#miscarried

Feb 15th, 2019

The thing about having one miscarriage, is that you always fear another. 

When an average person trying to conceive takes a pregnancy test, and gets a positive result, they are happy to be pregnant .

When someone who has previously suffered miscarriage takes a pregnancy test and gets a positive result, they are still wondering.  A positive result is only a possibility of a pregnancy, because there still lies a chance it can be taken away.  We only "might" have a baby.  We only "might" make it to 8, 9, 12 weeks.  Nothing is certain, which means it is not an enjoyable experience.  Instead it is a time of worry, anxiety is at an all time high.  It is the most terrifying experience to go through, and no words can explain the panic we feel at any little thing.

I am pregnant again after suffering recurring miscarriages.  I have a lot of fear of miscarrying again with this pregnancy, because I know how likely it is to happen given my past experiences.  I know how it feels to go to a twelve week dating scan and be told your baby has no heartbeat.

Every time I go to the bathroom I am almost waiting to see spotting on my underwear, the fear eats me alive every time I have to pull down my trousers and sit on the toilet seat.  Such a simple task which carries such an incredible fear.

When I don't see the spotting, the fear doesn't disappear, because I also know what it's like to suffer loss with no symptoms at all, this means there's absolutely nothing that can make me relax and enjoy my pregnancy.  Don't get me wrong, I am so utterly thankful to be pregnant, and I'm not ungrateful in any way.  The fear just completely consumes me and takes over my life.

Nothing is indicating that there is anything wrong this pregnancy, however nothing indicated anything was wrong with the last one either. I still haven’t heard that beautiful, fast little heart with the doppler, so I decided to stop trying.

I still haven’t seen my child on the grainy black and white ultrasound machine because I've decided to wait till later on instead of seeing everything is all good and then having it swiped from me just like that.

Pregnancy is so risky with many many unknowns. And you put yourself, your life, on the line in the hopes of a beautiful, healthy child, whom you would love with all your heart. But, unfortunately some of us are not fortunate enough for it to end that way, it doesn’t always work out like we hope, like we pray, like we desire, in one way or another.  Sometimes it comes to an abrupt end and there are absolutely no explanations as to why it happened.So all we can do is take a deep breath, hope, pray, do anything we can to get through each day, and hope everything works out okay, because god knows I'm not strong enough to handle another loss.

I will continue to pray that this baby will keep on growing inside of me, healthily, and will be able to meet me and his or her daddy one day soon. I hope that I won’t have a miscarriage (ever) again. But, I know that whatever does happen, it’s not my fault. 

Jan 25th, 2018

Miscarriage still seems to be a taboo topic and is not really openly discussed, most definitely not in day to day life or around the dinner table.  After a miscarriage people are left wondering if others feel the same way, at least I know I was left feeling like that. 

After miscarriage I felt so alone, like I was the only person in the world feeling such awful hurt, feeling like I was being punished for something, I felt like it was all my fault.  I would often lay in bed at night wondering if I drank too much caffeine, or if my diet wasn't healthy enough.  Was it because I have to take co codamol for back problems, or did it happen because I have to take antibiotics for kidney problems?  Everything crossed my mind, everything I could think of which could possibly put myself at blame.  Even things such as; did I lift too many bags after doing the shopping, or could it of been because I skipped breakfast a few mornings.  You name it, the thought has crossed my mind.

I suffer from Uterus Didelphys, and although it's not known to cause early miscarriages I still wonder if my abnormal body is the cause.   Even now.

The few weeks post miscarriage were the hardest for me.  I could not bring myself to have a conversation with people about it, therefore I completely avoided people for weeks.  I felt so isolated, I was sure no one understood my pain. 

I felt jealous and bitter towards everyone who have managed to successfully carry their children, finding reasons as to why I deserved it more than them, even though it is not true.

Nov 14th, 2017

I've been debating on wither I should or shouldn't share my miscarriage story on my blog, I've finally decided to post it as this is a traumatic experience that stays with me forever. It is part of me and something that is always on my mind. I enjoy reading others personal stories and experiences on their blogs, so here it is.

The following story is graphic so if you're easily offended then please don't read any further.

It was Saturday morning, I woke up at 3am with stomach cramps on the morning of  February 11th, I was 10 weeks and 2 days pregnant. I was home alone, the cramps were sore, but bearable. I've suffered miscarriage before and I knew if I wasn't bleeding the hospital wouldn't do anything, especially at 3am. The cramps eased off after about 20 minutes and although I was really worried I eventually got back to sleep, however I was then woken at 5.15am with the same cramps - only stronger and more painful. I started to really panic as I knew deep down inside what was happening although I tried to reassure myself. I went downstairs and got my pregnancy notes and called the early pregnancy unit at Crosshouse Hospital and sobbed down the phone whilst explaining what was happening, the woman was really sympathetic however advised me that there wasn't much they could do for me, she asked me call back if I started bleeding heavily or clotting, in the meantime she told me the best thing I could do would be to keep calm and not to worry, I hung up the phone and by 6am the cramps had eased off and I was able to drift back off into a sleep - I was exhausted. At 10am I woke up, I had cramping in my stomach but nothing like the cramps I experienced during the night, I went to move and realised I felt wet, I pulled back the covers and I saw I was covered in blood and so was my bed, I instantly went into panic, I broke down and started crying hysterically and was literally shaking, I put on clean underwear and pyjama bottoms and put on a sanitary pad as I was still bleeding. I grabbed the phone and called the early pregnancy unit back and explained what was happening, they asked me to go up right away for a scan. I called my mum and she got my granda then they came round and picked me up.

I got in the car and we drove straight to the hospital. I text my babies dad and let him know what was happening - he couldn't come as he crashed his car the day before and had no transport - I wasn't exactly thrilled about the fact he "couldn't" come as he could of got a lift or used public transport. He was the least of my worries at that point so I let it go, we arrived at the hospital and sat in the waiting room, when the nurse called my name I went into the ultrasound room - they lay me up on the bed and squirted cold jelly on my stomach, they then scanned me. The nurse told me she couldn't get a clear view of my ovaries and asked if they could do an internal scan, I agreed. I had to slide down to the end of the bed and put my knee's up whilst they inserted a tube scanner inside me, it was cold and quite uncomfortable. When the scan was over the nurses asked me to go and wait in one of the quiet rooms and a midwife would be with me soon, at this point they hadn't told me anything about the scan. I sat and waited, and waited, it was only 15 minutes but it felt like way over an hour! The midwife came in and told me that the scan showed my uterus was empty but they still couldn't get a clear view of my ovaries so the scan was considered inconclusive, however the empty uterus meant I'd suffered a miscarriage. I already knew deep down but hearing the midwife say the words was devastating, I instantly started sobbing, breaking my heart wishing this was all one big nightmare. The midwife left me alone with my mum, I asked my mum to leave the room so I could be alone, all I wanted to do was sit alone and cry my eyes out, I felt so empty. I sent a text to babies dad and told him what the midwife had said, and how I was miscarrying our baby - he asked a few questions and I told him to pass on the news to his family - he said he would. I didn't really text much after that as the doctor came in - his name was Anthony. Anthony was so nice, he was very sympathetic and easy to talk to - he explained to me that the cause of my miscarriage is unknown, and that I shouldn't blame myself. He also tried to take bloods from me several times but couldn't get any, he said if he couldn't get any out of my arms or hands he would have to try from a vain in my neck, I didn't like the sound of that at all! Thankfully on 5th attempt he managed to get some blood from the side of my hand. He told me the blood samples were important and that they had to check my HCG levels to make sure they were not rising as this could mean the pregnancy was ectopic. After my bloods were taken the doctor took me into a different room and asked me to lay up on the bed so he could examine my cervix, he put my legs up in stirrups and inserted a speculum inside me and felt my cervix, he explained to me that my cervix were now closed. I stepped off the bed and put on my underwear, my leggings, and my shoes. I went back to the quiet room and joined my mum and waited to be seen by the midwife again. The midwife came in and told me I needed to return on Monday for another scan of my tubes and for the results of my HCG hormone levels, she also gave me leaflets on miscarriage and information on coping with miscarriage, and numbers to call to help me with the process. After that we were free to leave we walked along the corridor and down the stairway out of the hospital into the car park, we got in the car and I just sat silent the whole time, I text my friends to keep them updated, and I text my babies dad to let him know I was on my way home - he said he'd come and see me when I got home - which I was happy about.

When I arrived home his sister and her husband came round, 5 minutes after they arrived he came round. He didn't say much, he asked what EPAS meant, I told him it stood for Early Pregnancy Assessment Suite, I don't really remember much else of what was said, general chit chat between him and his brother and law was basically it, he barely said much to me. He only stayed for half an hour, then his new girlfriend came to pick him up (he got with her while I was pregnant). His brother in law left eventually and his sister stayed with me all day, I cried most of the day and she sat hugging me for the most part. My heart ached, I felt sad, empty, and alone.

Monday morning arrived, it was time to go back up to the hospital. My granda drove me up and my gran came with us. When I arrived I checked in at the early pregnancy assessment suite and we sat in the waiting room. My name was called pretty quickly and a nurse took me through to the ultrasound room where I was laid up on a bed and my legs were back up on stirrups, I had to have another uncomfortable internal scan, thankfully it was over within a couple of minutes. Afterwords I returned to the waiting room and then we were asked to go into one of the quiet rooms. We sat and waited in the quiet room for around 15 minutes and then the midwife came and sat down on one of the chairs across from me - she had my file on her lap. She opened the notes in front of her and told me that they were satisfied with the results of my scan and the results from my blood work showed my HCG levels were sitting at 167 which was lower than previous blood work I'd had done therefore the pregnancy was not ectopic, the midwife told me that the doctor was satisfied that my levels were dropping and that I would not need to come back to the EPU. I had a couple of follow up blood tests at my local GP and my levels continued to lower. After 3 weeks my HCG levels had finally returned to 0 and I was no longer required to go back for any future appointments.

It’s National Rainbow Baby Day!