#modern gladiator

They (people, mostly therapists), say that the journaling can help with your feelings. Putting things down on paper can provide perspective.

Sometimes I just don’t have anything to say. Why must I have something to say?

We don’t alway want to be ‘in our feelings’. At times it just feels good to not have any. A blank mind in these circumstances, isn’t necessarily an idle mind. It’s a mind that needs a break. A mind that doesn’t wish to think about anything that has happened or is currently happening, because all we’ve done is think and think and think about doctor’s visits, upcoming tests, test results, why hasn’t the doctor called yet?, why have they called so soon?, why am I feeling like shit?, why can’t I remember what I ate for breakfast?, what was I supposed to be doing right now? The list goes on and on.

A simple ‘I’m ok’ can suffice and please accept that as enough.

— The Aftermath

There isn’t much more I can say. Something happened today that I thought would end my day differently.

My day ended with me in tears on the floor of my kitchen.

That’s not to say I didn’t have a ‘good’ day. I had a good meeting at work, things got resolved. But I was not ok after the fact.

I’m very good at putting on a brave face. After all, it seems like that is what we are trained to do. Putting on a brave face.

I’m not always standing. A lot of the times I am on the floor of my kitchen.

The event that occurred was a good one. Genuine, I am not sure, and that is what leaves me puzzled because I should be feeling better.

But here’s the thing, it’s not up to others to make you feel better. No matter what. That’s on you.

So when things don’t go as planned, who’s responsibility is it?

- The Aftermath