do you have any stims? (like hand flapping, swaying, humming, etc)
What a lovely question. I have a few, little shadow, and I thank you for your welcoming gaze.
As you can imagine, I have been trained to tone down my external expressions of my inner feelings, especially ones that can feel strong. It's taken me some time to become comfortable with what is called stimming, and I didn't always know the word for it. I believed it was something I had to subdue, and that I just had stronger emotions than my peers. Truth be told, I do have strong emotions. And that's okay. Nobody should have to mask their true emotions, especially if it helps them process things.
At first, I didn't know that stims could be done out of joy. I'd often make myself clench my hands in distress whenever a particular sound or output stressed me before Lain caught on and told me that that could lead to more stress. He helped me learn that I can just walk away from whatever is bothering me instead of bracing myself through it. On the brighter side of things, before meeting Ethari, I still had things that have made me happy: Lachir, moonberry surprise, and rising through the ranks of assassin hood. But as I previously mentioned, I'd mask my true joy and subdue it to something smaller and more accepting. I beg of you to not follow my previous actions.
Nowadays I am more accepting of joyful things that make me stim. Lachir and moonberry surprise still do it for me, and I think Lachir can tell how happy she makes me, and she appears very proud because of it. Of course, Ethari makes me do all the stims as well. His beautiful music can make me hum softly along with it, and he always looks very accomplished when this happens. He has even been able to make a song purely based off which notes made me hum the heartiest, and it is a beautiful song indeed.
There's more than one reason why I wear gloves. Wielding a bow almost certainly requires one to wear gloves for stability and to keep one's hands free of scuffs and tears. However, I have become more comfortable navigating the world wearing my gloves because more often than not, different surfaces can begin to feel like too much, and I'd prefer to avoid them. Apart from this, I almost always have them off at home. The treehouse is safe and familiar, and I can trust it and the elves inside of it. Not only do I trust it to make me feel stable, but it can also create positive sensations. Tangling my hands in my own hair or Ethari's feels heavenly, and I could sit for hours doing so and feel perfectly content.
Dancing feels wonderful to my senses. Moving in such a fluid way with Ethari as my partner feels like utter bliss, and I enjoy every moment. The way he spins me gives me shivers and makes me feel like I'm among the stars, and I have to make sure to hold tight to him because of how engrossed I become. Sometimes he'll spin me and keep spinning until I give him the hand signal that I've had enough, and I'll nestle into the crook of his neck very appreciatively. I have the best husband.
Sometimes at night when he acts as my weighted blanket and drapes his weight across me, I can't help but let soft hums escape me, as I feel so delightfully comfortable and safe. The constant pressure feels utterly soothing, and paired with his soft voice in my ear, I quickly relax completely. On days when I'm out with Lachir, training or feeding her, sometimes she'll finally understand a tricky maneuver or do something extra endearing and I can't help but bounce on my toes in delight. She feels like a manifestation of all my hard work and my heart. It fills my soul.
Little shadow, I have many stims. I'm hardly ever comfortable displaying them in front of people who aren't my family, and I may never be. But what matters is my acceptance of the fact that I have them and that I've let a few select people see that side of me--open, emotional, and willing to take up space. I implore you to show who you truly are and what you truly feel in ways you feel comfortable, too.
