#mullthisover

I'm done all my exams! Now, all I have to do is wait. The results will take a week or two, so I was told. Regardless, man it feels good to be done with all my tests, not to mention I don't have to put up with the tutors anymore. I'm pretty sure I've mentioned this before, but they tend to talk behind my back calling me names and shit. So now that they are gone and out of my life, I couldn't be happier.

I wondered about this for a awhile, but only now that they are leaving I couldn't help notice this more. Why wouldn't Mom have gotten me at least one male tutor? Like, I totally would have studied harder if I was taught by a cute guy. Instead all I got was some old or bitchy women. If you can't picture them clearly, think of some catty girls from highschool who think they run shit, and then give them power to actually run shit. Thats what I've been dealing with for a year.  

Mom was even trying to get me to go to a summer program now that I finished. Talk about no chill, and no breaks. I guess I have my heart problems to thank for my vacation time. I'm certainly going to start to make some effort to change myself. It would be nice if I had some friends, but more often than not, that shit always gets messy and complicated. I really want to start learning to draw or maybe I really should look into having a future of some kind.

I'll be honest, my mind is stuck in this limbo. Part of me just thinks about my ineveitable death, and the other part just focuses on the predictable rescue. My Father already told me, my new heart is already arranged. *sigh*

Nothing beats immortality right?!

Don't get me wrong. I'm happy, that I know I won't die. It's just my brain and emtions about all this, are consistly fighting on the subject. The biggest thing is this idea that more and more of my actual self is being replaced. I keep thinking of my self like some kind of robot that keeps getting borken and her parts just simply get replaced.

In the end it all really comes down to a simple question. How far are you willing to go to survive? And, the follow up question to that is... If you just keep surviving, how much of the 'you' that survived is really you?