#midnightrambles

I realized that the reason I'm always so dissapointed in everything, is that I want things that aren't possible.

I have this fantasy that everything is coverd in gold, diamonds and gems, but thats not life. Life is a dirty and rusty hunk of metal with a small silver lining.

And I need to remember that before I put my expectations way too high. So when things don't end up like I wanted them to, I won't be crushed by dissapointment.

This weekend polyamory meant sitting awkwardly while he and his wife catch up when she gets home, and I've only just met her.

It involved plans changing after dinner and her girlfriend won't be showing up and now it's the three of us. Awkwardly.

Polyam included their kid screaming whenever he's alone with (awkward) me for the first 24 hours, and loving the scribbles he left in my journal.

It was leaving with a smile on my face and in my heart, because even in all my awkwardness it was a good time.

Polyamory this weekend left my self protective anxiety in a tizzy because rational brain is all for this guy, but my emotional heart is scarred and tired and fierce.

Today polyam meant acknowledging and hearing my anxieties. I found myself considering my feelings and thoughts without fixing them. Within lay healing hurts, hard truths, and even a few boundaries.