#missedconfessions

I put away the baby boots

and the test with two bright lines

I laid in bed for weeks on end

praying for your life

I thought about the names

and the things you could've been

the color id paint your room

your dad building your bed.

Maybe I wasn't ready

or the timing wasn't right

it still feels unfair

I'm ready to give life.

I promise I will never forget our time

however short it was

you were in my belly once,

so you are infinitely loved.

One day ill take the boots back out,

and fill them with little feet

and ill be reminded of the time

the imaginary you was inside me.

Buzzing all around you Looking for a sweet spot to land Hoping it can snack a bit Before you swat it with your hand It still seems to follow you around Living off what you leave behind The tiniest bit of anything Is enough for the fly's lifetime You wonder how a creature so delicate Has made it this far And I wonder the same about myself As you swat me from your arm That fly and I are so alike More than I want to admit But when your used to eating rotting fruit You become familiar with their pit

I want to lay next to each other and trace the outlines of our fingers

endless eskimo kisses and playful fights

love without passion does not fuel my soul

it burns my confidence

my belief I am worthy of the things I dream of turned to ash

I force myself to swallow empty promises

chants for change

I have to believe my child will learn love from this

even if I cant see it myself

I have no choice to hope the change will come

and I will wake up with you next to me

pushing my hair behind my ear

soft kisses on my skin

the sun coming through the window

but I wake up in with the same pain each day

feeling ugly and worthless

making a mockery of myself for a simple reaction

to be seen

I wish for the love I've been told does not exist

but I have had it before

and I ran from it

I think about it everyday

but the child inside me is yours

and I will forever be tied to this passionless love

for I am told I am loved

so I must just believe it...

cant last an entire week

cleaning up your messes & spills

that you leave on the counter for me

Have you ever touched one?

Used one to clean up for yourself?

Or are you just acting surprised we need more

when the bare roll is on the shelf

You must know the mess you leave behind

and notice when its no longer there

its because someone you think is less than you

is making your life easier to bare.

Clean counters, clean clothes

Fresh food and homecooked meals.

All done by that women you think of as small

because your feelings as a man

keep you from touching the paper towels at all.

The last one in the bowl

The fruit bearing labor has never quite made me full

I’d do it again for you 

I’d walk a mile down the road

This time, with fruit in my hand

I’ll make my love a show

I’ll do all the work 

Please enjoy to taste

I picked the perfect orange for you 

And I’ve squeezed it just in case

I’ll stain my nails up everyday

The way my mother did

But I still wish you peeled my orange for me

Like when I was still a kid.

like a baby being born

the day you died

she poured her trauma on the floor

the floor where she grew up

the floor where i played

i watched my mother take her first breath

on that god awful day

the feelings are conflicting

the line between love and hate

a parent who said i love you

but didn't show quite the same

you knew she didn't mean it

but it hurt you just as much

so you swallowed the pills for her

and lost your magic touch

only now can you feel it

the weight of the world lifted

as you took your first breath

in that kitchen.