#miserablepileofsecrets

"It's complicated" as a status for a relationship is fucked. You're taken or not. That's not the topic here. What's complicated is the human thought process. What can perhaps lead to these grey areas of sorts and place doubt when in reality you should be doing less thinking and more doing.

Unless you truly like what you are doing for work, chances are you're putting on a mask there. You can't express yourself. It's why being in a creative field has its benefits. Even if work politics suck, you can still express yourself somewhere. For non creative work, you cling to the few and far between moments where it seems like a real conversation is had. Conversations that don't have to do with working task after work task without a clear goal of what you are achieving. We all just want to be heard in some capacity.

So who do you turn to? That's the issue. Dunno who to turn to. Personally, I have a pretty good idea where to go for legitimate no judgement conversations or support. Even then however, why bother someone? You can't be forever dependent on someone for this kind of thing. Shoulder to lean or or cry on, sure. However, people try and dump the whole weight on you and then you've gotta avoid the heavy lifting. Not your monkeys, not your circus.

We're all just a miserable pile of secrets. That's what a woman or man is anyway, right? All different based on our stories we tell and then ones we keep inside. We all get sad sometimes. So...let's break the mold without full explantions because I've retired that.

I know how to do my current job and enough to do what is expected. Something extra? I'll think about it. Explain why I didn't do it your way? Nope. It got done. If I'm temporary, you don't need access to my thought process. Need to know basis. Leave me in my zone. I've got music, I'll handle my stress and feelings on my own. The job gets brought up because it is the biggest case (and this might surprise some) currently of being temporary in someone's life. Heck even life is temporary but you can feel when you're wanted or just being used. I'm trusting my gut more. It is making it easy to pull away. We just looped didn't we? We're right back to what COULD be misconstrued as relationship stuff. See how it's complicated? We all are.

Look, closing yourself off fully isn't good. I have a peephole behind these empty walls and once I watch these walls fall like Jericho, I'll be sure who's on the other side is worth the shot. For life, I'll keep taking aim from behind the wall and seeing what happens. You miss all the shots you don't take and I've got one of those Metal Gear Solid bandanas equipped.

**points to head**