#midnightthouts

Today was one of those days where everything falls apart and all you can do is stand by and watch. You feel so small and unimportant. No matter how hard you try to make something work out, it doesn't. I can never have a day off from hell. It seems like everyday is becoming filled with distress and failure. I'm constantly reminded form the world that I am not going anywhere and that I will never be the person I dream of becoming. I will always be the girl marked with the sense of grief. Nothing is ever easy in my life. I understand that life gets shitty sometimes, but after you go through the same shit every damn day you get tired. I'm tired of pushing against the universe. I'm tired of trying to get nothing. I just want one day where everything falls into place. That never happens for me, and I have accepted that, but its days like today where you feel so done. I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep my way into a new life. I wish so badly that I could relax and take obstabcles as they come, but at this point my life is the obstacle. I'm falling apart at the seams and no one seems to be noticing. I only notice during days like these. I will never be that person that succeeds. I am the failure.

He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I don't deserve him honestly. His beauty is impecable and yet he fell for me. I don't know why he did, but he did. The way he looks at me makes me realize that I deserve love. I don't even know if he loves me, but I know I love him. I do and I can accept that and it's terrifying. The thought of him walking away like everyone else sends in unbearable. I can't handle the thought of losing him because he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. He treats me like I am important. He looks at me like my grandfather looks at my grandmother; pure adoration. He is sweet and gentle, but aggressive and strong. He doesn't carry baggage, or if he does he hides it unlike me. He is light and I am darkness. Two opposites that are creating something beautiful and rare. With him I don't feel sad anymore. I don't have those moments where I want to escape reality and slip into darkness. With him I can wake up in the morning and have a reason to breathe. With him my reality is better than my dreams. With him I feel I can do anything. He creates this sense of safety and happiness that no one has ever been able to do for me. He makes me feel like I matter. I'm not the dirt or the distateful joke anymore, I am me. I am finally beautiful to someone other than my mother. I am finally strong enough to look in the mirror and pick out something that I like. He is just so amazing and I'm not, but for whatever reason he thinks I am. Around him I feel like I'm constantly flying because the butterflies are pumping so hard. Around him I can't stop smiling because I have what I always wanted. Around him I feel invincible. He is so mysterious and yet so open. He is so loud and yet so quiet. He is exactly what I have always needed, but I don't feel that I deserve him. He deserve a girl thats a light too. He deserves a girl thats beautiful the world. He deserves a girl that isn't sad. He deserves a girl that doesn't have baggage. He deserves someone that isn't me, and yet he is mine. I say "I love" a lot, but I can honestly say that I am falling in love with him and for the first time in my entire life I'm not as scared as I once was. I'm welcoming love. I'm welcoming the pain. He is worth it to me.

Looking in the mirror is the worst part of the day. Seeing your fat stomach, distorted legs, bumpy face, and scarred arms makes you die every fucking day. Knowing that no matter what you wear or what makeup you put on, you are still you; a monster. You walk around seeing the beautiful girls surrounded by hoards of men and you just think why that couldn't be you. I would never wish to be those girls, but I wish for their beauty. Their clear complexion and toned body. They could wear a burlap sack and still be one hundred times more beautiful than you. You never stood a chance. Girls like them are born beautiful, while you're born "unique". Why? Why did I get cursed with a damaged temple? People tell me that if I want to be like them so bad why don't I work out or wash my face. Well I do, and I still am nothing compared to them. I am the pair of shoes they throw away after one use. I am the stained shirt they bought as a joke. I am me. I am a monster and I hate it. I want to be beautiful to someone other than my mother. I want to look in the mirror and smile instead of sob. I want to dress up and look like royalty. Most of all, I want to stop wanting to be someone else, but I can't because they are so beautiful and I am so ugly.