#mowalsh!!

(title from 'strawberry wine' by noah kahan)

Samira’s woken by a flash of bright light as the bedroom door opens then shuts, rolls over to find the left side of the bed — Emery's side — empty with the blankets thrown aside.

She lies there for a moment, trying to pick out any sounds coming from the living room, but it’s dead silent save for the soft whooshing of the fan.

She gives it another beat, counting to 100 in her head before she finally sits up and gets out of bed. Emery’s insomnia was nothing new for the two of them, especially after a long shift where there were too many things swirling around in her brain, but it had been especially bad recently, more sleepless nights than restful ones. 

“Em?” she calls softly as she steps into the hallway, keeping her voice low to avoid waking Raya. She'd just begun sleeping on her own, and so the second she knew they were awake it would just be tears and whining until she was let into their bed with them. 

There’s no response, but she can barely make out footsteps in the living room. They get louder as she gets closer and then Emery's in view, pacing back and forth across the room. She’s seemingly unaware of Samira's presence, continuing back and forth as she fidgets with the edge of her t-shirt. 

“Emery, baby?”

Emery startles at Samira's voice, glancing up as surprise then guilt plays across her face. 

“Shit, did I wake you?” She looks even more panicked at just the thought of it, big brown eyes widening. “I just couldn’t sleep and -”

“You’re okay,” Samira soothes as she crosses the room to wrap her arms around Emery and pull her into a hug. It seems to do the trick, considering how Emery melts against her like it had been exactly what she’d needed. 

“It’s been hard sleeping lately, hasn’t it?”

Emery nods against her shoulder. “Yeah. I’m so fucking -” the word cuts off on a muffled sob. “I’m tired, Mira.”

“I know, my love. I know.”

Keeping her arms still tightly wrapped around Emery she guides them backwards to the couch, sitting down then adjusting so they're both lying horizontal. She lifts a hand and runs her fingers through Emery's hair, lightly scratching at her scalp in the way she knows helps Emery relax.

“You wanna talk about it?” she asks a few minutes later. “Or we can just stay like this, it’s up to you.”

Emery just nods into Samira's neck. “It’s - I -” she groans, a low, frustrated sound that vibrates through her body. “I don’t know.”

“And that’s okay,” Samira says gently. “You don’t have to. I’m right here, remember?”

“Mmm.”

They lie there in silence, Samira's hand continuing to run through Emery's hair and lingering at the ends, twisting them around her fingers idly. Finally, Emery shifts in Samira’s arms and lifts her head.

“It’s just - it’s been really loud in my head,” she says slowly, hesitation evident on her face. “It’s stupid, I know, but it’s so constant and loud and I -” she shakes her head, tears starting to slide down her face now. “I just want it to stop.”

Samira’s heart breaks at the sight of her wife crying; it was so rare for Emery to fall apart like this, to admit helplessness instead of trying to silently problem-solve. It all makes her want to cry, too, but this wasn’t about her right now. Her wife needed to lean on her, and that was what she would be – a pillar of strength. 

“Yeah,” she murmurs, sliding a hand along Emery's spine, up and down the way she does with Raya when she’s upset. “I know, baby. I wish I could fix it. Tell me what you need and I’ll do it, anything.”

She knows how desperate she sounds, but that’s what she is right now. She’s desperate to take away Emery's pain, desperate to make everything better. She’s always hated seeing people feel strong emotions, but it’s different with Emery and Raya, more personal. 

Emery looks like she’s seriously considering it for a second, then her face softens and she dips down to press her lips to Samira's, not an actual kiss but more just seeking the closeness of it. 

“You’re doing enough,” she murmurs, the words barely leaving her mouth with how close they are. "You're here. That’s all I need, sweetheart. Just stay.”

pitt yuri week day 1: busy night

(title from 'no one dies from love' by tove lo)

“Please,” Samira begs as Raya just keeps wailing, feeling on the edge of tears herself. “Please, sweetheart, don’t cry. Mama’s right here.”

But Raya just sobs harder, snot and tears dripping down her face even as Samira tries bouncing her in the way that usually helps soothe her. She feels helpless and tired and like she might just smash something to bits if she has to hear incessant crying for even a minute longer, a feeling that scares her more than anything ever has. 

It’s not like she’s never seen an ear infection before, but not being able to help her daughter hurts too much to bear. She’d been home alone with Raya ever since she’d been awoken at 7AM by the sound of Raya whining for her from her crib, and it had barely stopped all day. For nearly twelve hours, she’d done nothing but pace their apartment and dose out children's Tylenol and attempt to get work done while Raya slept, but the peace only ever lasted fifteen minutes at a time before Raya woke up in pain again and wanted to be held. 

Emery will be home soon, she reminds herself, trying to suck in deep breaths and squash the panic rising to the surface. So soon.

As she’s still pacing and bouncing Raya in her arms ten minutes later, a lock clicks and the front door opens to reveal Emery, still in her scrubs and tight bun. She’s barely stepped inside and shut the door behind her when Raya’s shoved into her arms, still wailing and trying to grab at her.

“I can’t,” Samira chokes out as she beelines for the bathroom, leaving Emery standing there utterly confused as to what she’s just walked into. 

But her problem-solving instinct kicks in and then she’s moving, shifting Raya in her arms and heading for the kitchen to check the whiteboard on the fridge to see when her last dose had been – they’d adopted the habit just a few months ago, realizing it would be easier in the event they couldn't reach each other — and gets the next dose into Raya with minimal success, the feat made no easier with how Raya’s clutching at her scrubs and whimpering into her shoulder, rendering her practically single-armed against a stubborn toddler. 

“I know, darling,” she murmurs, trying to get a look at Raya’s face as they head down the hall to start bedtime. “Ear infections suck, don’t they?”

Raya just sniffles and curls closer into her, and Emery's heart melts. Oh, how she wishes she could just wave a magic wand and make everything better, but she can't and she hates it. She’s got a sick toddler and an upset wife and she can’t even split herself in half to avoid having to choose. So as much as she wants to run to her wife, she knows Samira would want her to put Raya first, and so she does.

Ten minutes later, Raya’s half-asleep in her crib and Emery’s tip-toeing out of the room, gently shutting the door behind her. She can only assume Samira’s still in the bathroom, so she heads towards it, knocking once on the door before slowly pushing it open. 

“Mira?”

She finds Samira sitting in the tub, legs pulled up to her chest and face buried against them as she shakes with sobs. They don’t slow even when Emery walks in, instead leaving her body in choked noises as her shoulders shake harder.

“Oh, honey,” Emery murmurs as she kneels next to the tub, slowly lifting a hand to place it on Samira’s back. “I’m here. Breathe.”

Samira finally lifts her head, teary eyed and looking so worn-out that it physically hurts Emery to see her wife like that. “I can’t,” she chokes out. “I can’t, I’m sorry, this was a bad idea -”

“Hey,” Emery says firmly, cupping Samira's face with both hands. “Listen to me. Just breathe, okay. That’s it. In and out, Mira.”

She watches Samira’s shoulders slowly stop shaking, waits until her breathing is more controlled and less wheezing to speak again. “Better?”

Samira nods, still looking so tiny and vulnerable curled up in the tub that it makes Emery's heart squeeze with protectiveness. She has no idea what’s happened but regardless, she just wants to fix everything and take Samira’s pain away. She wants to see her wife smile again, hates seeing her upset and drawn-in like this. 

“Okay,” Emery says, standing up and holding a hand out to Samira. “How about we get you out of the tub and into bed?”

Samira silently takes the offered hand and stands up, reaching out for Emery's other hand when she wobbles slightly. Emery keeps a hand tightly wrapped around Samira’s the whole way to the bedroom, even as they climb into bed and under the covers. 

By force of habit, Samira’s head tips over onto Emery's shoulder, curling into the arm that reflexively wraps around her. 

“You wanna talk about it?”

Samira nods, but she’s silent for a moment as she turns onto her side to toss a leg over Emery's and cuddle closer. “She wouldn’t stop crying, Em.” Her voice cracks on the last word. “I barely slept last night and I’m so behind on work and I feel like a shitty parent because I just wanted more than fifteen minutes of silence but she wouldn’t stop and I -” a fresh sob tears out of her, and Emery can feel her heart breaking all over again. “I’m tired and I hate that I can’t do anything to make her feel better.”

“Honey,” Emery can only murmur as she presses her lips to the top of Samira's head as she thinks, trying to put everything she’s feeling at the pain in Samira's voice into words. “Oh, sweet girl, I’m sorry I wasn’t here. It sounds like you’ve had an awful day.”

“Yeah,” Samira sniffles. “It’s not your fault, Em, I’m just - I don’t know, mad that I couldn't handle this.”

“I know,” Emery says, because that’s all she can manage through the tears threatening to spill out. “And I know you already know this, but I’m always a phone call away, yeah? Nothing’s more important than you two.”

“Yeah,” Samira whispers. “I know I should’ve called today but I was scared and tired and I wasn’t thinking and -”

“It’s okay,” Emery soothes, turning onto her side and wrapping her other arm around Samira. “It’s all going to be okay. I got you, always.”

Samira lifts her head to kiss Emery’s cheek. “I love you. So much.”