#mmillk

i always make these private, i always write it all over the place but i don't want to be scattered for once, i want to try and see how this goes. this needs to be public. 

i think, i need to do so much work on myself and i think i knew that already but i never understood it was a lot of work until now. i always assumed the way i was, the way i react, the way i listen.. i always assumed they were good enough because i never really had any issues until i became a young adult, and now i am almost 23 years old. i come from a life of intense, very sporadic amounts of trauma in so many different forms i think i struggle realizing to this day. i think, that this all of this just makes me feel so overwhelmed. i didn’t ask to be this way you know? how can someone, or really anyone.. just casually accept that not only are they truly a product of their environment that they could not control but now they have to clean up the mess as if they started it. i want to clean up this mess, but sometimes i don't know how guys. sometimes i don’t feel good enough anymore at all guys.

i started crying but i need to stay clear. for me. but yeah, i don’t think anyone like even my boyfriend i don’t know why he still loves me for these things. i’m so used to people getting tired of me and finally being done, even my own family. i want to change and i will change but i can’t stop crying because i hate that i am even in a position like this i feel like i look like such a fool. i want to not be traumatized anymore i want stability i want clarity within my emotions i want to listen entirely and not only listen to portions of peoples words. 

i want to be better for everyone around me but the more i keep trying the more i feel like im devaluing who i think i am and im going in a loop of insecurity. i feel very lost and all i can do to feel slightly grounded about this is to tell myself this: (it works sometimes but right now my emotions don’t care to even pay attention so thats why im typing it out)

YOU ARE STILL JUST AS IMPORTANT AS YOU ALWAYS WERE!

Even though your trauma has made you hard to handle compared to the average person, PEOPLE STILL ENJOY YOUR COMPANY! 

you ARE worth it & you ALWAYS HAVE BEEN. 

EVERYONE CAN SEE THAT YOU MIGHT STRUGGLE IN SOME DEPARTMENTS IN LIFE BUT THEY CAN SEE THAT ABOVE ALL OF THAT YOU ARE TRULY A DELIGHTFUL PERSON. YOU ARE INTERESTING. YOU ARE WORTH TALKING TO, AND THESE PEOPLE DON’T WANT TO LEAVE BECAUSE THEY WILL NEVER FORGET THE WAY YOU MAKE THEM FEEL. 

IT IS POSSIBLE FOR YOU TO HURT SOMEONE AND FOR THEM TO FORGIVE YOU

IT IS POSSIBLE FOR YOU TO HURT SOMEONE AND FOR THEM TO IMMEDIATELY NOT CARE AS MUCH AS YOU DO

ITS NORMAL FOR YOU TO HURT PEOPLE

ITS NORMAL TO DO BAD THINGS SOMETIMES

EVEN IF YOU HAVE GOOD INTENTIONS AND YOU WANT CREDIT FOR IT BC U FEEL SO DROWNED INTO THE WRONGDOING

PEOPLE CANNOT THEY CANNOT ALWAYS SATISFY YOUR EMOTIONAL NEEDS BC THEYRE SO SPECIFIC AND THATS WHAT NEEDS TO CHANGE

YOURE ALWAYS SPECIAL YOU WILL FOREVER BE SPECIAL AND PLEASE DONT FORGET

I KNOW THAT YOU WANT TO GO TO THERAPY OR SMOKE IMMEDIATELY BUT YOURE DOING THE RIGHT THING

YOURE DOING THE RIGHT THING

FORGIVE YOURSELF