#mischa rants

system of around 40 alters, we are fictive heavy !!!

we use “i” and “we” interchangeably btw

im the host, rory/luci (she/they) !!!!! frequent fronters r mischa (co host), marvin, whizzer, mike and jason

ALTER INTROS LINKED UNDER

So basically, recently, I’ve stopped talking so much to one of my friends (she lives in another town so we communicate through whatsapp). Anyway, A few days ago she writes me that she has the feeling that ‘I’m somehow different lately’ and stuff, not talking to her that much.

a) i have finals

b) i actually did write her from time to time, not like she says that I haven’t written ‘for days at time’, but the conversation always died

c) i have finals. honestly i’ve been busting my ass the whole semester on different assignments and I just need to get through this last thing

so anyway, after a few sentences, she blurts out that she feels as if I were still mad about missing my bus to uni when we last saw each other

i literally haven’t thought about that missed bus ever since i got on another that left half an hour later. is she for real.

and also that i pissed her off last sunday because she wanted to bring me my glasses and i kept changing plans and ‘nothing was good enough for me’ and then I didn’t even stop to properly talk with her when she finally arrived

a) how the fuck am i supposed to know she’s mad at me when she doesn’t tell me and expects me to figure it out and only mentions it like a week later

b) i told her from the beginning that I have no idea what my schedule on sunday will be. I had to get an interview for uni and I didn’t know whether I won’t carpool to uni (it’s like 100 kms away and the buses’ schedules are just to die for *sarcasm*), which depended on whether someone writes into a carpool group on facebook

c) i had to transcript the interview to textual version so that I could do an article out of it. I’m hearing impaired so I couldn’t properly grasp everything the person has said to me, so I got my mom to help. She arrived in the middle of my transripting and naturally I didn’t want my mom to be held up even further

then she says that I also pissed her of because I didn’t even look at my phone

a) I didn’t even need to tell her that because I looked at it just in time and didn’t let her wait

b) i was literally holed up with that interview since 1 am. while i know she’s right and that I should’ve looked at the phone (which i also apologized for), i simply didn’t know it was already 4 pm, otherwise i’d be more careful

then she says that now she rather writes to one other friend than me (once again, how the fuck is that my fault) and that her friends at least asks her “how are things with [my friend’s] boyfriend”

a) jesus, don’t go at me with the goddamn passive-aggresiveness

b) we’re literally always talking about her fucking boyfriend

c) she literally hasn’t asked me how am i doing at uni ever since the semester started, not unless she wanted to meet and wanted to know if i’m “free”

and now she’s ignoring me and not even looking at my messages (but I know she’s been on whatsapp), not even when I wrote to her to give me her account number so that I can send her the money for the glasses (she picked them up for me). like, imagine wanting to ignore someone so bad you don’t even want a significant amount of money back. I feel so special right now.

so basically, just to sum it up:

a) i’ve apologized like at least 5 times, mostly for things i had no control over

b) she somehow got it in her head that I was mad at her about the bus, so she started to distance herself from me just based on her weird imagination

c) she literally didn’t even admit that not everything about this situation is my fault

d) she accused me of ‘not caring enough to figure it out’ when it was 12:30 am, I had to study for finals (the discussion went on for another hour, so no studying got done that night), i was tired as hell because I literally haven’t stopped ever since the semester started. And honestly if she feels like she can’t talk to me anymore, then that’s hardly something I can do anything about, especially since my ‘distancing myself from her’ is her goddamn imagination

e) she literally got mad at me for something i had no influence over. The guy I did interview with promised we’ll do it before noon, then at sunday he said 1 pm. Then I didn’t know how long it’ll take (sometimes it’s just 15 minutes, some people talk and talk and you spend 1,5 hours with them) and she was supposed to arrive at 4. Plus, the guy lived a little further away and I do not own a car, so I didn’t want her to arrive at 4 because i might not be home. And she’s bitching about me “changing plans” when I’ve explicitly told her, and repeated it about million times, not to schedule anything because I literally don’t know what will happen

f) oh goddamn jesus, i am so goddamn sorry i didn’t spend an hour talking with you on the street and didn’t leave my mom waiting. When I only had not even two hours to finish the transcript and I was barely halfway though, and my mom was already agitated that it took too long. for real.

g) don’t fucking tell me i’m the one causing the rift between us when you won’t even look at my messages now. seriously.

okay, rant number 14587 because i seriously need to write this somewhere...

I recently got into fight with my friend about my college aspirations. Basically, the situation was that she started telling me cheerful things and stuff. Then she told me that 'oh I thought you might've researched what they ask for since you want to get into it' like i'm sorry?? not your fucking damn bussiness what i do?? stop judging me for it please?? (also, I did research it, they just had little to zero information on the site back then and i guess they must've updated it)

then i told her that 'she's the one to talk' with that cheerful speech because she told me all these things i used to tell her when it came to her thinking about college. She got mad and said that 'well I really tried, but my situation is completely different from yours when it comes to job and family'. Okay, point number one: do you know how many people study while having a job?  but no, you told yourself that 'it'd be too much' and that since becoming mediator would mean she'd have to study the entire law, it'd just be too much for her to complete her dream. But sure. You've tried.

Naturally, I haven't said anything, because she'd get even more mad and it was like 1 am and I seriously didn't have the strenght for that argument (she's still pissed though). But well, we also talked about these seminars i might take which might help me get into the college (said school is contemplating the 'real' interest in studying this subject by these things), so of course, me being basically half deaf, i said my concerns that i'd pay a lot of money for something of which i might hear maybe one third. Okay, her response? She's pay it anyway even if she heard the 1/3 of it.

I mean, i'm sorry? How the hell can she even say something like that... Like... she doesn't know what it's like. She doesn't. How the fuck can she even say that she'd take the seminar anyway. Just... how??

Also, it's no problem for her to ask her father for the money because it's the money he's supposed to give to her anyway. Me? My parents are already paying my driver's ed, they'll have to pay my pre-graduation trip to Prague, and on top of that, my father has recently got some court fees after someone put him in there for holding out on a payment. And what am I supposed to say to my father? 'Oh hi, would you give me this huge amount of money for something i might not even enjoy, but ya know, my friend told me it might slightly increase my chances with getting into college, so i guess she's right, because i have no problems considering this thing at all and everything's in my head, apparently' ??

i just hate this about her. She's always playing victim when it comes to her situation, but she could totally get into that college, but despite what she says, she hasn't even tried. And then she basically dismisses all my problems just because they're apparently not as big as hers? No. Life isn't about that. I wouldn't want to be a psychologist if i thought that just because someone has healthy hearing, or their problems might seem so small in comparison with mine, means that they're not valid issues. And I just hate this about her, honestly.

oh dear god... I like my friend, but sometimes she's just such a hypocrite and judges people pretty fast and thinks everything's aimed against her...

Like, I don't tell her about the internet theory about Allison being the Nogitsune - frankly, I don't like talking about it because that'd mean she's gonna die (which I told her), so imagine that I'd have to talk about it with a person who'd actually like to see her dead, since I love Allison -  and she basically throws a tantrum because I didn't tell her (I'm sorry, not everything's about you like?? Plus it didn't even cross my mind to tell her or something when we talked, so like sorry my brain didn't stumble into that area of thought??).

Then I tell her I didn't like today's episode but that she shouldn't postpone watching it (which she wanted to do) since we don't have the same taste in tv shows. Then I told her about the only example that currently came to mind - that she likes star-crossed whereas I don't really, and she's immediately like: "oh and again, you didn't tell me..." (in that accusing tone) I mean, I watched that damn pilot literally 10 minutes ago at that time?? And she didn't tell me anything along the lines of 'let me know when you watch it', so I was hardly required to tell her. Plus I doubt she tells me about every fucking tv show she's ever watched. But of course, leave it to her to take it personally and get mad.

So basically, now she's pissed and she has yet to write me back, all because I don't share every detail about my life/about what I've read somewhere with her. Nice, seriously. And I really, really hate saying this, but... she wonders why people always stop talking to her? Because if she does that to everyone...

Like, I can't apparently even casually tell her that I've watched a tv show without her being mad that I wasn't immediately like "hi, I've just finished watching this and that!" and taking it personally, as if she had every right to know everything about what I do/read all the time. If I like it and can recommend it, of course I'll tell you. If it's total shit, I might mention it. But if it's some mediocre thing I'll probably watch just to pass the time sometime, then why the hell should I tell you about watching it, especially since you've already watched it (and liked it)? I'm not gonna say shit about a show you loved, right.

Also, when we translate, she's always like "oh and tell me about any mistakes I might've made" so ok, I tell her... and she gets mad at me for telling her, getting all defensive and shit. Like, you wanted me to point out your mistakes. It was a mistake. You made it. Own it, try to learn from it. Don't get mad at me for pointing it out, for eff's sake.

I'm not gonna do to her what other people do (stop talking to her), of course... I guess I kinda understand that she might feel left out, but... left out of what? If I mentioned it to other people and not her, then fine, I get it, you're dissapointed that I told it to someone else and not to you... But I hardly tell anything to ANYONE, which she knows, so...

This attitute seriously pisses me off. Especially since it's this silly stuff. Like I'm sorry, but if I were to always get mad about the fact that my other friends don't describe the last 24 hours of their life to me everytime we see each other, then I'd have none.

And it's sad, because this attitude makes me hate when someone says that the two of us are really alike. I mean, why? Because we're both dark haired and have lighter skin? Because we like tv shows and books and spend a lot of time on the internet? This isn't all that there is to it - because you can still like these stuff in general, but disagree on the genre or just books/tv shows you like, which is exactly what's going on here.  Plus, she's really negative about stuff whereas I just try and laugh everything off (which makes people think I'm a cheerful person when in fact it's just my way of coping with depression tbh)... (just to be clear, I don't judge her on being negative, I'm just saying there are differences between us) and she takes everything too damn personally. So no, we're not alike.

And I just find it sad that I've come to hate that thought because I really like her as a friend and I always try to help her, but... it's hard. Like, I can give her an advice and she still goes and talks to someone else about it and then decides to listen to their (in my opinion crappy) advice (which later turns out as being crappy but whatever) and in general, I can tell her something and she pays no attention to it and then she comes and is like 'this person told me this really profound thing' and I'm just thinking to myself 'yeah, that's exactly what I've told you like a week ago...??'