#msreflections

I was still feeling the burn from TVXQ's breakup when I came across One Direction, so I told myself I wasn't gonna get invested and give my heart to another group that'll just break it. Boybands don't last forever generally but you always keep hoping they would. So I told myself I was only gonna be a casual listener.

But it's been a week and I'm still kind of reeling. There's never going to be a reunion with all five of them. Liam's voice won't be starting most of 1D's songs ever again. I think I really loved them as a boyband more than I let on to myself. I followed them in secret and felt so happy with all their antics and loved their music as a guilty pleasure. I wish I could have just admitted I was a huge fan.

I think I'm always going to have that little regret of giving away the concert tickets I bought on a whim. I should've just gone and not felt ashamed for liking another boyband. Because here I am anyway *sad laugh* I should've just let myself have fun and say fuck it to whatever anyone thought.

When I loved them, everything felt giddier and brighter. It's reminding me of the times back then.

It kinda hurts. I put one of Harry's new songs on my playlist a couple months ago and found that I liked it. I keep thinking I should've seen that as a sign to check up on the members and see what they were up to. But I was still too proud. I had already moved on, I thought.

This is all happening with huge changes irl that I just needed to vent this out.

I still can't believe he's gone. I keep thinking there must be some sort of conspiracy and he's actually alive somewhere.

He was supposed to be in a new show. He was getting better. Despite the setbacks, there was still something for him. Even Zayn got dropped from his label before. I don't know if they were in contact at all, but I... I don't know, it's nothing I can wish for because nothing can be done now.

I wish I could have checked up on them sooner and maybe joined one of his lives and sent a message of encouragement. I listened to his songs too and the sound was very reminiscent of early 2000's pop. I could have told him I wanted to hear more of it. I don't know if it would've helped. But anything to cut through the negativity he received.

Quite an ordinary day today, and the clear blue sky that greeted me when I drew the curtains aside from the window after such a long time - well, it made me feel that this ordinariness was even more precious than usual.