lots of difficult news today, and i think it's one of those days where my heart is feeling things it doesn't quite know how to carry.

Mind Notes – Manga

The Seven Deadly Sins 148

The Excitment~~

i am trying to finish some things up at work and i suddenly felt like crying.

not because i’m sad nor because something bad happened. it just came out of nowhere.

i think i just suddenly felt how loved i am.

and maybe i don’t say this enough, but i really do feel it. in the little things. in the everyday moments. in the way my family appreciates what i do even when i know things have not been easy for me too.

sometimes i wonder how long i can keep showing up every day without running out of energy, patience, motivation, all of it.

but maybe love is what keeps me going.

maybe the reason i still somehow find strength every day is because i am surrounded by people who genuinely pray for me, care for me, and believe in me even during the days i barely believe in myself.

and i have this crazy little theory that whenever i suddenly feel this warmth out of nowhere, maybe someone, somewhere, paused for a second and prayed for me.

and the first person that came to mind was my lola. it’s around her bedtime right now. and knowing her, maybe she’s praying before she sleeps. maybe she included me in her prayers tonight. i could be completely wrong, honestly. but the thought alone feels comforting.

like maybe love really does reach people in ways we can’t explain.

but yesterday, we lit candles and offered flowers and prayers to our late loved ones. that part, i don’t regret. it grounded me. it reminded me that life keeps moving... even when i don’t.

lately, i’ve been thinking a lot about turning 30, about moving out, about wanting to be more organized and intentional with how i live. i want to stop just existing and actually start living. but i also know change takes time, and some days, progress doesn’t look like grand achievements. it looks like surviving the week, finding a bit of stillness, or allowing yourself to start over again on a monday.

now, with news of a strong typhoon approaching capiz, there’s this lingering fear in the air. it’s scary, knowing how unpredictable things can get. i’m praying we’ll all stay safe, our homes, our families, everyone.

something’s off. like i’m always tense, waiting, hoping, overthinking. i keep trying to convince myself that it’s just a rough patch, or that i’m overreacting, but deep down i know… i’m not at peace here. i haven’t been.

i miss feeling calm. i miss feeling like myself.

i’ve been holding on so tightly. maybe because i still love them. or maybe because i’m afraid of what life looks like without them. but love shouldn’t feel like this much weight, right? it shouldn’t feel like i’m constantly managing everything just to keep things from falling apart.

i think part of me already knows i need to let go. that this is slowly draining me. that i deserve more than this. but i’m scared. scared to start over. scared to hurt people i care about. scared that maybe i’m the problem. that maybe if i just tried harder…

but then, why do i feel like i’m disappearing?

i just want peace. i want to stop second-guessing myself. i want to feel loved in a way that doesn’t come with knots in my stomach.

there’s a quiet strength in being the eldest. it’s carrying the hopes of a family, holding unspoken responsibilities, and doing it all without asking for help. some days, it feels like i’m standing on the edge of breaking. and i don’t like being vulnerable, but today, i’ll admit: i’m tired. i’m human. and it’s okay to feel. 🌙

some stories are heavier to tell. but i’m now choosing to honor the weight i carry.