A Case of Coconuts and Breadcrumbs
Trigger Warning : Suicide
I keep seeing this, this… these children. There’s a boy with flowing long hair, and then there’s a girl dressed in dirty overalls. And the horse, oh dear God, how can I forget the horse, it’s everywhere and it’s unmistakably lesbian. I am completely clueless as to how I know that, I just know. And the nightmares, please, I’m stuck in a loop, it’s the same over and over again.
No more.
Today I shall use this rope and-
He looked up from his writing desk to make sure the implement in question was on his bed, where he had been tying it into a noose. The rope was, however, not there.
“Huh? Where did it go? I was working on it right there, right now and then I-”
He said, getting up, but a strong force on his shoulders pushed him back down into his seat.
“What’s happening?” The words had barely left his throat, when he suddenly felt a rough snake slithering across his neck. No this was no snake, it was the rope! Someone was pulling it from behind, strangling him.
The man started choking, gasping for air. His hands shot up, long thin fingers grabbing at the rope, trying to get it off. All in vain.
“No I did not finish-”
A few minutes of agonizing wails and struggle ensued.
Then, silence.
Save the tick-tock of a wall clock.
The pressure released and the rope, having served its purpose, was discarded onto the floor. The intruder made their way outside, pausing at the door to take one last look at the limp, lifeless body crumpled upon the chair.
“For Nayland. And for my fallen friends.”
——————————————————————————————————
“Well, well, well, what do we have here?”
A boy walked around, stepping over the body of the victim and taking care not to disturb anything of interest in the supposed crime scene.
“Uh, a dead body? I just briefed you on the way here, Princess.” The voice came from a girl across the room, who was also grooming a horse at the same time. “Horse told me, remember? And we came to investigate.” Princess and Stableboy, world famous crime solving duo, along with their lesbian horse had arrived moments ago, alerted to the incident by Horse’s keen lesbian senses.
The horse suddenly trotted forward to a writing desk, seemingly having caught something with her sharp eyes. She stood in front of the desk and neighed at Stableboy.
“Whatcha got there, girl?” Stableboy rummaged through all the odds and ends and finally found what Horse had been neighing on about.
“Tell. Your horse. To shut up!” bellowed Princess, running a hand through his long locks. “I can’t hear myself think!”
“Don’t think you’ll need to do much of that.” Stableboy turned around, holding up carefully folded sheets of notepaper. “Look what Horse found - a suicide note. Case closed, Princess, let’s head back now.” she said, yawning. The wall clock chimed seven. It was way too early in the day for this sort of mess.
“No, no, wait just a moment” Princess was on his knees on the floor, closely observing the body. “Ah hah! I see. Hmmm” and other such sounds that indicated processing of thought proceeded to be uttered. Stable boy rolled her eyes.
“Well?”
“Observe Stableboy. Does nothing strike you as particularly odd about this person?” Princess had finished his examination, and got up, dusting his hands off. Stableboy complied, scrunching up her face and observing as hard as she could. After three minutes she gave her verdict.
“That is one tacky shirt. I wouldn’t be caught dead wearing something like that.”
An exasperated sigh escaped from the other side. Princess pinched the bridge of his nose. Deductions weren’t exactly Stableboy’s forte, she was the muscle of the two. But now that she mentioned it, it was a strange looking shirt. All those patterns of eyes over it, covering every inch of the fabric.
“An interesting observation nonetheless, but not what I had in mind.” He pointed at the long thin neck of the victim. “Here, look at these strangulation marks. He either strangled himself or was strangled. Notice how they go horizontally across, and not in a V-shape, as one would expect if he had hung himself. Someone had sneaked up on the poor fellow and used a rope of some sort, strangling him from behind.”
“Besides, am I correct in presuming that the suicide note is unfinished?” Stableboy’s green eyes quickly flitted through the note. “By coconuts, you’re correct!”
“Then I believe we have ourselves a case of murder.”
——————————————————————————————————
“Wake up already, dammit!”
Princess groggily opened his eyes, only to find a very angry Stableboy glaring down at him. Oh, it was only a dream then, he thought to himself, shifting from the covers. He had been having these dreams for a while now, ever since he met Stableboy. It was always the two of them and Horse investigating a murder. Was it the same murder each time? Maybe, maybe not. He couldn’t exactly tell if he was stuck in a dream loop.
“A good morning to you too,” Princess greeted the girl. At his request, Stableboy had been sneaking into his chambers every day for the past month, to wake him up at the crack of dawn. He watched her as she drew back the curtains, letting in a little bit of the early morning sky.
“I hope you know I’m risking my life here for you, if your uncle ever found me in your room, he’d-” she shivered, choosing to leave that line of thought unfinished. Princess sympathized. His uncle was a formidable creature and not one to be trifled with.
“I appreciate it,” he replied, truly meaning it. “Well your appreciation can’t buy me dinner.” Stableboy had turned around and was facing him now, her arms straight across her dirty overalls. “Why do you even need to wake so early?”
“I cannot tell you about that, Stableboy. If it somehow got out, they would… he would kill me.” Princess whimpered, a most unsightly sound actually. That somehow struck a nerve in Stableboy. She had been doing this for a month now, without anyone finding out. And yet he couldn’t find her trustworthy?
“I don’t even get to know why? You’re outta your mind!” Stableboy lurched forward and with a coconut in her hand, which she had seemingly summoned out of thin air, bashed Princess’ head with it.
“Oww, that hurt! Why’d you do that? Jeez.” Princess was wincing and rubbing his head. “I’ll tell you, you crazy girl.” He motioned for her to sit on the bed beside him.
Princess shut his eyes and took a deep breath. “I have brain damage. The condition is called cephalodough.” “Cephalo what now?” Stableboy asked, worry and curiosity lining her features.
“It means my brain is slowly turning into bread. The court physicians have confirmed I have only 60% brain capacity left. The rest is all bread.”
As funny as that sounded, Stableboy immediately regretted the last few minutes. She was always like this, a hothead rushing into action. “I-I’m so sorry, I should not have done that. Damn. I’m so sorry Princess.” He just shook his head, long hair falling in front of his eyes.
A momentary pause.
She looked up, straight at him. “Are you going to die soon?”
Princess smiled, but it did not reach his eyes. “That would have been better than the predicament I am in now. Uncle wishes to marry me off to one of the neighboring kingdoms to secure an alliance. He desires to join forces so he can conquer the horse country.”
“Nayland? That’s where Horse is from!” Stableboy felt sorry for Princess, but she would be lying if she said it hadn’t been entertaining to listen to his sad tale. She gave a low whistle. “I did not know so much political intrigue was going on in these walls.”
“Oh you know nothing, maybe one day I’ll tell you how Uncle committed insurance fraud.” Princess said with a chuckle. Stableboy rolled her eyes, but she thought he was funny.
“Wait, how does all this explain you needing to wake up early?”
“You see, I’ve been trimming off a bit of my hair every day and weaving it into a rope, so I can escape this tower and claim my freedom.”
Princess suddenly got up, a hand over his heart and face defiant. “I shall not be married, Stableboy! I will live what little days I have left, free as a bird under the glorious pink skies!”
“Or you could have just asked me to get you a rope.”
“Oh. Yes. That would have worked too.”
Stableboy wanted to bash her own head with a coconut now.
——————————————————————————————————
Unbeknownst to them, someone else was watching the friendship blossom. Yes, you guessed correct. It was Horse, the lesbian horse.
She had her own agenda. An elite agent sent by her kingdom on a reconnaissance mission, her objective being to gather intelligence in preparation for the potential conflict that would be instigated by Ulric Nalbie Castiafore Le Erikksson, the 84th sovereign of the kingdom of Mumska, better known by his acronym - UNCLE.
Coincidentally, he was also Princess’ uncle.
Horse had been observing Princess and Stableboy for a while now. Something told her they would lead her to useful information. Maybe it was her keen lesbian senses.
——————————————————————————————————
“So why are you called ’Princess’, although you’re clearly a boy?” Stableboy had been wondering.
“I could ask you the same, you know,” He retorted with a cheeky grin.
“Oh, mine is just a job title, I don’t actually have a name.”
She got up from the bed to stretch her legs. “Besides, that's the least of my problems. Maybe I’ll think about it when my tummy’s fed and my home’s warm on a more regular basis.”
Uh oh. Economic disparity. Quick, he thought, make a joke.
“Oh well. Um. I’m Princess because that’s who I am.”
“What?”
“Wait, that made perfect sense in my head.” He smiled sheepishly at her.
“You mean your bread?” Stableboy was able to redeem the joke. Princess snorted. She giggled at the sound, and her green eyes seemed to shine in the early morning sunlight.
Horse let out a small chuckle herself. She had grown to like their banter. Ah, she would miss this. As she mused, her sharp eyes caught a shadowy movement near the walls of the room.
No it could not be!
“Watch out!” she neighed as loudly as a lesbian horse could and drew her gun. Horse wasted no time aiming and started shooting. “He’s here!”
The sudden sounds startled Princess and Stableboy. “Get down!” She screamed, pulling him by the shoulders down with her. Princess covered his head and shut his eyes tight. What’s happening? Was he still in a nightmare? A sharp yell of pain brought him back to reality. His head snapped up. “Are you alright, Stableboy?”
But what he saw drained all the color from his face. A humanoid shadow had materialized in the room and was slowly engulfing his friend. It was his uncle, no doubt.
Stableboy felt weak and numb. She was losing sense of feeling in each of her limbs as the shadow took over.
“What’s happening Princess?” She choked back tears. “I’m scared! Help me!”
But Princess could only watch in horror, his body frozen in place. The shadow moved quickly now and started its final transformation process. Her blood curdling screams filled his ears as the sound of bones being broken and rearranged echoed.
“Noooo!” Princess found his voice at last. “What have you done?” “She did not deserve this Uncle! I’m the one you want!”
Stable boy was no more.
Instead, what stood before him was the stuff of nightmares, an eldritch horror.
A black mass which no light could pierce. Long arms, with spindly fingers to match, reached out. The entity was covered in eyes all over. Green, shining eyes.
Just like hers.
This was undoubtedly, the ultimate form of his uncle. Uncle meant business.
The creature reached inside and took a wall clock from within.
“Tick-tock my boy, you have dallied far too long.” Uncle spoke with a thousand voices, each one fighting for dominance. Did they once belong to people like Stableboy? “Your bride is waiting.”
“No , no, nO! I cannot Uncle, I will not! You cannot do this to me!” Princess tried to hold his ground, but he could only feel that one primal emotion: fear.
He was terrified.
“Oh child, it looks like you will need to be disciplined.” In response, some of its limbs coiled and morphed into what appeared to be a rope. I’m going to be strangled, he thought.
Princess sank to the floor. Tired, devoid of all energy.
Blinding lights started to fill the room. Horse could no longer make out Princess in there.
Nothing but the unsettling form of UNCLE remained.
——————————————————————————————————
He woke up with a start.
He had been laying down on his bed, a rope in his hand. It had been tied into a noose. The man remembered. Today is the day, he thought to himself as he got up from the bed. He checked his clothes. Yes, he was wearing his favorite shirt, the one covered in eye patterns.
The wall clock chimed seven. His green eyes lit up. Perfect timing. He fixed the rope on the ceiling fan above and positioned the chair.
One last look at his writing desk. “I better make sure I put in everything that I wanted to say,” he mumbled to himself as he rummaged through the odds and ends littered on his desk.
A plate with a half-eaten piece of bread. Empty bottles of coconut milk. Pills of every color.
He finally found what he had been looking for - the suicide note.
“Ah hah! Got it!”
“Hmm yes, yes, good, oh that part was spicy hehe.”
Running a hand through his long hair, the man came to the end. Something was missing. Oh! His name! He had forgotten to sign his name. But what was his name? It had been a long time since anyone called him that. He could not seem to remember it anymore.
“I suppose I’ll just use what they called me. Heh. Poetic.” He signed the note with a flourish.
uncle.
Case closed?
