#minemmfd

 Dear Diary, that's the thing with diaries, they're like movies, they're just stories, filled with the things I saw and the things I felt. But when I look around, I see that everyone's the protagonist of their own story. And the thing about stories is that not all of them have a happy ending. But some do.

[…] but everyone's crazy. Everyone has to struggle and fight, they just haven't realised it yet. At least you have. Once upon a time, in a disabled toilet far, far away you asked me why I liked you. Remember? Yeah, I remember. It's because you're strong. You just haven't realised it yet.

There's a part in all of us that's scared and not sure. And when you get the ability to see that in yourself, you start to see that everyone is fighting, every day and just like Finn said, so, instead of saying "You're fat and you're ugly", I'm going to say "You are the person who helped your mum out, "Who saved your best mate who lives with an illness but keeps on going? Me. I did all that all that”. That's not to say me and Chloe weren't scared of going back to college, we were terrified. But we had to do it for each other. Jesus! Because there's nothing we couldn't face when we're together.

Do you ever wish you could look back and see the exact moment your life started to come together? The end of the beginning, the moment you knew everything was about to change?

There are times when I can't stop speaking, when a million words leave my mouth in a matter of seconds, a million words that mean nothing. But when I want to find some words that mean everything, I just can't speak. Like "I miss you", like "I love you", like "My world is falling apart and I need you by my side”.

What if I was the glue? What if, because I'm the one that broke it all, I'm the one that can fix it? The problem is that when everything is in a million little pieces, it's hard to know what to try and fix first.

Nine months in therapy. Nine months, going back to the same point. Nine months of "you need to like yourself more, Rae". Well, the truth is, now I've seen things the way they are. I've never liked myself any less than I do right now. Because, guess what? I am a bitch!

Usually when I get a hangover like this I get the demons whispering into my ears, but today it was the opposite, things were more clear now than they'd ever been. I was waiting for people to treat me like an adult, so it was time to make adult decisions.