be there to watch and sing to her myself! Tell her I say Hi and that she made my day!

[Aleis]: I did. She called you a gentle spirit :) I'll send you a picture when she is further along. She uses a lot of chalk pastels. Very nice. She is my W.A.K. project today. She charges $20 per, but I will be leaving her $120.

[Sochi]: That's very sweet of her! It takes one to know one! I'd love a picture of what she's drawing! Too bad I can't give you something from over here, buuuut NEXT time I'm in New York you should introduce me and I can ask her for a picture too so I can hang it on my wall! Pastel colors are my absolute favorite! And then I could sing to her in person!

[Aleis]: (Image of a dancer in dark brown. Masucline outline. On pointed toe, one leg up and back but with a feeling of spinning. Vibrant colors followed the spinning movement, some in front of the figure but most behind. Music notes blended into the color but one had to really look for it)

[Aleis]: I am on my way to frame it now. I will be sure to bring you by if she is still in central when you visit. This is the first time I've seen her.

[Sochi]: Oh....woooooooow! That is absolutely gorgeous! It's hard to see it super clearly on my phone...buuuuut is that a sixteenth note by the dancer's foot? Oh. My. God. That is just...wow! She's so talented! Oh! I hope she's still there the next time I can find my way there! Did you ask her what to draw? Or is that why she wanted to know someone you knew?

[Sochi]: .......is that ME?!

[Aleis]: I gave her the $20 and she started asking questions. I think her opening question was, "what's on your mind?" Then, "what is in your heart?" And she just picked things from there. I kept talking about you...sly woman.

[Sochi]: Aleis...you adorable, silly, wonderful, stunningly amazing man. Oh my god! I don't even know what to say!

[Aleis]: You don't have to say a thing. What are you doing now?

[Sochi]: I'm laying outside on my trampoline, listening to a CD Susie gave me today, looking at the stars, aaaand talking to one of my most favorite people in the world!

[Aleis]: Well, tell your most favorite person in the world that I said hello. This person better take care of you or they will get punched square in the nose.

[Sochi]: Hello :)

[Aleis]: Cute.