Entry #292 June 9, 2015 7:23 pm
Dearest SoulEater,
Hey there. A month passed since my last post. Why am I writing this post? It represents my Greatest heartache. my 5 day visit was very much a broken promise. Lianne, If you are reading this, intentionally, by accident or for whatever reason, please read it by heart. I used again the one last remaining picture of me and you happy on one photograph. Ill start from friday..
June 5, I left Camarines Norte around 8 am. I arrived at Albay around 2:30 pm. I immediately left Roland’s house and went to PRC.. There I met Marc Claveron while I furnish my License and Ate Mylahs. Afterwards, I immediately went to BU, to have a professor of mine accomplish a Recommendation for Graduate Study. Sadly, no one of my professors were there due to their Team Building at Sto. Domingo. I then went to pass by at BU College of Medicine, met Joel and Ryan there, practicing for their Acquaintance Party. I then proceeded to UI to deliver Aaron some goods. It was for Lianne’s family. I was actually reserving that one box of Pandecillos for her only, it was a peace offering for that time where she asked for help on her HDD and I was late on replying becoz I was doing general cleaning on my room. She got mad so I thought Id give her something to appease her anger. After delivery, I went to Khalils.. I was planning to invite her and have that promise I gave her that Id treat her a Blueberry cheese cake like we used to. I texted her, she replied to me on a very cold way. I lost my mood and ate my Blueberry cheesecake and drank my mocha. I reserved her a cake in case she comes. She didnt. So I went my way to Fortmax, visit my old turf. There I saw my old pal and close friend/thesis partner Janlo. We talked a lot of things, including Donnalyn trying to establish contacts with me and my fam again, checking on my welfare and sorts. Then we split ways since hes dating her girl by watching Insidous Chapter 3. I walked home alone via Washington after. Evening, me and Lianne were talking via texting.. Until we got into the topic about our relationship. She told me she has fallen out of love for me.. On that very moment, I got shattered, none like the other times she shattered me. This time Im crushed to mere atom. A lot of things rushed my mind. One of them is why. I felt so depressed I immediately turned of my lights and embraced myself, rolled like a baby. I suddenly remembered that event, where I did the same thing to Donnalyn. So I unblocked her and Steven.. and sent them a Public Apology. God was punishing me for what I have done, and it took 3 years before it kicked in. I was on the verge of crying, but I stopped myself. I was supposed to call Jin, but I said I need to handle this on my own. So I laid my back, sad, and thought things thru..
Why are you not inlove with me anymore.. Why did you fall out of love.
I woke up the next day, June 6, still asking the same questions over and over again.. I waited, I sulked, I tried to calm myself but it was no use. I was so destroyed I was thinking slow, Im still sane, but thinks slow. so I went alone to Gaisano, watched San Andreas, tried to temporarily forget all the sadness I feel. She then texted, and told me shes returning my money. It got me worse. So I told her I was planning to go to Puro, make moments there. I went here feeling down, dont know what to do. I arrived there, at the very same spot she said shed be mine. Kept holding her dogtag and my hourglass. She then came, on her car, with her driving instructor. She did not love me anymore, and I had to accept that. I left the necklace, along with the dogtag and hourglass there on that spot, along with a picture of me and her at Bagasbas. She was calling, making me hurry up to go to her on her car. There she was waving my money, smiling.. I asked myself, why.. How can she smile at me while I was already on the verge of breaking down. Did my feelings meant nothing to her? That 2 years was just easy to throw away, with that smile? The very same smile I loved from her was the same smile that purged me on that very spot. I held myself up. Stared at her instructor with so much hate. Then she tells me, if I want to have a joyride with them. There, I was so out of words and feelings I looked down and quickly left the scene. I walked, and walked, starting well up, my tears almost falling, but I held up, kept walking, until I asked God if He hated me this much to make Lianne do those things.. That thought made me go to St. Rafael. I went to my favorite spot there, Left wing of the Church, near the middle of the choir and the chaplet. and there, I broke down. I cried, cried so hard that my tears just kept falling and falling. I did not care if there were a lot of people near me, I cried, wept so much that my body surrendered. I kneeled, prayed to You, asked for strength. Why Soul.. Why, when I was already loving so much.. Loved her more than myself already.. Why crush me on my most vulnerable state? Do You love to see Your people hurt that much? I sat there, stayed at Your home for half an hour and more. For whatever reason she fell out of love, for hurting me, I forgive her.. I realized then, that was the most painful heartbreak I had, 24 years of my existence.
I went home, eyes so tired, feelings so down.. but along the way, I still held on to my loyalty, to the words and promises I spoke and pledged. Ill still be there when she needs me, Ill still send her family our delicacies, Ill be there on every step of success.. Ill never leave her, unless she finds someone new..
I woke up the next day.. I survived the longest, heaviest night of my life.. I had no one to talk to, I had no body else to run to.. I was just there.. Broken, Sad. Then for every minute passed, people came PMing me on FB, asking me my welfare, sharing their experience, telling me that theyre just around the corner if I needed them. I was suprised and at the same time glad.. I cried a little. Ive never been so loved. I picked myself up and prepared for our trip to Tabaco. Me, Ate Ten, Jroy and Flit were to visit a renowned Resto there with a Japanese theme.. Its name was Ishi Aya. We left at around 2 pm, and rode a van to make things fast.
When we arrived, we immediately searched for Ishi Aya, we did find it but they were still closed, the takers said they open from 11-2 then 5-12 pm. So we had lots of time. We went to Tabaco Church and prayed there.
After so, we strolled a few more at the center then went to Ishi Aya at 5 pm.
And the ceremonies have begun. The Shade Council Meeting was started..
We ate like bosses and ate more like warriors.
After our meal, we then proceeded to the main event.. Yes, we drank Sake. While we drank, we shared our lives, our secrets, our hearts. Our bonds were made strong that moment. We found some interesting stuff, like Paulette did really have a crush on me, Boss Kaine actually threatened by my presence, etc.. We all Kampai together.
Afterwards, we had our last rights, and went home.. I was happy that moment. It was a victory. becoz I am the first man, to make Jroy drink alcohol in his 20 years of existence. Yes, Jroy never had alcohol all his life, and pledged to only drink in my presence. ^^,
Next day, June 8, morning, me and Jroy became freshmen.. We went to BUCN for our concerns, me having my recommendation signed by Maam Recierdo, and Jroy getting his copies of cases from Maam Ebuenga. Met some few friends there. Also, students kept on looking to our direction.. Freshies. We then roamed BU, went to BUCM and waited for Ate Ten to arrive since we plan on eating at MAng Inasal. Me and Jroy talked about a lot of serious stuff. His family, his future, his vision of himself. He did not know how to plan for himself. So I taught him how. Gave him a few of my wisdom. We actually saw Paulette there, but we hid ourselves since it is not in my intentions to meet up with her. So ate Ten came and we went to AMEC to fetch Flit and ate at Inasal. After eating, we went to Gai for Ate Ten’s mission at Cebuana. Then we roamed the whole mall. We found some bubble wrap so I bought it for 29.50 and went to pop the bubbles wih them. This was also the time some girls were taking my picture without my permission. I found it insulting and rude. So we went away from the Food court.
Also bought a book titled “Sexy Little Book of Sex Games”, which gives me more tips about having fun on sex, foreplay, foodplay and more..
around 5, we went to Emba. We rode the e-jeep and made some funny jokes while we travel there.
We went to the spot where I left the keepsakes. I was joking about it that maybe they are still there with the picture. We stayed there and talked about our future. Thanked them for the friendship, and finalized our concept with our Business. Turns out, me Ate Ten, Boss Kaine had the same idea of Business empire that we wana build, centered on our hobbies and likes. So we had our discussions there and had our constructive reviews. We now only need a graduate of Management to kick it once we have our investments ready.
Then we went home happy.
Today, June 9, me and Jroy parted ways and I left Albay around 9:15 am.
Lianne, if ever you are reading this entry, for whatever reason you fell out of love for me, I forgive you.. But it doesnt change my feelings for you. I gave you all my love. It changed my course of Universe. It doesnt matter of you said those things so you can focus on your 5th year, board exam, or you found a new lover. I still love you. Even if you lied to me, on many things, even on that December 20, 2013 claim, I knew you were lying then, I just had it verified last Sunday, even for that, I forgive you.. Even if theres 1% chance that youll comeback to me, Ill keep on believing, Ill keep on wishing. But for the meantime, you wanted space to grow, to focus, Ill give you what you need. But Ill be there, to see how you grab your success. If in case you comeback to me, and were still single, Ill be there waiting for you. If in case were both taken by someone new, then Id be happy for you. You will always be a part of me. You were a major factor to my change. I do not regret anything between us. Youll always be my Minikeyk. But for the meantime, Ill keep my distance and trust on whatever youre planning. To keep myself from getting hurt, I purged all our memories, all pictures, videos, albums that had you and me in it, I erased them all. I only exempted one. The very picture representing this post. Why? this was the time where our eyes had that spark that youve lost. Ill start walking, Ill start moving on. For everything thats happened, I love you..
Soul, Thanks for the strength, the lessons, the will to go on.. For making me still believe in You.. Thanks Mate,
Love lots,
Jim
P.S.
Demmit, according to my masteral colleague, if only there are 14 students on the master’s class, the we are forced to have our lessons at BU Main campus. FAK!
