From the Files of the Tedious But Necessary Missions Force
This started, in the way these things often do, in an online comment thread about an episode of the old “Mission: Impossible” TV series that had been posted, probably illictly, on YouTube.
Mind you, this was the old, old “Mission: Impossible”, before they got the urge to tinker with the formula and introduce mistakes and problems and character arcs and backstories and other kinds of the stuff that makes the average modern remake so tedious. The pleasure of watching the old, old “Mission: Impossible” was watching a complicated plan play out like clockwork, being surprised by all the complexities of a well-oiled machine running perfectly through its paces.
Still, that didn’t satisfy one commenter, who had remarked:
“The characters are one dimensional. Very little interaction or personal expressions toward each other.”
"And thank goodness for that! The focus was always on executing a complex plan, not giving each other all the feels. Not everything needs to be a heckin' Netflix franchise drama. (Toward the end of the series there were a few episodes where there was more personal expression, and those episodes were absolutely horrible.)
“Except now I'm thinking about the other people whose pictures were in the packet but that Dan/Jim never picked for a mission. Imagine how they must have felt, always getting relegated to “Mission: Moderately Difficult” or “Mission: Actually Pretty Easy.” Did they resent Rollin and Barney and Willy and Cinnamon, or were they pretty happy about being able to take it easy and have weekends off?”
And that, as sometimes happens, set me off down a winding path...
[SCENE I: A vacant office inside a derelict warehouse. A man in an off-the-rack suit enters, opens a desk drawer, removes a small tape recorder, and starts it playing.]
VOICE ON TAPE: "Good morning, Harold. General Derp, the dumbest officer in the Blottovanian Army, plans to depose Princess Gloofinda at her coronation and install himself as military ruler. We don't think he can do it, since the last time he tried to stage a coup he failed because he couldn't find his pants. But Blottovania is an ally and we don't want our adversaries, the People's Democratic Republic, to be making fun of us about it at every embassy reception for the next year. Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to get Derp drunk and then hide his car keys until after the coronation, so Gloofinda can ascend the throne, such as it is. As always, if you or any of your TNM force should screw up, the Secretary will have a good laugh at your expense. This tape will self-destruct in five seconds, so don't put it in your front pocket like last time, because we aren't going to approve another expense reimbursement to your tailor. Good luck, Harold."
[SCENE II: In a shabby, secluded office, HAROLD SMEDWICK, chief of the secretive Tedious but Necessary Missions Force, briefs his team:]
HAROLD: Team, this is our big chance. Sure, we could accomplish the objective just as we discussed - Wanda gets the general into the bar, Milton keeps mixing him drinks until he passes out, and then Lester locks him in a broom closet until the coronation is over. But we can go 'way beyond that! We can expose the entire People's Democratic Republic apparatus... we can reveal the hidden alliances that control Blottovanian politics... we can...
MILTON: Come on, Harold, how about we just do the mission and then stop there? Lester and I are playing in the company golf tournament this weekend.
WANDA: Yeah, and I've already missed four Pilates classes. They don't give refunds, you know.
HAROLD: Listen, I was in spy school with Dan Briggs and Jim Phelps, and my grades were just as good as theirs. But I wouldn't suck up to the professors the way that Briggs did, and Phelps got a free pass because his dad is a Senator. This is my chance to prove that I'm destined for more than just mediocrity!
WANDA: Mediocrity? I have a feeling I'm being insulted here. Don't you remember how I personally defused the Wallonian missile crisis by pulling the drawstring out of the Defense Minister's sweatpants during Zumba class? Ten seconds and the problem was solved, nothing fancy required. I don't call that mediocre.
LESTER: Mediocrity means easy assignments, nice working conditions, good benefits, and living to collect your pension. I'm good with mediocrity.
HAROLD: Look, none of this is about you. It's about me. My mom knows Cinnamon Carter's mother, and I asked her if she could fix me up with a date with her...
MILTON: Cinnamon, or her mom?
HAROLD: Hardy-har-har. Anyway, do you know what she said? What my own mom said? She said...
LESTER: See what happens when we start getting into interaction and personal expressions?
