In the time I have spent searching for my truth,
I could have written my poetry into magazines--
into books, into newspapers--
I have a drawer in my bedroom
full of blank applications.
Last night I filled out every single
one.
Some, three years past due date;
the winners already crowned.
I could have written my poetry into
my mother’s brain
so she could finally hear me.
We speak different languages,
but I remember her looking past her iPad
on the night I read in front of a
crowd.
She heard me.
I watched her nod in consecrated
understanding.
Finally.
In the time I have spent searching for my truth,
I could have never learned stage
fright.
Nobody tells you it’s like a
disease;
that your body will go rigid.
Butterflies are the ballet world’s
cruelest understatement.
Too busy looking in the mirror,
trying to get it right.
I didn’t notice them setting up
shop in my stomach.
I could have let my body dance
the way it knew how to dance.
One night, my movements went on
autopilot.
It wasn’t until I had curtsied that
I looked up
to see 2000 faces;
4000 hands.
Clapping for the moment
I let myself go.
In the time I’ll spend searching for my truth,
I will no longer apologize
for asking questions.
There will never be a safe bet on
the roster.
I will discover the cure for stage
fright.
I will call my mother, and we will
teach
one another our languages.
I will feed the butterflies,
daily,
with poetry and questions.
They will not make me go rigid.
They will help me fly faster.
In the time I have spent searching
for my truth
I have learned the right way
to be brave.