#mukankei

It's been ages since I posted a gay personal update.

I'm dating this awesome guy, but he is leaving to Chicago in August for a year. By the time he comes back, I will be back in Australia. We're at a good stage in our relationship and all, but time wise it's still early. 

We're at a stage where we're not really okay with choosing to break up, and we'd be okay with a long distance relationship, but I have to go to uni and he would have to come to my country. Which would be really really fucking big if it were to happen. We're not at a stage in which that kind of drastic stuff is okay yet.

So now I am facing uncertainty, and in a month and a half I will face either a horrible breakup with an amazing guy due to distance or the start of a long distance relationship. Which, for those keeping count, would be my second.

He can't decide to come to my country yet, but it's looking like we aren't going to cut contact when he leaves. Am I really going to keep myself emotionally attached to this man, suffering, just for the potential of him coming to my country in a year's time? Can I do that to myself without a solid confirmation?

This uncertainty over whether we will see each other again......... the uncertainty over whether we are going to return to being in a committed relationship or not.... it's exactly the same as what I put myself through with Ángel a year and a half ago. The feeling is so similar. In fact, the roles are reversed. This time it would be this man to travel to me, not like me traveling to Ángel. I'm pretty sure LDRs are like a character flaw of mine by now.

One one hand, at the moment I really can't believe that he will come to my country after his year in Chicago. It's too far away, we have been together for too short a time.... and if he comes, would we really work as a relationship? It puts a lot of pressure on. He would be starting out with nothing (like I did in Spain 6 months ago) and that's a terrifying prospect. 

I really started to hope that he would come, but today we both crashed back into reality. I spent a few hours crying about it because I am an #adolescent. 

１  my first ever relationship just ended

like I am 85% percent sure that everything is totally fine. Like it should be but like

where is reply

now I'm like 75% sure. this time tomorrow it will have breached 50%

what the fuck jared

Like I have 3 friends that I actually confide in, and in which I actually CAN confide in, but I express myself over text kinda well... The editing that I can do leaves me with a really pleasing result.

I used to me mukankei, and now I'm ganbattekure

I put up a link on my old URL so people won't think i've deleted it....

So why the name change? Well, things are changing, and I no longer feel mukankei. I'm certaintly not kankei, not yet (unlikely that I will ever be) but mukankei no longer feels completely right. I guess I'm feeling a lot of ganbattekure right now.