#milla.

I wish I had a car so I could take late night drives to clear my head. A walk does not feel as safe.

I like seeing my plants grow. It makes me feel like I can do something right, that I can take care of something and that I don’t always fuck up. Like I’m not completly worthless after all.

I wish I could live in the brief moment of happiness, but they always seem fleeting. I wish I didn’t have to crash and burn as soon as my mind drifts, if only for a second. I had a good day, a really good day - I laughed more than I’ve laughed in this year combined and I felt good again. I was with K and everything was easy, it was simple. It was the way you see friendship pictured in movies. But as soon as I got home, everything fell apart. I don’t even know why, but I broke down completly. I just cried and cried until I barley could breathe. It’s better now, it calmed down, but my head aces and I feel like I am about to throw up. I wish I wasn’t broken, but more than that I wish I knew why I was broken - that would make it easier to get fixed.

I feel like shit. Alot has happened since I last wrote to you, both good and bad. It’s been a busy couple of weeks and I guess this is more of an update letter to myself rather than to you - sorry about that, I just need to put my thoughts out there. First of, I feel like I might be on the wrong path. One of my friends sent a message in a groupchat saying how much he apprichiates everyones hard work and that he thought that the fact that we all loved what we did is what holding us togheter. And it might be - I’m just not sure that I love it. There’s so many nights where I don’t sleep at all because of the stress and there’s others when I fall asleep with the lights still on in jeans from exhaustion. I don’t know what I am doing and I keep doubting myself. There’s too many days that I wish that I could just quit, or the forbidden thought that coronarestrictions might get stricter, so that we could not go through with the project after all.

K told me the other day that I’m always so happy. I can’t remember what I answered but I think I mostly shrugged and was like “eh”. It makes me both feel happy and sad that I apparently hide my feelings well, but for some reason I wished that he saw through me. I’m annoyed at myself because I want to have feelings for him. We would be perfect togheter, we have the same humor and we share alot of interests. He makes an effort to spend time with me. It’s easy and I think love is supposed to be easy, in a way. But at this point in time, I don’t have feelings for him, but maybe that’s a good thing, maybe building a foundation on a friendship the best way to go. If you don’t have expecations you can’t get disapointed, right?

From one boy to another. V is really making my days worth living right now. It’s not that we’re close friends, I doubt that we would ever hang out just the two of us outside of school, but he is the definiton of easygoing and I love him for it. It’s all jokes with him and he never fails to make me laugh. We jokingly flirt alot, but we both know that nothing would ever happen between us - he literally feels like a brother and I find comfort in that. The other day he was giving me a ride home and somehow we got talking about sports and excerise, both which I kind of hate and that fact made him surprised. I can’t remember the exact words he used, but it was something along the lines with; you don’t look like someone who hates sports. It made me happy, because as I’ve told you before, I struggle with my body and weight, so to hear from someone who I, for a fact know goes to the gym regularly, that I don’t look like a fat, lazy mess, made me happy. Like maybe the skipped meals makes a difference after all. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think I have an eating disorder, but I try to mentally keep track of my calories and limit my eating. I’d like to say that I see a difference in my body, but I really don’t. The last time I bought a pair of pants, they were a size down from my usual though, but anyone who shops in the womens section knows that size dosn’t mean anything. I’m trying to not get happy when I go down a size, because I don’t want a literal lable to define me. Also the pants really don’t mean shit because my waist has never been the problem, it’s my stomach that always sticks out.

I’ve also come to the conclusion that I need to be more honest with myself and others. I am terrified that I one day will wake up and realize that I’m stuck in a life I don’t want, with officehours, a husband and two kids waiting in the car. I don’t know what I want, but I don’t want that. My plan for the future right now is to move as soon as my studies finish, but I’m not sure that that’s the right thing to do either. I left my life in Sweden and I don’t regret that at all, but do I want to stay here? Not really to be honest, but here’s where all my friends are. Whilst I’m still struggle with opening up to people, I feel like this is a good start. It’s a solid base for a future, I have already gotten a summer job here, which will lead to contacs in the industry, which could lead to a full time job when I’m done. But I don’t know. Everyone seem to have plans and dreams but I don’t. I don’t see myself getting married and I don’t see myself getting kids. I can’t even envision myself having a stable job in there future. I know some people love living in the moment and in the “now”, but that’s literally just my life. It feels like I don’t really care to be honest, all I want is to be happy and I’m the happiest when I travel and escape reality. Can I escape forever though?

I still have more to say, but my head aches and I should try to get some sleep. Thank you for existing.

I had a breakdown infront of my teacher. It was awkward.

We had a zoomcall with loads of other people, and I guess he noticed that I seemed down (I’ve been crying like nonestop for two days so that checks out), and asked if we could have a private meeting later. I honestly didn’t think that he would check up on how things are with me, he dosen’t seem to be the caring type, so I was preparing for questions about the project I’m currently working on. But he was kind and seemed understanding, even though I absolutly hate that I was weak infront of him. He told me to relax and rest this weekend, which again was sweet, but not realistic lol. Tbh, I avoided looking at the screen most of the time, because, well I was crying and honestly I was kind of scared that he would be disapointed in me. I just hope that this dosen´t change the way he veiws me, I am capable of doing things, I’m just in a bad place rn.

Isn’t funny how my teacher, that I haven’t seen in like, a month, notice that I feel like shit before my friends, who I regularly talk to, does?

I’m going to force myself to go out once a day now, it think that’s healthy for me. I’m trying to eat healthy too, but that is not going as well. Either I eat way too little, like one real meal and nothing else, or I go to Mcdonalds and feel sick afterwards. I weigh myself almost daily too and I know I shouldn’t but I do. I’m really close to my goalweight but I do need to work out to loose the belly fat I think.

I like to fall in love with strangers. You know, when you make eyecontact with someone and all of a sudden you imagen them saying I do and cooking you breakfast in the morning. I love making eyecontact with people, but I rarely turn around to look at them again over my shoulder - I like to imagen them looking at me, wishing I would turn back too. I like to look away and smile only to look at them again. I like to listen to audiobooks about love and I like to pretend that my life is like one. In reality, I’m not someone worthy of looking back at. I’m not the one to make a room light up. I’m not destined for love, but I’m okay with that, even though for those brief moments of eyecontact, I wish was.

It’s might starting to look up again Charlie! I’m applying for a job right now, and I know it’s literally going to be thousands of applicants, like actually thousands, but for some reason I have a good feeling about it. Like, I’m aware that my chances are small, but I, for once, do belive that I’m the right person for it. Moving on, I was on another shoot today and holy shit, the actor is amazing. He is beyond talented and he is so hot. He’s not my usual type in the sligthest, but we did connect and honestly, his jawline could cut someone. Our next shoot is in about a week and I’m honestly looking forward to see him again. S was there too, I think I told you about him. He confuses me, because I can’t tell if he sort of feels bad for me, or flirts with me. Like we have these moments, where I feel like we are connected and on the same level, and other moments I feel like he thinks he’s some kind of mentor for me? Idk, it’s weird but nice I guess. 

As I’m on a ranting-spree here, A is so annoying. I feel so bad, because I have never felt this way about anyone before, and I’m kind of ashamed of it, so I’m happy I have you to confine in. Anyways, there’s something about him that just disgust me. Like, I see him and I feel disgusted. It’s so mean of me but I can’t help it. He seem to belive that we are best friends - we’re not. Like he keeps wanting to hang out but I just don’t want to be alone with him. And I know he’s not well, with his depression and all, so I can’t bare myself to tell him no straight up, so I always make excuses and that makes me feel even worse. I want to be his friend, I just can’t shake this feeling of “ew” and I hate it.

And that’s the (kinda) good parts since I last wrote to you. Other than that I’ve been quite bad and on the edge of crying all the time. I cry for everything and I’m so tired. All I do is sleep. Like, I sleep a good eight hours at least and nowadays I fall asleep at like 8, and yet I’m exhausted during the day and have to nap. I have to catch up with homework too and it’s just stacking up. I feel like I don’t have time to do it. In reality, I do have time to do, I’m just so tired. I’m so tired and I’m sad for no reason and I just want to sleep and not having to do anything. Today was the first good day in forever, yet, when I’m alone, the same feelings of exhaustion and tiredness creeps up on me again. But as I started with, It might start to look up again.