#mmafighting

To the person who expressed their favorite color as “seasonal”. Darling...I couldn’t agree with you more. 

I cannot be defined by a single color, because in every instant I feel a specific color. As of the start of 2021, I can tell you that I have felt 1 color in particular. But, I want to reflect first, shall we?

Last year, my world was full of Sunshine. That is my nickname, after all. A bright, boisterous burst of Yellow and Orange in the dirtiest forms. Different hues painted my closet in an array of yellow shades. The occasional day to feel army green, as if I needed to be free and let go with the wind. I wanted to convince the world and myself that, with my color palette, I was happy.

This year, I’m not trying to convince anyone of anything.

This year, I feel dark. I feel passionate, fiery, bold, confident, fearless, sexy even. This year, I really feel Red.

Call it lame, an exaggeration even. I simply choose not to care anymore. I want to soak in a tub of red rose petals while LED Lights fade in and out of color to the RnB music I’m listening to. I want to lavish myself in the passion and love I deserve. I want to touch my body and feel whole in my own arms. That feeling you get at the edge of a first kiss, lips warm and closing in on the pressures of need, or the first hit of a blunt when you get home with your boyfriend after a long day, his hands on your thighs and lighters hanging from your belt loops. I want to devour my fears and simply do what I want.

A shift in nature, a moment in time, a memory to create. 

This month, I have been noticing goals and achievements I will accomplish because they are truly things I want for myself. This month, my physical health has been the focus, but what happens at the end of the month? Do I stop, do I maintain, or do I progress? Well, fuck stopping.

I wish to use a technique similar to “Atomic Living” explained by Madame Ghandi. This technique is the idea that you say yes to everything that will nourish your top priorities, if it does not nourish and enrich your priorities then you simply say “no”. This months Priority has to do with my physical health, what works, what doesn’t work, what I enjoy and habits I should or should not break. 

I’ve already accomplished a lot in this regard, and have learned that MMA Fighting, Boxing & Yoga are my physical outlets that keep me motivated/provide an outlet to my daily emotions. So, at the end of this month once I’ve evaluated my progress and saved money, I’m choosing to say “yes” to a brand new punching bag, workout clothes (mine are getting big on me), and a few other things that will encourage me to keep up with these activities that work for me.

In the following 11 Months, I anticipate on giving myself this same attention and energy in different parts of my life. I want to spend this year focusing on the things I want in my life, and the things that will bring me peace and happiness. A few things I would like to shift as monthly focusses goes as follows:

1. Studying and Learning About My Culture and Other Cultures Across the World. I want to read books that will give me knowledge on the History of humanity, the cultures and religions, the people and their ideas. Humans are so wonderfully interesting, and if I plan on traveling in the future then I need to be able to understand where I’m going. Fuck tourism.

2. Studying Motorcycles and Vehicles. I want to be self sufficient and eventually own my own motorcycle one day. If I want to do this, then I need to do research into motorcycles and my own car, that way I can fix it by myself without anyone’s help. Fuck, I may even buy an old motorcycle to fix and work on and rebuild.

3. Have My Own Style. I don’t like the whole, “You’re such a colorful person, why are you wearing so much black?” or, “Why so much aggressive tattoos for such a sweet girl?” ordeal. Shut the fuck up. I have a bright personality, I understand, but my personality is not my style. Two different entities entirely. And damnit, I like dark colors, red snake tattoos, bold looks, clothes that make me feel good, etc. I’m allowed to enjoy that without judgement. I like what I like, and there’s not one specific aesthetic for that. Why should I opt for one aesthetic when I can opt for them all, anyways.

5. One reward I want to work to this year for myself is a red snake tattoo wrapped around my middle finger. Red snakes signify transformation and divine feminine in spirituality. But for me, personally, it’s a bit deeper. 

A friend of mine tragically died last year after he bought something that turned out to be laced with a lethal drug. It was my birthday, August 21, 2020, when my boyfriend and I were heading to Tennessee to celebrate. Once we finally got there, a friend of ours texted us asking about our friend and whether we had seen the posts on his Facebook. Instantly, we went to his page only to find out that they had found his body that day in the woods near his house. This friend of mine and my boyfriends, he was always saying I dressed like a bee keeper, and was always encouraging me to follow my dreams and do what I want. I loved and appreciated him and his character, my boyfriend and I both did. And he had died. It was possibly the most devastating thing to happen that year. He also loved and owned multiple snakes. He always said he understood their nature, and that if I ever wanted to get over my fear then he would help by letting me hold a few until I was comfortable. 

For his sake, I don’t want to fear snakes anymore. I want to embrace them. I want to embrace change and face my fears. This is how I figure I can help myself do that.

I would also like to point out that ever since I started this, “Focus on me” journey, I have had more energy to do my tarot readings for people and have felt more compelled to simply enjoy myself alone. My spirituality is coming back.

Example, I had a conversation with myself when I first woke and started the day by writing down what I wanted to do to make me feel good. I started by drinking water and journaling, before making my bed and walking my dog. 

I was then brewing a cup of coffee with my new coffee press, and opted for cold apple chunks with a light lemon-honey sauce, & two boiled eggs. While I went through my motions of my morning, I gave myself advice, talked through some feelings I was struggling to understand, and even took some time to lay out my love for myself. It was intimate and necessary.

This is a moment for myself where I can change to do things that make me happy. I’m tired of talking about it, I’m just going to do it.