4/22/2020
I put off this essay for a long time. Somehow, this is not an easy topic for me. So I’m writing in sort of a letter/journal format, because I think that will make it easier for me to make my point, or answer the prompt, or something. This will get pretty personal, so buckle up.
So, Sister Rutherford, how do I hear God? To be honest, I’m not sure I do. I try. I really, really try to hear Him. I read my scriptures most nights, I pray, I listened to all five sessions of conference. But it has been hard for me to feel the Spirit for a long time.
I guess I should give some sort of backstory. I dated this guy in high school. We were together for almost two years, and I loved him. In the beginning of our relationship—the beginning of our junior year—we decided that it would be smart to break up before going to college. We both planned on serving missions, leaving after a year of college, and it made sense to have a year broken up before that. To be fair, it was mostly his idea, but I agreed. It seemed reasonable. After breaking up, though, I kind of broke. I remember one night a few days after we broke up, I prayed. And I remember feeling like things were going to be okay. But since then, I haven’t really felt that. I came to BYU, and I went to church and my religion class, and I read my scriptures, and I prayed. But I felt—and still feel—disconnected from God. You said in class once that being beyond feeling is a terrifying place to be, and it is. It is terrifying to go to Relief Society and have every lesson for months say “if you just turn to Christ, you’ll have peace” when you do not have peace. One Sunday, I came home from church and threw myself on my bedroom floor. I wept and prayed, asking God to please give me some feeling of peace if ending my relationship was the right thing. I did not feel peace that day, and I did not feel it any of the other times I cried unto God.
I think I’ve felt the Spirit since then, but it’s been… muted. Different. I received confirmation on some choices I had to make, like opening my mission papers. I went to a fireside for my stake about Eve, and I felt the Spirit there. I also felt the Spirit at a feminism discussion panel, more than I often did at church. Maybe I’ve closed myself off. Maybe I have too many expectations for what I want God to tell me, and that’s inhibiting my ability to feel the Spirit. Maybe Satan knows that I’m destined for greatness, or something, and he’s blocking the Spirit. Whatever the cause, it’s been difficult.
So that brings me to General Conference. I had high hopes for this conference, not just because we were told it would be unforgettable. I hoped that it would heal me. That I would hear the words of the Prophet and the Apostles and I would hear God. But that didn’t happen. There were talks that I enjoyed, that had good messages for me to hear. But I was not healed by it. I couldn’t focus on it. I had trouble staying awake, which has never been a problem for me. I fully intend to read the talks later, and I still hope that it will help. But watching General Conference did not help me #HearHim.
It’s been hard to motivate myself to study my scriptures when it doesn’t seem to help me feel the Spirit. But I can get myself to read one chapter most nights. One chapter, and then I pray. And I ask God to please, please, help me feel Him. And I don’t.
I believe that God is real. I believe that He hears all our prayers. I’ve felt His presence before. I have had great spiritual experiences. I just don’t seem to be having them anymore. My therapist tells me that maybe no answer is my answer, but I have trouble accepting that. How could no answer be the answer to many prayers asking to feel God’s love?
How do I try and hear Him? I do my best to open my mind and my heart. I’m from Oregon, and one of the things that I missed the most in Utah was the rain. I went on a walk a couple weeks ago, soon after I got home. It had been raining hard for a while, but when I went out it was just drizzling. In the midst of a global pandemic, my neighborhood was calm. Flowers were blooming. Rain came down and nourished the earth. And although I’m not sure I’m ever quite happy, I felt better being home. I remembered a verse in Alma either while I was outside or just after I came home. Alma 30:44 says, “All things denote that there is a God, yea, even the earth, and all things that are upon the face of it, yea, and its motion, yea, and also all the planets which move in their regular form do witness that there is a Supreme Creator.” I’ve never been a very outdoorsy person. I struggled with girls’ camp and pioneer trek because I have a tendency to get distracted by bugs and things. But I believe in God. I know that He created the earth, and I agree with Alma: all things testify of God. As I strive to feel God’s presence, this helps me. I can lay my foundation on just a simple belief in Him as a Supreme Creator.
Two other scriptures that I love are Alma 33:11 and 2 Nephi 4:20-21. Alma says, “I will cry unto thee in all mine afflictions, for in thee is my joy.” Going to church is not always my joy. I get bored, and overwhelmed, and lessons often feel patronizing (see earlier paragraph when RS lessons could not reach me). But I have had joy in Christ and His gospel. So I cry unto God in my afflictions, because I have faith that He hears me and will help me. Nephi writes, “My God hath been my support; he hath led me through mine afflictions in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep. He hath filled me with his love, even unto the consuming of my flesh.” Patience has never been a strong quality of mine. I get easily frustrated when things are uncertain and there isn’t a clear “right way to go.” Spending such a long time with no answers from God has not been easy for me. But I am trying to be patient. I am trying to trust in God and know that He has a Plan.
I don’t think I exactly answered the prompt, but I did my best. Sister Rutherford, I hope you read this and understand what I’m trying to say. I want to hear Him. I am trying to. But General Conference didn’t seem to be the answer for me, so it’s not what I could write about. I’ve enjoyed my time in your class, and I’m thankful for the lessons you’ve shared. I hope to be able to apply them throughout my life.
