@mindymacintosh:

You don’t think I’ve heard enough pity to identify it on sight? Let’s just say that if it wasn’t pity, you wouldn’t have had to spell it out that you only picked me because you feel like I deserve for somebody to think I’m more than a lay.

I... don’t really understand why you would? And I didn’t say that was the only reason. I just said I felt like it was important for people to know, and by people I mostly meant you. Unless you want other people to know, too.

Text that never should have been sent for @mindymacintosh !!

Morning text for @mindymacintosh !!

James Dubois. Princes were usually more trouble than they were worth to tango with, but James was so dang cute. He was also hilarious and though she would never admit to that outloud, funny outweighed cute big time. He was almost always on her ‘top hottest guys’ in the castle lists, which is why she’d do something dumb like “study” with him in the first place. She didn’t need to do well in school, she didn’t need to study even when it was fun sometimes - what was more fun was time with Hogwart’s top hotties, so when she skipped up to the couches in the common room all cute with braids in her hair and makeup that made her lashes actually visible, her feet screeched to a halt at the sight of him. Then she burst out into raucous laughter.

His eye was the first thing that caught her attention. She’d seen lots of swollen eyes before, the dudes in her clan played rough, but seeing one on such a hot face was wild. “Holy shit, what happened to you?” she said as she approached, dropping the books she’d brought onto the ground in order to reach out and gently touch where the bruise met his regular cheek skin. “Did you prank the wrong person? Or no, wait, let me guess.” She took another look at him and wrinkled her nose at the lack of eyebrows and the blonde hair. “Extreme Homely Makeover?” She cracked up at her own pun and crashed onto the seat next to him, unable to take her eyes off the mess. “Whatever it is, I’ve fixed black eyes and no brows before, so you’re just a wand wave away from frog back to prince. The blonde hair though, you might be on your one. It isn’t…awful, actually,” she said reluctantly, already used to it in spite of herself.

“Really? I paid a third year to punch me and all I get’s laughing?” Jimmy asked her, giving her an exaggerated pout. Her hand on his face was cool and made him shiver a little bit; it was more tender than he’d expected it to be. “I mean, it was partially a bucket list thing, no one’s ever dared touch a face this beautiful before and I was getting bored of using ‘never have I ever had a black eye’ when I was playing that game, but still. Not even a shriek? Or a single tear about how my hotness went down the drain?” It seemed that all of Jimmy’s pranks were underwhelming lately, and he wished he had some kind of guide to  how to be as epic as the Weasley twins, or the Marauders, or hell, even as epic as Peeves. He seemed to be on a major losing streak at the moment, and he teased Mindy about it, running a hand through his hair and saying, “Wow, and now you dig me more as Ramen noodle Timberlake? Kick a guy while he’s down, why don’t you.” Jimmy considered her offer for a second, then shook his head. “Since you’re not scared of me looking like this, who might be? I don’t wanna have gone to all this trouble for nothing.”

If for some reason you don’t appeal to him, then he’s stupid and why would I want to date a stupid guy? I’d date a guy who was, like, a little dumb, sure, like in a fun way, but not flat-out stupid. And he’s not even that hot, you know? Like, Ben’s got a good face and good teeth and everything but nothing about him makes me wanna take off my clothes so really, he’s not on my list for your sake and for mine.

There has to be someone out there who’s so inexplicably drawn to you that he can’t bear the thought of wanting to be with someone else; that person exists for everyone, they just have to. You do raise an excellent point, though; he has quite the dad-bod. Do you think he already has a child back in Auradon? They could have arranged something for him surreptitiously, to make sure there was an heir to the throne in case one of those villains he invited over decided to do something to him.