#mindmess

Chem: “hey that’s me”

Well you better watch your car it might get a fine from the polic—

Chem “don’t you dare mention the gringos in this house”

Do you still remember the world through your eyes when you were still a child? Sometimes I do. It's different. I remember there was one evening when the sky was yellow, very yellow that everything on earth - including my skin - looked yellow-tinted. I believe my mother told me there was a word in Javanese that descripts the situation, although I can't remember what. Anyway, it made the world different than how it usually was and it was beautiful.

Then there was night when the sky was clear and dark and I could actually see stars. I even recognized some of them - like the most popular kite-shaped constellation, Bootes. Zodiac constellation is harder to find, but I managed to find scorpion. When I first found it, I was thrilled and I would lie on our backyard to watch it every night, until one night my imagination ran too wild and and I freaked out thinking about giant scorpion hanging above my house.

The world I saw when I was a child was a rich one. I could see a big puff of cloud as a heap of giant iceberg that cannot melt and raindrops felt soft on my skin.

Now, for some reason I can't always get the same experience when I look at the world. The world I see now is less pretty - poorly planned city with terrible traffic. Dirt and dust are everywhere - on the road, on the roadside, on the window, in the air. The only time I found it beautiful is when it just rained, and sadly rainy season for this year is ending.

I don't know what has changed. Well, obviously, I now live in different city. This city is bigger and more populated. Also, I have myopia now. Also, when I walk from - say, train station - to my place after a day of work, I'm thinking about how tired I am, what food I should get for dinner, or whether I should have hot or cold shower. There is no place in my mind to remember that I should look up to the night sky and find my scorpion (not that the stars are visible from this bright, well-lighted city anyway).

So, how I look at the world has changed. But what exactly changed? Is it the place, is it my eyes, or is it my mind?

When I first saw pictures in Instagram, I like how pretty they look. The street I pass everyday looks soft and comforting - like a dream. But then when I actually on that street, I was disappointed because the real thing is not as pretty as the filtered photo in Instagram. It made me disappointed at first, then later become somewhat sad.

Time heals all wounds is the biggest lie I’ve ever heard, because you need so  much more than time to heal. So who ever came up with that idea probably never got better. I know now that wounds take care, patience and all the strength you can manage to use on it to heal. 

I feel like time is not a friend of mine when it comes to my wounds they won't heal and they won't go away. Time keeps breaking up my wounds, as soon as I feel like I’ve put things behind me. Time brings it back up. I have realized that my wounds won't heal until I’ve found whats causes it. I feel like everyone i talk to knows something about there wound, and that I’m just looking in the wrong places. But I know that no matter where I look I can't find the reason that my wounds won't heal. I don’t know... I don’t know what makes my wounds so different, I have no clue as to whats going on. All I know is that they will always be there. They're become a part of me that hangs over me like my own personal rain cloud.