#monologue post

Well, it's a good thing no one is awake right now. I just...I need to get something off my chest, I guess, and...I can't tell this to Inoue, or to Kurosaki, or especially to Grimmjow. Not after.....no. I can't.

I...I know I've seemed that I've been taking this extremely well, adjusted to being human again without too much issue, made peace with whatever demons have haunted me, but...

I haven't. Not in the slightest.

I...I suppose while I was alive, I perfected the art of smiling and nodding and acting like I was perfectly happy when I was hurting inside, and that skill hasn't failed me yet.

I...I haven't been to see Isshin since I got back. I haven't once spoken to Urahara or Miss Yoruichi. I...I haven't visited Masaki. I can't bring myself to. I can't bear to look into their eyes and - even if it's only my imagination - and see disappointment and blame.

I was supposed to be a Soul Reaper. I was supposed to go to Urahara, and I was supposed to go to Soul Society and become a Soul Reaper. I was supposed to find Isshin's brother Kaien again. I was supposed to meet his student. I was supposed to come back and see Isshin and Masaki, I was supposed to meet their son again. I was supposed to train their son, be his mentor.

I- I was not supposed to sacrifice myself to a Hollow for a stupid reason. I was not supposed to become a Vasto Lorde, an arrancar, an Espada. I was not supposed to help an attempt to destroy Karakura, my home. I was not supposed to attack my former employer and mentor, I was not supposed to attack the son of two of my best friends. I was not supposed to kidnap an innocent girl, psychologically torture her, and- and- I was not supposed to very nearly murder my best friends' son twice.

I just...I don't know how I can face them. I can barely stand to face Kur- Ichigo, now that the image of a months-old orange haired boy is burned into my head.

I've ruined everything for myself. I was special, they all told me that. I was special, and I went and threw it all away and turned into a monster. How special am I now?

Seeing Grimmjow break down was...was terrible for me, because here I am barely holding it together, and if Grimmjow can't...and then he was gone, and he came back, and he was fine. He was alright, and he had made his peace.

But I can't. How can I when I...I can't face the ones I need to make peace with? How can I when I can't bear the disappointment I know they'll place on me? I was going to make them proud, and all I did was hurt them. I was going to be a hero and protect ghosts from Hollows, and instead I became a Hollow. I...the guilt is overwhelming.