#misguidedamor

He was kissing you

His lips were on yours.

He swallowed your tears, your cries, he was shutting you up the only way he knew how.

And yet…

You were still so angry, you tried to separate from him, you did, but he didn’t release you, he clinged into you, deepening the kiss, making your head spin.

When he needed to catch his breath, then he finally released you. 

“I’ll love you”, he said, but it was almost angry, like a grunt, you could tell he was frustrated, as you were, “love me”, he demanded against your lips

“I did”, you said, “now I hate you”, you whispered angrily

“Oh yeah?”, he asked back, with a sufficient smile on his lips. 

“Yes”, you said, “you left me alone, you humiliate me”, you said angrily, “you broke my heart, you are in love with my mother”

“I’m sorry”, he said, his face showed you he was indeed, honest, but he was very serious, “for leaving you, I’m sorry for breaking your heart, and I don’t love your mother anymore”, he said slowly, patiently

“I don’t care”, you bit back, like a little child would. 

“Forgive me”, he said again

“No”, you fought. He looked down at you, at your eyes, and took a long sigh

“Please, listen to me”, he begged, “please”, you frowned, you were frowning at him, but nonetheless, you nodded. 

“Fine”, you said back. 

“Is not that I didn’t… want to… be with you”, you could tell he was struggling, this was as hard for him as it was for you, “I…. I have been trying to fight it, you know how embarrassing it is for ME?”, he said angrily against your lips, “I was supposed to protect you, not lust over you, not desire you like a sick person, you are a young beautiful woman…”, he said

“And you are a handsome general of the empire, and my husband”, you fought back angrily.

“...And I was charged with taking care of you and keep you safe”, he murmured

“Then you should have escorted me to the temple of Vesta”, you said back, “instead of marrying me”, you defied

“I know”, he said, “I know but… I did, and you are young enough you could be my daughter”, he reminded you

“So?”, you asked, “Cecilia has the same difference with her own husband”

“I know”, he murmured, “and yet… I… felt so guilty…”

“Because you loved my mother”

“No”, he insisted, “I might have loved her, but I don’t anymore”, he did say that same thing that day when he was feverish. But still you shook your head, “I swear it”, he promised. You said nothing. “You deserve so much more”, he lamented

“You are right”, you said back, “I deserve to be loved by my husband, whoever he is, however old he is, and however handsome”, you said confidently. “I deserved to be….”, you didn't have the strength to say it

Alright, the propriety and restraints all forgotten, you had started this, and it was not going to be over until everything was out there, out in the open. 

“You want it to be me, then?”, he asked, you shook your head.

Your ego or perhaps, your pride were not going to let you be the one to beg him to do it, to beg him to be the husband he signed up to be. The discomfort in your face was clearly noticeable for him, as he took a long breath

He kissed you again, not letting go, he had you trapped against his body, one of his arms tightly surrounding your waist, hand plastered spread in your lower back, and his other in the back of your neck. Your fists were onto his chest, you weren’t even sure if you were trying to push him away or grabbing onto him.

“Forgive me”, he begged against your lips, “I was so blind… For neglecting you”, he said, “for not treating you like you deserve to be treated”, he said then, “for leaving you alone”

“I wanted you”, you said, angrily, “and you wanted my mother!”, you threw on his face, making him flinch

“You are wrong”, he said angrily. You separated from him, not wanting him to use more of his kisses to distract you, they were proven to be very distracting, very useful in destroying your determination.

“You are just muttering words”, you said. “There are no actions to sustain them”, you said, devoid of all emotions.

He looked at you, truly looked at you.

Maybe he finally saw your eyes devoid of light and emotion

Maybe he finally saw the deterioration in you, for lack of care and love.

“You wanted me?”, he asked, like you just told him a joke

“Since you came to my mother’s house that day”, you said firmly, “you promised you were going to care for me”, you said, “I wanted to marry you”

“You did?”, he asked

“I did”, you said, “and then you married me, you abandoned me, neglected me, humiliated me”, you felt his hot breath over his face. 

“I never intended for it to happen that way”, he lamented, “I promise, I thought it was enough to keep you safe”, you chuckled darkly. “Your mother couldn't trust anyone else with you, you don’t understand the power you have running inside your veins, we couldn’t let you fall in the hands of the wrong man”, you nodded faintly, not wanting to hear anymore, only wanting to feel

It was so contradictory, as you were enjoying the closeness of the man that had done that to you. That had left you alone….. but you had been… so…so… lonely

“What do you want?”, you asked him, “what do you want to do now?”

“Let’s start over”

“No”, you said, only thinking about having to start your marriage all over again made your head hurt.

“Then give me another chance, let’s work from here”, he said, “I know what I have done wrong and I regret it, deeply, now I know how you feel, please”

“Are you going to be my husband now?”, you asked him

“If you’ll have me”, he said

What other choice did you have? You had to admit you did not feel the same about him that you did when you just married him, the admiration you held was now tainted, and you held resentment in your heart…

And yet…

The very thought of divorcing him scared you.

The very thought of being alone again made your heart ache.

But really, should you give him another chance?

“Alright”, you whispered so faintly, it could have been easily taken by the soft wind

“We’ll start over”, he said, “without your mother’s shadow, without my fears and doubts, how about that?”, you searched into his eyes for any ounce of doubt, you didn’t find any. You only found honesty, or that is what you wanted to believe. “Say yes”, he begged, and then you realised you haven't say anything

“Yes”, you murmured, not yet convinced, your resentful heart still throbbing painfully in your chest. 

He leaned in and kissed you again. This time it was desperate, and needy, and even passionate, he pressed you against him and you just melted in his hands. This is something you had never felt before. 

He released you softly, caressing your face, and then, his hands finally left your form.  

You cursed yourself by feeling for missing his touch in mere seconds. And how your heart dropped when you saw him turn, towards the stairs, and out of the room. 

“Where are you going?”, you asked, the anger returning quickly, like a tidal wave. He seemed surprised by your tone, turning to you with his eyebrows raised

“To get the tunic I sleep in”, he said with a soft smile

“You’ll sleep by my side”, you didn’t know if you were demanding it or asking it, you wanted to demand it, it sounded like a question though

“Yes I will”, as soon as he left for that simple mission, you became extremely nervous

Gods, were you finally going to be bedded by your husband? you were going to have sex? The mere thought made you incredibly nervous. You changed quickly into your sleeping robes and sat by the side of the bed to wait for him. You eyed hungrily the small table by the window, in it, stood an amphora of wine and a cup, very enticing. 

You couldn’t stop yourself, you stood quickly and filled the cup to the brim and then gulped it down in quick movements, so quickly your throat hurt. 

Quickly you felt your palate tingling and stuck with that mellow taste and you knew you were done for. Wine made you sleepy and sloppy in equal measures, but did it give you courage? yes it did. 

You shakily took another quick drink, this time, slower, you did not want to get poisoned or something. 

You heard his strong steps climbing up the stairs slowly and you started playing with your fingers. Leaving the amphora and the cup on the table. The only thing separating you from the top of the stairs was a curtain that was drawn back, and he appeared quickly through them, he searched you with those pretty eyes of his until he found you standing.

“Wine?”, you asked nervously, as you gazed upon him, he was dressed in his sleeping tunic, you had never seen him in it before, he was always dressed appropriately in front of you, unlike you in the countryside. 

He hesitated, you could see it, but he eventually nodded and walked towards you. 

He took from your cup and drank himself, slowly, paladating the red thick liquid.

“It's a good harvest”, he said awkwardly, you wouldn’t know, you didn't drink wine, usually

“Sure”, you answered, “is it from around here?”, he only chuckled and you felt your ears burn because of your dumb question

“You don’t have to be nervous”, he said softly, gazing at you, he took two steps towards you, and you felt all the wine travelling to your head

“Oh gods”, you murmured, just as he was going to cradle your face to kiss you again, as he was clearly trying to start something else… you felt the wine you just gulped as the thirstiest woman on earth rose to your head, making you incredibly dizzy. 

He could immediately see sudden change in your movements, as the great general he was. 

He leaned in, smelling the wine in your breath, so he instead took his lips to your forehead

“Wait”, you called, but it was slurred. 

“Let's get you in bed, we are both tired”, he said with a soft smile.

In your dazed brain, it seemed like all the progress you had made with him was erased like it was written in the sand. You pouted childishly. your nose is ticklish, a clear sign of coming tears.

You were going to sleep with him, for the first time. You each went to one side of the bed and then got inside it, under the covers. It was a bit weird, you certainly settled in a very strange and uncomfortable silence, but once you were side by side on the bed, you looked at him, and he smiled at you

“I’m going to turn off the light”, he said softly. You nodded, grabbing the sheets tightly, covering your body until the only thing that could be seen was your face. 

He blew the light out of the oil lamp in the table next to the bed, and suddenly, the only light was coming out of the window, of the stars and moon. Once your eyes adapted to the room, you could see him clear as day. 

You felt him, right by your side, his warm, big body right next to yours, you could feel him clearly and yet he wasn’t touching you. 

“So when I left for short moments that is when you decided to chug an amphora of wine?”, he seemed almost entertained by you. You only grunted, shame pooling in your lower belly alongside the hot wine.

This was the first night you were going to spend alongside your husband and you were drunk. 

His big, warm hand on your cheek made you tremble

“You don’t have to be nervous”, he murmured, understanding the reasoning behind your ‘chugging’. “ever, not around me”, you wanted to laugh, but the embarrassment wouldn’t let you. You were nervous because you were afraid he was going to reject you, again, like the first night you spent as a husband and wife. 

“I’m nervous because you might reject me again”, you whispered, boldened by the fermented grapes. “And you are”, his hand didn’t disappeared from,your cheek, instead, he caressed your skin with his thumb

“I am not”, he said gently, “I just don’t want to have my wife intoxicated in our first time… together”, he said simply. 

“Tell me the truth”, you murmured after a pregnant pause. “Why don’t you want me… in that way?”

“I do want you”, he said softly

“I don’t believe you”, you murmured

“I just felt… guilty”, he explained softly, “for desiring you, and I wanted to have my head clear of every doubt before I really tried something with you”, he whispered. It seemed like the darkness had made you both a bit bolder, as he couldn’t clearly see your face, it made it somewhat easier. “but I see it clearly now”, you closed your eyes, wishing he would just stop talking. 

The cynic who had been born in the last six months returned to the surface, again, all words, no substance, or at least, there wasn’t any because you decided to get drunk in ten minutes. Your wine idled mind was just tired of it all. 

“I wish we could turn back in time”, he murmured, “I wish we could go back to that night we got married”, he said, “with what I know now”

“But we can’t”, you said, frowning, he sighed, his eyes shone even in the dark. He leaned in and kissed you softly, you answered back. wanting him to take the leap, to be the one who desired you, to initiate it, but he separated from you.

“Good night husband”, you turned on the bed, looking at the wall. He didn’t move too much, he accommodated his arms and scooched a bit, and then you guessed he fell asleep. You tried to follow, but couldn’t

Had your childishness ruined the little advances you had made? Was he never going to bed you again? share a bed again? 

Did you ruin everything?

You were sure you were going to wake up alone, and he was going to put you at arm’s length again, so you blew it. 

You were glad you finally fell asleep because otherwise, you were going to cry all night. 

. 

As you fell asleep tormented, you woke up incredibly rested, the first thing you felt when you came to it was how warm you were, how comfortable, you cuddled deeper into the bed only to realize… it wasn’t a bed.

You opened your eyes and you were welcomed with a beautiful caramel colour, and as your eyes adapted you realized it was your husband’s beautiful tanned skin. You were cuddling against him, your hand on his chest, your head on his shoulder. 

the sun was shining on the horizon, he should be up and about by now, but no.

He was there, with you.

His breathing was deep, as he was deep in slumber, but as you looked for his eyes you found his beautiful dark orbs looking back at you.

“Morning, pulchra”, he whispered teasingly

“Good morning”, you muttered, feeling your cheeks heated. “I’m sorry”, he said, trying to get off of him, but he grabbed your wrist, the one resting on his chest, and made you impossibly closer to him

“This is the best sleep I have had in years”, he said gently, his hand caressing your wrist, the other one turning around you, caressing your cheek softly. 

“I hardly believe that”, you said apologetically, “I was probably drooling all over you”, you giggled, “clutching into you”, he chuckled

“You can drool all over me, every time you want”, he teased, without you even realizing it, he had you trapped in his arms, leaning in dangerously close

“Marcus”, you whispered, like a little plea.

“Clutch onto me”, he whispered hotly against your lips, “don’t ever let go”, he finally kissed you, and you let out a little whimper against his lips. 

His kiss was demanding, passionate, the headache you had been harvesting disappearing as you fought for breath in his lips

He released you, as breathlessly and you were

“Are you still sure?”, he asked.

“Yes”, you as much as demanded. 

So he longed again against you, in his strength, in his passion, he leaned in until you were the one who was under him. 

His weight on top of you felt so good, so grounding, so natural. 

he had you trapped under him -not that you’d want to escape him-, but he released your hands so they were free to encase his face, to travel around his head and get tangled in his curls. 

You spread your legs instinctively, and he accommodated himself between them like he was meant to be there, again, natural

Everything felt so natural. 

“Marcus”, you whispered again against his lips

“If you want to stop we will”, he said firmly, yet his voice sounded strangled, like doing so would make him do an Herculean task

“I don’t”, you said. He separated from you, only to release you from your tunic, and he did the same with his own. You helped him, touching his skin.

It was so soft, so hard in the right places, and even softer in others. The sunlight shone through the window and it casted a magical glow over his beautiful skin. Age lines were starting to surge through his skin, which only accentuated his handsome, manly features, if anything, he was aging like fine wine, getting more handsome as the months went by. 

He gently led you on your back again, as he kneeled on the bed. your first instinct was to hide your nakedness, but the hungry gaze he was giving you made you feel so desired you didn’t, you let him look, watching him back with equal measure of excitement in your eyes. 

The only thing still clinging to his frame was his subligaria, but his fingers took care of it promptly. 

 You had seen many, in mosaics, in drawings, in paintings, in male slaves in the market, but all of them paled against him, even Priapus and his depictions in Pompeii would seem… flacid and small, to what was now standing in front of you, 

He didn’t give you more time to gaze upon him, he pounced on you, kissing you, taking his place on top of you. 

His hands were everywhere, on your sides, on your breasts, on your tights. It was all consuming and overwhelming in the best possible ways.

It felt like you were drunk on something stronger than wine. 

You felt him, in your core, it was so hard but so soft at the same time, it was scary, yet you felt an incredible need, a desire for him. He separated from you, only to look at your face while he entered you.

You whined in pain, as he spread you open slowly, but he didn’t stop, and you were thankful for that. 

You grabbed onto him, the pressure almost unbearable, he hid his face on the crook of your neck, kissing your sensitive skin there, making your head spin. 

And then, he was finally in, all the way. 

You whimpered in his arms, as he made a trail of kisses from your neck, to your jaw, to finally your lips.

He was grunting, like a wounded animal, his muscles around you tense, like he was running a marathon

“For the Gods”, he whined. “Are you alright, my pulchra?”, he asked gently

“Yes”, you whined. “it hurts”

“I know my love”, he whispered, kissing your face, your temple, “only this once”, he promised. 

“You have to do something”, you didn't know why, you were so overwhelmed, he slid out of you, leaving just the tip, and then he just slammed back in, taking all the air out of your lungs. You whined against his mouth but this time, the flames of pleasure started licking your belly, even if it ached from the intrusion. 

He held you as he fucked you, slowly, sensually, he kissed your whined until they turned into moans, he caressed your fists until they became clutching hands wanting to pull him as cloer as humanly possible 

He eventually got more bold, and sloppy with his movements, gaining trust, confidence, until he fucked you troughroughly, grabbing onto you as you were grabbing onto you. 

Finally his movements stalled, he moaned in your ear, his hips snapped against yours one more time. He kissed you again, as he cummed inside you. You grabbed onto his face, the ecstasy too delicious, too overwhelming to let it go. You whined and turned on his hold and he kept you together. Your bodies melted on each other like they belonged together, they did.

You felt so strongly you could die.

Then, he released himself from you, making you moan and thrash in discomfort. He left you but then came back, he spread your legs gently, he wiped you clean of the viscosity and discomfort, and just when you thought he was going to finally leave you, he returned with flowers, jasmines, and food for the both of you.

You ate as you didn’t in centuries, and then you both, accommodated back in the bed, you stuck to his side, your head on his chest, your hand caressing his scarred yet soft skin. 

“A-are you going to leave me in Rome next chance you get?”, you asked him shakily, as he wrapped his arm around you. 

“I’ll take you with me, wherever I go, if it's safe””, he said strongly, caressing the naked skin of your back. 

“Are you going to… are we going to make a family?”, you asked him, he nodded.

“I never thought I’d have children”, he confessed, “I was comfortable with the fact of being the last of my bloodline… for the Gods…. I have no bloodline to speak of, really”, he said sincerely, and that truly surprised you

“Really?”, you asked him

“My parents were farmers, we all lived here”, he said simply, “I was the middle child, I was sent to Rome to become a soldier”

“I didn’t know”, you said gently, with a soft smile

“Are you not disappointed?”, he asked, you shook your head softly. 

“Why would I?”, you asked back

“That our children might not inherit the great house of Acacius?”, he teased, the bare mention of your future children made your skin tingle with anticipation. 

“I don’t care about that”, you assured him, “They’ll inherit what we’ll build, together”, you muttered with a soft smile. He chuckled and squeezed you more tightly against him. 

“If you want it to be me, I’ll give you as many children as you want”, he promised, “I’ll love them, and care for them… we’ll make the most beautiful family you’d ever seen”, you smiled as tears fell down your cheeks.

“Are you going to love me?”, you asked then

“I’ll build my love for you pillar by pillar, stone on stone, I’ll build you the strongest and biggest temple of love you had ever felt”, he promised. 

“You promise?”,you asked him

“I do”, he said surely

“It’s going to take a while, for me to trust you”, you said carefully

“I’ll wait for it as long as I need to, my pulchra”, he whispered, kissing you again. 

Alright, don't come at me, maybe it was too soon for her to fold but you know what? she was so lonely and I was tired of making you all so sad, they needed to get it done already! jeje

“Can we stay here, for today?”, you asked him, touching his chest, touch, always touching him now, the warmth of his skin was something that soothed you, like something you now needed. 

“Well, the medicus did say that I needed to care for my health”, he said teasingly. You smiled, closing your eyes and enjoying the sun sneaking through the window, the warmth of his skin, and the faint smell of the jasmines he had brought you and now laid on the table near the bed. 

“Are you in pain?”, he asked gently, caressing your back, “Did I hurt you?”

“It burns a bit”, you answered softly, truthfully, “but I’m not hurt”, you leaned in and kissed his chest, just above his nipple. “Are you alright with me, touching you?”, you asked

“I am yours to do as you please”, he whispered. You raised your eyebrow as you looked down at his body, there weren't only scars, but spots tainting his tanned body, he was so soft yet so rough at the same time. His age had left marks on his skin, but it felt so natural when you passed your hand over his chest and belly.

You heard his breathing getting heavier, you didn’t understand why until you saw the sheet over his weight… grow… your hand travelled over his belly and abdomen until the fabric was covering him, and you moved it, got it out of the way

His cock was becoming stiffer as you got closer to it.

“Pulchra”, he groaned, but it sounded more like a warning. “You don’t have to”, but you didn’t listen to him, you wrapped your hand around him, making him draw delicious sounds that made your skin prickle. It was odd… something being so hard yet so soft as the finest silk, at the same time.

You squeezed, making him moan in pleasure.

“My love”, he grunted, calling for you, “if you want to do that… you need to…”, you looked at him.

“What?”, he looked at you with those glossy dark brown eyes, like the ones of a pup, “I want to please you”, you explained softly, he grabbed your hand and you let him press it against his lips. Your own breath got caught in your throat when he lewdely licked your fingers. 

When they were wet enough, he wrapped them around his manhood again, with that slick, they rolled up and down his shaft easily, making his moans more pleasure-fueled 

You moaned softly, the whole situation was making your body feel like it was in flames, you didn’t even know what to make of yourself.

“My love”, Acacius whined, and as you looked at his beautiful face contorted in pleasure, you truly saw the man under the armour, you saw your husband, being pleasured by you. In the midst of it, you saw him reprieving himself from something

“What is it?”, you asked

“I need you”, he said, opening his eyes and looking at you, you hadn't stopped your ministrations, which you think is why he was having such a hard time expressing his mind.

“What do you mean?”, you asked innocently, he leaned in and trapped your mouth, kissing you roughly. He turned towards you, grabbing your thigh in his big hand and made you pass it over his legs.

Soon you were on top of him, your hand releasing him to grab onto his shoulders for stability. Your thighs had to be spread wide to accommodate over his hips and not fall over.

“You are not too sore, my love?”, he asked against your lips, you were, but you were more wanting then sore, so you shook you head softly.

“No, I swear it”

“Good”, it was his turn to pleasure you, he made sure you were wet enough, with his thick fingers in between your thighs, and then he wrapped his hand around his shaft, that was conveniently right under you, feeling heavy right against your intimacy.

In this position, you felt strange, like out in the open. Not only because it was midday, the sun shining brightly, letting you see every detail, but because you were right there, exposed on top of him, to his hungry gaze, not as close as the way he took you for the first time.

“You are so beautiful”, he murmured, “my pulchra” 

“You said that twice”, you said folly

“I must mean it then”, you moaned when he entered you, your hips moving instinctively, taking more of him inside you. You both moaned at the same time as the friction and stretch was delicious.

“I can’t believe you kept this from me for months”, you whined making him chuckle darkly. You finally understood it, everything behind the act of sex, the gods, the paintings, the mosaics, everything depicting the act, now you finally understood why.

The pleasure that bloomed right where you were connected extended to the entirety of your body, making you shake, your thighs drenched with your own arousal as you moved slowly over your husband.

This was too new to you, and yet, it felt natural, as you have been doing it for ages 

His hands grabbed you greedily, touching your sides, your breasts, to settle on your hips, you knew he might leave marks as he was grabbing the soft skin there, leading your movements with the control he enjoyed having. 

“For the gods, you are something out of this plane”, he whispered 

Once you both reached the elysium fields, you collapsed on top of him, and he hugged you against his chest, caressing your sweaty back 

“I’m never parting ways with you again”, he said.

As a young woman, you had been warmed of the sweet words that come from men in ecstasy, and that you’d do well not to take them seriously, but you couldn’t help but put down your wall a bit more as you were held in his arms.

And it was harder not to believe them when you realised that once you left your rooms (somewhere in the afternoon the next day), Acacius had been right there next to you. He came with you to the kitchens, you ate together, he would sit in the garden as you gardened, he would go with you on a walk to go and see Luna and her foal.

And you were silent no more, he would ask you things in turn. 

Now he knew you had a very sheltered life in Rome, so instead he would ask about your thoughts, about what you had read, about what you wanted to do.

In turn, you’d ask him about his travels.

You realised he didn’t enjoy speaking about the battles and conquest, but rather the places and people he came across. The different cultures he had met. 

You spend your time thinking that this is what it should have been like, after you got married, you should have left Rome for the countryside and you should have started your marriage just like this. 

And now you were suddenly overthinking everything.

For how long was this going to last?

You had been accustomed by now to be alone, terribly alone, now he was there like a shadow, the change so brutal that it made your head spin. You were so happy now you were starting to be afraid you’d lose his company again.

The contrast was so notorious, you didn’t want to go back to that loneliness, and that made you nervous. When he was not within your eyesight you started experiencing anxiety. But in every turn, even without realising it, he was there. Watching you with those soft dark eyes of his, a gaze, you’d realise, kept solely for you. 

But he left today, in the middle of the morning, he didn’t tell you were he went, just that there was something that required his attention, and he left with a giddy smile and a quick trot of his horse.

He might have said something to the servants, because they were running from one side of the villa to the other, and soon, the whole triclinium all the way to the atrium was surrounded by a delicious smell. They were cooking something good.

Your questions were not answered until two hours later, as the sun watch in the garden would reveal, when Marcus came back with Cecilia and her husband, her babe, and an entourage of servants railing after them

“My love”, she greeted, kissing both of your cheeks, “you look positively radiant!”

Your cheeks heated just by thinking to the reason why

“Thank you”, you murmured gently

“Your handsome husband here promised us a day of relaxation and fun”, she said with a cheeky smile, “and you… are going to tell me all the gossip”.

It had been some sort of surprise, as Acacius smiled gently as the servants packed you a heavy lunch and carried it to the edge of the lake. Finally, you had the opportunity to see it.

After walking along the shore and hear Cecilia yapping about the patrician women of Rome (ones she now frequented after marrying her husband and her trip to Sicily) you had finally found a moment alone, when both men decided to walk along the shore, talking business (despite promises made), and Cecilia send her servants away.

“You seem so much better”, she said in a careful whisper, “that when I saw you a week ago”

“Well, much had changed”, you offered, as those tempestuous eyes of her couldn’t be fooled 

“Like?”, she encouraged 

“I was untruthful to you”, you said carefully, her child babbled, grabbing onto her skirts, the wind flew slowly and warmly, you both found yourselves under a tent, resting over thick fabrics placed for your comfort. “Acacius and I… weren’t alright”

“Oh yeah, I could tell”, she said with a knowing look, you look back at her wide eyed

“Really?”

“Oh darling, you are many things, a good liar, is not one of them”, she said, without wiping that smirk off her face

“Oh”, you lamented

“But I take that whatever was going on was fixed”, she teased

“Oh yes”, you said happily, she shrieked, making her child jump in his place, playing wit wooden figurines

“So… “, she encouraged yet again

“We might be giving your child a life-long friend soon, or bride”, she applauded, being comically imitated by her son, who giggled happily, his thick curls jumping as he applauded with his chubby arms.

“So before”

“He hadn’t touched me”, you said carefully, “only after i confronted him after you left is when he realised, how lonely I had been, he never consummated the marriage, and then he left for Hispania…”, you wanted to omit the part in which he loved your mother, only thinking about it made your skin crawl.

“What? Why didn’t he?”, she asked

“Well, I believe it was because he didn’t want to pressure me”, you said. The naughtiness returned to her face

“So…”

“So?”, you asked her, confused.

“Is he or is he not… a very virile man?”, she said in a cackle. You wanted to hide your face in the sand and she threw your own phrase back in your face.

“Yes he is”, you admitted, your voice muffled by your hands

She laughed and applauded again. 

Her son, Julius, applauded again, giggling happily, you couldn’t help it, and scoop him up in your arms playfully, making him giggle even more

“You are just like your mother”, you grunted playfully, “just a bundle of giggles”

He was so sweet

And that is how Acacius and Cecilia’s husband found you, giggling and gossiping, and this time… you did recognize the look Marcus gave you when he saw you with a child in your arms. This was going to be a very fun night with your husband, you’d gather. 

The rest of the day was spend playing in the shore, splashing in the water, Marcus grabbing you, pulling you with him into the waters, before you could admit to him that you did not know how to swim, he catched you in his arms squeezing you against his chest, as he kissed the side of your face. You gazed upon his face, kissed by the afternoon sun, lines around his big smile, those kind eyes of him, gleaming with happiness. You looked to your friend and found a similar image, she was being tackled by her husband into the water, she screeched as she fell into the water.

It was one of those moments you wished you could live forever in. 

. . .

You were watching your husband like a hawk as you brushed your hair, and he undressed, waiting for the moment he was going to give up his act and jump you hungrily. You were looking forward to it, slicked between your thighs. 

But he did not have the same look on his face as he looked at you, he almost seemed troubled as he paced around the room, once he had changed into his sleeping robes. 

“What’s wrong?”, you asked him, setting the brush on the table. He finally looked at you and took a big sigh. 

“You know Cecilia’s husband is a member of the senate… and he was there last week”, he said softly, “even though though I have little less of half a year left at the command of the Legions, I need to…”, he paused, studying your face in detail, as he was afraid of how you were going to react, “go back to Hispania”, he said slowly and quietly, watching you intently.

You only nodded, with an unreadable expression on your face. You expected this, sort of…

“So, when do we leave?”, you asked nonchalantly, but of course he caught it, immediately

“We?”, he asked, a smile creeping on his face

“You are not leaving me again”, you said curtly, “you promised me, Acacius”, you said severely

“I know”, he said with a soft smile, he dared to remove a lock of hair from your face, taking advantage and touching the skin of your cheek

“We are going to Hispania, then”, he said with a soft smile, you smiled widely

“Can’t wait”, you pronounced proudly. He leaned in and trapped your lips with his on a chaste kiss

“Your mother is going to kill me”, he said, without wiping the smile from his face, “for taking you away from Rome, away from the soft shade of the Empire”

“She’ll understand”, you said back with a soft smile, you leaned in and kissed him in turn, and he hummed against your lips. “Now will you have me?”, you asked him, “I recognized that look in your eyes, you had when you were watching me”

“Oh really?”

“Oh yeah”, you gasped when he grabbed you, making you around his hips with your legs, and led you to the bed.

“I’ll show you how virile I am”, he grunted playfully against your lips.

You had such beautiful dreams that when you opened your eyes and saw out of the window at the warm sun falling over the garden, you smiled.

Since Cecilia’s wedding a week ago you had been like walking on clouds, some day soon Lucius was going to ask your mother for your hand in marriage, his father was going to give a proposal your mother was not going to be able to refuse. And you sighed contented at the very thought of it. Although Summer was ending, fall was quickly upon you.

Your thoughts were interrupted by a soft knock. 

“Good morning love”, you smiled as you saw your mother entering your rooms, after letting herself be known. 

“Well, good morning mother”, you greeted with a soft smile. You knew her, better than she believed, and you knew there was something bothering her, and that had to do with you, but you didn’t press her.

“Why don’t you get dressed, and we eat something in the gardens?”, she asked softly. You only nodded.

Maids came inside and helped you get dressed, they fixed your hair, and helped you put on fine gold jewelry in your arms and fingers. 

Then you were escorted by your very mother Lucilla to the garden that was in the center of the villa. You took a seat at the table right in the edge of the fountain, its magical sounds of running water always put a smile on your face, and the day was set to be beautiful, you enjoyed the warm morning sun, still not as scolding like midday, while the maids brought you delicious food to eat. 

You started right away, and then you noticed your mother wasn’t eating, she was looking at you in the way that she wanted to know your very thoughts, so you interrupted your assault on the breads, cheeses and honey, and gave her your undivided attention. 

“After much thought…”, she began, looking at you with what you recognized was that look she gave you, when you had done something naughty but in an innocent way, and she was trying to explain what you had done wrong and why. “I have decided who you must marry”, she said carefully.

You smiled widely, but that is what concerned her, even though you didn’t know it then

“Really? Has Lucius’ father already spoken to you?”, you asked her, excited for what the Parcae might have weaved for your destiny 

“No my love”, she said gently, she moved uncomfortably on her set weight next to you, caressing your arm. You didn't hide your disappointment, but you trusted your mother above anyone else.

It had always been her and you, since Lucius was sent away, since your grandfather and then uncle perished. She had raised you alone, with caring hands and soft words, mostly in the country, or in the very guts of Rome itself. Under the shadow of the imperial palace.

You were excited to get married, since your mother told you it was time, that you were old enough and a bit more, you wanted to fall in love with your husband, to have beautiful children, to have a villa to call your own home, to love and be loved, to secure a place in this world, for you, for your mother, for your family.

Your mother has also spoken to you about it, numerous times, about Rome, about what it could be, and you wanted to be a part of that, marry a good man that could help you in building it, for everyone to come. So now, as your mother had chosen a husband for you, you knew it had to be the very best man in the Empire

“Is it Publio Cornelio Scipio?”, you asked then, to help ease her tongue, as she seemed visibly concerned. You were equally excited for the Patrician man, you haven't personally met him, but he had divorced his wife recently and his exploits as General of the Empire were legendary. You had seen him engaging your mother in conversation in the latest event.

“No…”, she chuckled softly

“Is it…?”

“Amica mea”, she chided softly, you closed your mouth and you looked back at your mother wide eyed 

“I’m sorry”, you mouthed, as you couldn’t hide your excitement, she chuckled, easing her nerves.

“You must marry… Marcus Acacius”, she said softly, and you couldn’t hide your surprise.

You truly didn’t know how to feel about that. 

“General Marcus Acacius?”, you asked her, frowning, she nodded, you called upon the image of him to the forefront of your mind.

One of the greatest generals of Rome, you saw his face as clear as day, as he was standing right in front of you. He had a memorable face, you thought, he was very handsome, with that prominent nose of his, symbol of his long patrician lineage, and those sweet dark eyes. He was tall and broad, with those dark curls, a bit tainted by time… 

You found yourself smiling softly

He was handsome, from a good family, he was powerful, he was older than you, as you thought he was the same age as your mother, but it could be worse, you believed. 

“Dear”, your mother called, she couldn't identify the face you had made. She was trying hard to read your thoughts

“Why?”, you asked her then looking at her with curiosity

“I believe him to be the right man for you”, she said, “he will protect you, he was a dear friend to your father, and a loyal soldier to your grandfather”, she said gently, “and he is my dearest friend, I trust him with you”, she explained, “I believe he will care for you, as I would”

“Oh”, you muttered simply. “But… Did he ask you for my hand?”, you asked then, as he would never even look in your direction, you had never thought of a moment in which he had given any signs of… wanting you, wanting to marry you.

“Well…”, she began, she again looked conflicted, “yes”, she said then, smiling softly, “he asked me personally, and I couldn’t refuse him”, she assured you, and that made your stomach flutter, as it was filled with butterflies  

“He did?”, you asked, the excitement returning to your face

“Yes my darling”, she whispered happily. A small lie, what wrong could possibly come from it?

You look down again, thinking about Lucius, about the future you had fantasized about, about what he had said

“But… Lucius…”, you mumbled, “he said his father was going to speak to you”, you murmured, looking up at her

“I know my love”, she said with a soft smile, she grabbed your hand softly, her face got serious all of a sudden, “but I do not trust them”, she said firmly, “you are the granddaughter of Marcus Aurelius”, she said, “your blood is the one of emperors and empresses”, she said, “that cannot be taken lightly…” 

“Are you saying that Lucius would have tried to… manipulate me?”, you asked, “use me?”, it was odd, this feeling that settled in your chest, you had never seen your mother like this, so worried, so… so… decisive. She had never spoken to you like this either, never spoken about such things

Her silence spoke volumes so you just lowered your eyesight back to your lap, playing with your fingers nervously.

“Are you certain?”, you just asked dumbly, “that…”

“I cannot take that chance”, she said, sometimes, a very few times, her tranquil voice unnerved you, “you are one of the two most important people to me, I cannot trust just anybody with you, my love, my daughter”, your mother never mentioned your brother, not anymore, so her only implying it made you realise how much she wanted this.

She had your best interests at heart, did she not? she was your mother, the person you loved the most, you had to trust her, above anyone else.

But Lucius, the handsome man you liked… you shook your head softly, you then raised your eyes to look at your mother

“I’ll marry Marcus Acacius mother”, you whispered, she smiled, contently

“You won’t regret it, my love”, she said, “he’ll be joining us this afternoon, to begin the preparations for the betrothal”, that was incredibly fast, you thought.

It was ominous, as the summer was ending. If you wanted to marry this year, it had to be soon, before the winter. 

That made you feel lightheaded 

Now your mother seemed visibly relaxed, smiling softly. She ate fruits and pieces of bread, she would find you staring, and just smile at you.

An uneasy feel settled in your chest, but… you believed it was the obvious nervousness of the whole ordeal.

You were set to marry General Marcus Acacius 

And he was coming to your home. 

You didn’t know how to feel, you certainly were truly nervous, as you finished your breakfast slowly, alongside your mother, who didn’t seem less nervous than before you told you about her decision. 

As you wanted the midday to last as much as it could, the sun moved relentlessly through the skies, the day went by and suddenly guards were telling you they had spotted a commitive led by Marcus up the Via.

You were fidgeting so much your mother grabbed your hand reassuringly, stopping your nervous movements with your fingers, you raised your eyes to look at her and she smiled softly at you, nodding surely, you returned the gesture, only for you both to turn towards the doors that opened slowly, through which appeared the general himself.

He was a sight, with or without the armour he looked just as imposing.

“My lady”, he grabbed your mother’s hand first, and kissed it, smiling at her and she smiled at him brightly back, then he turned to you.

The way he looked at you… you couldn’t read it, you couldn’t find anything within those dark eyes, but he grabbed the hand you offered him and kissed it too, his gaze not leaving yours

“My lady”, he repeated

“General”, you greeted back, even more nervous now that you had him at arm’s length 

“You should call me Marcus”, he said softly, finally drawing a small smile for you, you smiled back

“Yes… Marcus”, it sounded so strange in your mouth, so raw, without his rank as the distinctive.

“Let’s take to the gardens”, it was your mother’s favorite place in the villa, as was yours. She insisted you two sat next to one another on the round wooden table. His presence was warm, imposing, he wasn’t even touching you and you could feel the heat emanating from him. Your mother seemed more relaxed, as since she told you of her intentions she had been walking from one place to another, making the maids cook a rich lunch and clean all around the villa, as if Marcus Acacius was going to look under each furniture looking for lint rabbits. 

The very thought of the General kneeled down on the floor looking under the triclinium made you stifle a little giggle. Both of them looked at you, but only your mother just smiled at you, content.

But as you looked up at Marcus and smiled at him, you realised that he paid you little mind before he turned to your mother.

You watched attentively, but they engaged in conversation between themselves, more than with you, he spoke about his latest campaigns at the north of Gaul, known as Gallia Belgica, you listened attentively at his experiences, you found it fascinating.

Before your tutor retired, he would teach you about history and geography, things some normally would teach a male heir, and not a girl like yourself, but you enjoyed it so much, your mother allowed it, maybe even encouraged it. 

But soon you’d realise that no matter how many questions you had, neither Marcus nor your mother would give you space to ask them. So you got quiet and played nervously with the rings in your fingers.

Have you forgotten yourself? Were you supposed to keep your mouth quiet? Was that the proper thing to do? you had forgotten all about it. You had never attempted to entertain a future husband before… But you couldn’t help but wonder if you had done something wrong?

As it was only you and your mother, and you didn't have a father, you didn’t really understand how the betrothal and marriage was supposed to come to be, since you didn’t have  a paterfamilias, and your mother couldn’t fill that role, no matter she was the daughter of an emperor, no matter if she was still called a Princess by the people of Rome who adored her. 

So you couldn’t quite know, right now… you found it odd, as you watched them speaking with smiles on their faces… but, since it was you he wanted to marry, the one he proposed to, shouldn’t he be trying to make conversation with you?

Well… you guessed everything had to go through your mother first, he was being courteous, it was customary, was it not?

When his gaze found you, you realized you had been staring at him, like a little girl who believed to be in love. So you lowered your gaze to the table in front of you. You heard him emit a low chuckle, and kept speaking with Lucilla

Eventually your mother seemed to remember you were there, she turned to you and directed the conversation towards you

“I think it would be best for you both to get married as soon as we can make it happen”, she said. Marcus’ face turn serious all of a sudden, turning to you

“It would be my greatest honour, to marry you, my lady”, he said, the second time he directed his words to you the whole afternoon

“As it would be mine… Marcus”, you said with a shy smile, finally raising your gaze to meet him.

“The betrothal must take place first, but…”, she hesitated, “we need to seek the blessing from the Gods”

“You mean the emperors?”, asked Marcus, his tone was laced with seriousness

“We must”, she said

When your uncle passed, with no male heirs of his own, the senate gathered after a hundred years to decide the fate of Rome, one among them raised, taking power… he did not please the senate and he was killed, after 87 days in the throne, then came another, chosen by the senate, but not by the armies, that one lasted 66 days before he was killed by the generals. 

Then came Septimio Severus, he had the power of the military, o he threatened the Senate, and he remained in power for ten years, until last year, where he passed by natural causes, or so they say, leaving in power his twin sons Caracalla and Geta 

A different dynasty from yours… but…

“Little sister!”, greeted Caraclla as he saw you passing through the huge gates of the imperial palace. You had gone straight after the meeting in your house, after all, they were close as both your Villa and the Imperial palace was atop Palatine HIll.

They received you in the entrance hall, where a beautiful big pond was across the room and was decorated with marble statues and plants and flowers. It was a magnificent room that led to the main Via of Rome. 

The twins stood together, dressed in gold and heavy jewelry, as they used to do, the unique colour of their hairs was accentuated by a simple gold crown. 

You just stood still with a soft smile as Geta grabbed you, kissing both your cheeks 

“Salve, my sister”, he said, nodding at you, you smiled brightly at him, he went to greet your mother as Caracalla giggled at you.

“Salve, little one”, he said, even though they were only a couple years older than you. 

“Lucilla dear, you are always a vision”, said Geta, “General”, he greeted them.

The twins looked so out of place, you thought, like yourself, when you played dress up with your mothers tunics and gowns. But they were emperors, fitting properly in their robes or not.

“We present ourselves today, to ask for your blessings for a union of marriage”, your mother started with a soft smile

“For you?”, asked Caracalla, looking at your mother, then at Marcus, “it was time…”

“No, for my daughter, and General Acacius”, she said then, and Geta turned straight to you with a shocked look on his face. Caracalla behind him giggled, sitting himself on the reclinium behind him.

“Is this your will?”, asked the older brother, more concerned for the matter at hand as Caracalla, who seemed bored to be here, like he had been drawn out of bed. 

“Yes”, you said simply, smiling at him reassuringly, turning to Geta, who seemed truly concerned, he then turned and saw Marcus, standing there very firm and stiff, his eyes locked in the older Emperor. Geta then turned to you again with the question still lingering in his mouth. “Marcus Acacius is a great man, a hero of Rome, and I want to marry him”, you said, with a firmness that surprised even you, “this marriage will bring stability to my family, and to Rome”. Geta was pleased then, smiling brightly 

“You are a princess of Rome!”, he said, pointing at you, “granddaughter to an emperor, and myself, as emperor…”, Carcalla giggled by Geta’s side, interrupting him, making the oldest twin look at his brother with anger, but then he turned back again to you theatrically, arms wide open, “I am your paterfamilias, the leader of your Imperial household, and as such…“, he raised one of his fingers with chunky gold rings, he looked at Acacius and smiled widely, he took two long, slow paces and grabbed the general’s face making you wince, “I’ll allow it, I’ll allow this marriage, between the littlest princess of Rome, and our best General Marcus Justus Acacius”, he chanted, slapping the chest of your future husband, and then finally releasing him. 

You were surprised how impassive Marcus seemed, even though Geta was squishing his cheeks he didn’t move an inch or made a face. 

“Feliciter!”, giggled Caracalla, it was barely after midday and yet… he seemed… like he had indulged a bit too much in his wine. 

“Let me host the betrothal party”, said Geta. Back to Lucilla, who was smiling softly

“You honor us, emperor”, said Acacius firmly

“Yes! party! exactly what we needed”, the younger brother giggled yet again, as he seemed to pick up just what he wanted from the conversation. As you gazed upon him now, he seemed… paler than when you last saw him.

They were a bit older than you, and you remembered playing with them in the royal palace when their father and mother still lived, shortly after he came to power. A lot of things have happened since then. 

As you looked at Acacius, you wondered how he felt, how he really wanted to do this, as he stood impassive, with that serious look on his face, his gaze lost at some point in the wall behind you.

Although you wouldn’t know what to say to him, you found yourself wanting to speak to him, for him to talk to you, all the words towards you were cordial, and you wondered if that’s the way it went with the other marriages around important families, if it was supposed to  be this… formal

You found yourself wondering if the betrothal with Lucius would have gone the same way. 

“A party with the most important families of Rome”, said Caracalla, “in honour of the little princess of Rome, and our best General”, he sentenced, “and games as well! for the wedding! for next week!”

“So soon?”, Marcus’ voice truly surprised you then

“Why would you want to make your future bride wait any longer?”, asked Geta, almost mockingly

“We were thinking Ianuarii for the wedding”, [January] interfered Lucilla, “as is the most prosperous months for marriages to come”

“Fine!”, relented Geta, “but the betrothal is happening here”, he insisted, “a week from now”

You nodded, contended. You were barely in September

More than a celebration you felt like this whole chain of events was a chariot led by wild horses in a chariot race, once the race began, there was no stopping it

You always knew you were going to get married, although you never pictured being this way.

It was a day like any other, since last week you had not seen Acacius, and that ade feel uneasy. Ws he ever the patient, calculated man? Was he not nervous as you were? You guessed he wasn’t, he was a seasoned soldier and now general, he had fought in wars and conquered cities, and you were a young woman. 

But the way he wouldn’t even show a pinch of emotions really made you feel uneasy, nothing? not a warm look your way?

So now you were even more nervous, as the maids fixed your hair. It was only the betrothal today, you were not getting married but you were going to promise to do it. You were going to exchange gifts and sign the pact.

“You look beautiful”, muttered your mother, caressing your shoulders, looking at you through the polished metal you used as a mirror

“I’m not wearing anything special”, you whispered, a bit shy, only a white tunic with red and gold lining, and beautiful jewelry your mother lent you. Your hair was covered by a thin golden veil. 

The day was beautiful, and the sun was hiding in the horizon when you met in the imperial gardens, with the emperors, Marcus Acacius, and many witnesses, members of the Senate, and other important figures 

Marcus stood before you, dressed in deep red and golden jewelry, his curly hair was lustrous and seemed soft to the touch. You felt your cheeks heated at the very thought of combing his curls with your fingers

You stood in front of him, and by the side of Geta, who was preceding the short ceremony 

What separated you from the guests was a big golden table, beautifully carved with the figures of the Shewolf, eagles and Laurels. 

Your stomach was twisted in knots since you woke up, not like you slept many hours anyways, and no soft encouraging words from your mother could change that. You were getting betrothed to be wed today, you were standing beside the man himself. Soon everyone got quiet, and the ceremony began. 

“I, Marcus Justus Acacius, promise to take (Y/N) Aurelia Verus into marriage”, he said loudly, as he was commanding his army, he raised his arm, in your direction, he looked at you with soft eyes, and you felt your hand embarrassingly sticky with your sweat. You looked at Geta expectantly, so he then smiled at you too. 

“I, Publius Septimius Geta, promise to deliver my good sister (Y/N) Aurelia Verus to the manus of Marcus Justus Acacius, to be married”, he spoke out loud and proud, with a hint of amusement in his voice, he then grabbed your hand and placed it atop Marcus extended one, “and give a dowry of a hundred thousand Denarii”, you heard exclamations from the public at that was a gigantic amount, even Marcus seemed uncomfortable by it. 

You then heard applause, but you didn’t care, as Marcus Acacius gave you a golden ring, with a precious stone in it. He placed it in the third finger on your left hand, and you smiled at him brightly

“For my future wife”, Marcus said then, he signaled with his arm behind him and two soldiers brought forwards a beautiful mare, with silver coat and strands, you smiled widely.

“She’s beautiful”, you exclaimed, and when you looked back at him you found him smiling at you warmly, it made your stomach flutter. Even Geta disappeared as you connected with Marcus in the ceremony, nobody else in existence but the both of you. 

“My gift is a bit smaller”, you whispered, you presented him the ring your mother gave you, it was a gold band with a beautiful opal stone, “It was my grandfather’s”, you whispered only for his ears, as Geta retreated a couple of paces. 

The face he made was priceless, as he looked carefully at the inside of the ring, as your grandfather's name was carved next to a former general of Rome he cared deeply for. He placed it on his finger himself

“Thank you”, he said firmly, you beamed at him

“We need you to sign this”, the Vestalis Maxima herself approached you, “the contract, for your marriage to come”, she placed a parchment atop the ceremonial table, and you both signed with your names.

It was the contract. 

It was done.

Come January, you were going to marry General Marcus Justus Acacius

You watched as the ink dried, making the words indelible, so were so entertained that you barely noticed Acacius approach you.

He placed his hands and cradled your face, making you look at him, he caressed your jaw with a single finger, and then he leaned in and sealed your promise of a union with a kiss

You had completely forgotten it was coming, but here it was. 

You had never kissed anyone before, his lips felt so soft against yours, so gently, like the touch of a feather. You became so lightheaded that you grabbed onto his forearms for balance. Just as it started it ended, he separated from you slowly, gently putting you out of the spell he casted on you. 

“It is done!”, Geta exclaimed, Caracalla giggled and clapped his hands together, only then the people applauded too. Marcus placed his hand on your forearm, directing you back to the people. All the senators were there, friends of your mother, and then… you found Lucius and his father Consus Licinio Craso, and he did not seem pleased at all. You were saddened you didn’t get to marry Lucius, but at the same time, you felt guilty for even thinking it, as you were now going to marry Marcus.

He was a good man, he deserved that you tried, that you tried to be a good wife, to give him everything you could.

You paid them no mind as your mother came to congratulate you, as the senators and everyone there. 

The only one you did not see was Lucius, he came to you after, finding you alone in the gardens, smelling the jasmines after everyone went inside the palace for a feast. 

“It was supposed to be us”, Lucius said with glossy eyes, you raised your eyes to meet his gaze. He had surprised you.

“I’m sorry”, you whispered, “he came and neither my mother or Geta opposed”, you explained, he looked down at you with his sad big eyes, “he is my mother's dear friend, always has been”, you said then

“Yes it makes sense, everyone knows he was very close to your mother, many say he is her lover”, he threw that for you out of nowhere, making you open your mouth widely

“I know you are angry”, you said firmly, “but I advice you to not do this now”, he sighed loudly

“Is he truly what you want?”, he asked then. 

“It is was has been chosen for me”, you said with a soft smile, to pressure him, “he will make me happy”, you said

“Not as I would have”, he assured you, “my father is angry… he was preparing to make a big offer, he prepared a Trirremi fixed with golden statues for us to…”

“I’m sorry Lucius”, you interrupted him, he got quiet, you could tell he was frustrated

You were interrupted again as a voice called your name, you looked back to find Marcus standing in the entrance of the garden, and he did not seemed pleased to find you alone with Lucius Licinius Craso

MASTERLIST

Notes: Alright so… marriage in ancient Rome was like that, if the marriage didn’t bring you security and benefits, you did not marry! just like that, well at lest for the most “prominent” families.

YES I KNOW MANY NAMES REPEAT THEMSELVES BUT THAT’S ANCIENT ROME FOR YA, and yes I know reader isn’t the sister to the twin emperors, I hope that was more clear… jeje just clarifying

I wanted to play in all that “sheltered life” for reader, and she is well… a bit childish because of it

 some people (other than our main characters) are real historical roman figures!! the Scipions are the coolest family of Ancient Rome but sadly they are somewhat extinct by the time of Gladiator II timeline, as was Marcus Licinius Craso, he was alive at the time of Spartaco! bananas! anyways… but this is fanfiction, MY FANFICTION! muahaha so yeah… If you want to read the story about the Scipios and the Punic wars… and you love historical novels as do I… you should read “Africanus”, which is the first part of the trilogy by Santiago Posteguillo. They are the best books I have ever read. 

Anyways, hope to see you in the next chapter! love you all!

“What are they feeding you Luna, uh?”, you teased, as you found her very round in her midsection, she neighed in answer, she even looked angry, and that made you giggle.

At the next stall, a huge black stallion nighed angrily, threatening to kick the wooden door

“I’m sorry if he startled you”, Marcus said by your side, making you startle instead

“He is yours?”, you asked, surprised, as you tried to calm Luna

“Yes”, as he approached him, the huge beast seemed to calm down, only when he spoke lowly to him.

“What’s his name?”, you asked him

“incitatus”, he answered

“Like Emperor Caligula’s horse?”, you asked him, he smiled as he petted his snout

“Yes, just like him”, you smiled widely. “Are you ready?”, he asked, he took a few steps until he was almost pressed against you, but you took a step away from him with a shy smile

“Yes”, you said quickly, as you kept looking at your horse

“I think Luna is in foal”, he said with a soft smile

“What?”, you asked him

“She is pregnant”, he clarified, petting her, your felt your cheeks heated

“I think she might be eating too much”, you offered with a smile, “but if she is, would the trip be bad for her?”, you asked him

“No, it’s not far”, he said softly.

He was healthy again, and yet, his softness towards you hadn't dwindled, and it was getting on your nerves. He was staring at you, touching you ever so gently, he would smile dreamily at you, and you didn’t know what to do.

And now? you were going with him to the countryside, both of you, alone. 

In the middle of nowhere 

Marcus’ servant brought forth both horses behind you as you left the stables, you were going to go inside the carriage and Luna was going to walk slowly behind it. 

Marcus was going to be inside the carriage too, with you, closed in. 

You didn’t understand why your heart was beating so fast.

You climbed in the beautifully carved carriage, and Marcus was soon to follow behind you. You were nervous, and not even sure why. You haven’t even spoken to your mother before you left, Marcus just sent someone ahead of you, a servant, to let her know you were leaving.

The last thing you said to her was for her to leave you alone that day you collapsed on Valeriana. 

But then again, it was because she had married you to the man that loved her and she knew about it, you didn’t quite want to get in touch with her…. But again, you never confronted Marcus, you were letting that secret rot inside you like a disease instead of letting it all out.

The man himself sat just by your side, your side stuck to his. 

You looked at his profile and he turned immediately to look back at you and smiled warmly. You felt like an idiot as you gazed upon him. The lines that started drawing his manly face, in the corners of his eyes. But just barely… Her dark locks, so curly and soft looking. 

You bit your lip and looked away from him.

It discouraged him, he was not going to lie, but he took a long breath and grabbed your hand that was resting in your lap.

You almost jumped at the touch but then you let him.

“You are going to love it”, he promised, “in the country, I know you will”, your eyes followed him up to his face again

“I have never left Rome before”, you said gently, and he seemed truly surprised, and then, for a single moment, he looked sad.

It was difficult for you to come to terms with the fact that you and your mother had been prisoners of the Empire, of the fleeting emperors. She disguised it well. She made you believe those whispered conversations and changing servants were to her own decision, not because she had to. It was like something had been taken from you, now that you had come to realize.

Like you weren’t so innocent anymore

“Now you can”, he offered, squeezing your hand, making your gaze meeting his again. “I can take you wherever you want to go”, you turned again to look out the small window and to the streets of Rome.

You didn't believe him. 

But now you did believe him when he said you were going to love it. 

The journey had been brief, just a couple of hours, but the road, so close to ome, was well built and taken care of, and the scenery was beautiful, green pastures, tall trees, hills and cattle pasturing down in valleys surrounding the road

And then soon, you arrive in Marcus’ lands. 

The scenery was beautiful, Marcus pointed to his side of the carriage and you leaned over him to see the villa atop a small hill, on the other side you could see the lake. It was surrounded by beautiful trees and from here you could tell there were different kinds of fruit trees  and maybe some olive trees. A dirt road led them to the house, cypresses shielding one side of it. 

And the Villa? As soon the carriage turned around it stopped in a small courtyard and you could finally see it fully. It wasn’t as big as your home in Rome, but you could tell it was cozy. 

It had two floors, and Marcus was quick to lead you inside. The big open space is the first thing you see when you enter, all across the atrium and the garden in the middle. The impluvium was in the garden itself. Right beyond it, there was the kitchens and servant quarters 

The rest of the rooms were all around the open space. And the stairs led to what you guessed was the main room. 

Unlike your rooms in Marcus’ domus, this ones were indeed decorated and painted, the house was way more lively, beautiful wild flowers were where they could grow, and a beautiful wall flower was taking a hold in two of the four pillars that decorated the atrium and the squared garden in the middle of the house. 

“I know is not much… but”, he stared behind you

“Its beautiful”, you said simply, from the triclinium on the left, there was a big window from which you could see a beautiful valley, there was a fence around it, almost in the horizon, you just looked as one of Marcus’ guards released your horses in there, and they wasted no time in walking freely, they even trotted around for a bit until they settled in different places and started to graze. 

“You can sleep upstairs”, he said behind you, you turned to look at him, surprised, “there is one room down here”, he said, pointing towards the other side of the atrium. You didn’t know why you were disappointed, but you were.

You could see how conflicted he was as he said it, but he was the one who opened his mouth to say it, you were not going to be sharing a room with him, not now, nor ever. 

Marcus, apparently, had 5 servants in this Villa, he had decided not to bring neither Thulia nor Diana, as they were needed to keep the house tidy back in Rome, and you missed them, as the nice looking ladies didn’t even bother to look at you, as they seemed afraid of you or something, they just nodded at you and moved quickly and quietly. 

took a tour of every room in the villa, and then you went upstairs.

The main room was big and cozy, took up the whole of the second floor, two big windows on each side, the sun was already on its way down towards the horizon, and the view was breathtaking, you could see the lake from here. 

You unloaded the trunk you had brought with your tunics and shoes. And put your things in a wooden closet in the corner. 

Marcus was right, again, you liked it, just by being here, you enjoyed it so much, a new place, a cozy place, no matter how hard you tried you couldn’t hear anything but crickets singing in the distance, maybe the howling of a wolf.

No drunken fights, nor the sounds of hooves or chariot races, nor people shouting to sell their goods, nor even people speaking loudly or chatting, nor singers or dancers or ladies of the night, nor nothing.

The tranquil country made a huge contrast against the insanity of living in the entrails of Rome herself. 

The sun fell over you as you were having a light dinner with Marcus, in which he chatted casually about what he intended to do while being here…. about his short future back in Rome. It’s been about five months since he was made consul, he had half a year with the title so he was truly analyzing if it was worth it to try and go back to Hispania, so far he had named one of his generals as a deputy in his honor and he was leading the legions against the rebels just fine without him.

You really hoped that whatever was coming your way, it would be better for you.

That night, the first night, you slept upstairs, alone.

It was a bit cold, you had to place an extra wool cover on top of you, but other than that, you couldn’t help but smile as you thought about all the possibilities and things you could do here.

You slept like a baby, and even slept in a bit, as you realised when you woke up that the sun was already shining strongly over the lake, it was the middle of the morning. You didn’t even felt a bit guilty like when you just got married, by the sounds you could hear you knew the entire villa was up and about doing things around the place, but you.

You stood up from the bed feeling completely rested.

Could you pick some fruits today from the trees? Could you plant something? feed some animals? Maybe go to the lake? swim? you didn't know how to, but you’d like to learn

As you pondered what were you going to do for the day, you looked out the window, at the field where Luna was, you could spot her in a second, her silvery colour gleaming under the sun. But as you looked more carefully, you noticed she was laying on the grass. She seemed to be struggling with something, then she stood so quickly you thought you had imagined it.

She galloped in desperation, moving her legs strangely, then she layed back on the grass

Was she sick?

You frowned, not caring that you were wearing a thin tunic you wore to sleep, you ran down the stairs and then to the field. Not caring that you passed a surprised Marcus on your way.

It felt freeing, those moments you spend running down the hill through the grass. But you didn’t feel like it as you were running towards your sick horse. You heard her neighing in struggle, and you felt your heart thump so fast you could barely tell what was really happening. 

“Luna?”, you called, laying on the grass right next to her. She was struggling, but it looked like she was… like she was…

She was breathing heavily, moving her legs, you tried to caress her face, her neck, and when she felt you she seemed to calm herself, and finally, with a last struggle, you watched in awe how she gave birth to a little foal, and you couldn’t believe what you were witnessing.

“Wife”, You felt Marcus hands on your shoulders and he leaned down towards you. You were sitting in the grass and you did not care that you were barely dressed, your tunic had rode up your legs as you were petting your horse, her big head resting in your lap.

Luna, even though she just gave birth, stood up heavily, and was quick to turn to her beautiful baby and help him

“Carefull”, he said, trying to help you up,  but you didn’t care as you watched Luna clean her foal. The baby was black as night, a spitting image of… You looked to the next field where Marcus’ stallion was neighing angrily, standing on his two back legs and galloping all over the fence.

“He is beautiful”, you whispered with a soft smile on your face, as you witnessed the baby’s first breaths, released from his mother’s placenta. 

“I think I know who the father is," Marcus whispered apologetically. “Wife, we should head back inside”, his hands didn’t leave her shoulders, as he kept you close to him

“Not yet”, you whispered absentmindedly. You stood there with Marcus by your side for what felt like hours.

You even managed to watch the little foal’s first wobbly steps, aided by his mother.

His or her, whatever it was, the foal was beautiful. 

Finally you let Marcus lead you back to the house, and yet you couldn’t stop smiling. 

You finally got dressed in the simplest tunic you had, you fixed your hair in a lower braid, you didn't even care to put on jewelry and you placed your most comfortable sandals. You coaxed the servants to let you go with them to pick up apples and oranges from the trees around the property, you enjoyed the beautiful day and the delightful smells of the trees and flowers. You enjoyed the quiet except for a subtle noise that came from an animal of the whistle of the soft breeze against the branches of the nearby trees. You felt like you had perished, and went to the Elysium fields, maybe they were as beautiful as this.

On the side of the villa that was towards the lake, a cobblestone pathway even led there… was what it looked like an abandoned garden, you could see a fountain beneath the overgrown grass and vines… and if you looked closely enough you could see the outlines of a planned garden… that was left unattended

Maybe you could do something about it… 

So knees to the dirt you went and started ripping vines and tall grass. A servant even brought you supplies to aid you in doing some gardening.

You were so determined you didn't even notice it was getting dark, as you worked and cleaned and got rid of the weeds

“Nobody tended to this garden since my mother”, you jumped in your place by the fountain when you heard Marcus, who was looking a you with a smile on his face.

“Your mother?”, you asked, surprised

“Yes, we used to live here, when I was young”, he said softly.

You stood up from the ground, now embarrassed, you were so dirty and… common looking. But the smile on Marcus’ face didn’t dwindled for a second

“This is your childhood home?”, you asked, truly surprised, he nodded, and there it was, those adoring eyes again looking at you like you were a beautiful sculpture decorating an imperial garden

“Yes it was”, he said with a soft tone, he offered you his hand and you took it, “let’s go back inside, its getting chilly”

“Sure”

“Do you want me to have a bath fix for you?”, he asked softly, and you nodded, a bit ashamed, you indeed where all dirty

“I would like that”, you said softly.

Of course he didn't join you in the bath he had made for you, but as it was already spring the essences of the water were mostly fresh flowers and it was delightful, truly, truly enjoyable. 

This was just the first day of a wonderful week you spend in the country, you had settled in some sort of routine, you’d see Luna and her foal in the mornings, then you’d pick fruits and vegetables for lunch, you’d help prepare it, and then in the afternoon when the sun didn’t hit as much, you tended to the garden.

You had made great advances in it.

You haven’t even gone to the lake yet… You didn’t want to go alone and Marcus wouldn’t even accompany you, he didn’t say no, but he didn’t offer and you didn’t want to bother him

He spent his time caring for the administrative part of the property, he would take rides on Incitatus in the afternoons, and you really appreciated the fact that he didn't invite you, you didn’t want to push Luna yet, she was recuperating. 

You just caught her foal this morning trying to neigh, it was the sweetest thing ever. You really had to name him. You’d like Marcus’ insight on it, but you didn’t want to bother him, besides, you didn't even know if it was a boy or a girl.

You were coming out of the bath, the sun was barely shining on the horizon, when Marcus came to you with a wide smile on your face, met you on your way up to your room. 

“I have a surprise for you”, he said softly

“A surprise?”, you asked him

“Sort of”, he said softly, walking back towards the main door, that was just on the other side of the atrium you were standing up. He opened the door dramatically.

And there she was

“Cecilia?”, you asked loudly, she screeched as soon as she crossed the threshold with her arms wide open to receive you within them. You ran to her embrace and she kissed both your cheeks. “I thought you were in Sicily!”

“It's been too long! I missed you! I came back for you!”, she said loudly, making your ears ring, but you didn’t care as you held your dearest friend in your arms.

When you both released each other, you turned to your respective husbands, who were greeting each other. He was a senator, Marcus was in the high circles of Rome, of course they were both friends. More career friends than military friends or family friends. 

But if that is what brought you together with your friend, you were better for it.

“Thank you, general, for inviting us into your home”, he said firmly, you greeted him with kisses on both cheeks as well.

Two servants, followed the couple closely, they were probably their body slaves, and yet, the woman was carrying a beautiful baby.

“Is that…?”, you asked her. 

“I have so much to tell you!”, she said quickly. 

“Let’s leave our beautiful wives to their schemes Acacius”, he said, “led me to where the good wine is”, Marcus chuckled politely and left towards what you guessed was his study

“Let’s take a seat”, she said, “the road from Pompous’ villa was exhausting”, you led her back to the triclinium, where the servants were quick to put out a small spread on the table for you to enjoy. . 

You made yourselves comfortable on the recliners as she began to speak about what happened since you last saw her, her life in Catania, and how she now, was a mother… you were at it for a couple of hours, just talking about her life, you asked her as many questions as you could think of, not really wanting for her to ask you back. You didn’t felt like sharing of what your life was like, it wasn’t as glamorous as hers, nor have you faced so many changes as her.You had been married for six months, she for over a year, she was now a mother, and your husband hasn't even bed you yet

You haven’t even had sex yet

Ever

So you started thinking about better things, sweeter things.

Like that sweet baby boy.

Cecilia had her servant bring him into the room at your insistence, and he was the sweetest thing. You hadn't remembered the last time you had interacted with a babe, always being surrounded by adults. 

“He is beautiful”, you whispered, as you played with the child in your lap, he was chubby, and had two squishable cheeks. Healthy and big baby boy. With dark locks on his head and big dark eyes shaped like almonds, for a second, a brief second, you´d think it was Marcus’ child and not Cecilia’s, “were your labors easy?”, you asked shyly.

She had been your friend since you had a memory, but for some reason, as she had become a wife and mother, rather than feeling of her same age, you felt like an ignorant child in front of a grown patrician woman

“No, he actually ripped me open, it was the most excruciating pain I ever felt in my entire life”, she said, as her eyes reflected, she was being taken back to that fateful day. “But it was worth it”, she said then, looking at her son hopefully, but she recuperated quickly, and looked up at you with a soft smile. “You´ll have your own child soon enough, right? They´ll be friends, maybe get married? wouldn't that be nice?”, it came so, so fast you couldn´t stop the face you put on, of incredible despair, you wanted to throw up

“Yes, of course”, you muttered quietly, after composing yourself.

“What's the matter?”, she asked innocently, then her face was tainted with mischievousness, “Don’t tell me the mightiest general in the Roman Empire is… not… well indulged?”, your face of complete horror made her laugh, “is he impotent? He is of old age”, she whispered, leaning onto you, her inquisitive eyes almost made you spit out the truth… that you wouldn't know.

This was certainly an opportunity, of letting go of the anger and frustration, of the complete embarrassment you had been suffering and of how inadequate and deceived you felt… a small vengeance, for your wounded pride, and your broken heart… and yet… blemishing Marcus’ name didn’t felt right at all despite everything and how he condemned you to this life of solitude.

You wanted to tell her; you wanted to tell her the truth…

That your whole marriage was a lie

That your husband wouldn't even touch you, didn't even want you

That he would have your mother instead

That you wanted to go and throw yourself in the sea and sink to never resurface

But you couldn't do that, so you shook your head softly

“He is a very virile man”, you said finally, faking a smile, pretending that your face twisted by the lie was actually embarrassment, shyness even of what you were admitting. Your friend screeched as she applauded happily, “and of the same age as your own husband”, you added raising one of your eyebrows, “if I recall”, you finished, she giggled

“Of course, I know, I know… look how you are getting yourself all bothered”, she said with a giggle, “If he is a virile man, then… Why are you so nervous?”, she asked then, slapping your arm playfully

“Well, so, what if…”, you paused, you of course knew that if your husband did not ´lay’ with you, there was no possible way that you might get with child, but you were already deep in the lie… “what if it doesn't work?”, you asked then

“Why wouldn´t it?”, she asked, “does he not… finish inside you?”

“Yes”, you answered shakily, quickly, “but… what if I can't give him a child anyways?”

“You know, it's never your fault, as it’s not the earth but the seed planted on it”, she said with a sufficient smile on her lips. 

You wanted to cry

You were never going to have a family of your own, your own baby, to call you momma, to reach for you with their chubby hands and arms, looking at you with the eyes of his handsome father. As the beautiful baby you had in your arms

Another thing they took from you. 

Maybe when Acacius… you felt horrible just thinking about it.

Divorce was a thing… maybe one day…

But the fault of the divorce would fall on you, as the woman who was never able to give him children. And then… no man would ever want you, no matter who your mother is. 

“I think is time…”, you jumped on your place when Acacius voice ranged through the hall, “...that you part ways with our noble guest”, he said softly, but you had learned to read him, he was angry, maybe even upset, “it’s getting late, the roads are treacherous”. His eyes never departed from you, he even seemed surprised to see you holding a babe in your arms.

The babe reached for his mother’s arms and you passed him on to her. 

Cecilia’s husband came shortly after, his eyes lit up with love and devotion as he gazed upon your friend and his son, your gut twisted with envy as you looked at him embracing his wife, even though they were parted for a couple of hours.

This is all you ever wanted

A husband that adores you, that can give you a home, children, a family. 

“We are staying in our villa, on the other side of the lake”, she said quickly, “we will meet again soon”

“I’ll like nothing more”, you said hopefully, as you alongside Marcus led them to the entrance.

Cecilia looked back at you, and then at Marcus, she gazed upon him with an interested gaze and then turned to you and winked. You couldn’t believe the audacity, Marcus could clearly see it. 

You sighed loudly, as you saw them part waving hands, getting into their carriage, you stood at the entrance of the villa until you saw them disappear down the road.

The sunset was to be beautiful

You didn’t know the stiffness of his shoulders was because he had in fact heard the whole thing

Heard the whole conversation

He heard the hesitation in your voice when your friend asked you, he had heard the disheartened lies you spewed, he saw your face that could only be seen in a funeral.

Lucilla’s words fell over him like a bucket of ice cold water. 

If you are not going to do this right, don’t do this at all

We are breaking her heart

He watched you go back inside, your head lowered and face twisted in conflict. 

As he looked at you being like that, he bitterly remembered those days before he left for Hispania, how you were, looking completely miserable, he recognized the sadness in your eyes so quickly it hurt him. 

“What was that?”, he asked, you looked up at him, surprised, as his question came so quickly his tone wasn’t as warm or calm as he would like. 

“What?”, you asked, confused for his suddenness

“What’s wrong?”, he asked 

“Nothing”, everything, really. Now on top of everything you felt horrible. You had been having such a great week, in the countryside, in Marcus' childhood home, he has been nothing but kind and accommodating…. and now you were feeling distraught because of your jealousy towards your dearest friend. 

To your surprise, he followed you up the stairs to the second floor, and you couldn’t help but feel nervous. What did he want?

“Please”, he pleaded in a hushed whisper, as you entered the space of the second floor, “talk to me”

“It's nothing”, you whispered, trying to ignore him, but nervousness was flaring up in your skin. 

“It doesn’t seem like nothing”, he murmured, he reached for you, grabbing you softly by your upper arms, you had no choice but to look up at him to meet his eyes, “tell me”, you shook your head softly

“It's nothing really, its… childish”

“It doesn’t seem childish to me”, he encouraged 

“I just have to come to terms with some things”, you said then, “that some dreams might never come true for me, and… it's fine”, he truly seemed to think about what you just said, his dark eyes searching frantically for answers outside the window, but then again he turned to you

“As your husband…”, he started, gently, as he was speaking to a child, “it is my job to make sure your dreams do come true”, with heated cheeks you lowered your face, to avoid looking at him.

How do you tell your husband who doesn’t want you, that you want children from him?

That one of those dreams was to have a family of your own?

That ugly feeling of humiliation and embarrassment came crawling back to you, taking a hold on you and not letting you go. But Acacius was not letting go of you either, you guessed he was tired of your childishness, tired of you not talking to him, not communicating, and he didn’t seem to let go

“Please, give voice to those desires so I can aid you in accomplishing them”, he begged some more as he saw your hesitation

“I…”, you wanted to tell him, so you took a long breath and you looked up at him, he seemed surprised of your new found strength, “My friend’s marriage, you were there”, you started, he nodded, “well, back then I wished to marry as well, and well, I had this conception of love and marriage, and…”, now you couldn’t find the right words to voice your concerns, “well, I always thought I’d marry for love, and devotion, and that from that love I could… have my own family, children I mean”, you whispered the last part, losing your bravery, gazing at your feet instead of your husband’s eyes.

His hold seemed to tighten in your skin, but his lack of words hurt you more than anything. 

“I told you it was childish”, you whispered, trying to take a step back, trying to release yourself from his hold, only as you began to struggle he released you, whispering your name as if it was a plea for mercy. “how could I possibly have my own family if my husband won’t even bed me”.

You didn’t know if it was the wine you had with Cecilia, or the jealousy, or bitterness, or Marcus’ silence, or the rage that it caused or everything combined…. but you couldn’t believe you actually muttered those words.

But they were like a bucket of icy cold water had been thrown over Marcus. 

“What?”

“I want to rest”, you interrupted him, wanting him to leave your room, but he stood there, unmovable. 

“We need to talk”, he said

“I don’t think it's necessary”, you muttered angrily. You had started something and you didn’t know how to stop it, nor the anger that was bubbling over the edge 

“You were so happy, to come here, to the country, and when we first arrived you seemed happy”, he said, he looked so disheartened you felt a bit guilty… almost. 

“I was”, you said simply

“Then what happened?”, he asked then

“Why do you care about my happiness?”, you didn't like the tone that came out of your mouth

“I’m your husband”, you couldn’t help the bitter chuckle that left your mouth

“Are you?”, you asked back

“What is that supposed to mean?”, he asked angrily

“You never consummated the marriage”, you said, “you barely look at me, you don’t want anything to do with me, you don’t even like me”, he looked like he was about to cry

“That’s not true”, he said, shaking his head slowly 

“I don’t know why you married me in the first place, when you wished to marry my mother instead”, his face was like a mask from a Greek tragedy, his mouth twisted in a horrified way, not being able to believe what he was hearing. 

“What? No, I…”

“I heard you”, you whispered, he frowned, brows knitted in concern, “when you were high with fever, you whispered my mother’s name”, you explained, he froze, his kind eyes wide with surprise, “you whispered how much you loved her, like a long lost lover”

“I swear, I don’t even remember…”

“You are so very cruel, Acacius”, you said, and he seemed as surprised as you by your words, “marrying me because you couldn’t marry my own mother”, your voice broke at the last sentence, “and she knew, and allowed it”, you said with a twisted smile on your face, “did she not want to marry you?”, you interrupted him, “Is that why you marry me instead?”

“No”, he said softly, trying to reach you, “I swear, that’s not the reason, I never proposed marriage to your mother…”, he said desperately 

“But you did love her”, you said

“Yes”, he admitted, and it hurt more than you believed it was going to. “But I swear to you, I would never act upon it, never did, especially since we were betrothed”, you looked at him, trying to justify himself, tripping over his own words, the general long lost, only a man stood in front of you. 

“Then why did you marry me?”, you asked him, not really knowing what you were expecting to hear, if he admitted it to be some sick obsession or something, you didn’t know what you were going to do. 

But as he talked, he made it seem like… you raised your eyes to look at his concerned face

“You never asked for my hand, did you?”, you asked him, he frowned

“No… I…”, he said it as gently as he could, but you felt like you had taken an arrow through your chest. “Your mother asked me”, more tears fell down your cheeks and you couldn’t stifle a sob that ripped your chest open. Marcus took a step forward,  he wanted to reach you so badly, but you took a step back. 

She had lied to you, she knew how much the fact that he was the one that wanted to marry you meant to you, so she lied, so you would go willingly into a loveless marriage. Why would she do that?

“I’m sorry”, you cried. Finally his arms wrapped around you

“You have nothing to be sorry for”, he said, his voice strangled. 

“You didn't even want this”, you cried, “why would you accept? why would she do this to me?”, and that phrase left your lips, you made it seem like being married to him was the worst thing to ever happen to you. 

“No…”, he whispered, but not very convinced either, “your mother would have never made me do something I didn't want to do”, he said surely, “I thought I could take care of you, protect you”

“I wanted a husband”, you accused, releasing yourself from your hold, “not a glorified guard”, he flinched, “If you couldn't give me that, the least you could have done is save us both some heartache, and just say no!”

“Your mother felt like you were in danger, and I was the only one she trusted enough with you”, he explained, “and I thought I could do it for her”

“That doesn't make it any better”, you said, heartbrokenly. You took a long breath, trying to calm yourself

“It’s like I’m playing a game I’m set to lose, that I never stood a chance to begin with”, you cried

“No”, he said more firmly, “that’s not true”, he said. 

“This isn’t fair”, you couldn’t hold the tears anymore, “to be married to someone who won’t even try to love me”, you whispered, “Am I really that awful? that unlovable?”

“No”, he said quickly, “you are beautiful, and kind, and smart, and…”

“And yet…”, you mocked him, as more tears fell down your cheeks, “it's been six months”, you threw in his face, “and my husband hasn't even touched me”, he couldn’t believe the words that were coming out of your mouth much more than you. “You know how humiliating it has been?”, you asked.

A single tear fell down his cheek.

He didn’t say anything, he didn’t defend himself, “I don’t deserve this”, you whined, you felt like a little child, but as of right now you didn’t care anymore, you didn't care what he thought, you didn’t care at all, “I really don’t, I want to love, I want to be loved”, you cried desperately.

He took two steps to meet you again, he grabbed your face in his big hands, and clashed your lips with his, swallowing all your tears, all your sobs. 

PCN: Remember that this took place 10 years BEFORE Gladiator II, and Marcus is in his 40’s in this :D OK SO THERE IT WAS! THE SO LOOKED FORWARDS CONFRONTATION! MUAHAHA

the way I CLEANED my doc, I have no more scenes written after this chapter, it contains my favorite kind of scenes, the ones I write because I see them so clearly and I written them down with nothing, no context around them... UUUHHH anyways... but don't you worry, I know exactly with what this is going to end and that will give me direction

Looking back now, it all made sense

The conversations between them, the looks they shared, the complicity. 

What you couldn’t wrap your mind around… was…

Why?

Was your mother oblivious to the fact that he loved her? you really doubted it, she was one of the smartest people you ever met. She was cunning and she always seemed to be planning ahead, and she couldn't tell her alleged best friend was looking at her like he could kiss the floor she was about to walk in?

The next thing you were asking yourself was… where did you come into play? Why did Marcus want to marry you? Is it true that they were lovers like the entirety of Rome seems to believe? Then again… why?

You seemed to have lost track of time, you even dozed for a little while, but you were shaking awake by Diana, if she wasn’t smiling, you’d be scared because of the way she awakened you from your slumber 

“What’s happening?”, you whined, rubbing your eyes

“The dominus is awake, domina”, she said with an excited smile, “he asked for you”. That truly surprised you. You stood up from the bed, you were still groggy, but you took a long gulp of the water you kept in your bedside table, and then you took a long breath.

You didn’t even think about what you heard him mumble in his fever, not now, if you brought those memories and the thoughts that came after back, you were not going to be able to face him right now. 

With practiced stoicism you walked back to his rooms, you realised this was the third time you had been here, they stood like the rest of the Villa when you came here, impersonal, plain, lifeless, except, he was there now, laying on his bed, smiling at you when you walked in.

You entered the space as you would enemy territory, not sure what to expect. but he signaled for you to come near, next to him, you did, you even sat at the very space you were yesterday. 

As you gazed upon him you were surprised to see the same man you had married six months ago, only paler, and hairier, he had this sickness clinging to his skin but other than that, he was the same man. but his hair and beard had grown a bit, by what his man told you, he had been feeling poorly soon after he reached Terraco, maybe he didn’t have the time to groom himself. 

“Wife”, he called, with a weak smile, “you stand as an apparition in front of me”, he seemed honest, but he sounded the same when he whined your mother’s name in a whisper of love. 

“I’m glad you are recovering your health, husband”, you offered, feeling your chest tightening.

“All thanks to you, the medicus told me”, he said, you wanted to cry, he seemed so honest, he grabbed your wrist, caressing the skin there, awaking goosebumps with his touch, “you brought me back with your caring hands”, he said.

Three months ago, you would have done anything for your husband to give that look that seemed too similar to adoration, but now it made your stomach turn.

“It was my duty”, you said with a soft smile

“You know… all those nights in Hispania, the only thing I thought about was you”, he confessed, you felt like someone squeezed your heart, “the thought of returning to you”

“Acacius…”, it felt like a plea for mercy

“I thought you called me Marcus”, he said with a dreamy smile. “The next time, I will bring you with me”, he assured you. “I won’t leave you here, I give you my word”, he promised, 

And you couldn’t understand his sudden change of attitude, not after his feverish confession. Was it all it was? the fever speaking on his behalf? it didn’t seem like it, it seemed like it was a very heartfelt confession, yet, there he was, looking at you like you were a divine being. 

“It’s alright”, you assured him, was he truly sick? Was he still feverish? Was he dying?

His words made your head spin, as they contradicted completely what he had mumbled in his sleep. It wasn’t odd that people murmured nonsense where they were going through a fever, you had heard it, but this particular phrase… regarding your mother… truly got to you.

Was there any truth to it at all?

“But I’m being truthful”, you mindlessly touched his forehead, to feel the temperature there, he closed his eyes, seemingly enjoying your caress, and you felt a mix of relief and concern. He catched your other hand in his too, with his big warm hands, he caressed the back of your with his thumbs.

You couldn’t believe what was happening.

“I believe you”, you said with a soft smile, you didn’t, not quite, but you were better than to upset a sick man. 

“How was your mother’s wedding?”, he asked, and that made you squeeze his hands, not even conscious about it. You looked into his eyes for any sign, for anything that would tell you he was upset about it. He loved your mother, now you understood why he was so quick to leave Rome…

“It was beautiful”, you said, and you found yourself wanting to hurt him. “She is now in Greece, on a beautiful boat made of gold”, to your complete surprise, he smiled, he seemed content.

“Good”, he croaked, his voice strained by the sickness he had caught, “she deserves a resemblance of peace, of safety”, he mumbled, and he truly seemed relieved.

“She does”, you tried, and smiled at him, softly. “I should fix you something to eat”, you said then, after a strange silence, an uncomfortable silence. But he didn’t let you free yourself from his grasp

“Thulia can bring us something”, he said dismissively 

“Are you feeling well, husband?”, you asked fearfully, he chuckled, and you found yourself liking the sound

“Never better, I swear it”, he said softly.

“I had Diana place offerings in the altar of Salus”, you whispered

“I’m sure she acted through your hands”, he said, you nodded, feeling strange, feeling completely lost for words or actions. His hands felt so warm and so good that you started to feel scared of the contact, of the way he looked at you.

Why? Why was he acting like this?

“You should rest husband”, you said softly

“I have been resting, for days”, he said, still with that silly smile on his face. 

“Acacius”, you began

“Marcus”, he corrected

You wanted to shout at him, to stop, to stop looking at you like that, like you were the most beautiful thing. He didn’t mean it, he only was thankful to you because you took his fever away. This was something… cruel… trying to give you hope. 

As he looked at you, he nodded slowly, he gave your hands a last squeeze and released them

“Thank you, wife”, he said softly, “Now more than ever I’m sure you were sent by the gods”, there was so much you wanted to ask him, to talk about, about Hispania, about what was going to happen now, in the middle of his consulate, was he going back out there? 

Diana entered with a soft smile on her face, bringing a bowl, by the smell you could tell it was soup, with pieces of lamb and vegetables, and Thulia had learned that you enjoyed a handful of oats with it, and she now added it to her delicious soup each time. 

You received the soup with your hands, scooted closer to him, and you started feeding him. 

He moaned with satisfaction at the taste of it, it was a good soup, you liked it.

“It was you”, he said, “the oats”, you nodded with a soft smile, “Delicious”, he said, he kept looking at you with those eyes of his, those beautiful brown eyes, that looked like those of a pup. You tried not to gaze at him too long.

You were feeling so many things you truly did not know how to deal.

You had been so scared for his life, then completely heartbroken for his dazed confession, then relieved that he was fine, and he was looking fine, and now you were trying to hold it together, to not fall for this…act… that he was performing. 

It had to be, right?

He looked so lovestruck, but again, it might as well be gratitude. 

Not love.

He didn’t love you, he loved your mother.

“You are going to recuperate your strength in no time”, you said, as he ate the last of the big bowl of soup. 

“thanks to you”, he insisted.

“Please husband”, you whispered, “you should rest”, you could tell he didn’t want to, but again, you could tell he knew that was a bit childish, so he barely nodded.

“You are going to be here when I wake up?”, he asked

“I will”, you promised him, “to give you some more of that horrible medicine that honestly I think is what made you wake up”, you teased, and you surprised yourself with it. He would have chuckled too, but he dozed off pretty quickly 

Once you made sure he was asleep normally, and breathing fine, you stood up from the side of his bed and you exited the room with the empty bowl in your hands.

Trying to hold the tears 

It was ironic, lately you felt as childish as ever, it was like you were a small child again, the days when you couldn’t hold the tears, you remembered a particular occasion, when you fell the last three steps of the marble stairs of the palace when you were playing with Lucius, and you broke in pitiful sobs. You were becoming a young woman, you were eleven, and yet, you fell down. More than hurt you felt humiliated, and that you’d realise, made you feel worse. Because you cried so much, legionnaires, a pretor who was visiting, and your uncle himself came to your rescue, treating you with reverence and care, as if you were a delicate doll.

That made you cry fat tears with even more sentiment.

This was like that.

You felt humiliation biting at your heels in every turn since you got married.

There was truth in his words, in each of them.

This trip, even though it ended endangering his health, it has served as a true revelation for him. 

From the second that he left you in that harbour that fateful day, he started to feel guilty, terribly guilty, about leaving you like this, you were clearly upset, and he was leaving early because he didn’t want to attend your mother’s wedding. 

Now that he was looking back at that moment, he found himself wanting to have done things in a completely different way. 

For once, he thought he was truly going to die if he witnessed Lucilla’s wedding to another man, but he was surprised to realise  while on the very journey, that he felt more guilty about the way he left you, than the fact she was marrying altogether. 

For seconds, he wished he had stayed, with you, as you had asked him to take you with him, and he had refused, you were right, many generals took their wives, and right again when you pointed out that Terraco was completely under the Roman Rule, the city had been founded by Romans, and it was true you were going to be safe.

So, in a third place, he had wished that he had stayed longer, to witness the wedding, and then, to take you with him after. He felt like you could be there for one another, that you would have soothed his pain, that you would have helped him to process this.

Like he believed before, he was mourning, and one of the things that let him realize this, is the fact that he found himself missing you.

For every mile that he travelled he found himself more and more plagued with thoughts of you… of your beautiful face that he left in the harbour, of the beautiful you looked on your wedding day, of the sweetness of your voice, of the way your eyes shined when you spoke about something you liked…

Then he felt conflicted.

Lucilla had asked him to marry you for him to protect you, not from him to… take advantage of you, not for him to defile you and lust over you.

He felt terribly guilty that day, when catched you in the bath.

He truly felt like the luckiest man on earth, even if for brief seconds. To be married to you, for having a beautiful wife that wanted to take a bath with him, that wanted him. 

You were the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. You were so willing, those first days, so full of hope. But he, using all of his strength earned in battles and wars, all his temple, had to break his heart to break yours.

He couldn’t do that to you.

You were married to him for him to protect you while he and Lucilla returned Rome to what it was supposed to be, not for him to take advantage of you. 

And then, he got so sick that honestly he thought he was going to die.

While they crossed the Mediterranean he honestly thought he was going to die, the ship moved over the tempestuous waves white the sails got windswept. The only thing he thought about, was your face, was the way he was going to leave you alone, meaning, more lonely than he left you already, he was going to leave you unprotected 

And then he woke up, all the way back in Rome, and that it had been you, the only one who was able to bring him back. If it was you instead of the medicus the first face he saw when he came back, he could have sworn he was dead.

But it was real.

You were so beautiful, sitting there on his bed, by his side, nursing him back to health, feeding him, touching his forehead. Caring for him.

How could he have been so blind?

It was you, this whole time.

Lucilla never loved him, not like he used to love her anyways. 

Yes, used to.

The only thing in his mind had been you, this whole time. 

And when he woke up, the sun was barely rising in the horizon. He took a long breath and when the first thing he felt was hunger, he knew, he was completely healed.

It was like magic, you, an enchantress who had bewitched him and healed him with her beautiful magic. 

He rose from the bed, a bit groggy, but hungry and empowered by the thought of looking at your beautiful face. And when he exited his room and walked through the hallway… he was certain of your magical powers.

His house… his villa… had turned into this beautiful and colourful temple.

He remembered your face, the night you had married, how you looked around.

He did not come from wealth, he was not the son of some patrician man, or a senator, he had to raise himself, and this is the house he had bought when he reached a point in his career he couldn’t keep living in the Insula he had grown up in.

So he bought this house from a Senator who had fallen from grace, it had been abandoned for years, and he hadn’t dedicated himself into turning it into a real home, he didn’t know how, he didn’t have the time.

The first time he saw you in contrast with those empty walls his stomach turned.

You looked like a beautiful flower he had plucked from the garden and placed here, in the place that lacked everything beautiful and cozy. 

But at the same time, he knew you could turn this house around to your image and liking. To do whatever you wanted with it. 

And you had… he stopped on his tracks when he found some man he didn’t recognize, barefoot, working in one of the pools, the one in the atrium, that was more decorative than 

When he came close to it he couldn’t believe what he was seeing.

The image drawn in the pool….

“Stop right there!”, he froze at the rushed words coming from the shoeless man himself. He had stopped him with a flick of his hand. And Marcus was about to give him a piece of his mind, that a simple mosaicist had no business commanding a general of the empire of Rome, but then the crazy looking man was looking at him.

“You have the most patrician face i have ever seen”

“I am the dominus of this house”, he said strongly

“Yes! that you are”, he said, and was smiling like he had just discovered fire, “I couldn’t find what I was lacking in my composition but now it's obvious!” he said, grabbing his graying hairs.

Marcus shook his head and tried to ignore the image of your nakedness, forever embedded in stone, to keep looking at the rest of the house, of the beautiful paintings that now decorated the walls, of the beautiful garden you were growing in the heart of the villa, the tasteful furniture that now decorated every corner, the beautiful colors of fabrics and tapestries that hung as well.

He didn’t even care that his arcs might be empty by now.

His villa, your villa, was now a home… a place where a couple lived. That smelled delicious and looked devine, being a faithful portrait of the delicate and great taste of the domina of the house, of you. 

He was so in awe, he jumped when the doors of the entrance opened widely, to reveal a man who, by the looks of it, had run all the way to his house.

He was breathing heavily, sweating copiously, and when his eyes found him, his greeted him with a signal of his arm. 

“Salve, General Acacius”, he said quickly

“Salve”, by his fancy clothes he knew who might this man work for

“I’m an envoy of the greatest Consus Licinio Craso”, he said solemnly, “and his Wife, Lucilla, she has returned from Greece, and would come to eat super at the news of the General’s arrival”, Marcus barely nodded.

“We’ll expect her at sundown” he said, “please, serve yourself some water and food”, he said, the man nodded in appreciation and got lost on his way to the kitchen.

He found you in his own study, which you had also made beautiful, reading some scrolls he didn’t recognize, so you might have bought them as well. There were rests of breakfasts on the table, and he smiled at the way you were concentrating on reading that scroll, that from where he stood, looked like it was written in Greek. 

When you saw him, you jumped in place

“You shouldn’t be out of bed, Acacius”, you said hastily

“Marcus”, he insisted, but a smile was placed on his face, “I’m feeling much better”, he said quickly. “the house…”, he started. you looked at him in expectation, and maybe a bit of fear, losing the bravado you had gained in his absence

“You don’t…?”

“I love it”, he said quickly, and again… those damn eyes… looking at you… like that… “I’m so glad you make it yours, as you should have…”, he said, his breathing was heavy, his eyes dilated, he must still feel awful, you thought

“Please, go back to bed”, you murmured, taking a stand from his wooden table he used as a desk 

“I feel great”, he said with a soft smile, “I do”, you smiled

“I’m glad”, you offered, “but please…?”, you asked him, you grabbed his bicep, his skin warm under your tact, but not feverish, just… a healthy temperature, he let himself be dragged by you back to his room.

He noticed, a bit sadly, that his room was the only one in the house with no “you” in it. you haven't dared to come inside it while he wasn’t there, the thought made him sad. 

He gingerly let you lead him back into his bed, and he watched in awe as you commanded the house, Diana and Thulia now looked like his most trusted men, ready to fulfill his every command in the battlefield.

In minutes, he had a spread of food around him in his bed, and you had taken your place by his side.

Yes, your place, your rightful place by his side.

As Marcus looked at you help set his breakfast he wanted to be selfish, he found himself not caring about the age difference, about his mission, about how he was supposed to protect you. He cared about you as his wife, as the matron of his house, about… the future he could have with you.

Maybe he was still sick.

He wanted to let go of it all, of all that made him who he was, so he can finally take what he wanted, and not what he should… so he could treat you like his wife, and you could truly be a married couple with everything that entailed…

Everything…

You stuttered your movements because he was watching you so candidly, but you tried to ignore him as best as you could

And that look he gave you.

“Your mother…”, he started, as you had a bowl of food in your lap ready to help him, you stopped in your tracks, not ready for whatever there was to say, “is back”

“How do you…?”

“He sent someone ahead”, he said with a soft smile, “she is coming for dinner”, he said with a soft smile.

And as you looked into those beautiful dark eyes, and the happiness laying within them.

You started to confirm your suspicious 

He looked so hopeful, that he finally was going to see her again.

She looked for him to tell him she was back, not you.

“I’m glad”, you said, you fed him quickie, you didn’t even understood why though, his arms worked just fine, so you gave him the bowl filled with stew, bread, cheeses, left the pitch of water on the side and ran out of his room, leaving him completely alone.

You no longer cared much, he was safe, he was alive, you had helped in that, you had done your duty… you had no more reason to keep tending to him.

He was disheartened, he was not going to lie to himself, to watch you flee the run like you were being chased by something, but… he took comfort in the thought that you were making this villa your home, you were finding your palace in all of this. 

He didn't catch sight of you for the rest of the day. But he decided to take a bath. He was actually in awe of the paintings he found  in the bath room. 

Depictions of couples engaging in lovemaking, of goddesses and more. 

Is this what you… enjoyed?

He found himself… awakened… His manhood was stiff, making him uncomfortable, the thought of you, of your hands on him, of your naked likeness in the mosaic, of the paintings on the walls.

He also felt sick by only thinking of taking care of it in the bath you also used and enjoyed. so he pulled through it. Getting out of the bath and dressed, thinking about everything he could but your nakedness.

You were meant to be his to protect not to lust over….

That was like his new mantra. 

He thought about war then. About what everything meant, of him not being able to complete his mission, about him being back in Rome only three months after he went to Hispania, the legions were still out there. What was he supposed to do? never in his military career found himself in a similar position, he had never fallen sick and jeopardized his campaign.

What was he supposed to do now?

Meanwhile… you were spiraling.

You had gone with Diana and a faithful guard to the market to buy ingredients for the dinner tonight.

You were now resentful, your mother had let Marcus know, not you, that she was back, did that mean something? you were seeing things everywhere, you were becoming paranoid, and right now, you were focused on serving a delicious meal, to prove to both Marcus and your mother that you now where a grown woman. You actually didn’t know, consciously, what you wanted to achieve, but now you were determined.

And when you returned home, you spent the rest of the day making sure the villa was spotless, trying to stay out of Marcus’ way, who had called in his centurion, his most trusted man, who had come with him back to Rome, for a meeting, maybe one that decided if he was to stay here, or go back to Hispania to finish what he started. 

You felt so conflicted, you didn’t like him being here and acting like… like he was acting with you, and yet, the thought of him leaving again made your stomach turn.

And yet, before you knew it, you were receiving your mother in the Atrium, she wrapped her arms around your frame, pulling you close.

She even smells different, like spices and sea breeze, like lavender and the beach. Then she greeted Marcus, with kisses on both cheeks. Like they had done their entire life, nothing out of the ordinary.

Then why did you feel like someone had your stomach inside their fist and was squeezing?

Her skin had darkened, and she honestly looked happy, more happy, her eyes were shining, and she looked like she was glowing, her hair even looked more golden, if that was even possible, maybe it was the contrast of her tanned skin. 

She gazed upon the new walls of your home with wide eyes of admiration, she looked past the image in the pool in the atrium. 

She praised the way you had fixed the triclinium to accommodate you for dinner, and the spread that was there ready for you all to eat.

Marcus had this proud smile on his face, looking at everything with shiny eyes of admiration, including you.

You did not know what it meant, so you took position, laying on the sofas around a table where you had placed the spread of food. 

You wanted to eat, you were hungry, but as you sat there, looking down at your plate, you couldn't, you couldn’t take a single bite, your stomach clenching inside you. The hunger, as you looked up to your mother and Marcus deep in friendly conversation, turned to sickness, you wanted to throw up.

They were catching up, with his trip, of his health and her recent marriage and trip to Greece, you had always wanted to go to Greece, but alas, you never even left Rome. You looked at Marcus and his eyes were trailed on her. And you wanted to hear what your mother had to say… you did, you wanted to hear all about it, and also about Hispania, since you haven’t asked Marcus, because first he was recuperating and then you were ignoring him, so… 

There was indeed something new about this though, from one second to the next he would turn to you, to gaze upon you, to talk in your direction as well, or rather to see if you were spying attention to what was being said. You were staring at him, at the way he looked at you, and then at the way he turned and looked at your own mother.

Oh gods, where you loosing it?

“You haven’t eaten anything dear”, your mother pointed out with a soft smile, that smile that a bit ago would make you feel guilty for even thinking about something that was wrong, and now? You even resented it

“I'm not hungry”, you mumbled

“You haven't eaten anything since breakfast”, Acacius pointed out

More than your husband he sounded like your father 

“Are you unwell?”, asked Lucilla then, concerned washing her beautiful features, as you gazed upon her, you truly understood Acacius, she was one of the most beautiful women you had ever seen, she stood as Juno, mother of Gods, wife of Jupiter himself, and far removed from her… were you.

They constantly told you that you looked like your father, you didn’t know if that was good or bad, but none ever told you that you looked like your mother. 

That could explain many things…

You snapped back to reality when you felt Acacius´ thick hand enveloping yours, making you jump at the sudden touch, at the sudden warmth

“Should I fetch the medicus?”, he asked, as your mother, the concern twisted his face

“No!”, you said quickly, releasing your hand from Acacius' hold, the rash movement was perceived by your mother, who frowned at it, as both your hands above the table were two mice fighting for a piece of bread, who shouldn't be there in the first place. 

Marcus hand closed, grabbing thin air, still where you left it in between you. “I need some fresh air”, you choked out, your nose prickling with upcoming tears, “Could I be excused?”, You stood anyways, Marcus looked up at you and nodded, barely, eyes shiny and parted lips, as you were breaking his heart simply by leaving the triclinium 

You felt like you couldn't breathe, like there wasn’t enough air. So, you went to the garden, the small garden you had built that was barely blooming 

The sound of crickets far away and water of the fountain immediately soothed you; the air was fresh and smelled incredible, even know, the flowers that Thulia had manage to transplant from another garden outside these walls had manage to take in here, so the smell of jasmine meet you there. You plucked a beautiful flower from the plant near the entrance of the garden, and you sat on the sole stone bench by the fountain, the impluvium

You sank your nose in the soft petals, breathing in the delightful smell.

Your mother always had in hand lavenders, to hide the smell of the people of Rome, but you, as you could, always grabbed a couple of jasmine flowers to soothe your senses. 

As you sat there, hidden by the darkness that shielded the garden of the lights of the house around it, you looked back to where you came from, to the triclinium on the other side of the atrium, looming over you, closing you in, the one that was supposed to become your home, your safe haven, the home to your family, and children. Now you felt suffocated by it, like you couldn’t breathe in there, like you had in your back the weight of the entire building. 

You wanted to escape, to run away, you closed your eyes and you imagined the woods surrounding the west side of the city, the ones you could see from Palatine Hill. And once you were there, at least in your mind, you played a small mental game you used to enjoy when you were little. Surviving in the woods

You imagine you could take your horse, little provisions, and then gallop in the woods until you couldn’t see anymore, you wondered if you could make it out there, alone, could you hunt? Keep yourself warm? Could you hunt down wolves and meat for you to eat? You didn’t even know how to use the bow and arrow… but how hard can it be, really?

Could you find clean water and shelter? 

As a small child, the very thought made you tremble and made you be thankful that you didn’t have to, but right now, the darkness, woods and wolves lurking in the dark seemed much more enticing than staying here… Trapped, trapped, used and betrayed. 

You found your reflection in the water and gaze upon it, your face drawn in the water, it seemed a normal face, the same one you had gaze upon since you could remember, and you wondered what was wrong with you. Why didn’t Marcus want you?

You had many prospects that wanted your hand in marriage, and you could have been loved by any of them. Why did you find yourself married to the only man who didn’t want you?

A tear, followed closely by another ran down your cheeks

You wanted to love and be loved, you had so much love to give your chest burned with emotion, gripping your breaths hostage… this isn't fair… 

Tears turned to gasps, gasps turned to cries, and then to sobs, the water had been released and there was no controlling it anymore. 

“I don’t deserve this!”, you finally cracked, hiding your bitter tears behind the palm of your hands.

You felt so angry, so angry you were shaking.

You felt manipulated, you felt betrayed and used… You were feeling so many things that you believed you were going to snap, your body trying to relieve that tension in uncontrollable shakes.

You started to loose control of your own sobs, so much so you had trouble breathing 

“Domina!”, from a second to the next, Thulia was there in front of you, grabbing you softly by your shoulders, “breathe”, she commanded, and you did just that, took a long breath, she left you for a moment and when she came back she had something in her hand, “drink”, you didn’t even thought about it.

It was strong and smelly, but passing something on your throat made you relax a bit, and as the seconds passed, you realized that she had given you something to… calm yourself. 

And it worked, soon you were crying silently as your airways cleared and you could actually breathe freely. 

“Let me escort you to your room”, she said softly. You tried to shake your head, to say you needed to go back to your mother and husband, your mind became cloudy, the fear of them being together strangely present in your now idled mind. 

But you could barely walk as the seconds passed, but she was stronger than she looked, so she grabbed you and took you to your rooms.

Silence reigned at your departure. Both Marcus and Lucilla following you with their gaze as you left the villa

“What is going on?”, she asked, concerned as she looked at her friend

“I’m not sure”, he whispered, “I will make sure the medicus checks on her”, he assured her

“Is she with child?”, she asked with a small smile on her face

“No”, he said so surely, it made her frown. 

“You should check on her’’, she said after a long pause, he was going to say something, but then Thulia came with urgent eyes, looking straight at Marcus

“The domina was feeling unwell”, she said with warning “I have taken her to her rooms”, they both raised from the sofas quickly, “she is asleep”, she said, and it seemed so odd for Marcus, how could you have gotten sleep so quickly?

“What happened?”, he demanded, with his strong voice that made the sweet servant tremble in front of him.

“She was really upset”, she said, “she couldn’t breathe, so I gave her Valeriana to sleep”, she left quickly after that, leaving the both of them in the triclinium, sharing concerned looks. 

“Acacius”, she called, “did I make the right choice?”, it wasn’t a rhetorical question, her voice was tainted with disappointment, and it broke Marcus’ heart, “are you neglecting her?”, he wouldn’t quite use that word, but right now, as those words washed over him like a tidal wave, he came to the hard realization that maybe he had….

Did he?

“I’m so sorry…”, he whispered, “I thought I could… I thought that letting her have her space and her freedom was going to be enough, to keep her content, and to protect her”, he whispered. 

“Oh Acacius”, she sighed, “you might know how to conquer cities, but you know little of conquering women”, she said with a lament

“Lucilla, I am sorry”, he said, “I am here to protect her…”

“You married her”, she remind him, “I did not intent for you to keep her in a shelf”

“Lucilla”, he did not know what to do with this conversation.

“If you are not going to do this right, don’t do this at all”, she said, “we are breaking her heart Acacius”, she whispered sadly.

And now he didn’t know what to say.

You opened your eyes and you were met with your uncle’s deep piercing gaze, looking down upon you, those ghostly blue eyes, darkened by those deep dark circles under his eyes. 

“Uncle Commodus?”, your childish voice sounded so foreign, “what are you doing?”, you asked after you giggled

“I watch you sleep littlest princess”, he said simply

“Why?”, you asked him

“You sleep so peacefully”, he explained, with that sharp voice of his, “tell me something little one…”, you just looked at him expectantly, “do you sleep so well because you are so loved?”

“Ah!”, you awoke, shaken, sitting on the bed. Your chest ached and you felt your heart beating so hard you thought it was going to come out by your mouth.

It felt so real, like the former Emperor had been right there in front of you. 

When you came to your senses you realized you were in your room, the sun barely gazing upon the horizon. 

Marcus was right there, sitting on an uncomfortable wooden chair, he was asleep but as soon as he sensed you had shifted he opened his eyes slowly. 

Your mother was sitting on the other side of your bed. Had she slept here in your villa last night? Where is she and Marcus?... you looked back at him and you felt nauseous

“What happened?”, you asked, you felt groggy

“You were so upset, Thulia gave you something to make you sleep”, explained your mother, caressing your cheek, but unlike the times before, her touch made you uneasy, it didn’t soothe you.

She must have known

How could she not? you could even tell now as you saw the way Marcus looked at her, so, she must have known he loved her. 

She knew and she married you to him anyway, was all of this just some sick game to her? you never thought she could be so cruel, but the proof was there. 

“How are you feeling?”, your face turned to Acacius, he seemed really concerned. You looked at him, and then back at your mother, only the three of you in the room. 

You wanted to cry again

“I’ll leave you both alone”, said your mother with a shy smile, “I should go back home”.

“Actually…”, you said quickly, “I would like to rest, alone”, you begged them, they exchanged concerned looks and Marcus even had the decency to look hurt by your words

“Of course”, he said, rising from the stool by the side of your bed, and they both left the room.

You dozed off a bit after they left, your mind clouded with images of the past, of your uncle, of your brother, of the fear after your grandfather’s passing, the uncertainty. You were older than Lucius, you remember more vividly, your mother’s fear, the way she kept you guarded and in a separate wing at the palace, now you had the perspective of adulthood you understood why…. the attitude your uncle had, regarding your mother… the danger you were all in… 

Why were you dreaming about him now? After all this time?

Marcus himself entered your room slowly, looking at you with his big eyes. 

“I wished to speak to you, wife”, he said softly. You feared what he had to say, but he seemed relaxed, not like he was about to tell you he was divorcing you because he loved your mother and she loved him too and they were going to finally get married and abandon you…

You were spiraling

“Yes Acacius”, you said softly

“Marcus”, he said, frowning

“Marcus”, you offered. you played with your fingers nervously. 

“Wife”, he called, oh he wanted your whole attention, you raised your head to look at him, you still find it odd that he called you that, before he left for Hispania, he used to call you by your name only, “the medicus and I believe, that for my recovering health, it would be best if we retreated to the country”, he said, and that truly surprised you, “As you know, I have a villa at the edge of lake Bracciano, up north the Via Clodia”, he explained softly, and that truly sounded like a dream.

He seemed to relax once he saw your small smile.

Oh so he wasn’t going to run away with your mother, he wanted to take you with him, alone… 

“We should”, you encouraged, “we should go, for your health”

Something strange happened, as for the very first time since he was married to you, he seemed to truly… see you… he gazed upon you, upon your face, with something you would have liked to see on the day you married him. 

But he was… again… playing with you, probably.

But the thought of going to the country truly excited you. You could take Luna, you were certain she was going to be happy in the country, free and with all the grass she could eat… and you too… 

Maybe just maybe… you could hold on into a bit of hope.

PCN: I don't like it when chapters have too many "spacers", but i think this is neccesary, you know? to amrk a "change of scene", I ask for forgiveness for any writting mistakes, I was -as always- excited to post this! JEJEJEE

“El embrujo” it's a cumbia song from an artist I like 😂 the song states that "everyones" saying that this woman put a spell on him, on the singer, because he had have many lovers, but he loves her so much she probably “bewtiched him” and then he goes on and says “so what? if its true, let it be! Enchanted and bewitched by you, so what? I’m happy, do not broke this spell on me” hahahaha, Marcus is now somewhat enchanted and we don’t want anything to do with with! talk about timing!

When you woke up, your eyes ached, as you cried yourself to sleep, your scalp still hurt and your hair was wild as you had to undo the intricate braids yourself. 

You sat on the bed and you looked down to see the beautiful sheer tunic, and you felt more of what you felt last night… Was it shame? you didn’t know as you felt like you had done something wrong, your own husband didn’t want to bed you, on your wedding night, after waiting six months

Tears spring to your eyes again, 

Everybody had claimed you looked beautiful last night, even Marcus said so himself… perhaps, he was truly tired… but the way he spoke to you… you felt something definitive in his words.

“I will not touch you”

Did he mean… for last night? or…?

Perhaps you had done something wrong…

And now you were spiraling. The door opened and two maids came inside, they didn’t look at you they just bowed and presented themselves

“I am Diana, domina”

“and I’m Tullia”

“Good morning”, you greeted, covering yourself with the sheets

“Do you need anything, domina?”, asked the one that seemed eldest, she looked at you and got all embarrassed, you guessed the state of your figure was worse that you believed

“I think I need someone to braid my hair”, you said shakily, “and I’d like one of my tunics from the big trunk… please”, they both nodded quickly and they as much ran to fulfill your requests. Tullia came back with a comb in her hands. You rose from the bed feeling a bit self conscious as you were as good as naked, but they didn’t seem to mind

She braided your hair carefully, and smiled softly at you, Diana came back with one of your most beautiful tunics, in your favorite colour.

“Is Marcus awaken?”, you asked Tullia 

“Yes domina, for a couple of hours now”, she mumbled, and you cursed yourself, what would he think of you? sleeping in your very first day as a married couple

“You look so pretty domina”, offered Diana, she seemed like a sweet girl, you guessed she was the same age as you

“Thank you, and thank you for helping me”, you said softly

“The General is in the triclinium, eating”, one informed you, and you were quick to find your way to him after thanking them once more.

You took long breaths to soothe yourself, and then, as you were about to show yourself to him in the triclinium, you put on your softest smile and walked in his line of view. 

He put on a soft red tunic, and when he saw you, he stood from the long chair

“Good morning”, he greeted. 

“Marcus”, you offered, “sorry for sleeping so much…”, he shook his head 

“There is no need for that”, he said, “I hope your night was pleasant”, yeah, very, you thought sarcastically, “and you are rested”

“I am rested”, you said, and you hoped your eyes weren’t red. 

“Do you want something to eat?”, he offered, and he seemed… relaxed, on the contrary of last night. 

You wanted to ask him about last night, about what happened, about what you did wrong, so you could fix it. But now, even if he was in front of you, he seemed so distant, so foreign, the little trust you had developed seemed like it evaporated 

“Sure”, you said, your mouth was dry and you guessed it was because you cried all the water inside your body 

“Was the temperature pleasant? Were you cold?”, he asked, you were cold, and not in the way he thought.

“It was fine”, you said simply, it was drier and colder than in your villa, the sun didn’t hit Marcus’ home as much, but still.

Should you ask him why he didn’t bed you? 

The very thought mortified you. Perhaps he was truly tired, perhaps it was just a one time thing, perhaps today or tonight…

But he didn’t

You ate in silence and then he left, he muttered how he needed to “take care of something” and left you alone in his house. 

You didn't understand what he possibly needed to do the morning after he got married, so perhaps it was your fault he didn’t bed you, perhaps he realized being in your presence was intolerable… perhaps

You felt that awful feeling in your chest again, a pang of pain… you’d realize that was the feeling of shame, and a bruised ego.

When he returned, it was late at night, you couldn’t possibly know where he had been, you grew tired of waiting for him, walking the passages of the vill like a ghost, the sweet maids gave you food, and showed you around, but still.

The villa was beautiful and big, it felt a bit empty, as Acacius barely lived here, but it could be so much more, and as he had said, you could make decisions over it now, as his wife, and you were looking forward to making it more cozy for you both. Maybe even for your family.

But well, now you remembered that if he didn’t bed you, you were never going to have a family

The night had fallen over Rome and the villa was lit by torches when you decided to take a bath, both Tullia and Diana helped you fill it, and then gave you essences, and then you dismissed them, as the hour was growing late. 

“You gazed upon the room, and the rest of the villa you could see from the bath, it was opposite of the room you slept in last night. You could see part of the hallway that led to your room, and… you now wondered where Marcus’ room was.

You leaned back against the edge of the bath, enjoying the warmth and the tiled surface, when you heard footsteps on the hallway. And when you opened your eyes, Marcus’ was there, he stopped in the threshold, and he was looking at you wide-eyed

You just realised your breasts were peaking out of the water, and you barely had any modesty behind the water darkened by the essences you had put on. 

“Marcus”, you mumbled, covering your breasts and hiding in the water to the neck. But as he stood there, watching you, a tingle of something unknown trickled down your spine. Perhaps like this you could… entice him. 

You would have been mortified before, but now… he was your husband, was he not? He did want to marry you, right? Besides, you were so used to being naked in front of other people, even if they were your villa’s maids.

But you didn't think about it anymore, you uncovered your breasts, and sat back.

He seemed to get out of his stupor, and looked up at your face

“I wanted to see if you were asleep”, he said, his voice plain, he seemed to regain his composure, standing very still like he did last night. 

“I wanted to take a bath”, you said softly, “would my husband care to join me?”, you asked, but you didn’t sound like the temptress you pretended to be, your voice came out all shaky, and doubtful.

“I’m sorry to disturb you”, he said, and you felt like the water froze around you, “don’t you worry, I’ll take a bath in the morning”, you just stared at him, speaking, apologising, making excuses, but no words could truly soothe the aching pain that seemed to be growing in your insides.

“Good night”, he whispered, and then he left you, in cold water. 

You had to cover your mouth to stifle the whimper that you couldn’t help.

It had to be you, right? it had to be

What was so wrong with you? that your husband would prefer to run in the opposite direction after gazing upon your naked form?

You wanted to say it got better, but it didn’t, you saw him a bit in the mornings and when the sun went down to eat together, he disappeared for most part of the day, sometimes he would hide in his office to attend to matters of his states or his household.

He would speak to you about the day, in a very superficial manner, he would ask you for your wellbeing, and he would not give you any space to talk into deeper levels of intimacy or for you to get close to him.

You found him barely looking at you, your hands barely touching if you both wanted to grab the same thing at the same time, and when they met? he would pull it back quickly as it was on fire

What was wrong with you?

Shouldn’t a husband hold his wife? should touch her, kiss her? you had seen it many times, even a gentle grabbing of hands… but he won’t even come close to you.

Is this how it was going to be?

The guilt started biting at your heels. You felt like you had a snake’s teeth sunk into your bosom, its body constricting around you, making you feel small, undesirable, unwanted, and you wouldn’t wish this feeling even to your worst enemy.

You were in Marcus’ study (he had allowed you to read his scrolls if you wished), reading a scroll of pre-Roman Alexandria, when Diana showed up. 

“There is a man here to see you Domina”, she muttered, her cheeks were rosy with embarrassment 

“Who?”, you asked, raising your gaze from the yellow parchment 

“He said his name was Lucius”, she said with wide eyes. You stood up at once, and with quick steps you arrived at the Vestibule so quick it made your head spin.

He was standing there, watching the clay made faces decorating the walls. He was as handsome as when you saw him last, the day of your betrothal 

“Lucius”, you called, “what are you doing here?”

“You look beautiful”, he said right at the start, you felt your cheek heating.

“Have you come to see my husband?”, you asked 

“No”, he said quickly, his gaze wasn’t the same one he used to dedicate to you, his eyes were now cold, even calculating, and it gave you chills, as you believed you were the guilty one of that ever happening, “I came to see you”, he said

“Lucius…”

“Is not what you think”, he said then as he was bored

“Marcus might return any minute it is not proper for me to see you, alone”, you said curtly

“Marcus is not going to come any time soon”, he said, “he is at my father’s villa”, you frowned when you heard him.

“What could he possibly be doing at your villa?”, you asked him

“He was with your mother too”, he said, he seemed to be relishing on the fact that he knew… something… paladating the news like one would a ripe fruit 

“To do what?”, you insisted, tired already of his dramatic pauses

“Marcus became your paterfamilias”, he explained, “that includes your mother, as he is your husband, the oldest male in your family”

“Yes… so?”, you asked him

“They were there discussing a marriage proposal”, you actually felt cold sweat dripping down your back

“Between who?”, you asked

“Your mother and my father”, he said firmly

“WHAT?”, you couldn’t believe what you were hearing 

“So now I understand why your mother wouldn’t even hear of my father’s proposal for us both”, he said bitterly

“I don’t understand”, you whispered brokenly, “Do they… love each other?”, you asked, he chuckled darkly

“My father loves power, yours must love money”, he said darkly

“Lucius”, you called

“They both betrayed us”, he said, frowning, “they denied us our happiness so they can have theirs”

“I don’t think that’s true”, you said, but you didn't even believe it yourself, “there must be something else in it”

“Why didn’t she marry Acacius then?”, he said, “everyone in Rome know how close they are ever since the emperor Commodus died, and everyone was surprised when they never married”

“She didn’t marry him because she did not love him, and because Acacius asked her for my hand instead”, you explained simply, he laughed, it was a bitter and dry laugh, it made your skin prickle.

“So she loves my father?”, he asked, you didn’t know what to answer. Never had you seen your mother talking to any men that weren't Acacius or one of the old turtles of the Senate, nor has she spoken to you about anyone else.

“I… I don’t know”, you answered truthfully, “you haven’t seen anything odd?”, you asked him.

“I haven’t, no… never seen your mother in my villa before, and neither does my father has visited your mother”. he said

“So it is a marriage for convenience”, you concluded

“it must be”, he said firmly, “so the question is… if it is, why didn’t they let us marry instead?”, he asked, “your mother can’t give my father any children… I don’t think”

“Maybe she can”, you said sadly. If your mother actually marries and manages to get pregnant before you… you’d not know what to do with that.

Your mother’s reason for you NOT to marry Lucius was that he might use you, for his benefit, your name, your lineage, and you understood that, so then she goes and marries his father? That was so odd. Because if it wasn’t out of love but convenience, why didn’t she let you marry Lucius instead? that had a chance of becoming love? Was Marcus’ request bigger than your happiness?

Lucius’ eyes landed on you, seemed to look you up and down your form, he ended up in your face.

“You are miserable”, he admired

“I’ve only been married ten days”, you said back

“Still”, he whispered, “does he not treat you well?”, he asked. You wanted to answer that he didn’t ‘treat’ you at all

“He is kind”, you said shortly 

“You deserve more”, he said, “you deserve someone who can give you the world” 

“He will… someday”, you said, but you didn’t even believe it.

After Lucius left, you were left alone, with your stomach twisted in knots, but for better or worse, Marcus came early today, and he brought your mother with him.

And in a normal day, you would have been happy to see your mother, but not today, as Lucius’ visit still lingered in your mind, you placed a smile on your face nonetheless as they approached you at the triclinium. 

She smiled when she saw you, her eyes searching your form and you weren’t sure for what, but she cradled your face in her hands and kissed your cheek 

“You look radiant”, she said, pleased, “married life suits you”, and you felt like you could laugh, bitterly, but laugh at least. When you looked at the mirror this morning you thought you had never looked so sad

Marcus barely looked at you, he looked positively displeased, but you saw his intent to fake it, at least he would give you this courtesy

“I invited your mother, I thought you would like to see her”, he said with a low voice

Should you tell them that you know? That you know of them meeting with Lucius’ father?

Your mother always had this air of secrecy about her, always so mysterious in the way she looked, the way she spoke to people, the way she would keep you both at your home, there was always something, and the same was happening now, only that she brought your husband in tow with her. Now she looked like the cat that ate the mouse, like she had gotten away with something, and you could only guess what, for what Lucius told you.

She stayed for dinner, and you felt like it was that time again, the time Marcus had come to your house to talk to you about marriage, they talked among themselves, not to you, and it's not like you wanted to talk anyways. 

“...my love?”, you finally snapped out of your stupor, raising your gaze to your mother, who was looking at you expectantly 

“Sorry I wasn’t paying attention”, you muttered, and Marcus was looking at you too

“I was asking, when are you going to make me a grandmother?”, she asked, oh how you wished you could drown yourself in the impluvium 

“Maybe you’ll make me a big sister first”, you said. And you couldn’t believe that came out of your mouth. For the first time, you saw her surprised

“What do you mean?”, she asked

“Lucius came to see me”, you said, and Marcus was about to say something, but you didn’t let him, “he told me, what you two were doing in his villa, with his father”

“Darling…”, she reached for you, but you stood from the long chair

“I do not wish to discuss this mother”, you muttered, no matter how long and hard you thought about it, you couldn’t find a reason why your mother did what she did, “what is done is done, I hope you two are happy together”, you said, “and for the grandchildren… you’ll have to ask Marcus”, you said with a fake smile. And the air turned bitter in a second, as both were rendered speechless, so you turned on your heel and left them sitting there, sharing guilty looks. 

Very tame chapter, I know, but a needed a "link" chapter between the wedding and the big chapter that's coming! hopefully saturday! I'm really excited for that one! muahaha

MASTERLIST

The only thing that could console you, was the warming sun.

Each day that passes, the days become longer, the sun warmer, the plants greener.

But your fleeting happiness disappeared as the sun in the horizon every afternoon, when the grey light hit the villa’s walls, your heart seemed to darken, each day more, each day, you had to keep yourself from crying all day, you tried to keep yourself busy, but that had its challenges, there was just so many scrolls in Marcus’ library, as you had read them all already, the small, dead garden was not yet to be planted, as you were still a month away from planting, and suddenly when you could, and the end of march, you did, you buried your knees on the ground and you planted what you could, but still, was going to take some time to grow. 

You felt so lonely, your company being only Diana and Thulia, that they barely spoke to you anyway

You were grateful for the visits to Publio’s villa, but there had been few, so it was time to stop planning and start executing. Being a consul it involved more than leading armies, and that meant that Marcus was more absent than ever from your shared home.

That’s all that connected you to him… a shared home.

Other than that, you barely talked to him, you didn’t even see him.

And being so lonely was slowly killing you.

Before, when you lived with your mother you had friends, her friend’s daughters, you had tutors, you had a household of people you held dear to your heart, now? you had no one, you were a married woman, you could not engage into tutors anymore, so long greek lessons, history and philosophy. 

So long friends and people in your home that you had known your entire life. 

A constant anguish has settled in your chest.

You feel a need, a want, your skin prickled constantly, in need, in need of warmth, human warmth, contact. As you walk around the villa like a spirit, you find yourself hugging yourself, clutching your own tunic… you feel pathetic, you feel so lonely. Your nose tickles, you want to cry again.

A married woman can’t go about alone, you can’t just go anywhere you wish anymore, there are no games yet, there are no chariot races, and even if they were, you can’t go alone, and Marcus isn’t here to even ask him to accompany you. 

You find yourself sometimes sitting on the floor next to the impluvium playing with the water, making ripples with the tip of your fingers, sometimes you even enjoyed it when it rains, as you liked the sound, and it made you believe the house was more… lively.

Before you got married you always dreamed of a home, a house filled with laughter, steps, games being played… giggles… sometimes even cries… but… noises, the noises of your family, the smells of the foods you were going to have prepared for all of them, stains of mud in the walls and general messes

Life.

But this villa was a representation of how you felt… empty… alone… ghostly even. 

After the sun hid, you swore you started seeing Lemures, lurking in the corners of your eyes and in the edges of the walls. 

And when you did go out, rather to see your mother in your old home, to help her plan her own wedding, or when you went to visit Luna in the imperial stables, or when you insisted on going with Diana to the market to buy things… you dreaded the time you had to return home.

Marcus had said it was yours, and you could do as you please, but that didn’t sit well with you, and he wasn’t there much to ask him. When he returned home at night, you didn’t want to bother him with issues of the household… that was your job… and it was like an endless circle of doubts and unanswered questions, and inactivity.

After a couple of months you found yourself excited when he returned home, even though he barely talked to you, even though he locked himself in his study when he did, at least he was in the villa with you. 

His presence, even though, again, wasn’t much noisy, at least it was soothing, like he would protect you, it felt comforting at least, so when you did eat with him, you tried your best to smile, to please him, to ask him about his day, to seem content. You felt your dignity sleeping away as you tried your hardest to make him happy. 

It was the only connection you had to Rome, even though you were in the center of it.

Even though he was polite, and engaged with you in conversation, it wasn’t very deep, it wasn’t very meaningful, it felt like he kept you at arm’s length.

And he seemed truly distracted, he seemed like he carried a great weight, and you didn’t know what.  

That at least, until you told him your mother’s engagement was coming, and later wedding a week after, as soon as June came about.

June was the month of Juno, the most propitious for weddings, and it was going to be a great celebration, worthy of the daughter of a former emperor, and the richest man in Rome, who didn’t spare no expense in proving to everyone what he could do.

Your mother was planning to wed in the spring, in June, and it was rapidly approaching, you being in the midst of May already.

You were speaking about the latest movements to Marcus one night, about the coming event, about the games that were being planned in its honour… 

“I have to leave for Hispania”, he dropped at you, out of nowhere, you looked at him wide eyed. The wedding planning with your mother was what kept you going so far, but he seemed like he couldn’t hear another word of it. He looked guilty after he said those words, interrupting your rambling about flooding the Colosseum. You stopped every movement, and looked at him lying beside you on the sofa in the triclinium

“Do you know how long?”. you asked, feeling sadness grabbing onto you

“I don’t”, he said, “it will be lengthy”, he warned. He might not be very affectionate with you, but he was now your constant present by your side, and he was going to leave you, alone. 

“When do you part?”, you asked softly, trying to keep your voice steady, you failed

“Two weeks from now”, he mumbled

“Before my mother’s wedding?”, you asked, he did not answer

You had come to realise that he did not want anything with you, but you had hope that with time he would… easy onto you, that you could ease into him.

“The augurs are propitious for the next fortnight”, he explained, and you couldn’t care less 

“Can I come with you?”, you asked without thought, he stopped eating to look at you

“No, that’s without question”, he claimed, you expected it

“Why?”, you asked him

“Why?”, he echoed, but when he saw your face, his own softened, “it’s dangerous”, the change was extreme, now he spoke to you as he would a child

“Were are going to be behind twenty thousand men, and Hispania is a Roman controlled territory”, you said, “and besides it is not odd for Generals to take their wives on campaigns, many have done so before”

“I don’t care, I will not risk you, I rather have you here, safely tucked in the entrails of Rome itself, rather than with me on those wild territories, eliminating rebellions”, you just looked away, trying your hardest not to cry, at least not in front of him.

You know who else generals took in their campaigns when they didn’t take their wives? their mistresses

The thought never occurred to you before, but now it made sense, maybe he did have someone else, maybe he married you for power and influence, it made sense, why he won’t touch you, bed you.

You looked back at him and you found him looking back at you, like he was trying to read your thoughts.

“I think it will be less than a year”, he said gently, and that was supposed to comfort you, but you whimpered without being able to prevent it. 

Your husband wanted to go to Hispania, to leave you alone, a whole year, alone. Your mother was about to get married, start a new life, without you, and you were trapped here, in Marcus’ home, without him.

What did you do to make him want to leave you like that?

“Don’t be upset”, he pleaded, “I’ll be back before you know it”, you barely nodded, averting his eyes. 

“Are you taking someone else?”, you didn’t even know where you got the… nerve… to ask that. He didn’t say a thing, but you felt his gaze on you, so when you finally looked at him, you have never seen him look so defeated.

“No”, he said, as he couldn’t believe you were asking him that. “I would never… disrespect you like that”, he said, and he seemed sincere. 

You were not going to beg, not for him to take you, and not for him to stay, with all the strength you had, you swallowed your tears, and nodded.

He wasn’t even with you anyways, he barely spoke to you, so you didn’t understand why you cared so much if he was here at all or not.

But this was another pillar -a big one-, in the big temple of humiliation you felt constantly, gnawing at your entrails. 

“Of course Marcus”, you mumbled, you again felt his gaze on you, but you had more fun playing with a grape on the table. 

“If I… arrive in Hispania, after we are settled in Terraco, I can… send for you, only if I deemed it safe, but I can’t make any promises”, he said slowly, as he was tracing the proposition as he spoke it rather than thinking truly about it before he offered it. It was like he was trying to console a child with a fleeting promise that was not going to hold any meaning when it really came to it. 

You remembered bitterly that he had also promised to care for you, so his promises held little meaning anyways.

He called for you, whispered your name like a little prayer for Minerva, when you raised your eyes to meet his, he was looking back at you with a pain that made your spine tingle. And those shiny eyes.

“I’m very sorry Marcus, for my attitude”, you said, your tone suddenly plane, devoid of any emotions, “it's just the thought of being without you saddens me”, you explained, “but, the last thing I want to be for you is… difficult”

“You are not…”

“I promised to be a dutiful wife”, you interrupted him, “and if leaving me here in your villa, in Rome, is what you want of me, then that’s what I will do”

“I will return to you”, he promised, he reached for you and grabbed your hand softly, “as soon as I can, as soon as I can complete my duty”, he said with a soft smile. You nodded at him.

“The hour is late, husband”, you whispered, “good night”, you whispered, you released your hand from his hold and left him in the triclinium. Tulia met you in your rooms and assisted you in undressing for the night, with a soft smile.

“How long have you worked for the General?”, you asked her in a soft whisper

“Ten years domina”, she said 

“And in that time… have you seen him indulging in the company of women?”, you asked her. She seemed to read the real question in your eyes. 

“Not here in his villa domina, he has never brought women”, she said with a soft smile. “Sometimes when he is in Rome he goes out late, and if there's any merit in the words of his friends, he indulges in the pleasures of certain… establishments of the Suburra”, she whispered. You nodded

That wasn’t odd. 

A man visiting a Lupanar 

“But he hasn't Domina, not since he married you”, she offered. You smiled, as she was always so sweet with you. 

As soon as she left your room, you collapsed onto the floor, with a cry in your lips and tears flooding down your cheeks. 

You didn’t want to be alone, you didn’t want this loneliness 

Your mind was clouded with thoughts of self doubts.

What did you do to deserve this? 

Were you hateful? Were you unkind? Were you mean to him in any way?

And no matter how far you looked, you couldn’t pinpoint a moment in which you had displeased him so badly he would not want to engage with you as he was. 

So you started to resent him.

For being so cold, for marrying you without being a true husband to you, for abandoning you, for leaving you. 

Two weeks flew by, your house, ironically, seemed more alive than ever, his men, of his armies, came by to discuss plans, to inform him of how the triremes were being loaded, people came and went all day, you heard Marcus’ voice in the entire villa, barking orders, planning, commanding. 

You tried to stay out of his way.

You were detaching from him before he left so it wouldn’t hurt as much when he finally did. 

And then the day came. 

You had insisted on accompanying him to Ostia, where his Triremes stood proudly over the water. You as the wives of his trusted men and soldiers stood there too, to see them leave for Hispania. 

The port was beautiful.

A city in its own right, with an amphitheatre, temples and houses. A symbol of Rome’s prowess and might.

From it, you swore you could conquer the world. 

But you couldn’t enjoy it as you wanted. You felt so nervous you believed you could throw up.

The procession ended in the very harbour, you stood next to Marcus, on the wooden dock, ready to climb onto the magnificent ship that was going to take him across the sea, away from you, away from his city. 

You cleaned your tears before they ran, you didn’t want him to see you cry. 

You didn’t know he heard you that night when he told you he was leaving, he heard your cries, your sobs…

You looked at him by your side and you wanted to grab on to him and not let go. You didn’t want to go back to an empty house, and yet, it was empty with him in it anyways.

So in this tense moment, your mind wandered, trying to shield you from destruction. 

As you stood by his side, you looked at him, at his profile, and as he greeted his Praetors and other officers of his armies. 

Then another thought came rushing to you. 

Perhaps he preferred the company of men.

It wasn’t odd, or frowned upon, but it was a real possibility.

Maybe he didn’t touch you because he liked men, he was going on a long campaign, with thousands of them, very few women involved.

Oh gods, that might be it. 

“What’s wrong?”, he asked, as he caught you staring with a horrified look on your face. 

Sometimes when Marcus looked at you, he could believe you were real.

You were like an apparition, a goddess walking amongst men.

Within reach, yet, untochable

A fleeting divine company, that it was doomed to end.

He often found himself wondering… 

“Some birds you can’t put in cages, they’ll stop singing”

The phrase that had been torturing him for the last four months finally came to reason that night, where he had told you he was going to leave for Hispania.

As he watched you come undone in front of him, as he thought of every strained smile, every caress on his forearms, every meal set, he had come to realize…

He had put you in that cage.

But he couldn’t see it clearly. 

He was tormented.

It is true that he loved Lucilla, he had loved her for years, he had come to realize this a little after Maximus died in that Arena. He realised that even if he felt guilty because he was his friend, now he had a clear path towards her. 

But it never happened. 

Although it was a good idea to marry her, he was close to her, she trusted him, he could protect her, everything was perfect.

It didn’t came to be

She didn’t love him back

And Marcus understood that, so he did everything he could, as a husband would do without being one. He kept Lucilla and you safe, he made sure to always stand beside her. And his shadow helped cover her. 

But his love never dwindled 

He knew Lucilla was taking advantage of him, out of his love, he knew she sometimes used him. She knew he knew and yet… he didn’t care. He was content to be helpful to her, if not her lover, he was happy to be just her friend. 

He made sure that he was allowed to be near her because he made the emperor trust him, he became a great general, and he played both sides. It worked, he was content, she was safe, everyone won. 

And then Lucilla asks him to make the ultimate sacrifice. The last stone on his grave of his love for her. She asked him to marry you, her daughter. It was something so paradoxical, it was something Lucilla would ask of nobody but him, because he was the man she trusted the most, and yet, it meant they could never truly be together. The ultimate act of love on both sides.

He did it.

Not only because of his devotion for her, but because he understood what they were playing at, he understood the long game, the future they held. The measures they had to take to really be safe. 

He thought it was the hardest thing he ever had to do, to let go of his love for Lucilla, because he was not going to marry you with her in his mind, he would never do that to you. And yet… there was more still to come

He himself had to relinquish his love to someone else.

Fate, or perhaps Lucilla herself… were cruel

Truly cruel.

It was true he was doing everything in his power to relinquish the love he still held for her, the romantic part at least, he felt so guilty while being married to you. But you can’t tame your heart, as much as you tried.

He had done what she ask of him

But he could not see it getting done.

She didn’t need him anymore, so he rushed his voyage to Hispania, for his own sake.

The line between love and devotion was thin, Marcus crossed it without realizing it. 

As he held audiences with Consus Licinio Craso and Lucilla, in talks of their nuptials, he felt nothing, he thought it was because his heart ached so much it had numbed itself. He thought that if he saw the actual wedding happening he wasn’t going to be able to survive it. 

He was going to focus on war, like many times before. To ignore the fact that he was never going to be Lucilla’s husband. 

He was mourning something that was already dead.

So when he looked at his side and found you, standing there, looking up at him with those wide eyes. He thought he felt his heart beating in his chest again. Like you somehow grabbed it with your bare hands and squeezed it, reviving it. 

He saw the sadness in your eyes and he felt a pang of guilt. He wasn't blind, he knew you were not happy, but he was confident you were going to find your purpose while being married to him, that you were going to make a life for yourself. He could not dedicate himself to you fully, yet.

But given time, he knew he could. 

What he felt when you went to Scipio’s house was something he didn't want to feel again

But it was also something he knew was wrong. Although you were married you were not his to be jealous for.

But he hoped that some time away was going to give him clarity. He had to leave, it was his duty as Consul, but he chose to leave before Lucilla’s wedding, though. And his heart broke that fatidic night, where you begged him to take you with him. If he could he would, he did not take pleasure in leaving you here alone, but his job as your protector entailed not to take you into the other side of the seas into strange territory surrounded by revolts and soldiers. 

When he came back, he promised himself he was going to do so as a man renewed, he needed to mourn, to think, to become something else, he had been tasked with your protection, and he intended to do it as long as he drew breath.

He wasn’t blind either, you were beautiful, kind, generous, incredibly smart, you deserved him at his best, at his fullest. 

And he was going to do his best by you, it was a promise he had made to himself. 

And then finally, the moment came, when he had to say his goodbyes, he had to board the Trirreme, he had to leave you. 

He turned to you, ready for a solemn goodbye, a promise of returning.

He took you softly by your upper arms, and looked down at you with the affection he felt for you, which was great.

But you were having none of it. 

“I wish you good fortune in the wars to come, dear husband”, you whispered sadly, not looking him into his eyes. He only stood and looked at you, his smile dropping, “I also hope that…”, you didn’t know how to phrase what you were going to say next, “you don’t find yourself as lonely as I”.

You only had to look at his face to know, that came out really wrong. You just basically told your husband to seek company, and at the same time that you were going to be lonely because of his decision

“My heart will ache with loneliness every second that we are apart”, he said gently, looking down at you from his height, “but I promise that soon we will be together again, to never be parted”

“Take care husband”, you whispered, he leaned in, taking a long breath, and he trapped your lips with his. 

He breathed you in, you resisted the impulse to grab onto him.

The second ever kiss he ever gave you, that you ever had in your life. 

When you parted it seemed like he didn’t want to do it, but you were probably seeing things, right?

“I’ll come back for you”, he promised, and you didn't like the way your skin felt cold as soon as his touch left your skin. 

He was the last one to board the ship, and you stood completely still as you watched it set  sail, and float away towards the horizon. 

It was ironic, because as the Trirreme got further away from you, the love you felt for him dwindled more and more, and yet, for every meter away from you, his affection for you grew and grew. 

PCN: So... they you find it?

"I wish you good fortune in the wars to come"

It wasn't a "curse", rwally, but once I read that phrase was incredibly unlucky, that every time someone said it to another in GOT, that one died horribly in said war, or it went terribly wrong, it made sense... jejeje

DON'T HATE HIM, he is coming back soon jijiji

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