#mlabout

This past week was my Measuring Life Instagram 1 year anniversary! This past week was also the 9 year anniversary of my Measuring Life Tumblr account. I had started Measuring Life in January 2010 on Blogspot, but then quickly found the “fitblr” community on Tumblr so I decided to most all the posts from my first few months.

When I created my Blogspot I was doing it JUST for me, as a place to track my progress in a “public” way, however, I didn’t tell anyone about the page. Through some friends who were on a more public health and fitness journey in early 2010 I learned about the fitblr community on Tumblr. 2009-2011 were really the heyday of the fitblr community. Through Tumblr I was lead to tons of super useful resources related to fitness and nutrition and also learned about the posting culture like Transformation Tuesday, Weigh in Wednesday, Face to Face Friday and more. I was also introduced to things like Non-Scale Victories (NSV) or terms like Fitspo (fitness inspiration).

It was through Tumblr that I realized the power of community and what important piece of the weight loss/fitness puzzle that community was. Not only did I have a place of accountability, but I had people rooting for me and I was rooting for other people. Almost all of my Tumblr friends were people I didn’t know in real life and I found some “safety” in that. These fitblr strangers quickly became friends and over the years I’ve built real friends with them IRL (in real life). Most notably running a Ragnar with fitblr friends, multiple NYC and DC meal meet-ups, and attending the wedding in Chicago of a friend I met through Tumblr.

However early into my Tumblr journey I still didn’t post pictures of my face and kept my blog fairly anonymous. Looking back I was afraid of people judged and afraid of failing. I think that is largely why I didn’t tell my IRL friends about my Tumblr. People could SEE that I was losing weight, so I don’t know why I was so ashamed (?) about owning the fact that I was trying to get in better shape and healthier. Ashamed sounds harsh, but at the same time, I think it was accurate. I tried to wear my weight confidently although I definitely had low self-esteem and body image issues. Looking back now, I think perhaps had I publicly announced my weight loss journey it would have felt to me like I was declaring that I wasn’t happy with my body - which was true - but it would have made my already fragile self feel too damn vulnerable.  

There were times over the years that I thought about sharing my Tumblr with people, however, as most weight loss and fitness journeys go the past 9 years have been filled with two steps forward and one step back as well as falling off the wagon and getting back on time and time again. I think every time I was feeling good and ready to share my journey I’d lose momentum and then didn’t feel confident enough to share my Tumblr.

Last year at the start of 2018 I got recommitted to my weight loss and fitness journey. I took weight watchers tracking seriously, I made it a point to work out 5x a week, take vitamins and more. 5 months into this chapter, May of last year, I was feeling really good about my progress and in an act of 1AM clarity, I decided to make an Instagram and Facebook page for Measuring Life. Tumblr is sadly a shell of its former self and I knew that I needed a community of support to help me stay motivated. I had followed a number of weight loss/fitness Instagram accounts and already had a personal account since 2013 so I knew that was what I wanted as my main platform. However, I also know that if I ever want to monetize Measuring Life in some way that I should grab all the social media handles and buy a website domain. So last May I did just that.

It took sometime before I started personally inviting some IRL friends to my Measuring Life accounts. The response I got from those friends was so lovely and supportive. I had been working with my friend A on a logo for a couple of months in 2018 and I was ready to debut it once 2019 rolled in. January 2019 was also when I posted on my personal Instagram about my Measuring Life account. My Facebook page still feels too public, whereas people I am actually friends with follow my personal Instagram account. However, I hope to continue to put myself out there and share Measuring Life with more people. One of my bestie C started a fertility journey/new motherhood blog that she has been share more and more widely, I’m definitely inspired by her willingness to put it out there and “let it all hang out!”

Where Measuring Life goes is still to be seen. Nothing about my journey has been an “overnight transformation” which is what the internet loves. I’ve been slow and unsteady for years upon years. Plus for me Measuring Life isn’t just about my weight and fitness, it’s about my mental health, my relationships, my financial journey, and more. So needless to say my “brand is diluted,” which can be problematic. However, I still come back to the quote from Tom Rath, “if you measure it, you can manage it.” I think that’s the real point of Measuring Life. If you don’t know what you are working it and track the trajectory, then there is no way to change anything aside from dumb luck.

‧₊˚ ☾. ⋅ hiii I’m marie-laurence but everyone calls me ml!

‧₊˚ ☾. ⋅ 28, queer/bisexual (still figuring out my sexuality), demi-girl/nonbinary (preferably they/them)

‧₊˚ ☾. ⋅ I experience a lot of comphet. just a heads up. I am genuinely confused most of the time but pls don’t come in my ask and invalidate me. your ask will be deleted or if I feel like giving a haters attention I will reply to it.

‧₊˚ ☾. ⋅ sun: taurus, moon: cancer, rising: cancer

‧₊˚ ☾. ⋅ autistic and I also have adhd, have anxiety and depression.

‧₊˚ ☾. ⋅ white

‧₊˚ ☾. ⋅ from belgium!

‧₊˚ ☾. ⋅ my special interests atm : bts (especially joon), loona, andrew garfield (esp tasm!peter parker), sylus (love and deepspace), anakin skywalker, logan howlett (wolverine), vi (arcane. tbh just arcane in general), zuko (from atla), acnh (esp kiki), moons, astrology, koya, mew (pokemon), uh that’s about it I think or that’s all I can come up with atm.

‧₊˚ ☾. ⋅ I do not care for making a new side blog for every interest I have so ! if you don’t mind having random stuff on your dash, hello!

‧₊˚ ☾. ⋅ tri-lingual: dutch, french, english

‧₊˚ ☾. ⋅ I love girls so much.

‧₊˚ ☾. ⋅ obsessed with fictional characters don’t mind me

‧₊˚ ☾. ⋅ don’t be afraid to call me out when I fuck up, but please be nice or at least respectful unless I’m really ignorant and don’t want to apologise or see my mistakes which is kinda unlikely but yeah

‧₊˚ ☾. ⋅ tag me in: mew (pokemon), namjoon, jinsoul, yves, kim lip, arcane (vi esp), tasm!peter parker, sylus and zayne from love and deepspace, zuko from atla

‧₊˚ ☾. ⋅ my carrd is here

‧₊˚ ☾. ⋅ my side blogs are: @eunhoia (mainly aes) + @teleportme (nsfw blog) + @heartmew (fic recs side blog + other random stuff) + @healmydesires (fic writing blog)

‧₊˚ ☾. ⋅ if you've read this far, thank you <3 for caring or at least taking interest in the person behind this blog. I wish and hope you have a lovely day mwah 😚

Tumblr has been my quiet safe space for 8 years. This has been a place to grieve and be vulnerable. Much of what I compiled below for this week’s Measuring Monday was already written and shared here over the years. Only now am I beginning to share my writing more publicly and I am thankful for the space and community here when I was less brave.

The world lost a great man 11 years ago yesterday. My world especially got a lot dimmer and for sure a lot less funny.

My Dad was awesome. He was born in Brooklyn and raised on Long Island in the same town I grew up in. He was the first in his family to attend and graduate college (with an Art degree) and after being a hippie in Southern California for a few wanderlust months he went back for a Masters in Education.

My Dad was an art teacher in a low income, minority school district and he LOVED IT. He spent his ENTIRE 33-year career in the district. After teaching for 20ish years he went on to administration. He was a middle school assistant principal for a number of years and then a high school assistant principal for a number of years. They wanted him to be principal, but he didn’t want to deal with politics.

When I was in first grade my Dad started a Saturday enrichment program for K-12 students, he ran the program for 12 years. Some of my favorite childhood memories were from that program. My Dad also piloted a night school program within the school district so people could get their HS diplomas. My Dad was a pretty big deal in the K-12 Education world. Even after he retired he couldn’t stay away. The last year of his life he was teaching in an education certificate program at a Dallas Community College. My Dad was great at what he did.

We shared a love of many, many things, especially musicals. RENT was one of our favorites and after he died “Seasons of Love” took on a new meaning. I’m measuring those years within my “dash” (it’s a great poem if you are not familiar, look it up) in daylights - in sunsets - in midnights - in cups of coffee - in inches - in miles - in laughter - in strife and more.  Back in January 2010, a friend of mine challenged me to measure my year in cups of coffee, which lead to measuring my miles, my body, my health and the rest is history. I get a lot of joy and satisfaction in measuring my life. It makes life seem a little more permanent and a little less fleeting at times.

The last 3-4 years of his life I pretty much talked to my Dad every day, even multiple times a day. Since he was retired he was available to talk whenever. I generally would call him when I was walking to and from class in grad school. Even if it was just a few minutes we’d have a great chat. I can honestly say we were best friends. There are still times when I wish I had my Dad to call.

Our last day was a fabulous Daddy-Daughter day - we were dorks and really called them that. Little did I know that a week later he would be taken from me. I was living in North Texas at the time, 5 months into my first job out of grad school and I was going through a rocky patch. My Dad lived 2.5 hours away in Dallas and wanted to come up for the day to cheer me up. Plus my he was having gastric bypass surgery that Thursday and I really wanted to see him before then.

Part of the reason I moved to Texas was to be closer to my Dad. My parents got divorced after my freshman year of high school and he stayed local, but once I went to college we never lived in the same state. I was in Connecticut and he was in New York or Florida or Texas. I saw my Dad so much in those 5 months we both lived in Texas it was wonderful, some of our best times. I had a lot of ups and downs with my Dad, but our last few months were so much fun.

That last time we hung out I drove up to Oklahoma so we could go to the casino and play some slot machines. Well on the 20-mile drive to Oklahoma I get pulled over on a Sunday afternoon for doing 77 in a 70. I honestly wasn’t aware of my speed because it was an open road and because my Dad and I were singing along to the Aida soundtrack on the top of our lungs. I was so upset about the ticket, but my Dad comforted me and made me feel better, he always did. After the casino, we came back to my apartment, rearranged furniture, and just hung out.

I didn’t want him to leave. I had a sinking feeling about everything. That was the day he told me he was getting gastric bypass over a lap band. I wasn’t a fan of his decision to have either surgery, particularly not gastric bypass. He was 6'2 and 300-325 pounds MAYBE. He has lost 100 pounds through diet and exercise when I was in high school and he kept it off for 8 years before quickly gaining it back after he retired. I was disappointed that he was resorting to surgery. He had been talking about lap band for 6 months and talked to many doctors, went to consults etc. Then within a week of his surgery, his doctor talks him into gastric bypass.

His surgery was Thursday, a week before Thanksgiving. 3 days later that Sunday morning, November 18, 2017, my phone rings at 6:30am. I knew before I answered the phone that he was dead. He was still in the hospital and he essentially bled out internally. A blood transfusion and proper care could have saved his life. I was 2.5 hours away in North Texas not having been fully informed or able to fully comprehend post-op complications and too naive to realize I needed to come down. No twentysomething really thinks their Dad is going to die. I had just spent the prior Sunday with him and was scheduled to come down to Dallas Tuesday for the night before flying to NY for Thanksgiving.

I was devastated, I still am. My whole entire world forever changed. Everything about that day and the weeks and months that followed, including a failed wrongful death lawsuit due to the Texas good old boys club, was a nightmare. I sometimes wish I could “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” much of it.

He was 58, I was 24, and my sister was not quite 22. None of us were ready for him to be gone forever. My sister and I had already lost him once in 1998 when my parents separated and he moved out. To quote a friend who wrote about her Dad on his one year anniversary “I feel both lucky to have had my dad for so many years and angry that he was taken from me when I and he were too young. If I know anything better today than I did last year, it is exactly how complicated and messy life and death and grief are.”

My story is a complicated one on many levels. It’s a lot to bear, especially around the Holidays. Family drama and a Mother that I have a terrible relationship with makes things extra hard. There is no winning with her ever, my Dad was one of the few who really understood. I miss having him on my team. The sad reality is the 11 years that he’s been gone have also led to the 11 worst years in my relationship with my mom. A relationship that was rocky to begin with due to her alcoholism and emotional abuse.

The complications of life and death and grief were something I wasn’t expecting and it really causes tremendous pain. However, out of tragedy, I was finally able to find the motivation to get healthy and fit. I did the work, no shortcuts, no fad diets, and most importantly no surgery.

To quote a message from another friend years ago, about losing her mom, "Sometimes it takes the death of a loved one to wake us up. I consider that a lasting gift from my parent.” I found such comfort and hope in those words. My Daddy didn’t need that surgery and didn’t need to die. Sadly he did, but I refuse to let my weight control my life. I also couldn’t have his death be in vain. So in 2010, I started running, I took charge of my health. I also started fundraising for Accelerate Brain Cancer Cure (ABC2) since most people who have lost loved ones find solace in charity work and there wasn’t a community for my loss out there. So I adopted David Cook’s charity of choice since watching American Idol during those dark months that followed helped me get through each week.

And here I am 11 years later and in the best shape of my life thus far. I thank my Dad for that lasting gift no matter how painful it’s been. I only wish he was here to see me now and the wonderful all-around person I am today.

I’ll leave you with this. One quote I remember my Dad telling to me in a time of struggle in my life was, “Plant your own garden instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.” That quote has meant so much to me over the years. YOU only have one life and YOU need to make the most of out of, right now.

Love you Daddy.

By the numbers:

350.27 - Miles walked/hiked/run for fitness including tonight’s 4 mile race

22.1 - Pounds Lost

217 - Days I worked out

322.5 - Measuring Life related  work blocks of 50 minutes since July 2 aka 26 weeks

189 - Hours spent exercising since July 2 aka 26 weeks

1010.40 - Amount of money I made dog sitting since the end of September

2 - Number of semesters I taught Urban Hiking

0 - Amount of credit card debt I have

Changes I made (in semi-order)

Weight Watchers: recommitted on New Years Day 2018

Journaling: In February-March, during Lent, I used those 40 days to get back into journaling. I did it daily during Lent, but I aim for 1-2 times a week now.

Working with a Life Coach: For a while, I had listening to this new “find your purpose” podcast called “Life Amplified” from Dan Mason on my to listen to list. Finally, in May I listened and was jolted. A week later I was on a free webinar, then scheduled an exploration call. I worked with Dan in a 12-week group program from June 30 - mid-September. I got crystal clear on my purpose and have been making moves ever since. I continue to call Dan my coach and hope to work with him 1/1 later in 2019.

Therapy: Doing the deeper work is important, a lot of time was spent this fall working through some big stuff.

Paper Planner: As soon as I started working with Dan, I got a paper planner which has helped me maximize each day. This is why I know how many hours I spent working out or on Measuring Life projects because I logged everything and I love it. My planner helps keep me sane and motivated.

Body Pump Certification: This has been something I had thought about for a while, but used not having enough time and not being fit enough as excuses not to pursue it. Well, fall 2018 was my time. After successfully negotiating comp time to spread over a few months due to all the insane overtime my job requires in the summer, I was able to focus on this goal. It was hard to “try” for the first time in a while. I’m not naturally coordinated or athletic, but I put in the work and I’m excited to see where this takes me in 2019 and the new friendships that will continue to bloom within my fitfam!

Finances: I started obsessing over money, in a good way. Starting in July I began tracking every dollar my fiance and I spent. Thanks to Dan I also began to explore additional income streams - dog sitting with Rover, AirBNBing our guest room, selling clothes through ThredUp, and doing the cashback apps like GetUpside and Dosh - if you are interested let me know and I can send you a referral link where we both get money! I also have been using Acorns to “round up” my purchases and put the rounded up amount in a separate money market type savings account - I literally have accumulated $2K in there without trying over the last 3+ years. I was hoping my 403b was going to hit a very significant milestone before the end of the year, but the market has been absolute trash since September. In December I took a baby step into the Dave Ramsey world and joined EveryDollar, even upgraded to the plus version. It’s like Mint, but I never was able to fully get on board with Mint and I just can’t fight Dave Ramsey anymore #thisis35

Phone Addiction: My fiance calls my phone “my precious” because of how obsessed I am with it. My phone time is mostly spent during TV time which annoys my fiance to no end. I just can’t sit on the couch and not be on my phone. My phone addiction was really becoming a problem at bedtime. I would lose hours scrolling endlessly, or when I’d get up for something in the middle of the night I “had” to check my phone which would lead to me getting sucked in for varying around of time. My sleep was really suffering, particularly this summer when my schedule is extra busy and sleep is harder to come by. After listening to the Forever35 Podcast I heard the hosts talking about charging their phone in a different room at night and I couldn’t even fathom that. The fact that I was so shook by someone’s decision to charge their phone in another room made me decide I needed to try. I first kept the phone charged in the other bedroom like across the room, then I moved it to a closer outlet in the other bedroom - mainly because the alarm was blaring AF and I was already up and moving to shut it. Now that we sometimes AirBNB our guest room I charge it across the room of our bedroom. I’ve only been tempted by it twice, but otherwise, I’m fine plugging it up ~10:30pm and leaving it there until my alarm goes off the next morning. I have some more phone related goals for 2019, but more on that later.

Measuring Life: Last, but certainly not least. Measuring Life went from being this mistress of a Tumblr I had since 2010 into being my lifeblood. It was my anonymous pen name for years, but it was also really a way of life. The frequency of my blogging was a good indicator of how my health and fitness was going. By taking Measuring Life to Instagram, Facebook and beyond this year has given me the best kind of accountability, confidence, creativity and best of all connection with others on their journey. I’m excited to continue to measure all aspects of my life in 2019 while staying on my purpose driven journey of self care, recovery, and alignment.