#missingthings

A break-up is never a fun thing. Your future is suddenly changed. In the course of a day or two your whole future looks different, and maybe not better. Maybe you thought your future would be with this person. You thought you would be with this person for the rest of your life. And suddenly that’s not the case anymore. One of you decided that this wasn’t going to happen. And the second person usually can’t do much about it. A relationship is usually over if one person decides it is. And that sucks. It sucks to be abandoned like that. To be told that you aren’t wanted like that anymore. Maybe you aren’t wanted at all.

People need to be wanted. We want to be wanted. We want someone to like us and belong. I did, at least. I belonged somewhere. My future was set, and I was home. Then something changed. I’m still not sure what that was. Even after all this time, I still don’t know why. But I have to accept it. And I have to make a new future. Without him. Without the life I lived for almost 10 years.

I miss the sound of him coming home. The sound of his jacket being hanged in the hallway and the joy in his voice when he called out to see if I was home. I miss his arms around me and his nose in my neck. I miss the way he sniffed me and smiled at me. Home. I miss the way his mouth felt against mine and how close he held me. I could easily tell if he had thought about me that day or not.

I miss the feeling of his freshly shaven head and the smell of the lotion he used. I miss sitting in the passenger seat of our car and the way he grabbed my hand sometimes. I used to love that feeling. Especially if he kissed it. I miss the smell of our tv-room where we used to watch movies. The way the darkness surrounded us, and I got to curl up close to him. How his arm felt around me, and his fingers intertwined with mine. His kisses on my head. His laughter. His soft voice and lips when he woke me up in the morning before he went to work.

I miss traveling.

Last night, I woke up in the middle of the night and watched planes inched their way to their destinations on flightradar. The tiny planes on the screen making little movements. I imagined myself being in one of those planes, feeling anxious, giddy, and too excited to hop off of the plane and start my journey in a place that's entirely new to me, but at the same time, patiently taking my time in the plane, enjoying the turbulance and its soft roar. It’s always a different feeling being inside the plane.

I hope traveling has not lost on me yet. I wish I could still travel again one day and go discover another set of new places, or go back revisit the old ones and get all the more acquainted with what’s around.

When I came back home from my trip in Australia last 2019, I promised myself that I’d start traveling around my own country more often. I realized that I had not been to beautiful places in my home country like Mayon Volcano, Baguio, Sagada, Vigan, Samar, Davao, and Siquijor — these are the few places I wanted to journey in 2020 and it's a shame that I hadn't been in one of these places.

However, unfortunately, COVID-19 pandemic happened and is currently happening, evolving into something worse, trying to constantly eradicate the human race. With the pandemic trashing futures, my travel plans were postponed indefinitely along with the rest of other people’s plans. We all had been constrained and forcefully put steady in the same place for who knows when. It’s been two years, but there’s still no end in sight.

I hope that one day, we will all be able to do the things that we missed doing during the course of a 2-year-and-counting break.