#michael vlamis

This is where we're gonna save Max.

***

It didn’t happen as often anymore.

That was the one comfort Alex repeated to himself as he sat hunched over in his bed. He wore nothing but his boxer briefs, but his entire body was drenched in a cold sweat, his nails carving into his arms as he hugged himself, nothing but the moonlight to illuminate his rumpled sheets.

It made him almost miss the nightmares. Almost. Still, waking up with this impending sense of panic, a heavy weight in the pit of his stomach and the feeling of ants crawling up his arms and ribs – it was bound to drive him to the same brink of insanity. Alex was getting older, and every day, he felt the lack of sleep weighing him down more and more. It wasn’t good for someone to lose this much sleep, and he knew that, but knowing it didn’t help stave off the dread or help his mind rest.

Memories of war. Bloodshed. Lost friends. His father… Everything he’d done wrong with Michael. Bad, scary, scolding thoughts haunted and screamed in Alex’s ears. He pressed his forehead to his blanketed knee, hard enough that he felt like he was either about to bruise one or the other, but nothing quieted his mind.

Groaning under his breath, a pressure building in his throat, Alex turned his too-tired eyes to the phone on his nightstand. Grabbing a pillow and hugging it to his chest, if only to fight the usual oncoming loneliness that sank in when another nameless, faceless threat plagued him in the middle of the night, Alex grabbed his phone and checked the time.

His shoulders slumped. 2:15 am. He slumped back in bed, eyes burning with something more than sleep at the realization that it would be another night of trying and failing to ignore the static in his temples.

His lower lip trembled and he hated himself for it. He was usually so much stronger than this, but it really had been too many sleepless nights in a row, and he really was so, so exhausted. There was a constant churning in his stomach that simultaneously made him sweat and freeze at the same time, and the relentless ache in his leg was making it harder to care about dignity.

He just wanted to sleep, just for a few more hours.

Alex didn’t realize tears had fallen until he felt a splash on the back of his hand where he was clutching his phone in a death grip. A tear had even landed on his phone screen, and Alex found himself staring through the device for a few seconds as an idea crept up on him.

He makes things better, Alex’s desperation reasoned with him. He makes the noise quieter.

Alex clenched his jaw, shaking his head at himself, brows furrowed with annoyance. The building sobs in his chest were making it difficult to breathe, but he refused to give in.

He couldn’t call Michael. For one thing, the cowboy had to be asleep right now. For another, Alex had no idea what to even ask him for, assuming Michael was willing to help. For a third… what if he wasn’t alone?

Alex flinched at the thought, the static in his ears growing louder. The ants had traveled to his temples, and he could swear it felt like his brain was bleeding through his ears.

I want him, his desperation overrode any semblance of reason. I need him.

Without bothering to think of the consequences, Alex dialed Michael’s name and hugged his extra pillow tighter. As the phone rang, he thought of his years as a captain, ruthless and calculating and a beast in training. He’d once been used to a lack of sleep, but damn it, after months of being so close and yet so far away from the love of his life, months of agonizing over the desire to touch him and be held by him, months after one of his own so-called friends had betrayed him and gone for the one guy that Alex wanted… well, captain or not, Alex was still just a very tired man.

He shivered as the call went unanswered, trying to snuggle deeper into his pillows and feeling sicker with every passing second. The rings cut off abruptly, and Alex’s heart leapt. He started to say Michael’s name when the automated voicemail sounded, and the organ in his chest plummeted right down to the bottom of his stomach.

Hanging up, Alex numbly stared through his bedsheets as he started to lower the phone. Of course Michael wouldn’t respond, he was probably asleep. Even if he wasn’t, why would he pick up Alex’s call? He had made his thoughts on Alex’s fears clear when he’d chosen to date someone else.

Swallowing the sour taste in his mouth and trying to ignore the growing noise in his head, pounding at his temples and sinking his stomach further, Alex moved to put his phone back on the nightstand when it started to vibrate.

He stared, stunned, at Michael’s name on the screen. Brow furrowed, he held the phone up to his ear, and despite himself, his voice croaked on a single, “Hey.”

A moment’s pause, as though this was not the greeting Michael had been expecting. Then, a confused, “Hey? Uh, you okay?”

“Y-Yeah,” he tried, and cleared his throat. “Yeah, I’m-I’m fine, I just… couldn’t sleep and wanted to see what you were up to.”

He silence turned strained. This wasn’t the kind of relationship they had, they both knew this wasn’t the kind of relationship they had, and the careful suspicion was obvious in what Michael wasn’t saying.

“You,” he spoke slowly, “couldn’t sleep.”

It wasn’t a question, but Alex answered anyway. “Yeah.” Another clear of his throat. “S-So why are you up—”

“You’re calling me because you can’t sleep?”

Alex flinched, the ants crawling up his cheeks to the back of his head. His fingers dug into the pillow until it hurt, and numbly, he heard himself say, “M’sorry.”

He should’ve known when Michael hadn’t responded that he didn’t want to hear from him. He must’ve thought there had been some emergency for Alex to call because why would the strong Air Force captain just need him? His face heated and his eyes burned at the reality. He’d called Michael because of a vague, bad feeling he had. Because he was so tired and just needed to hear his cowboy’s voice.

Except he wasn’t Alex’s, was he?

“I’ll leave you alone,” he said and started to hang up when—

“Alex!”

Alex might’ve hung up anyway, but it was the sheer panic in Michael’s voice that made him pause.

“Damn it, just…” Michael cursed again under his breath. “I didn’t hear the phone, okay? I’m working in my bunker, I’ve got music on, I didn’t even notice the ringing until too late, I didn’t…” I didn’t ignore you on purpose. He huffed. “I wouldn’t just…”

Alex swallowed, tension slowly leaving his body without him even realizing it. Swallowing thickly, he said, “Okay.”

“I wouldn’t.”

Alex slumped further in bed, lower face buried in his extra pillow. His voice muffled, he said, “I believe you.”

Michael let out a long, deep sigh as though he’d been holding his breath for days, and not for the first time that night, Alex wondered what had been keeping him up so late as well. He heard the faint scrape of a stool against a steel floor, and Alex imagined Michael slumping into a seat with the same bone-deep exhaustion he himself felt. If Alex didn’t know any better, he might’ve supposed that his voice had the same soothing effect on Michael that Michael’s had on him.

“I suck at this,” Michael’s gravelly voice came through the line, sending goosebumps down Alex’s spine and further dissolving the tension from his body.

Alex closed his eyes. A few minutes more. He just wanted a little bit more with him. “Just… say what you’re thinking, Guerin.”

Michael went quiet for so long that Alex started to fear that would be the end of it. Then he confessed in a voice almost like a whisper, “I want to know why you can’t sleep.” A shaky exhale. “That’s all I can think about.”

Alex swallowed past the lump in his throat. He could lie, say that he’d been up working late too, or even go as far as claiming it a nightmare to avoid any tough questions. But it was Michael, and his voice was so raw that it tugged the truth out of his chest so that before he could reconsider, he admitted, “I don’t know.”

“Bad dream?”

Alex shook his head, even though he knew Michael couldn’t see him. “More like… bad… feeling.”

To Michael’s credit, he didn’t call Alex crazy. “Is this the first time?”

Alex opened his mouth to say it wasn’t, that it had actually been months since he’d had a decent night’s sleep, that he was so tired and wanted more than anything for Michael to be there in bed with him so he could close his eyes and bury his face in his chest and just get a few more hours of rest. Instead, the sobs that Alex had been forcing back broke found a moment of weakness to break through, and before he could stop it, a cry escaped his lips.

He held his phone away from him, but it was too late. He sniffled, trying his best to keep quiet, but silence fell heavier than ever from Michael’s end.

Just when Alex thought that would be it, that Michael would give him an awkward excuse to hang up, he said, “Private, I need you to do something for me.”

Wiping his eyes with the back of his free hand, Alex frowned. “O-Okay?”

There was some shuffling in the background and the creak of what sounded like Michael’s bunker door swinging open.

“In about ten minutes,” he said, “I’m going to unlock your front door from the outside, and I’m gonna need you not to shoot me.”

Alex sat up. “What?”

“I know you’ve got those military instincts,” he went on, “so I’m giving you a heads up now that it’s not some burglar breaking in.” He snickered, “Though I might pay to see some moron try to get one over on Alex Manes.” A small groan. “I take that back. I don’t want any creep near you.”

“Guerin,” Alex flushed, “you don’t have to come here.”

“Why not?”

“Why—” he blinked. “B-Because! I’m fine, I don’t need you to come over!”

“Do you not want me to come over?”

“That’s…” Alex deflated, his very heart fighting the lie as another tear rolled down his cheek. He couldn’t even humor the idea of giving up this chance to see his cowboy. How pathetic was he?

Michael seemed to hear his struggle just fine, and his voice softened when he spoke again. “I’m coming, baby. Just hold on for me. Everything’s going to be fine.”

And whether it was because Alex couldn’t believe his ears or the immense relief surging through him or just because the exhaustion was getting worse by the minute, another cry escaped Alex’s lips and he roughly wiped his eyes with his forearm. “Okay,” he whispered.

“I’ll be right there,” Michael promised, the sound of his truck starting in the background.

Alex sniffled, clutching the phone for dear life. “I believe you.”

*

Michael had told Alex he would be at his home in ten minutes. He’d made it in eight.

His heart was hammering and his head was swimming and he didn’t know what to think or what this was supposed to be. But Alex had cried.

His Alex had cried from sheer exhaustion, and suddenly, nothing else mattered. He’d seen Alex tear up maybe twice in their entire time of knowing each other, and he had never, ever sounded so broken down. Maybe he was pushing his luck in pretending to still know him so well, but something in his gut told him that his airman had been awake far too many nights, convincing himself not to call the one person that could help him get some sleep.

Michael’s knuckles turned white where he gripped the steering wheel. You did that to him, a voice whispered. You punished him every time he showed weakness. You made him scared of asking for help.

The anger at himself brought a weight to his temples, even as he parked in Alex’s driveway, even as he stormed to the front door and without missing a step, unlocked it from the inside. He knew his choices had hurt Alex, but the moment he’d heard the love of his life cry because he was that tired, suddenly he realized that the consequences had been more than Alex’s disappointment.

Michael had broken him. And when he stormed up the hallway, some instinct guiding him to where Alex was, and reached the bedroom to find Alex sitting in bed, hugging a pillow and shaking from the lack of sleep, he knew he would never forgive himself.

“You don’t have to be here,” Alex said without looking at him, voice hollow and quiet. “You don’t have to force yourself.”

That, more than anything else Alex could’ve said, was what wounded Michael. The man he would stay on earth just to be with, the man he would’ve given anything to see happy and safe, now thought Michael only showed up for him out of some kind of obligation. This was how little he thought of himself.

Kicking his boots off, he nudged his chin at the pillow in Alex’s arms. “Hand it over, Manes.”

              Alex didn’t seem able to move his arms. Sniffing angrily, Michael yanked on the end, pulling it away from him and throwing it against the headboard. He shoved off his jeans, eyes on Alex’s profile even as Alex stared at his blanketed lap.

              “You wanna look at me?”

              Alex didn’t answer, but didn’t face him either. Michael clenched his jaw, yanking off his shirt and tossing it aside before climbing under the sheets. He was barely seated against the headboard when he had a hand on Alex’s bare shoulder, pulling him in against him. Alex inhaled sharply, his body going instantly stiff, but Michael wrapped him in his arms and clung tight, his body vibrating with the strength of his grip.

              So slowly that Michael didn’t dare breathe the entire time, Alex’s body gradually melted against his own. Then, when it was clear Michael wasn’t about to disappear, Alex heaved a shaky sigh and wrapped an arm around his waist, scooting over until he was almost halfway on top of him, burying his face in Michael’s chest and sliding his left leg between both of Michael’s as though trying to burrow into his skin.

              Michael’s heart hammered in his throat as Alex finally settled and heaved a long, deep sigh against his pec. Michael couldn’t remember the last time Alex sounded this comfortable; was this all it had taken?

              His breaths were trembling, his whole body was still trembling, as though whatever adrenaline had kept him up was slowly vacating his body and leaving him adrift. Michael held him tighter.

              He expected Alex to apologize for needing the comfort, to beg Michael not to bring this up in public, to tell him that this didn’t mean anything. But Alex only nuzzled his collarbone and breathed Michael in like he couldn’t get enough of his scent, and as the seconds passed, his shaking finally ceased.

              Alex was asleep in minutes. Michael, however, stayed awake and staring at the ceiling. He hadn’t touched more than Alex’s shoulders, but the longer his airman breathed soundly, the more he found the courage to finally look down at him, the length of his smooth, strong back, his arms wrapped around Michael’s waist even in sleep. Working his jaw, Michael traced a hand down the length of Alex’s spine, trailed back up his arms, laid his palms flat over his shoulders blades and his eyes fluttered when Alex’s muscles rippled against his skin. Sparks shot down his spine and his inner thighs tingled.

              He should move his hand. He should pull away. Let him go, the sliver left of working brain reasoned. And still, Michael’s stubbornness shot back with its usual—

              Never.

              Michael shifted at the feel of a wet spot on the pillow behind him, and somehow knew that Alex had been crying long before he’d called. Swallowing thickly, Michael dared press his lips to Alex’s crown, biting back a moan at the feel of his soft hair tickling his cheek and chin.

              “Damn, I missed you, Manes.”

              Alex made a sound like a disturbed kitten, and cuddled closer to Michael, nuzzling his neck and climbing further on top of him before settling again with a deep breath. His lashes curled against rosy cheeks, and Michael stared at them with the weight of worship as one hand travelled back down the length of his back, his other hand sinking into Alex’s hair and keeping him pressed against him.

              Michael’s eyes burned. When he’d given up on sleep and gone down to the bunker to work, it had been with the aggrieved tension of a storm brewing in his bones and no outlet for it. He’d been feeling that way a lot after walking away from Alex all those months ago.

              “I’m saying no.”

              He was such an idiot. Replaying those words in his head over and over, reliving the moment something had broken behind Alex’s eyes, and every action afterward when Alex refused to meet his gaze. Like Michael had lost the privilege of ever seeing him that vulnerable again.

              Michael had thought that was enough of a blow, but then Forrest came along and turned his concern into full-blown panic. Knowing that his Alex was getting flustered by someone else, that his airman was going on dates and kissing and sleeping with—

              He inhaled sharply, his grip on Alex turning undoubtedly bruising as the entire house began to shake with his fury. He clenched his jaw, forcing himself to calm down before he did something stupid like throw a desk into a wall. Again. Yeah, the past few months had not been good to Michael, and the very fact that Alex remained asleep through his house trembling proved they hadn’t been very good to him either.

              Still…

              Michael softly brushed back Alex’s bangs, traced the furrow in his brow with his thumb until it went away. He was still so beautiful it hurt. Michael had been sure he wouldn’t fall asleep, but maybe it was because Alex was in his arms, safe and sound, that he drifted off with his hands on the airman and his lips in Alex’s hair.

              When he woke again, the sun was shining in his eyes, and he squinted, blocking the glare with a hand only to look down and find Alex silently watching him. And for a moment, Michael’s breath caught in his throat.

              There were streaks of hazel across the dark brown with the sun shining through, specs of gold dancing across his irises. His cheeks were a toasty red from the heat of the blanket and Michael surrounding him, his dark hair fell over his eyes and curled around his ear, his stubbled chin rested on Michael’s pelvis as though he wanted to see as much of Michael as possible without moving off him. Michael might’ve expected him to keep distance between them, but Alex’s arms were wrapped around his hips. Something like primal satisfaction filled Michael’s chest at the sight of him well-rested, the dark circles under his eyes faded.

              He didn’t even think before he reached down and slid a hand into Alex’s hair, his chest expanding to the point of pain when Alex’s eyes fluttered and he turned into the touch. “What time is it?” he croaked.

              “I dunno,” Alex murmured, squishing his cheek against Michael’s happy trail and inhaling deeply. On a contented sigh, he said, “Late, I think. Probably noon.” He huffed a faint chuckle. “I don’t think I’ve ever slept in late before.”

“You sound better,” Michael noted.

              “I feel better.”

His small smile dimmed as he reached down Alex’s spine with his other hand. “I thought you’d kick me out.”

              Alex’s entire body arched against Michael’s touch and he pressed himself closer. Michael bit back a groan at the feel of Alex’s chest against his dick.

              “No,” Alex’s brow furrowed and he pushed his face into Michael’s pelvis, clawing down his hips. “You’re here. I gave you the chance to leave last night and you didn’t take it. You’re mine now, and…” he looked up, a ferocity in his eyes that Michael had not been expecting. “I’m never letting you go again.”

              His breath caught in his chest even as he kept his face impassive. Alex was making him a promise then, but there was also a vulnerability there. He wasn’t sure that Michael would want to stay. Not knowing what to say that would properly convey what he felt for this perfect, beautiful man, Michael cupped his jaw, and slowly turned them both over in bed.

              Holding Alex’s eyes, he shifted to his knees and moved up the bed just enough until his hips were in Alex’s face. Alex brought his hands around to Michael’s stomach to tug down his briefs to his thighs, and his cock was left inches from the airman’s lips. Guiding it to his mouth, Michael commanded, “Take it.”

              Without batting an eye, Alex opened his mouth and stuck out his tongue, his gaze only faltering once he had Michael’s cock between his lips. Michael groaned, one hand gripping the headboard and the other clutching the back of Alex’s head as he began to fuck his mouth. Alex moaned hungrily for his dick, grabbing Michael’s ass and kneading his cheeks, bringing him in deeper and deeper. Michael let go of Alex’s hair only to throw the blanket off; he wanted to see the love of his life swallow his cock like he was starved for it.

              The headboard began to rock against the headboard with the force of Michael’s deep, lazy thrusts, but Michael’s pace soon quickened until he was growling Alex’s name, seeking his pleasure inside the mouth that he’d dreamt so often of devouring.

              His orgasm hit him very suddenly, and without warning, he shot down Alex’s throat. Alex, however, seemed to have memorized Michael’s body well enough that he’d anticipated it. He brought a hand around to firmly rub his pelvis as though trying to coax every last drop out. Michael’s groan was long and drawn out, and he beckoned Alex off his cock and pulled him up the bed. He waited until Alex was directly underneath him before collapsing on top of him. Then he was kissing him, rolling their hips together and moaning at the feel of Alex’s hard length.

              Except Alex caught his hips and stilled him. “Don’t,” he whispered against Michael’s mouth.

              Michael whined under his breath, chasing his lips. “I want to make you feel good.”

              Alex shook his head, wrapping his arms around him. “Right now,” he said, “I feel perfect.” He met Michael’s gaze. “Just stay here with me?”

              A lump made it hard for Michael to breathe, let alone answer. The quiet plea in his voice, the earnest desire just to have Michael there. With Maria, Michael had felt like he was being tested every second of every day, every act proof that he was getting better at the whole relationship thing, a question of whether he was finally worthy of having someone like Alex in his life. Maria might’ve been his test-run, but Alex had always been his goal.

              His interactions with Maria had all been sharp jabs at his expense, reminding him why he was never good enough and that he should remember that. With Alex… Michael had spent a lot of time in his relationship with Maria thinking over their interactions, replaying Alex’s commentary in a desperate attempt to vindicate himself so that the panic that he’d thrown away the best thing in his life would fade.

              Alex worrying about Michael cooking drugs, Alex pulling away when he’d found out Michael was an alien, Alex demanding to know why he was stealing from Sanders. This man had been afraid for him, had hidden his own heartbreak so that he wouldn’t stand in Michael’s way, had expected better of him. He’d wanted him, and at the same time had been dealing with his father’s watchful eye… of course he’d wanted to feel like risking Jesse’s ire was worth it. That he was in it with someone who would care enough to protect him.

              He could’ve had anyone, but he took the chance on Michael again and again. And the moment Alex had come to him with his heart on his sleeve and willing to give up everything and blame himself, Michael hadn’t taken the same chance. Never again. Fear would never, ever keep them away from each other again.

              Running the back of his hand down Alex’s jaw, Michael watched Alex’s reaction to his touch play out on every inch of his face. The hope, the yearning, the sheer want and need.

              “Just for a little while,” he said, and gripped Alex’s chin between his fingers. “And then I’m going to touch you until you’re screaming, and I’m going to make you the best breakfast you’ve ever had, and I’m going to take care of you again and again, Alex. Just watch me.”

              Maybe Alex’s exhaustion wasn’t quite out of his system because as hope and surprise and awe overtook his expression, his eyes turned glassy. Michael brushed an escaped tear with his thumb, and melted when Alex covered his hand with his own, resting his head on Michael’s chest.

              Snuggling close, Alex hugged Michael’s waist and heaved a deep sigh. “I think… I think I’m still a little tired.”

              Michael interlaced their fingers on one hand, sliding the other into Alex’s hair.