#mods mumbles

So about 2 hours ago I had the worst panic attack I’ve ever had in about a year. I mean, I have panic attacks often but not as bad as this one. Like the last time it was this bad was when I found out my step-mom was killed by a drunk driver. I was so fucking scared and I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t call anyone because they were at strike for a play and Alex is in Ohio. I was trying to get my friends attention by banging on their wall. Like I couldn’t fucking move, god I was shaking so hard. And now I’m just really sad because I really want to talk to someone in person but when it gets to it I play it down and I just want to be able to say what I feel and *dead*. I was alone for about 45 minutes until my  hall neighbour (friend) came and they were like OH SHIT. I just didn’t want to be alone and I was so scared I thought I was going to have to go to the hospital because I just couldn’t calm down. I don’t know what happened. It came on so sudden. I was writing a paper and this knot just hit my stomach and I closed my door and the minute the door shut I lost it. I just started crying and I didn’t know what to do. I felt so fucking helpless and lost in that moment. God I feel like shit and I’m tired and have a paper and three tests due tomorrow... my head hurts, my stomach hates me because I finally ate something. I don’t know what’s wrong. Something has just been wrong for the past 5 days and I don’t know what. And I’m just tired of life. Before anyone found me in my room I was asking God to keep me safe, I was so worried I’d slip. I was so scared I was gonna hurt myself. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t talk, I just blanked. And now I don’t know what to do. I just want to sleep forever. I didn’t have a particularly bad weekend - it was mainly good - I just, things are weird... And I want to talk to someone I just don’t know who.

**It’s times like these when I just want to talk to God directly....