Thanks to @thestarlightsymphony for the prompt list! I know I’m SUPER late on this one...so late, in fact, that it’s not even October (or Beboptober) anymore! Sorry about that—college has been busy. But I WILL be finishing Beboptober—I’ve gotten so far; I can’t give up now—and to prove it, I’m publishing TWO fics today. You can read my fic for Day 29, Butterflies, right here!

Sometimes, in the night, in fleeting moments of melancholy, Spike thought about Rocco.

“I wonder…if I had met you earlier in my lifetime…do you think that we would have been friends?”

The words he’d uttered in his last gasp, that Spike had briefly heard as he ran to get a doctor in what turned out to be a futile effort, stuck with Spike. They posed a question he wasn’t able to answer.

Maybe, if they’d met earlier, Rocco’s fate would have been different. Maybe they would have been friends, and Spike would have had a mentee—the kid had potential, after all, and passion. Maybe he would have been able to save his sister, and she would have been able to see him with her own eyes.

“What was he really like?” Stella had asked as Spike left the hospital room.

“You know better than anyone,” he’d answered. “Without looking. He was a terrific guy.”

So many missed connections. Missed opportunities that would never be again.

But Spike usually shut the thoughts down as soon as they’d come. He was no stranger to loss. And he knew better than anyone that there was no point dwelling on the maybes.

You've been living in the back of a U-haul and I've been so lonely. - m4m (Lower East Side)

age: 22

A friend gave you my number and you texted me. I'd been blackout drunk and assumed you were a guy from the night before so I asked you if we were in love. You told me we'd never met. We started talking for a while and then we finally made plans to meet up. I wasn't sure if you were into me or if you were just trying to get me to join Amway, which really seems like a fucked up cult. You picked me up outside of the Starbucks at Astor Place, driving a U-haul, and I got into it with you against my best judgement. You told me your mattress was in the back, and I said "That's convenient" and then we parked on St. Mark's and got out to go get coffee, even though it was late and neither of us needed it. While walking down the street, we passed an ice cream place and you said, "Oh, ice cream" and I said "We could get ice cream instead." and you asked, "Do you want to?". I'm the type of bitch who is always down for ice cream, so I said yeah and then you told me you'd left your wallet in the U-haul. I said I'd cover it, even though I was starting to think you'd done it on purpose in the hopes that I would offer to pay. I got rosewater ice cream which you kept commenting on, saying it was very "warm" (but it's ice cream, so it was cold). You got chocolate sorbet, which I wasn't really into. You switched with me and then ate half of my ice cream while I picked at yours, since I thought it was gross. I asked to trade back and you asked me if I'd be interested in joining Amway. I told you no. I asked, "Is this what this is all about here?" I was thinking you'd only come out with me to try to get me to join. You told me no and looked offended, but maybe you're a good actor. Then you told me you're getting married and I choked. There was a good deal of silence and then you were like, "I'm doing it to help him get a green card" and I said, "That's cool, that's really nice of you" and then you showed me pictures of your ex. We left and went back to the U-haul, where you turned the heat on so high that I was sweating and then you told me you were tired and wanted to lie down, that your bed was in the back of the car. I, misunderstanding, said, "Oh, well I can go if you're tired. I had a long day at work." and then you told me I didn't have to leave. Thoughts raced through my mind, the main one being: "Am I going to get fucked in the back of a U-haul on the side of a busy street?". I'd had wings for dinner at work and I was feeling stuffed up--I thought if we had sex, it was probably going to be messy. You suggested us finding a more private place to park. Again, I wondered: Am I going to get fucked in the back of a U-haul? The only answer I kept coming to was "maybe", so I let you drive to find a better place to park. You told me you had the U-haul because you had been moving friends for the past few weeks, and that you slept in the back of it during moves. I asked, "But you have like a place you go to when you're not moving people, right?" and you said, "No, I've been living in the U-haul for the past three weeks." We wound up over at Union Square and I said you could let me out and that I'd get on the train. You asked if I'd want to go out again and I said, "Yeah, just text me or call me."

So a few days passed and then I worked until midnight. You picked me up in the same spot and then told me, again, that you had your bed in the back of the van. Part of me wanted to just do it, but then the other part was thinking I wasn't that kind of guy--even though I'm the kind of guy who has gotten railed in the bathroom of a bar (but really, it's 2016--who hasn't?). For some reason, this shyness came over me and I didn't try anything. We drove down the street to find parking, and in that time you, a white man in his 20's, dropped the n-word probably about thirty times. You laughed, noticing my discomfort, and said, "I think I might be a little racist when I drive." and I quipped, "Yeah, only a little." We walked down to get pizza in this place I'd been before, and you made a comment because I ordered a beer and you don't drink (that's honestly the part that concerns me the most though) and I said, oh I'm only having one. You didn't like the music that was playing in the store, so you took out your phone and started blasting your own music. I was uncomfortable, and then you showed me a video of a flashmob in a gym, a wedding proposal. "That's what I'm going to do, Iago loves going to the gym," you said, and I asked how long you two had known each other and you told me it had been a month. I'm not sure if I'd ever been more bored in my life. I was wearing a big flannel jacket and I kept wrapping myself up in it because I felt fat and wanted to hide my body, and I started playing with the buttons on it and then tuned you out for a second. We walked back to the U-haul and you were being very loud and then you offered to drive me home. My opinion of you had shifted drastically, but I wasn't about to pass on a free ride since I live all the way in Harlem. I told you about my roommate, how we used to be friends and then he admitted me to a psych ward. After I got out, he told me to move out because he was done dealing with me. I told you I've been going through a really hard time, and that it felt like everything was crashing down on me. You said, "That sucks. Is he cute?"

When we got back to my place, you asked if you could come in and pee. I said sure. We walked up to my floor and then you were in the bathroom for like fifteen minutes which was strange. My roommate came out and was being nosey and I wanted to ask him if he still hated me. Instead, I said "How are you?" and he made himself a protein shake and went back to bed. I was feeling lonely, so I offered for you to stay the night. You declined, because the back window of the U-haul was broken out and only covered by a piece of aluminum foil sealed there with duct tape. I understood, and you asked if you could borrow a blanket. I gave you a red one that was very fluffy and soft and you told me you'd return it. You said, "I'm just going somewhere to park and sleep. Can I see you in the morning?" and I said okay. You parked somewhere nearby and went on grindr, and I chatted with you there and told you I was just hanging out in my U-haul, trying to joke. You didn't seem to understand that I knew it was you I was speaking to, so you told me very clearly that it was and I had to question whether or not you understand anything.

In the morning, you went to meet your boss and didn't return my blanket. I texted to and said "I knew you were only using me for my blanket," and you said, "I'm not using you." I asked what you thought of me and you said I seem nice. What does that mean though?

Now it's a Saturday night and I'm feeling lonely. I'm going to go to a few bars and I'd invite you along but you don't drink. What do you want from me, U-haul guy? What do I want from you? I don't even know. I think I'm looking for some sort of connection, anything, to make me forget about the situation that I'm in and to make me feel like my world isn't crashing down. I think you're very racist and I don't think we have much in common at all--so why am I still thinking about you? I think I want something normal in my life, but I'm not sure if that comes in the form of a guy who has been living in a U-haul who is getting married soon. You also have two facebook profiles and two cell phones and you say you have a dog but I've never seen it. Because of this, I'm reluctant to get into the back of the U-haul. What if I do and you lock me in there? I know about sex-trafficking. I don't want that to happen to me.

For some reason I want you. Everything tells me I shouldn't and that there are plenty of other guys in New York. But none of them are you, and maybe I'm crazy after all. At the very least, I want my blanket back.