#movingbackhome

im coming to a fuller appreciation / realization that is is possible for my parent to genuinely love and care for me so much and have my best (at least most well-intended! ) interests at heart and also apparently see me as a helpless child incapable of making her own choices, and unable to handle full autonomy :S 

I need to get out of here asap facckkkkkkkk

also there are some fundamental clashes in lifestyle

ie i think that flexibility in sleep schedule, and knowing that i am able to (quietly!) have the light in my room on, and maybe even have a shower when it is after dark, like after midnight

not like i do this all the time, but sometimes that’s just what happens, and if I forced myself to stay in bed with the light out i’d just go a tiny bit crazy

but my mom, with her (genuine and I honestly appreciate that it is a real, extremely painful, debilitating, anxious chronic struggle, not denying that at all - just realizing that it makes for a very very volatile combination when we sleep on the same floor and generally share a living space) angsty sleeping, will completely lose her shit on me if this (my late nights ) happens do disturb her sleeping on a bad night

like be outside waiting in the dark outside the bathroom door when i open it to leave and go to bed  and proceed to go on the most epically intense  are-you-trying-to-kill-me, how-are-you-so-inconsiderate, i-try so hard to make compromises for you and why do you do this in return- impassioned diatribe

faccckkkkkk

this happened regularly during the last grey spell and im appreciating now more fully how it probably reaallly didnt do much for bringing me out of my dysthymic turtle shell

between that and my dad's occasional tantrums angrily bemoaning my being a fucking "princess" (because i like to sleep in, esp when depressed, and also am not helpful around the home as much as i ought to be, and also just have nothing to say when he and my mom try reaallllly hard (in good faith! they are really worried that someday theyll be gone and ill still be fucked financially and so obvs without them to support me ill wind up on the streets!)