#months 8

I used to take walks And be full of energy I used to feel safe That my body wouldn’t betray me

And now it’s like I’ve aged Decades since winter

Bend for me And I’ll bend over backwards for you My grip is one big release A single thing too much to hold onto

I’m scared of losing my strength to strum And my jaw will swell too much to scream

I want to swing my arms and clench my fists while I’m still capable I wanna do all I that can to fight this bodily betrayal

I wanna step outside - and fall Into tall grass, in the morning and feel no pain.

Not enough oxygen to my brain I can’t focus on anything I need help

I need help

Too much to think about Wracking my brain And wrecking my brain Obsessing Wondering if every option means failing

It all starts and end the same Self-sabotaging It’s a cyclical thing

I don’t want my last drop of blood to dry out Nothing to pump to my brain Nothing to keep me going

No eyes to see this coming No foresight to test the trail I’m running

It all starts and end the same Self-sabotaging It’s a cyclical thing

Every road keeps cracking Every cut reopening It’s a cyclical thing

I’m losing it Can’t help it

But it’ll take a lot to kill me

Wracking my brain And wrecking my brain Obsessing

I can't keep my head up high enough The dirt's to my nose and you can't hear me And I can't hear you over heavy heart beating Wishing more than anything to get through If there's even an other side

It's just one thing after the next thing I'm mending as quickly as I can I need to find some kind of distraction So I don't keep clenching all my joints into oblivion

Staple a note that reads "What's wrong with me?" to my forehead It's all I'm ever asking. Just point to where the problem is I'll believe you in an instant. I've got no confidence that I'm functioning.

It's just one thing after the next thing I'm mending as quickly as I can I need to find some kind of distraction So I don't keep clenching all my joints into oblivion

I'm sick. But not the way I think I am.

In a diner, too loud to hear I found my footing Talking my way through problems in what was clearly an act of fantasy In the best way, I think I lost me

I was taking flight, chaotic Like a demon, all the horns Without the wings In a realm of fantasy I was doing the exact same thing

Speak up, I can’t hear you Over the sounds of monsters screaming

We started somewhere else But found our footing there

Down Fulton On the west end Make new friends Spent weekends Adventuring To the bitter end

The cracking of my jaw The pain behind my eyelids A tube down my esophagus For what was only in my head

Check on my insides The pain within my abdomen Give me useless medicine For what was only in my head

Every single illness will last forever The ringing in my ears won’t cease The eternal cold, the chronic sleep It’s always coming for me

I know my fate was overblown But the noises are still real I’ll take the steps I need to breathe And make the shrieking leave

All these costly visits Thinking everything is urgent Convince me I’m not shriveling What’s wrong is I can’t tell it to myself

Every single illness will last forever The ringing in my ears won’t cease I’ve lived too long to be so inept at Seeing what clearly won’t kill me

I’m sorry silence Took you for granted I’m sorry silence I’ll do anything I’m sorry silence Took you for granted I’m sorry silence Don’t leave, don’t leave I’m sorry, silence.

...

I hear noise I hear noise (fade) I hear it I hear it (fade) (fade away) (slowly fade) (the noise fades)

Springing up for the spring I hurt my back I’d forgotten about the sun I lacked Existence seems to have a new sheen So I won’t hide my voice from everything

I have new energy To take steps to be someone I won’t regret being

I can’t exist in a vacuum I’ve grown afraid of my impact That I might make a noise loud enough For someone else’s ears to ring

I saw something turn its head at me 360 degrees

I’ve been trying to be a person whose existence I can justify But I’m coming up short

Leaving better than I found me Turn my head around to see Make sure there’s no dirt tracked behind me

I want to share in this existence Without taking more than I’ve given